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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask not to be Santa?

78 replies

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 19:10

My mother in Law and I have a very strained relationship she oversteps a lot of boundaries and it came to a huge argument. I keep a civil relationship for the sake of my partner and child. We previously asked that she does not do a Christmas Eve box for DC as this is a tradition we would like to do for him, she agreed but every year since has done a stocking with all the same items in it as a box would have. I have let this go as he gets his box from us and the stocking whenever we give it as she usually gives this to him a few days before Christmas, he is too young to remember so we can give it to him to open when we like. Last year she labelled the presents in her house that were from her as “from Santa” we reminded her that Santa only came to mum and dad’s house so those presents were from her. Anyway this year she handed him an envelope I thought it was a card so opened it with him at home, in it was a letter from Santa a tradition we have done every year for him. Am I being unreasonable to think this is overstepping the boundaries and it is time to let us live these magical moments? I text her after we opened it thanking her but reminding her anything from Santa comes from us and not her. I’m asking as I don’t want to create more arguments if I am in the wrong!

YABU-let her do Santa things
YANBU- you’re the parent you should have those moments

OP posts:
Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 18/12/2023 19:14

I’ve voted YANBU because she should speak to you about these things but you do sound a bit precious saying only you should have those moments.
Is it possible that her other unreasonable behaviours are colouring the way you’re viewing the Christmas thing?

SarcasmAndCoffee · 18/12/2023 19:17

I think YABU. There is no harm in her doing Santa things and it isn’t negatively impacting DC. If anything it’s spreading the joy of Christmas more.

I do understand it’s annoying that she doesn’t respect your boundaries but I do think they are unreasonable in this situation

Heyhoherewegoagain · 18/12/2023 19:19

Why is it so terrible that “Santa” leaves things for your child at another house?

it’s hardly surprising people have strained relationships with family with this shit

kimchio · 18/12/2023 19:21

What a cow. She knew you do santa. She's doing deliberately now.

HardStareBear · 18/12/2023 19:22

My in laws do the 'Santa left some presents at our house' thing. It used to drive me crackers but, the reality is, the kids don't care who the presents allegedly come from, they're just pleased to get the gifts. I doesn't bother me at all now, but I won't do the same because I still think that 'Santa' should be my children and their partners.

NCNov123 · 18/12/2023 19:23

Is there any Xmas tradition you would be happy for you MIL to have with your DC? Because you seem to have rejected everything she's tried.

It would have been so much easier to say, "oh look Santa knew you'd be at granny's so he's left gifts for you here too." Doesn't make your Santa gifts any less magical.

As for the stocking with the Xmas eve box stuff - so that's a book, PJs, a small toy, so really normal stocking gifts?

I think you don't like her and anything she tries is going to be wrong. She probably has been difficult in the past but you're making life harder for yourself by not letting her have her own bit of magic with her grandkids.

5128gap · 18/12/2023 19:28

When my DC were small, santa left a stocking at our house and one at nan's too. In fact most things happened twice over. They were very lucky to have double the fun. It's a bit mean to stop your DC benefitting from his grandmas generosity tbh, and a bit mean to begrudge her the pleasure.

LightToTheWorld · 18/12/2023 19:28

In my book, YANBU, OP. Parents do all the Santa stuff (or I suppose grandparents by arrangement)- every household does it slightly differently and it's hard to coordinate if someone keeps producing random letters and stockings etc which don't fit in with what you've told your DC.

Your MIL can have other Christmas traditions with DC.

Edited to add that IME it's quite normal to say that Santa has delivered to Granny's house but that it's still the parents who actually do it, not Granny.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/12/2023 19:30

You sound very hard work.

feelingalittlehorse · 18/12/2023 19:32

Santa is magic. He can visit multiple houses.

missmollygreen · 18/12/2023 19:34

YABU

Remember, it is likely that one day you will be the MIL

JackGrealishsCalves · 18/12/2023 19:34

The presents from Santa only being at your house is a bit shit and petty from you tbh.
My ds used to have presents from Santa at our house, my sisters house (on Boxing Day) and In Laws house on the other side of the world a few days later when we went over there

BornIn78 · 18/12/2023 19:46

I look back on some of the things that I was precious about when DS was little, some of it similar stuff to what you've written, and I often think that if I'd have taken the stick out from up my arse I'd probably have had a much better relationship with MIL.

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:03

I appreciate that and will respect boundaries of my son and his partner :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:04

I just feel it’s confusing as he grows up that it’s only her house and not his other grandparents houses so will raise a lot of questions

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:06

In the past we have suggested she take him for a Christmas Day out but she never has time for him unless she has no better plans so hasn’t done this. She tries to buy affection through items rather than time

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:08

My issue is it was only her house not all his other grandparents too so would become confusing. Kids tend to start questioning a lot younger now and a lot more so I want to allow the magic for as along as possible

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 18/12/2023 20:10

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:03

I appreciate that and will respect boundaries of my son and his partner :)

Eh?

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:11

I get on great with step MIL so I’m not sure it’s to do with a stick up my arse more the lack of respect for me, lack of respect of my boundaries. Clearly excluding me from everything she can and heavily relying on my partner for emotional support. My final straw was her throwing a huge tantrum because we wanted to go see my family one Christmas in another country after 4 years of spending it with her but thanks for your opinion :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:12

When I am the MIL some day I will respect my sons boundaries :)

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 18/12/2023 20:12

Ah right.

Hedonism · 18/12/2023 20:13

What a bitch, imagine wanting to do nice things for your grandchild.

I wouldn't worry about the inconsistencies, once your child starts school they will speak to their friends and realise that Santa does different things in different families.

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:15

I would rather she spend some time with him rather than only try buy his affection through things. We have suggested this as a tradition for them to have but she has not time for him.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/12/2023 20:18

I think you're being precious and a bit petty about Santa.

If she's a pain in the arse generally, then honestly I think you should pick your battles and not get into argy-bargy about every little thing.

Cos if you wrestle with pigs, you both get dirty, but the pig likes it.

She probably loves pressing your buttons. Sometimes winning looks like not rising to the bait.

kimchio · 18/12/2023 20:20

They only get one child hood make sure they have a magical one