To not go to in laws

[Bananana1]

Before DH and I had DS we went to our own families for Christmas. Since we had DS we have spent Christmas morning at home and then went to my DM for Christmas dinner and spent a few hours there. DH is happy to spend Christmas Day at my DM’s. The issue is Boxing Day. The first year DH went to see his family alone as I had just had a CS and DS was newborn.

Last year, in laws were poorly and advised against anyone coming to them so we spent Boxing Day with my mum. I only found out Christmas night that it had been arranged that we would spend Boxing Day with them which annoyed me but it worked out ok as we couldn’t go anyway.

This year they want the 3 of us to go to them for Boxing Day but in doing this my DM will spend Boxing Day entirely alone. I have suggested DH goes to see his family alone and I will spend Boxing Day with my DM and for his parents to come stay with us for a night or two between Christmas and new year so they can spend time with us and DGS - this went down like a lead balloon.

I don’t think I am being unreasonable to not want to leave my mum alone.

It’s not like we can just pop round to DH’s family as they live 2.5 hours away. PIL also have both their daughters, partners and their kids for Christmas, Boxing and NYD. SIL both refuse to go to their PIL’s for any of these days but yet it’s expected that I should visit them despite the fact it leaves my only parent alone.

If the shoe was on the other foot I would never expect DH to leave one of his parents alone over the holidays while he came with me to play happy families.

This isn’t fair on your ILs.

I think bringing your mum to theirs on Boxing Day is the nicest option.

It’s entirely reasonable that DH should get to spend time with his family on Boxing Day if you’re having Christmas Day with your mum every year.

Why not invite your mum to yours a couple of days before, so she gets to spend the whole of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with you ?

Me too.

It is fair to split the days. Your reasoning in one post was to say your mum spends enough other days of the year alone. Visit her on those days then and spend family time with your mum Christnas day and ILS Boxing Day. To be fair your ILS have been very relaxed that they haven't said surely its our turn for Christmas at least one year.

Tbh it does sound a bit like you don't actually like your in laws from the tone of your messages.

I think YABU.

@Bananana1 to be honest, christmas is over by boxing day!! that is the day I put my feet up and dont want any visitors. hubby makes the tea for us both. your mum will be fine if you want to go to in laws but if you dont want to go then dont! let in laws make the effort to come to you.

Actually on second thoughts part of me suspects this is a reverse.

Op, I do understand why you're not keen to leave your mum on her own (althoough for most people Christmas day is the really tough one) equally I do think it's unreasonable for you to refuse to see pil every year for both days. Most people expect there to be a bit of give and take with holiday visiting especially where family aren't close by. We see my family one day and dhs the next day because mine aren't local and alternate yearly. Where that's not been possible we've hosted and offered to both to visit. Could you and dh not host on boxing day and invite your mum and pil round to yours? Could ask everyone to bring a dish and do it like a potluck/leftover buffet so it's not as much work? That way noone is left alone and both sets get to see their children and grandchildren?

Do you like your inlaws? It doesn't really come across that you do and I'd be wary of that. Is your mum mobile and able to get out and about?

This sort of faff is exactly why I have made it clear to both of my kids that we can 'do Christmas' at any point over the festive period, that I will happily host, visit, or enjoy the peace and quiet with a gin and a selection box!

In ref to some of the posts 'sounds like you just don't like your in-laws' all the more reason not to go.

Same!

But if you love your husband it's only fair to make the effort (unless there is some terrible drip feed coming). A happy marriage and a happy family is about give and take.

But in a successful marriage, we all make compromises.

I am sure the OP's DH would rather go to his parents every year as he did before they had children. He is making compromises, so should she.

I know a couple for whom this was the beginning of the end - she flat out refused to see his parents every during the festive season and it made him realise that the compromises were all one way. Now she has every other Christmas without her kids. Not sure this has ended the way she wanted

I see give and take as letting my beloved go to his family, who I don't particularly like, and I'd see my my mum, who is widowed and lonely. I'm not sure it means suck it up, buttercup, necessarily 😊

@SharedAccountWithMySister

Why doesn’t DM see friends on Boxing Day instead?

Sorry, but that's a bit of a flippant remark. If you are alone due to divorce or being widowed (as I am) you can't just get your little black book out and choose which friends to go to. Friends become few and far between as you get older (especially if you aren't part of a couple) and you'd have to be pretty close to someone to be invited to their home on one of the most family orientated days of the year. That's why Christmas is one of the loneliest times of the year.

I have a successful marriage, and while we make compromises, I also think that if you love your wife, and she doesn't like your family ( and there may be good reason, or not - they may not like her much either) you don't insist that she visits them just because it's Christmas.

But I'm digressing really. I think OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place, trying to please her husband whilst worrying about her mum. I wouldn't call that selfish. She's not said he can't go to his family.

Will you get a hard time off your mum for going to your in-laws?

@Flappingseal every marriage is different and I am sure there are some successful ones where both halves go their separate ways for Christmas - but

a) I think splitting up for Christmas is really difficult and different when you have children - one person is then without their child

b) the OP doesn't sound particularly torn here, she doesn't come across as if she sees her DH 's point of view, that sort of attitude is what really harms marriages in my view

So my dads alone. Throughout the year I see him twice a week as he lives 20 min away. We see pils 1-2 a month and they are an hour away.

At Xmas dad comes to us Xmas day as does my sister (who is also alone) Boxing Day we go inlaws who have never once complained although I'm sure they would love to see us Xmas day. Dad either spends Boxing Day alone or him and sis go for a walk.

I'd go to in-laws and visit your mum when you get back or the next day.

Fair enough. We can agree to disagree. Also crossed my mind what @scaredofff said - the mum could be giving the OP a hard time.

Caveat: I'm not the greatest fan of Christmas and it's the expectation around it of playing happy families that is behind this. I think that's something that people only understand if they grew up in a dysfunctional one of their own.

There is also the 'empathy' that is so often thrown around on these forums which is so often to everyone but an OP who is so often (though not always) tying herself (because it's* *overwhelmingly women who worry so much that they look for support and validation on the Internet) in knots trying to please people.

It makes for interesting discussions though.

I can't blame the in laws for being upset. They have been gracious in not asking for a Christmas Day for a change and haven't been able to do Boxing Day either for the past couple years.

It's only fair I think, that Boxing Day goes to the in laws this year.

Whether that means you all go or just DH and child.

is bringing your mum with you not an option?

Or send your baby and DH for boxing day and you stay with your mum? My mum would love a day for us girls!

Agree with almost everyone else, you're being totally unreasonable. If you can't manage to EVER spend a boxing day at your PILs (they haven't even 'asked' for a Christmas day with their grandchild ever, which is to their credit), then DH and your DC should go without you. It's absolutely not fair on your PILs to never get to see their grandchild even on boxing day. Actually I think it's unreasonable they never ever get to see them on Christmas day, frankly, but I appreciate they're being the bigger people here in recognising that they don't want your DM to spend the day alone. Your posting puts them in a very good light and yourself. And your DM, if she really is insisting that the other set of grandparents should also not ever 'have' Boxing day just because for some reason she is unable to be alone or join anyone else on this one day of the year which isnt even Christmas day and when you say she manages to be alone lots of other dahs of the year. I agree with PP who said that if that's the case, you should spend more of the other days of the year with her anyway.

YABU for thinking your DH's family don't count over Christmas and your DM is also BU for not accepting that her SIL might want to take his young family to see his parents over Christmas. She's had ample time to make plans with friends – it's not like she doesn't know when Christmas is happening – and it's not fair if she's making it harder by saying she doesn't want to be alone.

You and your Mum need to remember that your son has family on both sides. She doesn’t trump them.

This is very true.