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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to in laws

78 replies

Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:00

Before DH and I had DS we went to our own families for Christmas. Since we had DS we have spent Christmas morning at home and then went to my DM for Christmas dinner and spent a few hours there. DH is happy to spend Christmas Day at my DM’s. The issue is Boxing Day. The first year DH went to see his family alone as I had just had a CS and DS was newborn.

Last year, in laws were poorly and advised against anyone coming to them so we spent Boxing Day with my mum. I only found out Christmas night that it had been arranged that we would spend Boxing Day with them which annoyed me but it worked out ok as we couldn’t go anyway.

This year they want the 3 of us to go to them for Boxing Day but in doing this my DM will spend Boxing Day entirely alone. I have suggested DH goes to see his family alone and I will spend Boxing Day with my DM and for his parents to come stay with us for a night or two between Christmas and new year so they can spend time with us and DGS - this went down like a lead balloon.

I don’t think I am being unreasonable to not want to leave my mum alone.

It’s not like we can just pop round to DH’s family as they live 2.5 hours away. PIL also have both their daughters, partners and their kids for Christmas, Boxing and NYD. SIL both refuse to go to their PIL’s for any of these days but yet it’s expected that I should visit them despite the fact it leaves my only parent alone.

If the shoe was on the other foot I would never expect DH to leave one of his parents alone over the holidays while he came with me to play happy families.

OP posts:
L1ttledrummergirl · 17/12/2023 15:02

Send dh with dc. You get to spend boxing day with your mum in peace, they get to see their dgc for some of Christmas.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 17/12/2023 15:04

Maybe your mum is quite happy to spend Boxing Day alone?

Original poster
Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:04

DM is not happy to spend Boxing Day alone. She spends enough of the rest of the year alone.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 17/12/2023 15:05

Why should your mum get all of Christmas and his none though? If you don’t go fair enough but don’t stop them seeing their grandchild.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 17/12/2023 15:05

Is there a reason why DM would struggle alone on Boxing Day? I do think you sound pretty selfish like you want it all your own way.

If you really cannot leave DM, DH can take the DC to his parents.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 17/12/2023 15:06

Not fair for your mum to get both days.thats normay how families split it:
Year 1: 1 family on xmas,other on boxing day
Year 2: swap it round

Original poster
Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:08

I knew this was coming. PIL visit us once/twice per year. We bring DGC to them regular as otherwise they’d never see him. I just don’t understand MN, one minute everyone harps on about no one should be alone at Christmas but when in laws are mentioned the wife is always being unreasonable.

May I ask how many people who are voting to say I’m unreasonable would go off to spend Boxing Day with in laws and have a large family gathering while they left their own parent alone?

OP posts:
fitforflight · 17/12/2023 15:09

If I was your MIL I'd totally understand not wanting to leave your mum on her own, she'd be more than welcome alongside you and your DH. Would your in laws invite your mum?
Alternatively could you host boxing day and have everyone over?

I understand not wanting to leave your mum alone but it's also unfair to never commit to spending either of those days with your in laws if your husband would like to at some point.

NorthernAttitude · 17/12/2023 15:09

Another one that thinks if you spend Christmas Day with your mum it's reasonable to go to his PIL on Boxing Day. Your PIL will presumably want to celebrate Christmas with your son and you all.

LordEmsworth · 17/12/2023 15:10

The bastards. Wanting to see their son and his family over the Christmas period. How can they possibly think that's reasonable?

NorthernAttitude · 17/12/2023 15:11

Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:08

I knew this was coming. PIL visit us once/twice per year. We bring DGC to them regular as otherwise they’d never see him. I just don’t understand MN, one minute everyone harps on about no one should be alone at Christmas but when in laws are mentioned the wife is always being unreasonable.

May I ask how many people who are voting to say I’m unreasonable would go off to spend Boxing Day with in laws and have a large family gathering while they left their own parent alone?

Me! I would. Because my husband's family is my family and he'd have prioritised my family on Christmas Day.

Ducksinthebath · 17/12/2023 15:11

Can your mum come alone to DH’s family and you can celebrate all together?

Seems a bit unfair that DH’s family never get a joint visit. If you’re mum’s alone a lot the rest of the year then maybe that’s the issue to address so Christmas can be shared around more fairly.

Olika · 17/12/2023 15:12

If you don't want to leave your mum alone on Boxing Day then you can stay with her and the rest go to your in-laws.

rorret · 17/12/2023 15:13

I do alternate Christmas and Boxing Day with my ex husband. I spent many many of the days on my own when my kids were young.

The other alternative is that your DH takes DC to his parents, and you stay with your mother?

thaisweetchill · 17/12/2023 15:14

Can you take your mom with you to the in laws?

I understand where you come from, my FIL lives closest to us (10 minutes) but we see him once a year at best, we've given up putting effort in now.

I wouldn't feel guilty if SIL isn't going either.

UsingChangeofName · 17/12/2023 15:15

Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:08

I knew this was coming. PIL visit us once/twice per year. We bring DGC to them regular as otherwise they’d never see him. I just don’t understand MN, one minute everyone harps on about no one should be alone at Christmas but when in laws are mentioned the wife is always being unreasonable.

May I ask how many people who are voting to say I’m unreasonable would go off to spend Boxing Day with in laws and have a large family gathering while they left their own parent alone?

But your mother won't be alone at Christmas.
You are spending Christmas day with her, just like you have done every other Christmas day.

YABVVVVU
It is absolutely normal, in normal families to either alternate the whole period (if you have to travel far enough to stay over) or - where you don't need to stay - to go one day to one side of the family and one day to the other side of the family. That is all of you, as a couple and with dc.

It isn't your responsibility to sort your mother's social life. Particularly when it means depriving your child's other Grandparents of ever spending Christmas with their Grandchild.

I'm likely to be a similar age to your mother, and I would 100% expect you to spend alternate Christmas days with your in-laws, and then (hopefully) alternate Boxing days.

shampooing · 17/12/2023 15:15

We have refused to get into any kind of Christmas rota, and absolutely will not do ‘turns’ at people’s houses, we also do not mix in-laws (it would be hideous).

But we do reach some compromises, and whilst I would strongly suggest you don’t get into any alternating pattern that is hard to get out of, you could for example invite in-laws to you for Boxing Day. If they decline it’s on them but you might consider going one year. Not every year, not every other year. This year we are doing Christmas Day at home and have not invited anyone (though currently any grandparents can drop in if they want, I know my mum won’t, MiL might, my dad is a sure bet.

With your in-laws being a distance away there will inevitably be some travel involved if your DH wants to see them. It’s a huge issue that you only found out on Christmas about Boxing Day plans, all needs to be agreed further in advance.

NorthernAttitude · 17/12/2023 15:15

Are you an only child OP?

Original poster
Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:18

My issue is also that it’s ok for DH’s sisters to not visit their in laws over the holidays with their kids. So PILs have them for the duration but my mum is ok to be left alone? Not sure how there’s any fairness in that?

this also isn’t about DS at all as I don’t believe they’re all that fussed on whether they see him or not. They forgot about his birthday until DH reminded them.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 17/12/2023 15:20

So what’s happening NY day… or is this going to be spent with your mum too?

You have his family to think of, they will want to spend time with you their son and grandkids over Christmas. Even better that other family are there. Pretty normal. You just don’t want to go and I think you were hoping everyone on MN would agree with you.

If I were your mum I’d be encouraging you to go and enjoy your self (as long as I had food and alcohol and nibbles) . just because she is on her own doesn’t trump your dh wanting to spend time as a family with his family.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 17/12/2023 15:20

Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:08

I knew this was coming. PIL visit us once/twice per year. We bring DGC to them regular as otherwise they’d never see him. I just don’t understand MN, one minute everyone harps on about no one should be alone at Christmas but when in laws are mentioned the wife is always being unreasonable.

May I ask how many people who are voting to say I’m unreasonable would go off to spend Boxing Day with in laws and have a large family gathering while they left their own parent alone?

I would and i do. We spend every xmas day with my family, and boxing day is with my in laws as that suits the whole family.

If you don't want to go then dont go on boxing day but your husband should be taking your child to the in laws

SharedAccountWithMySister · 17/12/2023 15:20

Why doesn’t DM see friends on Boxing Day instead?

Cherrycola29k · 17/12/2023 15:22

YABU to your partner and his family. You spend Christmas Day with your mum, they already get 2nd best (Boxing Day) and you want to refuse them that too.
I spent last Boxing Day alone because my children were with their dad, no biggie.

HaPPy8 · 17/12/2023 15:22

Have you asked if your mum can go too? I wouldn’t want to leave my mum Alone either but it’s only right your dh see his family too

bartbert235 · 17/12/2023 15:22

Yes you need to leave your mum alone. Pil are also your family. Don't be that person who only wants yo see your side of the family. It does not end well