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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask not to be Santa?

78 replies

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 19:10

My mother in Law and I have a very strained relationship she oversteps a lot of boundaries and it came to a huge argument. I keep a civil relationship for the sake of my partner and child. We previously asked that she does not do a Christmas Eve box for DC as this is a tradition we would like to do for him, she agreed but every year since has done a stocking with all the same items in it as a box would have. I have let this go as he gets his box from us and the stocking whenever we give it as she usually gives this to him a few days before Christmas, he is too young to remember so we can give it to him to open when we like. Last year she labelled the presents in her house that were from her as “from Santa” we reminded her that Santa only came to mum and dad’s house so those presents were from her. Anyway this year she handed him an envelope I thought it was a card so opened it with him at home, in it was a letter from Santa a tradition we have done every year for him. Am I being unreasonable to think this is overstepping the boundaries and it is time to let us live these magical moments? I text her after we opened it thanking her but reminding her anything from Santa comes from us and not her. I’m asking as I don’t want to create more arguments if I am in the wrong!

YABU-let her do Santa things
YANBU- you’re the parent you should have those moments

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:20

Sorry all new to this and just realised I should be quoting when replying x

OP posts:
Slobberchops1 · 18/12/2023 20:22

What and fat old man in a red suit sneaking into your house at the dead of night once a year isn’t already confusing😂😂😂😂.

lighten up

5128gap · 18/12/2023 20:23

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:12

When I am the MIL some day I will respect my sons boundaries :)

Its not your son's boundaries you'll need to worry about. Most people's sons care very little one way of the other for this sort of thing. It will most likely be your DiL who decides what you're allowed to do and join in with where your GC are concerned. Keep your fingers crossed she's generous.

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:26

5128gap · 18/12/2023 20:23

Its not your son's boundaries you'll need to worry about. Most people's sons care very little one way of the other for this sort of thing. It will most likely be your DiL who decides what you're allowed to do and join in with where your GC are concerned. Keep your fingers crossed she's generous.

Show quote history

I appreciate that however it’ll be their family and their decision and if I am not wanted to be part of that or certain things then that’s up to them as I will be the extended family. I would like to think by respecting them and their boundaries I would have a good relationship with them but wouldn’t not expect in any way to be included in everything they do.

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 18/12/2023 20:27

What's so wrong with a child having lovely Christmas memories of their grandparents? Wouldn't you like those too when it's your turn as a grandmother?

PollyPeep · 18/12/2023 20:27

You're taking this way too seriously! It's all just a bit of fun, and honestly your kid will find magic in all of it. Who cares where "Santa" delivers presents, he's a man who fits presents for all the children in the world in one sleigh, transports them via flying deer, and fits down every single chimney in the world in one evening, drinking 7 million glasses of sherry in the process 😂 Please, let your MIL have this, it'll make all of you happier if you relax a little and let her join in with the fun.

DNLove · 18/12/2023 20:29

She's a wagon. She's had her turn to do these things with her kids, not it's your turn to do it with your kids. My MIL tried to start the santa left some things here for you with my first born. I nipped it in the bud very quickly, very loudly and distinctly said the presents were from Grandma and Grandad. I also think it's unfair to do as kids get older and talk to other friends "how come santa doesn't leave presents in my grandparents house" "why doesn't santa give me as much as X gets". Or child starts asking for specific things to be left in each house and you then have to tell Grandma exactly what to buy.
"isn't Grandma silly, she's bought you all these lovely presents and giving santa credit when he didn't buy them. Give grandma a big hug and tell her thanks"

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:30

Dartmoorcheffy · 18/12/2023 20:27

What's so wrong with a child having lovely Christmas memories of their grandparents? Wouldn't you like those too when it's your turn as a grandmother?

Nothing at all wrong with memories I would just prefer the memories are spending time not buying things and trying to have the moments before we can

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Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:32

DNLove · 18/12/2023 20:29

She's a wagon. She's had her turn to do these things with her kids, not it's your turn to do it with your kids. My MIL tried to start the santa left some things here for you with my first born. I nipped it in the bud very quickly, very loudly and distinctly said the presents were from Grandma and Grandad. I also think it's unfair to do as kids get older and talk to other friends "how come santa doesn't leave presents in my grandparents house" "why doesn't santa give me as much as X gets". Or child starts asking for specific things to be left in each house and you then have to tell Grandma exactly what to buy.
"isn't Grandma silly, she's bought you all these lovely presents and giving santa credit when he didn't buy them. Give grandma a big hug and tell her thanks"

Thank you that’s exactly what I feel. I would be delighted if she was willing to spend time with him and make their own traditions that way but just leave Santa to us :)

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angelikacpickles · 18/12/2023 20:32

I can't believe all the people saying YABU! I don't know a single person who would be happy for their mother or MIL to do these things.

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:34

angelikacpickles · 18/12/2023 20:32

I can't believe all the people saying YABU! I don't know a single person who would be happy for their mother or MIL to do these things.

Thank you. To be honest I’m surprised too however the poll seems more in favour of I’m not being unreasonable. I wonder if the people who are against me are MILs or have kids themselves.

OP posts:
DNLove · 18/12/2023 20:40

Maybe give her ideas that can help her create a tradition. Maybe tell her that you are doing a memory box at end of each year for child and you'd love her to write a letter each year for the box. Or for her traditional gift to be a new Christmas tree decoration. One of those personalised ones "grandma and X 2023"

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:42

DNLove · 18/12/2023 20:40

Maybe give her ideas that can help her create a tradition. Maybe tell her that you are doing a memory box at end of each year for child and you'd love her to write a letter each year for the box. Or for her traditional gift to be a new Christmas tree decoration. One of those personalised ones "grandma and X 2023"

Thank you. I suggested they have a day out and take loads of photos I do photo books and thought I could put one together for their day out for them to both have a copy to keep but she’s apparently too busy to actually spend time with him. My mum does the decoration every year as she lives in another country so that’s already covered :) I love the letter from her idea I’ll suggest that thank you

OP posts:
LightToTheWorld · 18/12/2023 20:47

angelikacpickles · 18/12/2023 20:32

I can't believe all the people saying YABU! I don't know a single person who would be happy for their mother or MIL to do these things.

Agreed. I wonder whether it depends how you do Santa- if all the presents under the tree are from Santa then a few more is neither here nor there. But if your custom is that Santa brings a small stocking only and puts it at the end of the bed then someone else trying to give a second stocking is just odd.

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:49

LightToTheWorld · 18/12/2023 20:47

Agreed. I wonder whether it depends how you do Santa- if all the presents under the tree are from Santa then a few more is neither here nor there. But if your custom is that Santa brings a small stocking only and puts it at the end of the bed then someone else trying to give a second stocking is just odd.

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Santa brings a few small presents and we give the bigger ones but in her house all the huge presents are from Santa so it’s going to get confusing and unfair as he grows up talking to friends who maybe don’t get as much

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Myhusbandearns150k · 18/12/2023 20:50

I gave my nephew presents from Santa that were left at my house by mistake. He wasn’t confused he thought it was brilliant.

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 18/12/2023 20:57

I don't get why you are getting a hard time on this. I agree with you. She had her children and did her Xmas her way. This is not her time to write the letters or create the stocking. If she was asked to fine but you have clearly expressed you want to do these things and she is ignoring this. I think saying presents are from FC is annoying as we try and keep what is from him to a minimum in our house but solo it could be looked past but when it's crossing into everything you want to do it's either her pushing boundaries and annoying you on purpose or she is just totally oblivious to what you have said. What does dh say?

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:02

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 18/12/2023 20:57

I don't get why you are getting a hard time on this. I agree with you. She had her children and did her Xmas her way. This is not her time to write the letters or create the stocking. If she was asked to fine but you have clearly expressed you want to do these things and she is ignoring this. I think saying presents are from FC is annoying as we try and keep what is from him to a minimum in our house but solo it could be looked past but when it's crossing into everything you want to do it's either her pushing boundaries and annoying you on purpose or she is just totally oblivious to what you have said. What does dh say?

he understands why I want Santa to only be us and other gifts from her. He tends to say nothing though as he doesn’t like drama so doesn’t want to say one way or another however has told her he will always choose me over her as we are his family now. I am more than happy for her to create her own traditions just to leave Santa for us. I think she deliberately tries to annoy me because she always finds a way to go around what I’ve said

OP posts:
Mongrelsrbeautiful · 18/12/2023 21:08

I asked my relatives to stop saying their presents were from Santa, because I wanted him to know his relatives had made the effort, so that he could thank them properly. They had no problem changing, when asked. Could you explain it that way?

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:12

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 18/12/2023 21:08

I asked my relatives to stop saying their presents were from Santa, because I wanted him to know his relatives had made the effort, so that he could thank them properly. They had no problem changing, when asked. Could you explain it that way?

I explained this to her but she didn’t take it on board unfortunately

OP posts:
kimchio · 18/12/2023 21:18

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:12

I explained this to her but she didn’t take it on board unfortunately

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Oh she took it on board.. she then decided to chuck it overboard and power on ahead with whatever the hell it is she wanted to do and screw anyone else.

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:19

kimchio · 18/12/2023 21:18

Oh she took it on board.. she then decided to chuck it overboard and power on ahead with whatever the hell it is she wanted to do and screw anyone else.

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Well yea that’s exactly right 😂

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Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 18/12/2023 21:21

This isn't about Santa it's a power thing and l agree op it should be pqrents that do this - honestly, she has had her turn.
I say yanbu op

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 21:23

I thought it was lovely that my IL's had santa go to their house, parents do not own their children it is not a competition

this weird parent 'we have to do it all' is very strange

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:27

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 21:23

I thought it was lovely that my IL's had santa go to their house, parents do not own their children it is not a competition

this weird parent 'we have to do it all' is very strange

I find this strange because to me parents do own their children until they are of course adults but a grandparent is a privilege not a right and if you don’t respect the parents and their boundaries you don’t deserve to be in that child’s life

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