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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex wives should not invite ex hisbands relatives she had not met while they were married to visit her?

91 replies

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 20:08

To think my DP's ex wife with whom he had a very acrimonious divorce should not have invited my DP's family from the US to stay with her when they next visit London. She has never met them but joined in on a video message his adult children made to send wedding wishes to their cousin. I am furious. She made his life hell for 20 yrs and took all his money . The US relatives have a vague understanding of what happened but I just don't know what I would do if they take her up on her offer. As he was left with nothing we have a very modest small home while she has a £600K house in Surrey and seems to hijack every event with no shame.
Now she is trying to muscle in playing the fab hostess with his family. His 3 adult children will be coming to stay after Christmas, because obviously the ex gets first pick of Christmas EVERY year, and I don't know how I can keep my feelings in AGAIN and keep the peace. I feel like I am always having to hold my tongue so as not to cause any upset.

OP posts:
Savedpassword · 18/12/2023 22:21

5128gap · 18/12/2023 22:16

I struggle to imagine how compelling this woman must be to have your husband and adult children all seemingly spellbound into doing what she wants against their will. And if that's not enough, forcing a judge to order an unfair settlement that they deemed 'conniving'. And now, to have somehow coerced these relatives into meeting her. No doubt against their will too.
I wonder if somewhere along the way, people are being less than truthful with you OP, and are perhaps telling you what you want to hear about a woman that people do actually like and want to spend time with?

It’s witchcraft. She has them ALL under a spell 😂

travelallthetime · 18/12/2023 22:28

ok as an adult child to divorced parents you are in the right. What she is doing is fucking weird.
She has ADULT children. There is absolutely no need for her to be involving herself in their fathers side of the family. She does not need to know her childrens fathers side of the family, it has absolutely nothing to do with her. I would be 100% mortified if my mum did that to my dad and cannot think of any reason why she would (p.s, she wouldnt, because she doesnt need to have anything to do with my dads side).
The Xmas thing, I would let that slide, the adult children need to grow a set if they want to spend xmas day with their dad, maybe he just needs to ask first. This xmas when you are all together he should say, we would really love it if you would like to come to us next xmas day. Its up to them then, maybe they dont think they are invited!

Martinii · 18/12/2023 22:29

I never trust men who spin the line about their ex making their life hell for years, then take everything, leaving him without a pot to piss in. There's always more to the story!

Either way, the kids are adults, so you have the very easy option to not get involved, nor do you ever have to speak to the ex unless it meant being civil for a wedding, etc. It's easy to make the ex a villain in your mind based on a story's told from your dp and he's done a very good job to ensure you really dislike a woman who you never actually knew of until 4 years after their split.

MorrisZapp · 18/12/2023 22:32

Please explain exactly why you're so upset that some distant relatives of your dp have accepted an invitation extended to them by your DPs kids mother. Because I am very confused.

BagelandEggs · 18/12/2023 22:34

God, people, polish up on your reading skills! The OP saw the recording! The kids are adults with their own houses! If ex wants to host American relatives in her house that no-one else lives in then they are in for a shock but maybe everyone can meet up outside the house separately and have a nice time. I sympathise OP, but feel it is up to the family members to sort out for themselves! Good luck!

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 18/12/2023 22:37

You don't get much house in surrey for £600k these days.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 22:37

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 18/12/2023 22:37

You don't get much house in surrey for £600k these days.

Depends where!

Greenpolkadot · 18/12/2023 22:38

Who the American relatives want to stay with is up to them. It's their choice surely.
And I think a lot of your problem is your DP and the adult kids who ,even though they don't live with her, give in to her every whim.
You're against a brick wall with all this.
Everyone moans about her but nobody has got the guts to stand up to her.

Passingthethyme · 18/12/2023 22:40

When you say his 3 adult children, do you mean their adult children? In which case her Children's relatives? YABU.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2023 22:41

It's for nothing to do with you or your partner what random members of his family and his ex do. Jeez.

Your ADULT step kids can pick who they eat with. They can choose to video chat their family whilst their mother is there. Your passengers adult relatives can choose where to stay when they visit. Your passenger can invite them over and make it clear he won't see them if she's there if HE cannot beat to be around then.

sprigatito · 18/12/2023 22:43

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 22:04

It seems that there aren't many people on here who understand the concept of what s appropriate to do and what is not. Obviously people are free to do whatever the hell they like but that doesn't mean that those actions are acceptable, considerate or understandable.
I am also entitled to my feelings.

Yes, that must be it. Everyone on MN lacks basic social etiquette. You're the only one with any sense of what's normal and acceptable.

That's a much more plausible scenario than you being wrong and everyone trying to explain it to you.

Saschka · 18/12/2023 22:47

Happyclapper18 · 18/12/2023 21:49

It was recorded and my DP showed it yo me not thinking it would bother me.

Does this not tell you that you are being unreasonable?

BrilliantEarth · 18/12/2023 23:01

If you don't want to find yourself having to bear your partner's ex in mind for more or less ever, don't get together with a man who already has children.

Stupidliefromfriend · 18/12/2023 23:03

I can relate OP. I have one of these in my life. The "it's none of your business" brigade are so boring. Of course it's annoying when years down the line she is still trying to assert her position.

It doesn't bother me anymore because my DH is now of the same mindset as me; why are you involving yourself, please go away. Talk to your DP and tell him how this is making you feel.

Original poster
Happyclapper18 · 19/12/2023 07:53

Having read through all the comments I realise that IABU. In my defence I didn't give the full picture of the history between my DP and the ex but despite that I can see that I have blown the situation up to something it doesn't need to be.
I think I was triggered because it was another example of, in my mind, my very placid DP's feeling about the idea of his long lost family staying with his ex who made much of his adult life a misery, being ignored.
He has come to terms with that past life and I know I need to too.
However, as the thread states, I was asking a question and I am actually relieved to be proven wrong as it will help me put aside my feelings. The problem is that I will not be using this platform again to get the opinion of people outside the situation which is a shame as it should be a great tool to help in difficult situations.
The problem is the aggression, dismissivness and enthusiasm to criticise that responders employ.
Mumsnet used to be a welcoming platform but now it seems to be a portal for people to be keyboard warriors and behave in a way they probably wouldn't IRL.
Can I just urge you to show a little kindness in your future responses as people who post on here obviously want to garner opinions to come to a conclusion that they may not have expected, but don't want to feel like they have to battle with 'haters'.

OP posts:
Neriah · 19/12/2023 08:09

The problem is the aggression, dismissivness and enthusiasm to criticise that responders employ.

Pot, kettle, black? Your posts about the ex-wife are sterling examples of aggression, dismissiveness and enthusiasm to criticise - about something that really wasn't any of your business.

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