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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex wives should not invite ex hisbands relatives she had not met while they were married to visit her?

91 replies

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:08

To think my DP's ex wife with whom he had a very acrimonious divorce should not have invited my DP's family from the US to stay with her when they next visit London. She has never met them but joined in on a video message his adult children made to send wedding wishes to their cousin. I am furious. She made his life hell for 20 yrs and took all his money . The US relatives have a vague understanding of what happened but I just don't know what I would do if they take her up on her offer. As he was left with nothing we have a very modest small home while she has a £600K house in Surrey and seems to hijack every event with no shame.
Now she is trying to muscle in playing the fab hostess with his family. His 3 adult children will be coming to stay after Christmas, because obviously the ex gets first pick of Christmas EVERY year, and I don't know how I can keep my feelings in AGAIN and keep the peace. I feel like I am always having to hold my tongue so as not to cause any upset.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 20:35

It's none of your business

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:37

Because I have to hear everyone's complaints about her and she affects how my time is spent with our blended family. No-one ever gets a choice about who goes where. She dictates and because my DP wants to keep the peace he never states hos preferences.

OP posts:
terraced · 18/12/2023 20:39

It's none of your business, as others have said. Let them get on with it and you do your thing.

sprigatito · 18/12/2023 20:42

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:37

Because I have to hear everyone's complaints about her and she affects how my time is spent with our blended family. No-one ever gets a choice about who goes where. She dictates and because my DP wants to keep the peace he never states hos preferences.

If you don't want to hear complaints about her, shut them down. Say that you don't want to talk about her and change the subject.

The kids are adults. Her life is her life - including her relationships with other people - and yours is yours. You need to move on for your own sake; you sound eaten up with bitterness and it isn't healthy.

hotpotlover · 18/12/2023 20:42

Blended families are always a bit complicated, OP.

I wouldn't get worked up about it, it has nothing to do with you.

Just focus on your husband and children this Christmas.

LolaSmiles · 18/12/2023 20:45

She dictates and because my DP wants to keep the peace he never states hos preferences
This has apparently been going on for 20 years though.

Your DP isn't passive.
He's made his choice.

Why new partners fall hook line and sinker for the he hasn't a choice line is beyond me.
This isn't an ex wife problem.
It's a DP problem.

Tandora · 18/12/2023 20:48

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:22

I am not attempting to control her. I am just exasperated by her over bearing control. It is well accepted in the family that everything has to be done her way and I think she genuinely believes she has a right to have things done her way and emotionaly blackmail their children to comply.
The family she has invited to visit only made contact with my DP after they split up. They traced him as they became aware that he was a relative after his father died. They have no connection to her and the adult children have homes of their own so there is absolutely no need for her to be involved.

They have no connection to her and the adult children have homes of their own so there is absolutely no need for her to be involved

what are you on about? Theres no need for them to connect, but apparently they have because presumably they want to.

There is , however, absolutely no need whatsoever for YOU to be involved in getting bent out of shape about an invitation agreed upon by a group of consenting adults which doesn’t involve you 🤷🏼‍♀️. Literally none of your business.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 20:48

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:35

I bought all the money into the relationship and am very happy to do so . The point is she is inviting Dp relatives who she doesn't know to stay in a house, even the judge at the settlement hearing said she had conived to take from my DP.
It's not a practical issue, it's a point of principle.

Again,

  1. what business is it of yours who she invites to get house?

  2. how did she get into a video call and how do you know that happened?

  3. if the kids are all adults are they living on their own, with you, or with their mother?

Testina · 18/12/2023 20:49

She took all his money? 🤣

Chesterdoodle · 18/12/2023 20:49

You sound bitter and jealous. Time to get all of your frustrations out via a hobby, otherwise it will eat away at you

Tacotortoise · 18/12/2023 20:52

Why shouldn't she offer to host them if she wants to and they're willing? These are her children's family.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 20:53

How old are the adult children @Happyclapper18 ?

Onionsmadeofglass · 18/12/2023 20:57

This isn’t worth wasting any energy on.
The american relatives probably aren’t seeing it as she’s not their relative so they should visit your husband not her. They’re probably thinking they are all connected via the kids and were happy to be invited. Maybe they like her? Or her pets? Or the location of her house? They’re all adults making their own decisions and there’s nothing you can do about it so don’t bother stewing over it. Distant relations are not obliged to take sides in a divorce that happened 20years ago.

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:58

Thanks for the sarcasm but her daughter was doing her part of the video and she literally jumped in and took over!

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 21:01

They weren't connecting with her. She jumped in on a video that was meant to be done by the kids. I know because I've seen the video.

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 18/12/2023 21:02

YABU they're all adults and can do what they want.

You seem to be the one creating drama.

Marblessolveeverything · 18/12/2023 21:04

So she managed to manipulate everyone, children, courts, ex and now these relatives. Took all his money. I reckon that's full bingo card.

I respectfully would ask you to really take a step back and ask yourself is it anything to do with you? Nope then step away.

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 21:10

Thank you. This is exactly the situation. I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable to be annoyed and it seems the consensus of opinion is that I am but I'm glad you can see it from my point of view. I think she see my DP and I happy ( we met 4 years after their divorce) and is bitter so tries to throw a spanner in the works. I try not to rise to the bait but there is a limit. I'm not going to interfere as I never do but sometimes I wonder why I always have yo keep my feelings to myself so that she doesn't get upset..

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 18/12/2023 21:11

You sound very very bitter OP, to the point that you seem to be incandescent with rage about her very existence. You’re far too invested with what she does and doesn’t do. The dcs are now adults, so neither you or your dh have a need to be involved with his ex at all, other than maybe weddings etc. Dont engage in conversations with other people that involve what she’s doing. Sounds like other people in the family are feeding you information and stirring the pot. I think you’d feel a lot better if you didn’t have to know what she’s doing, and just didn’t invest your time or energy in her life.

Savedpassword · 18/12/2023 21:13

Nice one OP. Very funny 😄

poetryandwine · 18/12/2023 21:15

OP,

I can see why you are annoyed but I agree with a PP that the root cause is a DP problem. You’ve said your DP puts a great deal of effort into keeping the peace. This probably does put him, you, and the two of you as a couple at a practical disadvantage.

The question is, why does he do this?

Sapphire387 · 18/12/2023 21:15

I'm with you, actually. I know everyone is an adult and you can't tell her what to do, but it is quite frankly a bit weird on her part. She sounds like she can't let go.

But it's up to your DP to stand up to her, and surely he could say to his relatives - look, that's my ex-wife and she's always causing me trouble. Might make them think twice about visiting her.

Lilithlogic · 18/12/2023 21:17

Did your dh not bring any money into your marriage, is he a bit of a cocklodger really?

Onionsmadeofglass · 18/12/2023 21:21

No, I mean the American relations are connected to your husband’s ex by their kids.
Bit like how I’m connected to my nieces and nephews by my kids. They aren’t my blood relations but they are my child’s cousins so they are part of my family as far as I’m concerned, independently of my relationship with my child’s dad/their uncle.

Onionsmadeofglass · 18/12/2023 21:24

I can see why you feel weird about it but it’s pointless giving those feelings any attention because none of the people involved are going to care about your opinion and if the ex wife enjoys winding you up it will only make her worse if it gets back to her that you’re bothered.