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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask not to be Santa?

78 replies

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 19:10

My mother in Law and I have a very strained relationship she oversteps a lot of boundaries and it came to a huge argument. I keep a civil relationship for the sake of my partner and child. We previously asked that she does not do a Christmas Eve box for DC as this is a tradition we would like to do for him, she agreed but every year since has done a stocking with all the same items in it as a box would have. I have let this go as he gets his box from us and the stocking whenever we give it as she usually gives this to him a few days before Christmas, he is too young to remember so we can give it to him to open when we like. Last year she labelled the presents in her house that were from her as “from Santa” we reminded her that Santa only came to mum and dad’s house so those presents were from her. Anyway this year she handed him an envelope I thought it was a card so opened it with him at home, in it was a letter from Santa a tradition we have done every year for him. Am I being unreasonable to think this is overstepping the boundaries and it is time to let us live these magical moments? I text her after we opened it thanking her but reminding her anything from Santa comes from us and not her. I’m asking as I don’t want to create more arguments if I am in the wrong!

YABU-let her do Santa things
YANBU- you’re the parent you should have those moments

OP posts:
Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 21:27

Stay away from her the whole of December op. She is an absolute cow...

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:29

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 21:27

Stay away from her the whole of December op. She is an absolute cow...

I would love to but I wouldn’t do that to DH and DC and I don’t want to be resented by them later on if I did go no contact with her.

OP posts:
LightToTheWorld · 18/12/2023 21:31

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:49

Santa brings a few small presents and we give the bigger ones but in her house all the huge presents are from Santa so it’s going to get confusing and unfair as he grows up talking to friends who maybe don’t get as much

Show quote history

I think this is part of the issue. If Santa brings everything then what do a few more presents matter? But if (as at our house) Santa brings stockings only and to your bedroom, another one makes no sense. It would be like your mil trying to be a second tooth fairy.

(I’m enjoying people lecturing you about your future DIL when you’re the one arguing for respecting DILs.)

Pacificisolated · 18/12/2023 21:31

She sounds like a total pain. If you’re going to ‘do’ santa you need some consistency to it or kids get confused. I would be inclined to just loudly announce that grandma had brought over some presents for DC, remove the tag that says santa and stick then under the tree for Xmas day.
The obsession with gift buying but lack of interest in actually spending time with DC would wind me up too though. My MIL loves buying useless junk for my DC but actually contributes regular childcare and loves us visiting.

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:35

LightToTheWorld · 18/12/2023 21:31

I think this is part of the issue. If Santa brings everything then what do a few more presents matter? But if (as at our house) Santa brings stockings only and to your bedroom, another one makes no sense. It would be like your mil trying to be a second tooth fairy.

(I’m enjoying people lecturing you about your future DIL when you’re the one arguing for respecting DILs.)

Show quote history

I do find it ironic too 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:38

Pacificisolated · 18/12/2023 21:31

She sounds like a total pain. If you’re going to ‘do’ santa you need some consistency to it or kids get confused. I would be inclined to just loudly announce that grandma had brought over some presents for DC, remove the tag that says santa and stick then under the tree for Xmas day.
The obsession with gift buying but lack of interest in actually spending time with DC would wind me up too though. My MIL loves buying useless junk for my DC but actually contributes regular childcare and loves us visiting.

Exactly. I don’t get near the gifts as she insists on giving them to him herself which doesn’t bother me at all it’s just the from Santa aspect. I’m so happy that you have a MIL who contributes time thankfully my step MIL loves spending time with him and will buy a few gifts for him but prefers to spend time with him.

OP posts:
Newuser75 · 18/12/2023 21:40

My in laws used to do this too. I found it very weird. Like why not just tell the kids that the presents were for them.

I thought it would confuse them, why would Santa leave presents for them at our house then fly over to theirs to leave more. Very odd.

5128gap · 18/12/2023 21:40

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 20:34

Thank you. To be honest I’m surprised too however the poll seems more in favour of I’m not being unreasonable. I wonder if the people who are against me are MILs or have kids themselves.

Show quote history

Well, like all MiLs, both in my case! I disagreed with you, but as a mother who wouldn't have wanted my children to lose out because i didnt want to share, rather than a grandmother who wants to overstep. I have the best DiL a woman could wish for, generous in sharing all aspects of the children's lives with me, not even slightly precious or territorial, so I've no axe to grind. I do feel a bit sorry for MiLs who aren't as fortunate though.

kimchio · 18/12/2023 21:41

Call her out on it. After Christmas say why are you ruining my child's childhood

Colinswheels · 18/12/2023 21:44

My MIL also liked to pretend Santa had been to their house for a while but has sort of dropped it now. It was a bit odd as it looked like there weren't any presents from them. I pretty much just ignored it and told the kids to thank them for the gifts and tbh the kids didn't really notice or care as long as they had presents!

It did mildly annoy me initially as I felt she had had her Santa years already but I didn't make a big deal of it. Luckily she didn't overstep as much as your MIL though.

GrumpyPanda · 18/12/2023 21:44

YABU for using the ridiculous phrase "magical moments." Never quite sure just what people mean by this, but going by your OP it sounds like it's some sort of circus trick.

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 21:44

Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:27

I find this strange because to me parents do own their children until they are of course adults but a grandparent is a privilege not a right and if you don’t respect the parents and their boundaries you don’t deserve to be in that child’s life

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We do not have 'boundaries' in parenting, we realise that we cannot control every aspect of our childs life, our child is privledgesd they have so many people in their life that add nice things to it, we don't own our child

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:46

5128gap · 18/12/2023 21:40

Well, like all MiLs, both in my case! I disagreed with you, but as a mother who wouldn't have wanted my children to lose out because i didnt want to share, rather than a grandmother who wants to overstep. I have the best DiL a woman could wish for, generous in sharing all aspects of the children's lives with me, not even slightly precious or territorial, so I've no axe to grind. I do feel a bit sorry for MiLs who aren't as fortunate though.

Show quote history

If she had respected me from the get go she would have a lot more involvement. She is separated from FIL who is re married and I get on amazing with him and step MIL and both have huge involvement in our lives and DS because they respect the boundaries and us as a couple. I appreciate some MIL are just cut off for no reason but in many cases it’s due to lack of respect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:47

GrumpyPanda · 18/12/2023 21:44

YABU for using the ridiculous phrase "magical moments." Never quite sure just what people mean by this, but going by your OP it sounds like it's some sort of circus trick.

The feeling of having your child experience something like Santa and seeing their little face lighting up is a magical feeling :)

OP posts:
Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 21:51

Surely a good life lesson to dc that you aren't a doormat to people who clearly don't like you? Dc may well end up asking why you still give her the time of day...

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:51

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 21:44

We do not have 'boundaries' in parenting, we realise that we cannot control every aspect of our childs life, our child is privledgesd they have so many people in their life that add nice things to it, we don't own our child

Show quote history

Our boundaries are the way we protect our children to ensure they grow up loved, safe, respected and valued until they are old enough to decide who or what they want in their life. One example of my boundary is no public photos of my child on social media to protect him as he grows up until he is old enough to decide what he wishes to be shared about him but she posted public photos anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:54

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 18/12/2023 21:51

Surely a good life lesson to dc that you aren't a doormat to people who clearly don't like you? Dc may well end up asking why you still give her the time of day...

I agree but i feel he will eventually make his own opinion on her and I need to leave the door open to relationships while still protecting him. If I cut certain people out he will resent it and I’m the bad one. I can explain that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and deal with difficult people while remaining civil such as in a workplace.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 21:57

OP sure I may be the only one that thinks so but your child may benifit you having assistance in working through whatever issues you have, you are coming across as very intense

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 21:59

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 21:57

OP sure I may be the only one that thinks so but your child may benifit you having assistance in working through whatever issues you have, you are coming across as very intense

Sorry you think so but your points make zero sense to me just let people who claim to love my child do as they please and I should accept it. I will continue to protect my child how I see fit and keep boundaries in place that will allow him to be healthy, happy and loved. We all parent differently and if you don’t agree that’s ok you can parent your children how you see fit.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 18/12/2023 22:01

She's had her time of being Santa to her own now it's your turn

AuntMarch · 18/12/2023 22:07

You've asked her not to do it, that should have been enough. Regardless of whether pp would like it or not, you dont!
I wouldn't either. I don't want there to be endless presents from father Christmas! I want my son to appreciate that people are choosing and buying things they'll think he will like. The big man just does a stocking (well a sack, because there's always books), and then a gift he's been asked for. I'd expect any grandparents to respect that.

ohdofukoff · 18/12/2023 22:17

I get it. Mine did this too. It used to really piss me off for the same reasons it does for you.
When my daughter was opening a sack of stuff 'from Santa' at theirs I said after each present. Thank you, grandma that's really kind etc.

Once my daughter questioned if they were from Grandma or Santa and I just said out loud with a bit of a wink 'Grandma likes to say it's from Santa but it's actually from Grandma'.

Original poster
Cath47890 · 18/12/2023 22:18

ohdofukoff · 18/12/2023 22:17

I get it. Mine did this too. It used to really piss me off for the same reasons it does for you.
When my daughter was opening a sack of stuff 'from Santa' at theirs I said after each present. Thank you, grandma that's really kind etc.

Once my daughter questioned if they were from Grandma or Santa and I just said out loud with a bit of a wink 'Grandma likes to say it's from Santa but it's actually from Grandma'.

Love this I might need to just do this in future as it seems she will continue to do it. Thank you

OP posts:
caringcarer · 18/12/2023 22:19

MiL has had her turn to play Santa. Now it's your turn. I'm a Nanny now and I make my 2 DGS's a little stocking but always check with my DD what I can put in it as DC have 4 sets of grandparents and 2 sets of Great grandparents so we don't want duplicate gifts. I wouldn't dream of saying Santa left them. I just say they are from Nanny and Grampa. To be honest they get far more excited when I make them home made ginger cookies in Xmas shapes and ice them.

kimchio · 18/12/2023 22:21

ohdofukoff · 18/12/2023 22:17

I get it. Mine did this too. It used to really piss me off for the same reasons it does for you.
When my daughter was opening a sack of stuff 'from Santa' at theirs I said after each present. Thank you, grandma that's really kind etc.

Once my daughter questioned if they were from Grandma or Santa and I just said out loud with a bit of a wink 'Grandma likes to say it's from Santa but it's actually from Grandma'.

That's great