I think sister needs to explore different parenting styles... Should I suggest changes?

[MacarenaMacarena]

My dear sister is lovely, but I feel the way she treats her DS(9) is not helping him develop and mature. Some of the things that concern me are

1. Regularly sleeping with him in his bed (I dread the reaction when he let's this slip at school).
2. Regularly back tracking on rules or instructions - I feel he would really benefit from consistency rather than ruling the roost with threat of tantrums.
3. Generally having low expectations of ability and behaviour... Eg toys aimed at younger children, baby talk etc. He seems to restrict his interactions to this younger level (less challenging?)

He's way behind at school, has no resilience and has a very negative attitude to homework/learning/being given helpful advice about how to do anything... Quite abrupt and impatient, and missing out on so many opportunities to discover more about the world. (eg "I don't want you to tell me what the equator/marsupial/delta is in this cartoon, I just want to watch it, don't interrupt") (he does have a rewind on the remote!) I'd like to encourage my dear sister to explore some new parenting techniques, but I realise this is not my business, and I could offend her by suggesting anything. I suppose lots of children grow up perfectly delightful and successful whatever parenting styles they are exposed to - unfortunately my nephew does not seem on track to be doing so well at this rate. I really want to drop some pebbles in the pond to help her... What would MN recommend?

Stop talking through tv programmes and have some manners and self awareness!

I 'll never forget being dragged round museums and being made to stand at the information boards and have my mother read them out loud to me.

Unfortunately you should never tell parents how to parent..even though some could use a crash course. "They know better" 🙄
Leave your sister be, however why don't you spend time with your nephew and open his mind to different things? Take him to museums, theatre etc perhaps he will become more curious and would want to learn more?

@AdultHumanFemale
Thriving and doing well should not only be measured by the standards of 'milestones' and educational achievement or arbitrary application of ideas like 'babying' or 'aimed at younger children', but rather with the individual child front and centre, and a true perception of what 'doing well' will look like for them.

As a SEN parent of a child with developmental delay I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.

Here, tell me about it. These are the things we need to affirm for each other and help each other hold this vision of wholeness and wellbeing.

This. Give your sister a break and spend more time building a relationship with your nephew. Work out what makes him tick and build on that.

I read that description of your nephew and thought it sounded exactly like my DD who has a diagnosis of ADHD and, I now accept is possibly autistic.

Lots of judging about her playing with toys, sleeping in my bed, tantrums over homework at that age.

She is getting there in her own time and I'm glad I didn't take away her comfort and things that brought her happiness when she needed them.

I do drag her round museums and art galleries though but the indoctrination is now complete and she likes them now

I wouldn't want someone interrupting either we're I watching something and I 'm watertight over 9!

No. Just shut up. Not your kid. End of story

I get that you're coming from a good place, I too, have a family member who parents very different, its difficult to be around and my children always question why X is allowed to do something but they're not. I simply say different parents have different rules for their families which suit them. It absolutely does NOT suit me to have a child that is ungrateful, rude, spoiled and selfish, but that suits them as it's easier to give their child what they want as opposed to having the battle every day. Sometimes you have to just hold your tongue and remember it's not your place. We chose to limit our interactions as we find it a little embarrassing being out and about with said child.

Just keep in your lane on this one, I cannot imagine it ending well otherwise. X

I'm glad you're not my sister you sound insufferable

I would keep my beak out. Not your child. Won't be your problem if he's sleeping with his mother at 13. Only give suggestions if asked.

If things do go toes up in the future with your nephew, as a result of her parenting style, be there for her.

I think YANBU on (1) and (2). A 9-year-old boy shouldn't really be sharing a bed with his mother; and consistently inconsistent discipline isn't great.

About (3) I'm not sure. Maybe her low expectations are a result, rather than a cause, of his slow development in certain respects?

I am not sure what you can do about the situation: if you jump in, she may just get defensive. It may be best, if you do speak out, to concentrate on just one issue at a time: maybe the sleeping arrangements.

Quite abrupt and impatient, and missing out on so many opportunities to discover more about the world. (eg "I don't want you to tell me what the equator/marsupial/delta is in this cartoon, I just want to watch it, don't interrupt")

Who wants to be interrupted whilst watching the tv?! He's immersed in the story. He's quite right to tell you to have some respect and butt out.

this is a spoof..I hope.

Do you have kids?

I take it not.

Yoi come across as soooooo judgey and, well, people with their own kids usually don't go in with that shite!

Do you even have children? I would recommend keeping your nose out unless you want to fall out with DS who is probably doing her best!

A few things here make me think there might be some additional needs going on for this kid (needing co-sleeping comfort, being behind at school, what sounds like meltdowns, speaking very directly).

Low-demand parenting and supporting them as if they were younger can be the best possible option for a neurodivergent child, so please don’t judge your sister’s parenting, her son may not be neurotypical.

Actually, far better to check in with her and see if she’s okay - it can be pretty hardcore looking after a neurodivergent child, especially if you’ve not yet had a diagnosis and accessed additional support (or even know what’s going on with them - for example, you might think a child is having a ‘tantrum’ but actually they’re having a meltdown, which can look the same but is not a manipulative tactic at all, but an involuntary reaction to becoming overwhelmed).

You are correct, it’s non of your business. Keep your nose out of her parenting.

Just to throw in about you saying she treats him too young, that beats the hell out of my ds who I’m having to make watch kids stuff etc because as he has older brother ls all he talks about is gaming and screens. We force them out to play, make him watch younger stuff, pull out colouring stuff and younger board games etc. I think more people should do what your sister is doing!!

Notwiththebullshizz

It absolutely does NOT suit me to have a child that is ungrateful, rude, spoiled and selfish, but that suits them as it's easier to give their child what they want as opposed to having the battle every day. Sometimes you have to just hold your tongue and remember it's not your place. We chose to limit our interactions as we find it a little embarrassing being out and about with said child.
do people really think that when kids act up/ out it’s just that the parents don’t bother? If I’m wrong and you live with them and see them every minute of the day fine and then I’m sorry but other than that you don’t know that the child is not just hyped up because they’re out with relatives/it’s a day out etc. Or you could just be incredibly lucky.

First thing I would say is it is clearly obvious you have no children of your own and god help you when you do. Remember this foolish post forever and I hope to god you have boys !

Mumsnet recommends you mind your own business and parent your own kids.

I've just had this with my mum about my 10 year old daughter (who has various diagnoses including autism). Complaining about DD's Pokemon fixation and interest and I replied that, it's just what she's currently massively interested in - and got the response of "well how do we get her out of that?"

She got a reply along the lines of it having no impact in terms of stopping her engaging in social stuff or school and it being something that brings her joy and helps her unwind with and that no, we don't try to push her out of something that she enjoys.