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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

But embarrassing for me, but was DH wrong too?

452 replies

Suze889 · 18/12/2023 17:57

Work night out recently. I got completely hammered on red wine; I must say now and I do mean this, this is really unlike me but it happened so have to to tell the truth. Work colleagues were also drunk but luckily female colleague’s husband was on hand to take us back to hers. I love about 45 minutes away and was supposed to be getting the train home but was not capable of this. I know the shame. This is where it gets weird. Colleague and her husband called my husband from my phone. I was incapable of speaking to him and was lying on sofa. My husband was completely unperturbed by the whole thing, refused to come and pick me up, (it was only nine o’clock) and pretty much left me at my colleagues so I had to stay the night and THEY had to drive me home the next day. So embarrassing. My colleagues were also a bit drunk And outraged at my husband’s behaviour and when he refused to come and pick me up. They called back to discover he had turned his phone off! Now I was completely oblivious to all this happening but now I just feel so little and small. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have collected him, I have done similar before. My colleagues all think he’s a dick but are being polite and I am mortified on all fronts.

OP posts:
bowiesmum · 19/12/2023 00:23

I'm always shocked by the angels of mumnet who have never gotten pissed...People are saying your colleagues should be furious at you. I've been on many a night out when someone has too much to drink. I would never ever be furious at them!

Xmas parties are notorious for people over doing it. I wouldn't worry about it and if people were annoyed with you, then they wouldn't be the type of colleagues I'd want to socialise with anyway.

I'd be so upset with my husband if he did that. Especially at 9pm!! I had my Xmas party last week and rang my husband at 1am as couldn't get a taxi and he drove 30mins to get me as I would do for him! And we have three kids, oldest is 15 so able to leave them.

I'd be really hurt that he didn't have your back. And to turn off his phone is awful. As you said, you have done similar for him.

SheerLucks · 19/12/2023 00:32

As PPs have said, don't worry about your work colleague's opinion on you getting drunk at a Christmas do, it's all par for the course.

But your DH's behaviour is unforgivable and unfortunately so embarrassing for you.

It's like he literally doesn't give a sh*t and that is what is obviously going to get people talking.

It doesn't help that we watched Die Hard last night, where Bruce Willis rescues his estranged wife from a Christmas party. Your DH is like 0.0001% of that guy...

autienotnaughty · 19/12/2023 00:36

He was wrong to ignore colleagues requests to collect you. They should not have had to manage this.

SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 00:52

Everythingwillbeokay · 18/12/2023 23:33

I'm bemused by the people who think he should have come to pick you up. You're an adult, this is insane. Get a taxi for goodness sake.

What taxi would be willing to take someone that drunk?

coxesorangepippin · 19/12/2023 00:58

Yeah, he should've picked you up.

Given that this is a one off, I can't see why he wouldn't?

But if he has form for belittling you, then this maybe is just another one of those times?

coxesorangepippin · 19/12/2023 01:00

And yes, op did the wrong thing, professional appearances etc etc but give the woman a bloody break.

user1492757084 · 19/12/2023 01:01

He should have had your back and offered to pick you up in the morning once you had slept it off.
He was not a dick to not want to drive when tired to collect a drunkard who might vomit and who needed to sleep.
You need to have a plan set in place before going out drinking so much. Anticipate having to get home. How will you do it?

Can you pre-arrange and prepay a taxi? Can you warn your husband that he is not to drink and that he should go to bed very early so he can be refrershed enough to collect you when you phone and wake him?

Can you ask husband to come to the venue at a reasonable hour to pick you up - before you are so drunk?

Think ahead so that you don't have to be embarrassed again.

SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 01:23

You're a professional woman, with friends and no children.

Why stay married to someone like that?

You could divorce him and have a lovely life.

FantaBanane · 19/12/2023 01:36

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 22:39

Being married doesn’t entitle someone to the unconditional support of their spouse regardless of how they behave. People are still allowed boundaries within marriages of what they will and won’t tolerate, and OP was entirely responsible for getting herself in this situation. She was safe and didn’t need to be collected. It isn’t her husband’s duty to try and temper the embarrassment she might suffer, that’s entirely on her! As for this “responsible for” each other malarkey, no, you’re still two autonomous adults. Just because you’ve chosen to legally commit to each other doesn’t mean never being called out on your bullshit.

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Blimey, she got drunk, she didn’t murder someone.

Wokkadema · 19/12/2023 01:51

YourNameGoesHere · 18/12/2023 18:13

Yes because we're all perfect and no one ever makes a mistake. 🤔

To be honest if you were that drunk before 9pm I'd wonder if your drink had been spiked.

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This went through my mind as well. If a friend who doesn't normally drink to excess was so impacted that they could not speak, I would be heading over and checking things out very carefully!!!

U2HasTheEdge · 19/12/2023 01:52

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 23:35

That really depends on the situation though doesn’t it? If I was on a night out with someone (spouse, friend, whoever) who was blind drunk and couldn’t control themselves then yes I’d help them if I was the only person around to do so. If I was at home and that person was drunk and being helped by someone else, and I was satisfied they were safe, then no I wouldn’t see a need to step in. if they had an accident and ended up in hospital or got mugged or something totally outside of their control that’s totally different, and yes of course I’d help. But in the specific situation of getting too drunk - no, I wouldn’t have any sympathy for that when it’s entirely of their own making. That isn’t my problem.

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I help people in a lot of situations that aren't technically my problem. I also feel sympathy for people who mess up, especially the person I'm married to.

OP's colleagues asked her husband to step in. They clearly weren't comfortable with looking after her for whatever reason.

If you leave your drunk wife with colleagues who she may not even be close to and who clearly want her to go home, then you're being a complete arsehole to say no and then switch off your phone.

MacarenaMacarena · 19/12/2023 02:21

Rather risk your partner puking in someone else's car or sofa?
Or choking on her vomit in her drunken slumber?
The honourable choice was to collect wife and relieve the work colleagues of that onerous and unnecessary responsibility. And give her the lecture later.

whatnow123 · 19/12/2023 02:26

I have picked my wife up in that state and she threw up all over my car. Had to drag her into the house dead weight as she was too drunk to wake.

If I was in that state I wouldn't want my wife to pick me up. I'm not sure how she would move me her being 9st and me being 15st. Leave me to sleep it off.

LemonTreeSkies · 19/12/2023 02:44

It’s all very well people saying that if their partners was in such a state they they wouldn’t want them home either, but it’s shitty to put someone else in the position of caring for a pukey drunk because you don’t want to.

Jf20 · 19/12/2023 06:59

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:49

Cause he was too busy not being on her side to collect her is why. Cause he stated over the phone he was advertising that she has a shit husband who doesn't give a shit about her and is happy to tell her work colleagues that.

That's WHY she is so embarrassed, why are you all pretending to miss that?.

OP You must be feeling so shit and I'm so sorry, he has basically told your work colleagues you're in a shit marriage. I'd be dying inside too. I wouldn't do that to someone I was married to or even liked a little bit.

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What? Thats such an Illogival answer. I asked why she didn’t get a taxi home and why these people had to do a 90 min round trip on top of what they had already done.

her being embarassed, having a shit husband, or him not picking her up, does not mean she couldn’t get a taxi the next day, she’s a grown up. She has personal responsibility. She’s not a child to be taken home.

tuvamoodyson · 19/12/2023 07:08

Cosmosforbreakfast · 18/12/2023 18:57

I'm going to echo a PP and also wonder if you got your drink spiked. Your husband should have been concerned about this possibility too.

His behaviour was disgraceful. Adult or not, blind drunk or not, in a safe place or not, coming to get you should have been his priority.

If he's being evasive about what he was doing is it possible he was with another woman?

She said she was drinking red wine on an empty stomach..

electriclight · 19/12/2023 07:40

I wouldn't have picked dp up in that situation either.

By that time, I'd be relaxed and in my pyjamas, maybe even in bed. I might also have had a glass of wine and not be able to legally drive.

I'd be irritated that he'd got into such a state, and that my evening was now impacted because of it. If he was safe at someone's home, I'd leave him there. Better to be throwing up in a bucket than in my car.

Barmecide · 19/12/2023 07:41

SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 00:52

What taxi would be willing to take someone that drunk?

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Even the next day?

gannett · 19/12/2023 07:46

Imagwine · 18/12/2023 23:45

Bloody hell.

Loads of people saying they’d have left their partner there because she was safe etc - what about the poor people lumbered with a drunk person. They aren’t responsible for the drunk person but a partner surely is!

I can understand a partner being annoyed about it but you can’t just leave a drunk person with a colleague who’s been kind enough to help out. A colleague - not even a friend as such.

If I helped out a drunk friend/colleague by carting them back to mine I'd assume I'd be keeping them for the night, and I wouldn't consider that an imposition (or at least I would have knowingly lumbered myself with them). Absolutely no guarantee their partner could take them off my hands that night. If I'd had the call from the colleagues there would have been nothing I could do as 1) I can't drive, and 2) if DP was out drinking I'd either be out drinking myself, or asleep early with my phone on silent.

Jf20 · 19/12/2023 07:49

Barmecide · 19/12/2023 07:41

Even the next day?

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Exactly. Yes it was a cluster fuck. By 9 pm she was so drunk she couldn’t speak and was laying on their sofa. But making them do a 90 min round trip to take her home the next day is not on at all. She should have got a taxi, apologised for inconveniencing them, thanked them. And then sent them a bloody huge gift.

catscalledbeanz · 19/12/2023 07:57

Oh op so sorry you feel small. Everyone makes mistakes.

Without question imo your husband should have picked you up. In the first instance or at the very least in the morning. I'd have picked my husband up and he me. Those people who say they'd leave their partners there , frankly I pity. It's firstly not okay to leave other adults to look after your partner (yes she should have looked after herself but that ship sailed), and secondly he should have been worried/ care enough to want to be there for you. I love my partner and wouldn't leave them if it was possible for me to help.

TooTender · 19/12/2023 08:03

NaughtybutNice77 · 18/12/2023 19:19

Husband didn't make a mistake, but neither did she. He had no reason to think she was in danger. Just because they're married she's not his responsibility. Now if she was at A&E with a broken leg that's different. This was neither an accident or an emergency.

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She wasn’t the responsibility of her colleagues either. Regardless of whether he had any legal obligation he was, imo, a total dick not to get his WIFE out of the situation. She wasn’t in danger (thanks to the colleagues who did look after her) but she clearly needed assistance.

Why even be married if you aren’t willing to make an effort for your spouse, or show them love, care and affection even if they have fucked up? I’m not saying he had to be thrilled about it but surely the point of being married is having someone on your side even if you’ve been a tit?

Aprilx · 19/12/2023 08:09

I think you were better off where you were.

TooTender · 19/12/2023 08:13

I have actually been in the colleague’s position in this scenario, where a junior colleague of mine got very drunk on a staff night out and missed her last train home. I took her home to my house and she called her then boyfriend (very drunkenly and incoherently) in the taxi home and asked him to come and get her. I spoke to him and said I was happy for her to stay and he didn’t need to come and pick her up. An hour later he arrived, having driven from a city 40 miles away. He wasn’t thrilled but he said he wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving her.

They’re married now and I’ve always strongly approved of him since that day because it was such a good sign that even when she had been a bit of an idiot (which was rare because she was a lovely person) he was still going to show up for her.

I suppose it’s not technically one of your marriage vows that you’ll always show up for your spouse even when they’ve made a tit of themselves, but I do wonder why even be married if you don’t love and cherish someone enough to do that for them.

maddiemookins16mum · 19/12/2023 08:37

DH would have come for me (albeit he would have been a bit peeved with me).