Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

But embarrassing for me, but was DH wrong too?

452 replies

Suze889 · 18/12/2023 17:57

Work night out recently. I got completely hammered on red wine; I must say now and I do mean this, this is really unlike me but it happened so have to to tell the truth. Work colleagues were also drunk but luckily female colleague’s husband was on hand to take us back to hers. I love about 45 minutes away and was supposed to be getting the train home but was not capable of this. I know the shame. This is where it gets weird. Colleague and her husband called my husband from my phone. I was incapable of speaking to him and was lying on sofa. My husband was completely unperturbed by the whole thing, refused to come and pick me up, (it was only nine o’clock) and pretty much left me at my colleagues so I had to stay the night and THEY had to drive me home the next day. So embarrassing. My colleagues were also a bit drunk And outraged at my husband’s behaviour and when he refused to come and pick me up. They called back to discover he had turned his phone off! Now I was completely oblivious to all this happening but now I just feel so little and small. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have collected him, I have done similar before. My colleagues all think he’s a dick but are being polite and I am mortified on all fronts.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 18/12/2023 22:39

Psyberbaby · 18/12/2023 22:27

I don't really understand the point of a marriage if not to have someone who has your back come what may. Other than that what's the point? To split bills with?
Disclaimer: not married

Being married doesn’t entitle someone to the unconditional support of their spouse regardless of how they behave. People are still allowed boundaries within marriages of what they will and won’t tolerate, and OP was entirely responsible for getting herself in this situation. She was safe and didn’t need to be collected. It isn’t her husband’s duty to try and temper the embarrassment she might suffer, that’s entirely on her! As for this “responsible for” each other malarkey, no, you’re still two autonomous adults. Just because you’ve chosen to legally commit to each other doesn’t mean never being called out on your bullshit.

ComputerMice · 18/12/2023 22:40

What’s wrong with people. Of course he should have picked her up. If for no other reason than to relieve the poor colleagues of responsibility. What a shit. I don’t drink but this would be a dealbreaker for me.

Jf20 · 18/12/2023 22:41

so I had to stay the night and THEY had to drive me home the next day.

why did anyone have to drive you home? Why couldn’t you get a taxi? It’s bad enough putting them out, they were very kind , but I don’t understand why they had to drive you home and why you didn’t refuse and book a taxi?

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 22:43

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:37

@TedMullins wtf?
I called a colleague rather than you at 1am when in need is not the brag you think it is. I would be hurt if my partner told me that. Genuinely hurt.

if a colleague - who you are presumably friendly enough with to be on a night out with - offered you an immediate solution I honestly can’t fathom why you didn’t go home with her and let your partner know what was happening. It’s clearly the most practical and easy course of action. If my partner (or anyone) phoned me at 1am they wouldn’t get an answer as my phone’s always on non-vibrating silent so if the situation was reversed I’d absolutely expect him to stay with the colleague because I’d be uncontactable ¯\(ツ)/¯

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:44

He told her work colleagues No I ain't coming she's your problem.
A shit friend does that.
Not your husband.

Why do you all have such low expectations?

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 22:45

Sorry I have to reply again because I can’t wrap my head around the fact you’d be hurt that your partner was considerate enough not to wake you up at 1am and instead take the sensible course of action? Okie dokie!

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:49

Jf20 · 18/12/2023 22:41

so I had to stay the night and THEY had to drive me home the next day.

why did anyone have to drive you home? Why couldn’t you get a taxi? It’s bad enough putting them out, they were very kind , but I don’t understand why they had to drive you home and why you didn’t refuse and book a taxi?

Cause he was too busy not being on her side to collect her is why. Cause he stated over the phone he was advertising that she has a shit husband who doesn't give a shit about her and is happy to tell her work colleagues that.

That's WHY she is so embarrassed, why are you all pretending to miss that?.

OP You must be feeling so shit and I'm so sorry, he has basically told your work colleagues you're in a shit marriage. I'd be dying inside too. I wouldn't do that to someone I was married to or even liked a little bit.

MsRosley · 18/12/2023 22:50

OP, this is really bad behaviour from your DH. Really bad. Aside from how he treats you - and you seem to be admitting he's not exactly nice much of the time - he forced two other people (your colleagues) into a difficult situation. My DH, with all his faults, would never impose on anyone like that.

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:54

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 22:45

Sorry I have to reply again because I can’t wrap my head around the fact you’d be hurt that your partner was considerate enough not to wake you up at 1am and instead take the sensible course of action? Okie dokie!

Some of us want our partners to not be feeling like shit at work.
I also wait for my partner to come home. Not all of us do but some of us do. We worry, We expect others to give a shit too. We are often disappointed. But we deal.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 18/12/2023 22:57

No way would I collect anyone who was likely to throw up anywhere near me, whoever they were.

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 22:58

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:44

He told her work colleagues No I ain't coming she's your problem.
A shit friend does that.
Not your husband.

Why do you all have such low expectations?

It’s not low expectations if it’s not something I’d be willing to do for a partner either

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:59

@TedMullins He embarrassed her in front of her work colleagues while sober, he chose to. If I was one of those colleagues I would assume she was in a really shit marriage. That's at best, embarrassing for OP and is likely causing serious worry about her life.
She embarrassed herself while drunk. At Christmas. The two are not the same.

XiCi · 18/12/2023 23:01

I dont believe some of these replies!

In the real world I don't know anyone that would leave their partner in such a predicament and turn their phone off

In the real world I don't know anyone that wouldn't think OPs husband was a total and utter cunt for doing so

I'm sorry OP that you have a husband that cares so little for you and am glad you had decent colleagues and didn't come to any harm

Barmecide · 18/12/2023 23:04

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 22:58

It’s not low expectations if it’s not something I’d be willing to do for a partner either

Show quote history

Nor I, in the circumstances described.

theconfidenceofwho · 18/12/2023 23:07

CrapGoat · 18/12/2023 19:43

I think he should have picked you up. We all fuck up sometimes, and it doesn't sound as if you did anything so bad, just got too drunk. Not many people have never done that-you don't seem like you were nasty or abusive or snogged anybody or broke anything.

I'd drive anywhere to pick my partner up in that circumstance unless for some reason I truly couldn't.

This!

You absolutely deserve to be looked after Op & shame on your DH for not picking you up.

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2023 23:08

BornIn78 · 18/12/2023 18:08

I wouldn’t be rushing out to pick up my partner who had got themselves so shitfaced they were on a colleagues sofa incapable of even speaking.

Honestly, I wouldn’t want my DH home in that state if I knew he was somewhere safe, which you were. It wasn’t like you were walking the streets alone.

If you were capable of a car journey why not get a taxi?

So you'd leave them with colleagues?

I'd be furious but I wouldn't leave him

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 23:10

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:59

@TedMullins He embarrassed her in front of her work colleagues while sober, he chose to. If I was one of those colleagues I would assume she was in a really shit marriage. That's at best, embarrassing for OP and is likely causing serious worry about her life.
She embarrassed herself while drunk. At Christmas. The two are not the same.

well that’s where we differ, I wouldn’t have thought that if I was the colleague, in fact if I’d been lumbered with a drunken colleague for the night I’d probably just bung them on the sofa for the night with a blanket and a bucket and go to bed myself. I don’t think their husband would even enter my head as being part of the equation unless I knew the husband as a friend as well, in which case I’d probably text him and say “Susan’s hammered and sleeping it off at mine in case you wonder why she isn’t home”

MasterBeth · 18/12/2023 23:12

Seaside3 · 18/12/2023 22:28

@MasterBeth she got so wankered that she couldn't speak. She needs to own that it is her behaviour here, not the husbands
Expecting him to drive 90 mins minimum round trip to collect her is unfair. As others have pointed out, if the roles were reversed, most people would say she should leave him to sleep it off and he should be apologising.
Your partner should have your back, but you should also respect your partner by not getting that drunk and expecting him to get you.

Yeah, we all know what happened. And whether it’s a wife picking up her husband or a husband picking up a wife or two husbands or two wives, I would say the same thing. It’s what you do for someone you love (unless there’s some huge back story of mistrust and disrespect.)

Also, love you getting all hyperbolic with “90 mins minimum” when it’s 45 minutes each way, so maybe it’s 90 minutes maximum.

Ravenclaw101 · 18/12/2023 23:16

there was a thread recently where people advocates leaving drunk husband asleep in the shed in sub-zero temperatures.

just for context.

i’d pick up my husband but as an emetophobe I’d be fucking raging.

Ravenclaw101 · 18/12/2023 23:17

I’ll be honest though this is one of those threads where I wouldn’t mind hearing the other side of the story.

U2HasTheEdge · 18/12/2023 23:22

He's an arsehole.

My husband would pick me up, and I him. If I can't rely on my husband to have my back when I fuck up, then I would rather not be married. He would also have picked me up as he would not have wanted my colleagues to have to look after me when they made it clear they wanted me to go home.

I'm sorry, OP. I would be so hurt in this situation. It shows such a lack of care.

Barmecide · 18/12/2023 23:23

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 23:10

well that’s where we differ, I wouldn’t have thought that if I was the colleague, in fact if I’d been lumbered with a drunken colleague for the night I’d probably just bung them on the sofa for the night with a blanket and a bucket and go to bed myself. I don’t think their husband would even enter my head as being part of the equation unless I knew the husband as a friend as well, in which case I’d probably text him and say “Susan’s hammered and sleeping it off at mine in case you wonder why she isn’t home”

Show quote history

Yes. It’s the OP’s responsibility to deal with her colleagues and any fallout from her own behaviour, if they were seriously inconvenienced (though I’d have done the same, just put her on the sofa with a glass of water, a rug and a bucket, and gone to bed).

I can’t say that in the OP’s husband’s shoes, I’d be giving the slightest thought of what my wife’s colleagues might imagine my marriage to be like.

Is the OP so sure they’re annoyed at her husband, or is it more convenient for her to imagine they’re annoyed with him, rather than her? I mean, it was decent of them to take her home if she was incapable of getting a train, but I’d have assumed in their shoes that if I were taking a very, very drunk friend/colleague home to mine after a night out, I’d probably have them overnight. I mean, we’ve probably all done it at some point.

YeahIsaidit · 18/12/2023 23:26

lilmishap · 18/12/2023 22:49

Cause he was too busy not being on her side to collect her is why. Cause he stated over the phone he was advertising that she has a shit husband who doesn't give a shit about her and is happy to tell her work colleagues that.

That's WHY she is so embarrassed, why are you all pretending to miss that?.

OP You must be feeling so shit and I'm so sorry, he has basically told your work colleagues you're in a shit marriage. I'd be dying inside too. I wouldn't do that to someone I was married to or even liked a little bit.

Edited
Show quote history

None of that explains why OP couldn't have gotten herself a train or taxi the next morning, DH has nothing to do with it

U2HasTheEdge · 18/12/2023 23:30

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 22:39

Being married doesn’t entitle someone to the unconditional support of their spouse regardless of how they behave. People are still allowed boundaries within marriages of what they will and won’t tolerate, and OP was entirely responsible for getting herself in this situation. She was safe and didn’t need to be collected. It isn’t her husband’s duty to try and temper the embarrassment she might suffer, that’s entirely on her! As for this “responsible for” each other malarkey, no, you’re still two autonomous adults. Just because you’ve chosen to legally commit to each other doesn’t mean never being called out on your bullshit.

Show quote history

It's not about responsibility really, is it?, it's about caring for someone you are married to.

Who wants to be married to someone who bangs on about how it's not their responsibility to help you when they fuck up?

My friend isn't my responsibility, but if she was in a similar situation I would go get her, because I genuinely care.

TedMullins · 18/12/2023 23:32

Barmecide · 18/12/2023 23:23

Yes. It’s the OP’s responsibility to deal with her colleagues and any fallout from her own behaviour, if they were seriously inconvenienced (though I’d have done the same, just put her on the sofa with a glass of water, a rug and a bucket, and gone to bed).

I can’t say that in the OP’s husband’s shoes, I’d be giving the slightest thought of what my wife’s colleagues might imagine my marriage to be like.

Is the OP so sure they’re annoyed at her husband, or is it more convenient for her to imagine they’re annoyed with him, rather than her? I mean, it was decent of them to take her home if she was incapable of getting a train, but I’d have assumed in their shoes that if I were taking a very, very drunk friend/colleague home to mine after a night out, I’d probably have them overnight. I mean, we’ve probably all done it at some point.

Show quote history

Yes, agree with all this. Even if I’d been in the colleague’s position and phoned the husband to come and get her, if he said no I’d be thinking “I don’t blame him”, not what a shit husband he is. I don’t know why so many people think it’s his duty to save her embarrassment from her own actions. It isn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever made a decision or done anything in my entire life with the thought process “what will this make people think of my relationship”