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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to in laws

78 replies

Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:00

Before DH and I had DS we went to our own families for Christmas. Since we had DS we have spent Christmas morning at home and then went to my DM for Christmas dinner and spent a few hours there. DH is happy to spend Christmas Day at my DM’s. The issue is Boxing Day. The first year DH went to see his family alone as I had just had a CS and DS was newborn.

Last year, in laws were poorly and advised against anyone coming to them so we spent Boxing Day with my mum. I only found out Christmas night that it had been arranged that we would spend Boxing Day with them which annoyed me but it worked out ok as we couldn’t go anyway.

This year they want the 3 of us to go to them for Boxing Day but in doing this my DM will spend Boxing Day entirely alone. I have suggested DH goes to see his family alone and I will spend Boxing Day with my DM and for his parents to come stay with us for a night or two between Christmas and new year so they can spend time with us and DGS - this went down like a lead balloon.

I don’t think I am being unreasonable to not want to leave my mum alone.

It’s not like we can just pop round to DH’s family as they live 2.5 hours away. PIL also have both their daughters, partners and their kids for Christmas, Boxing and NYD. SIL both refuse to go to their PIL’s for any of these days but yet it’s expected that I should visit them despite the fact it leaves my only parent alone.

If the shoe was on the other foot I would never expect DH to leave one of his parents alone over the holidays while he came with me to play happy families.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/12/2023 15:23

Fair or morally or turn taking or anything else. It's not fair to have it all yours and your mother's way every year. Your bloke wants a turn of spending Christmas with his wife, child and family. He's allowed that.

Send your husband with the bairn and stay behind if it's really bothering you. I'm assuming you're an only child as there doesn't seem to be any siblings to spend the day with her

Or take her with you.

silvertoil · 17/12/2023 15:24

Could your mum join the in-laws? Not so unusual when one parent is on their own.
But otherwise YANBU- I wouldn't like to leave my parent alone when the in laws have loads of family.

bartbert235 · 17/12/2023 15:25

I can see you aren't going to bend on this. Why even ask. I feel sorry for your dh. Hopefully your son does not treat you like this when he is an adult

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/12/2023 15:25

It doesn't matter what your sister in laws do for their in laws. Absolutely nothing to do with you. Its about what's fair for your family - your husband and kids. And you seem to want to do it your way, when of course he wants to see his family, even if they don't make enough of an effort in your eyes.

You say people shouldn't be alone over xmas...I always took this to mean Xmas day not boxing day (if you've already spent Xmas day together).

So go with him and see your mum another time (given she is on her own a lot) let him take the kids there and see your mum on your own, or ask if it's OK to invite your mum. But it's not fair to moan about him wanting to see his family

Sirzy · 17/12/2023 15:25

How your SIL arranges her Christmas is between her and her husband.

your husband understably wants a fair ish split. He would be right to argue for alternating Christmas Day so him having Boxing Day is more than fair

IsItOverYetAndCanIComeOutNow · 17/12/2023 15:26

You’re spending Christmas with your mum. Actual Christmas Day! Bloody hell, Boxing Day is a nice added extra and your mum will cope.

Go to the In Laws.

spriots · 17/12/2023 15:27

Yabu

It's not all about you and your mum.

Would totally understand if it was about Christmas Day itself but your mum won't be alone on Christmas - your DH would probably rather be with his family on Christmas day but has compromised on that, you need to show some compromise too.

And what your SILs do is none of your business.

Lollypop701 · 17/12/2023 15:27

Your SIL have their own arrangement… agreed with their partners and doesn’t correlate to your situation though? . Your DH wants to go, so it should be considered. I get your guilt op, is there no chance your mum could go with you? Even if you book a Airbnb? your dh is asking for something standard on seeing both sets of family

sugarplum33 · 17/12/2023 15:27

If your mum is getting the main day with you I think it's only fair that you spend Boxing Day with the in-laws. If she's having Christmas dinner with her family every year I'd hardly say she's being left alone at Christmas.

Namenamchange · 17/12/2023 15:28

Your teaching your ds that only one side of the family is important.

teach him he has two side who are equally important and when he’s older he might visit you.

Jagoda · 17/12/2023 15:29

Nobody has said your mother has to spend Boxing Day on her own (although unless there's a massive drip feed coming, I can't see why not)

The question is about your ILS seeing their DS and DGC. They can just go without you surely if you don't want to go?

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 17/12/2023 15:30

Bananana1 · 17/12/2023 15:08

I knew this was coming. PIL visit us once/twice per year. We bring DGC to them regular as otherwise they’d never see him. I just don’t understand MN, one minute everyone harps on about no one should be alone at Christmas but when in laws are mentioned the wife is always being unreasonable.

May I ask how many people who are voting to say I’m unreasonable would go off to spend Boxing Day with in laws and have a large family gathering while they left their own parent alone?

Why did you bother asking if you were unreasonable if you were unprepared for people to say yes?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/12/2023 15:30

The first thing that seems incredibly unfair is that your pil never get to see their ds and dgc on Christmas Day. Not fair on them at all. Your dm gets you all every Christmas.

Flappingseal · 17/12/2023 15:30

I can't see the problem. OP has said she's happy for her husband to go to his family. They don't seem all that bothered about seeing their grandson. How would you feel about DH taking DS @Bananana1 , if you're going to your mum's?

We do all sorts of things separately in our family and it doesn't lead to ruin, as some posters suggest.

ShanghaiDiva · 17/12/2023 15:32

I think it’s rather churlish not to spend the day with your in-laws. As others have asked can your mum go too?

WellThatWasUnfortunate · 17/12/2023 15:32

what DHs siblings do over Xmas is irrelevant. DH and DS should be allowed to see their family on Boxing Day if they spend Xmas day with your DM.
Your DM being alone on Boxing Day is not your PILs problem, they are still entitled to see their son and GS over Xmas.
if you don’t want to go then just own it and allow your DH and DC to go and stop being so bloody selfish.

bellsandwhistles333 · 17/12/2023 15:34

I think it's reasonable to he with your mum both days, but can you not spilt the Boxing Day? So go to your mum maybe late morning and spend a bit of time while your kid and husband see his family. Then you nip over to them for the last couple of hours to be part of his side?
Surely your mum understands you will be seeing other family at some point?
Would your mum be welcome at your in laws for a while on Boxing Day?

Whyohwhywyoming · 17/12/2023 15:34

No I wouldn’t leave my mum alone on Boxing Day, I’d send DH to his mums with the DC

Flappingseal · 17/12/2023 15:34

I think Christmas arrangements are always going to be inherently 'unfair'. You cannot please everyone. Personally I prefer not to put pressure on the younger members of my family, as it is very stressful even without that, as the many many MN threads show.

jhy · 17/12/2023 15:35

I'm just so glad I don't have this nonsense to deal with. Wow.

Hatty65 · 17/12/2023 15:35

I spent many a Boxing Day entirely alone as exDH had the Dc that day. I was glad to have them for Christmas Day, and I was an adult, who managed to cope with a day on my own. Your DM will be fine, she's had Christmas with you, she doesn't need the next day as well.

YABU, but you are arguing with everyone who tells you this, so crack on. I agree with the others saying what if in years to come your DS/DIL won't come to you for Christmas - and insist on going to her mum's for Boxing Day as well?

Sceptre86 · 17/12/2023 15:36

You sound like you just don't want to spend any time with them. Your mum already gets priority on xmas day so inlaws should at least get boxing day and it sounds like for the last 2 years they haven't had that time. It also sounds like they'd like the whole family together including you. I also don't see why you are bringing your sil's into it.Presumably they have their own relationships with their inlaws and that's up to them, their partners can pipe up if they aren't happy with the set up.

Your dh has expressed that he wants to go with all his family, you included. I would meet him halfway and send the children at the very least with their dad but tbh I would most likely go too.

Allwelcone · 17/12/2023 15:40

IsItOverYetAndCanIComeOutNow · 17/12/2023 15:26

You’re spending Christmas with your mum. Actual Christmas Day! Bloody hell, Boxing Day is a nice added extra and your mum will cope.

Go to the In Laws.

This! Sounds like you need to review your values towards your wider family OP.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/12/2023 15:40

You’re seeing your mum on Christmas Day so it’s reasonable to see the in-laws on Boxing Day. I don’t see a big deal in your DM being alone on Boxing Day if you have just spent Christmas Day with her, it’s not like she’ll be spending the whole festive period alone.

Cheepcheepcheep · 17/12/2023 15:41

My MIL is on her own. We alternate Xmas Day and Boxing Day (also 2.5h drive between the two). If we’re with her for Xmas Day she goes to friends for Boxing Day and vice versa. So YABU imo. There’s no one size fits all solution to Christmases and compromise is needed - but it sounds like the current set up is all on your terms.

Also what your SILs do is nothing to do with it.