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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think ex wives should not invite ex hisbands relatives she had not met while they were married to visit her?

91 replies

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:08

To think my DP's ex wife with whom he had a very acrimonious divorce should not have invited my DP's family from the US to stay with her when they next visit London. She has never met them but joined in on a video message his adult children made to send wedding wishes to their cousin. I am furious. She made his life hell for 20 yrs and took all his money . The US relatives have a vague understanding of what happened but I just don't know what I would do if they take her up on her offer. As he was left with nothing we have a very modest small home while she has a £600K house in Surrey and seems to hijack every event with no shame.
Now she is trying to muscle in playing the fab hostess with his family. His 3 adult children will be coming to stay after Christmas, because obviously the ex gets first pick of Christmas EVERY year, and I don't know how I can keep my feelings in AGAIN and keep the peace. I feel like I am always having to hold my tongue so as not to cause any upset.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 20:09

How do you imagine you're going to stop her?

Kangarude · 18/12/2023 20:11

As adult children, surely they choose where to spend Christmas, not their mother

CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 20:12

And how do you know so much about who she does or doesn't keep in touch with? I'm not sure if you've been together 20 years or there's 20 years of anecdotal history that you're reacting to?

What's the backstory?

35965a · 18/12/2023 20:13

“She took all his money” that old chestnut.

Anyway, her dc are adults so if they choose to spend Christmas with their mother that is up to them.

Presumably she invited those relatives because they’re relatives of her children. Not to spite you or your husband.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/12/2023 20:14

You need to stay out of it. What a bunch of adults all unrelated to you do in their spare time or who they stay with is absolutely none of your business and none of this affects you in any way shape or form.

Unless you/DP are trying to control the narrative between the ex and his family?

Soontobe60 · 18/12/2023 20:14

Surely you brought some money into the relationship from the house you lived in before you met?

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 20:15

The US relatives might want to visit the adult kids, which might be easier at her house - or do the timings not match up?

I imagine he was "left with nothing" because she needed the money to look after the kids - is that about it?

skippy67 · 18/12/2023 20:15

Not really any of your business though, is it?

CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 20:15

Well it's nothing to do with you who she invites to her home. And it's not her fault that her house is bigger than yours. And if the children want to spend Christmas day with their mother, wtf does it piss you off so much? You sound amazingly resentful and full of hate.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/12/2023 20:16

His 3 adult children will be coming to stay after Christmas, because obviously the ex gets first pick of Christmas EVERY year
His 3 adult children will be coming to stay after Christmas, because obviously they want to spend Christmas with their mother who they have chosen to spend time with and they're not goods in the back of a van being shunted between grown adults fighting over them anymore since they are adults.
Fixed it for you.

Crispyturtle · 18/12/2023 20:17

Honestly your post reads like you’ve got a very one-sided story from your ex as to what happened, which may not be entirely truthful. How did she ‘take all his money’? And if adult children chose to spend the Christmas with her, maybe she’s not that terrible?

Anyway that’s by-the-by. If some people you’ve never met want to stay with someone else you’ve never met, that’s no business of yours and there’s nothing you can do about it. Ignore the whole situation.

OhBabyNoBaby · 18/12/2023 20:18

Fuck all to do with you love.

SeparatedAndFree · 18/12/2023 20:19

I find it very hard to believe she took all his money. Remember you are just getting one side of the story!

And the adult children are choosing who to see and when.

Neriah · 18/12/2023 20:21

skippy67 · 18/12/2023 20:15

Not really any of your business though, is it?

This. You don't get to wipe out his other family, and his parents are still THEIR children's grandparents.

Is there something wrong with living in a modest house? And £600k doesn't buy much in Surrey.

The green eye monster look doesn't suit many people. You chose a relationship with a man with "history". He doesn't get to walk away from the family he created before you. Deal with it.

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:22

I am not attempting to control her. I am just exasperated by her over bearing control. It is well accepted in the family that everything has to be done her way and I think she genuinely believes she has a right to have things done her way and emotionaly blackmail their children to comply.
The family she has invited to visit only made contact with my DP after they split up. They traced him as they became aware that he was a relative after his father died. They have no connection to her and the adult children have homes of their own so there is absolutely no need for her to be involved.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 20:23

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:22

I am not attempting to control her. I am just exasperated by her over bearing control. It is well accepted in the family that everything has to be done her way and I think she genuinely believes she has a right to have things done her way and emotionaly blackmail their children to comply.
The family she has invited to visit only made contact with my DP after they split up. They traced him as they became aware that he was a relative after his father died. They have no connection to her and the adult children have homes of their own so there is absolutely no need for her to be involved.

How long have you been with your DP?

Sceptre86 · 18/12/2023 20:23

Apologies just read your update as you posted. Yanbu and I'd be annoyed too. As the kids are grown adults with their own homes and she doesn't know the extended relatives she doesn't need to insert herself in to the family. She's divorced, sounds like she has been for a number of years and her ex husband's overseas relatives should be non of her concern. Does it feel like she is deliberately trying to undermine you both?

Ultimately there isn't much you can do. I wouldn't take up the offer if I was in their shoes. If I was visiting from abroad I'd make contact with my actual relative rather than the ex wife and hope to see the kids with my relative at a restaurant somewhere or at their home.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 20:24

And presumably, she wasn't able to hijack a video call without an invitation? Unless she's a weapons grade hacker with major skills?

CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 20:26

And your op is 'ex wives' so you're being a bit goady all round I think?

If this was just about your dp's ex, why not write that?

LolaSmiles · 18/12/2023 20:26

Any time I hear there's an awful divorce and the poor man was left with nothing I'm instantly a little suspicious.

It seems likely this is one of those situations where context matters, especially age of the children when the marriage ended, who was the primary parent, how much involvement did the non-resident parent have and prior to the divorce did the ex wife take hits on her earnings and pension for the family unit which enabled the ex husband to build his career.

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:29

The home we live in is mine! Thkids are always complaining about the ex wife and how they would prefer to be at ours but she makes it impossible. None of the rest of DP's family will have anything to do with her because of her abusive behaviour. I am not jealous at all as I have a lovely family, great job and a wonderful relationship with DP.
Is it so incomprehensible to just be sick of a her horrible entitled attitude.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 18/12/2023 20:30

I can't see why this is anything to do with you? Am I missing something?

Barmecide · 18/12/2023 20:31

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:22

I am not attempting to control her. I am just exasperated by her over bearing control. It is well accepted in the family that everything has to be done her way and I think she genuinely believes she has a right to have things done her way and emotionaly blackmail their children to comply.
The family she has invited to visit only made contact with my DP after they split up. They traced him as they became aware that he was a relative after his father died. They have no connection to her and the adult children have homes of their own so there is absolutely no need for her to be involved.

There’s no ‘need’ for most things. There’s no need for her to celebrate Christmas. There’s no ‘need’ for the children to spend Christmas with her. There’s no ‘need’ for you and your FP to have got together. Presumably they do these things because they want to.

Presumably your DP’s ex wife, for her own reasons, wants to meet people who are, after all, her children’s relatives.

sprigatito · 18/12/2023 20:33

They're his kids, she's their mother; there's bound to be a bit of blurring of boundaries over things like Christmas and family contact. The real question is why you are so bent out of shape about it. What does it matter who she sees and talks to? Why do you think it is your business?

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:35

I bought all the money into the relationship and am very happy to do so . The point is she is inviting Dp relatives who she doesn't know to stay in a house, even the judge at the settlement hearing said she had conived to take from my DP.
It's not a practical issue, it's a point of principle.

OP posts: