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Original poster

To see a lot of couples in this situation

693 replies

Whatyoutryingtodo · 17/12/2023 09:00

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

OP posts:
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Silverfoxlady · 17/12/2023 15:59

Wanderpeg · 17/12/2023 15:47

We chose a new surname when we got married. It wasn’t an anagram or mix of our original ones, we just chose one we both loved.

Show quote history

That is lovely! I really like that idea.

ectoone · 17/12/2023 16:05

Why are women so happy to give up their surname?

I had no attachment to it.

I get angry just thinking about it.

You don't have to do it. But you don't need to be angry for other people's choices.

It feels like wiping out my own family history, just because I would be getting married.

That's a bit weird though because the history of your family exists regardless of your name. I was happy to disassociate- I even changed my first name although not on marriage, I had already done that. Sadly my family history does still exist. I focused on building my own family unit though and while I did change my name to that of DH, it could have been any name really - it just didn't occur to me way back to think of a new one.

To be ‘owned and labelled’ by someone.

I mean if you want to call a surname a label I guess if you keep your original surname you are just labelled as your family a gen back rather than the one you created?

Justgorgeous · 17/12/2023 16:07

The last 3 couples i knew in this situation the guy was having an affair and just waiting to make his move.

Mummyofbananas · 17/12/2023 16:07

I've been engaged for years- we just can't afford a wedding. I own my house and there's not enough savings or anything for it to matter if we split. We would both like to get married it's just not viable at the moment.

Bowbobobo · 17/12/2023 16:09

I have more assets than my DP so I don’t want to marry him - as we both have adult DC it’s important to stick with what’s mine is mine (and my DC’s) and what’s his is his (and his DC’s). Therefore we haven’t got engaged. I don’t understand being engaged for years and years, if you want to marry then do it already! And if you don’t want to marry, don’t get engaged.

mathanxiety · 17/12/2023 16:11

Marriage involves giving a woman rights to money, assets, the family home.

grayhairdontcare · 17/12/2023 16:11

I've been with my DP for over 30 years.
I've never wanted to get married.
Honestly can't see the point and I've never been to a wedding that's not been dull!
We have everything legal and the children have never had a problem with it .
I've just never fancied wasting the money on an outdated ceremony

Silverfoxlady · 17/12/2023 16:11

ectoone · 17/12/2023 16:05

Why are women so happy to give up their surname?

I had no attachment to it.

I get angry just thinking about it.

You don't have to do it. But you don't need to be angry for other people's choices.

It feels like wiping out my own family history, just because I would be getting married.

That's a bit weird though because the history of your family exists regardless of your name. I was happy to disassociate- I even changed my first name although not on marriage, I had already done that. Sadly my family history does still exist. I focused on building my own family unit though and while I did change my name to that of DH, it could have been any name really - it just didn't occur to me way back to think of a new one.

To be ‘owned and labelled’ by someone.

I mean if you want to call a surname a label I guess if you keep your original surname you are just labelled as your family a gen back rather than the one you created?

You are right - was ranting, but it comes hand in hand with what my DP and his family were expecting when we got together and the frustration I felt. They were shocked when I gave my children both of our names, but came to accept it over time. It was a personal statement about how I felt.

Everyone has their own opinions and their own choices. I am just stamping my feet at my own personal frustrations. Don't mind me.

Rainyday4321 · 17/12/2023 16:11

baffles me. But then we were engaged and married within 5 months. Being engaged is not actually a thing- it might feel warm and fuzzy but it doesn’t mean anything in the cold light of day.

i don’t think marriage matters in any ethical way- but it is actually a contract with consequences, as a good friend of mine who is separating from her partner after 4 children is currently finding out (to her cost).

generally I think the reason people don’t get married, and have kids first, is that blokes are hedging their bets.🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsMurphyIWish · 17/12/2023 16:11

I’m a feminist and changed my surname as 1. my surname doesn’t define me 2. My inherited surname is way cooler than my birth surname (which is so common!) 3. I am not owned by my husband - if you knew me IRL you would laugh that me being a “Mrs” means I have submitted to the patriarchy 4. Using feminism as an excuse to not marrying is as far a fem thing you can do. Marriage is a CONTRACT that will PROTECT both parties.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/12/2023 16:12

Why are women so happy to give up their surname? I get angry just thinking about it. It feels like wiping out my own family history, just because I would be getting married. To be ‘owned and labelled’ by someone.

I'm not defined by my husband's surname any more than I was by my father's (to which I had no particular attachment, in spite of having no issues with my father!). My family history still exists and is just the same whatever I choose to call myself.

Admittedly, I'm a lot more of a feminist now than I was when I got married, and the idea of women being compelled to take their husband's name would make me angry too. But I can't bring myself to be fussed about the choice I made - I guess I just don't feel very strongly about surnames. My husband doesn't 'own' me and he wouldn't have remotely minded if I'd kept my name.

mathanxiety · 17/12/2023 16:12

threelittlescones · 17/12/2023 09:44

I've been engaged to my partner since February 2020. Tbh I thought we would absolutely be married by now. We've made very little progress with any planning.

We have 3 kids under 5. We're exhausted. We're on a tight budget. But if I'm being honest, it comes down to the fact I'm quite overweight and don't want to be fat on my wedding day. We plan to have a proper health kick after Christmas.

Why not have a quick registry wedding?

You can lose the weight and throw a party afterwards.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/12/2023 16:13

CatMadam · 17/12/2023 14:54

Wanting fairness isn’t ’expecting preferential treatment.’ People shouldn’t be forced into marriage/partnership just because the law
hasn’t caught up with the times.

Show quote history

What are you seeking a Sahm special protection,CP & marriage is available to all inc SAHM. There is No specific unfairness towards SAHM as a group. If a SAHM (stupidly) gives up work and is financially dependent, that is her unwise decision. No one should be forced into a marriage or a CP I wholeheartedly agree. However, if one chooses not to avail oneself of existing protection then you do so knowing it’s potentially risky. It’s ludicrous to suggest create a special category of protection for women who give up work and stay home because some feel potentially vulnerable. If one wants or needs financial autotomy you don’t give up work to stay home,dependent on a man

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/12/2023 16:13

Everyone has their own opinions and their own choices. I am just stamping my feet at my own personal frustrations. Don't mind me.

Fair enough!

LaurieStrode · 17/12/2023 16:14

Well stated, @Zone2NorthLondon !

TrashedSofa · 17/12/2023 16:16

The difficulty with the argument that people shouldn't be forced into marriage is that if you change the law to treat cohabitants like spouses legally and want it to have any teeth, that means other people's choices get taken away. You force people who want to live together but not have that legal contract to lose one of those things. It is possible to have an opt in model, but that's not going to achieve all the things people want it to achieve.

VolvoFan · 17/12/2023 16:20

It does seem silly to me. Weddings needn't be expensive either. And getting married is easy-peasy. It's the memory that counts, not the bells and whistles.

I did it the right way, in my opinion. I got married, got a house and then tried to start a family. That last thing... the making babies bit... hasn't gone to plan so far, but we're not giving up.

CatholicLass · 17/12/2023 16:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Ap24 · 17/12/2023 16:25

We got married for financial and legal reasons. Our wedding was small and cheap. We had always planned on having children and like the extra security in that respect.

But is it really worth it for everyone? I seriously doubt that. If you have no assets or savings them I'm not sure to the upside?

phoenixrosehere · 17/12/2023 16:26

Silverfoxlady · 17/12/2023 15:08

… I might also be a little bit of a feminist on this one too, I think.

Why are women so happy to give up their surname? I get angry just thinking about it. It feels like wiping out my own family history, just because I would be getting married. To be ‘owned and labelled’ by someone.

I decided to give my children both surnames, there is no way I carry them for 9 months and give them my partner’s name only. I hope there would be a little of me in there too.

I now plenty of women out there happy to take their husband’s name, but I think I am in the minority who feel resentful.

Why are women so happy to give up their surname?

It was either keep my maiden name, father’s surname, which caused teasing for much of my childhood and would have crude jokes made here as well or take my husband’s name which is benign. My mother kept her surname but has issues with it too where people assume she made a mistake and try to correct it.

I had actually considered keeping my surname despite this but my father really angered me to the point that I said yep, I’ll take my husband’s name. Even if DH and I divorce, I would keep his surname.

AgathaAllAlong · 17/12/2023 16:28

I'm in this position. When DP proposed I thought he meant it, but he's resisted any attempt to actually plan. I think if i did it all for him he would be happy, but i want to marry someone who actually is enthusiastic, not who will do it if no effort. It annoys me because I had no interest in marriage but was happy enough to do it. Now it just feels like he wants the pressure of people asking when he'll propose off him without following through but breaking it off and returning the ring would feel childish and dramatic.

Since the proposal my salary has increased and our relationship has taken a dive so I don't want to marry him.

TrashedSofa · 17/12/2023 16:28

It was either keep my maiden name, father’s surname, which caused teasing for much of my childhood and would have crude jokes made here as well or take my husband’s name which is benign.

Call yourself whatever you want, but this is a double standard. Either you swapped your own name for your husband's, or you swapped your dad's for your FILs.

scoobydoo1971 · 17/12/2023 16:35

I wouldn't get married as I don't believe in it. It can be easy to get a divorce, it can tie you to someone legally and financially, and is based around some religious ideas that I do not relate to. This is a personal choice, and I appreciate other people have different beliefs and marry for a variety of religious, cultural, family and financial reasons. There is no judgement from me for those who choose to marry, as they are free to make their own choice in life. I have had three marriage proposals off boyfriends in the past decade, and refused all. It was clear that marriage was important to them, and resulted in the end of our relationship. I believe marriage was the deal breaker because I am wealthy, and they were not. They were not deadbeats either, but we are not matched in terms of assets and that felt like a huge risk to take. I believe they were trying to secure their future through a marriage. This is not strictly in the gold digger/ cocklodger way of things as they were fond of me, but the last man pointed out that if we lived together in my house, then I could kick him out at any time and he would have no security for his retirement. My argument was that it was my money, and for my children. I didn't see a future with any of these men as I would always be wondering if they were hanging out for a wedding band, and the legal rights that go along with that. In terms of the last suitor, it wasn't my fault his ex-wife took him to the cleaners in the divorce settlement, or that his business was struggling post-covid. On the face of it, a wedding and marriage are nice, and perhaps reflect a statement to society about the union of two people. However, I have seen too many people come out of a bad marriage penniless, fighting over child custody or who gets the sofa, and bitter to ever risk it.

crispynight · 17/12/2023 16:37

I wouldn't have felt safe getting pregnant not being married. Things can and do go wrong with relationships. Women have a lot more to lose than men. The way society views women and mothers makes them less likely to be the main earner.

My husband is the main earner. We had twins and childcare was too expensive. Also, I wanted to be there for them as babies and toddlers, and part time until they started school. It felt natural to me.

Obviously my career suffered but it's not a competition. I now want to put my foot down career wise.

I just feel women have more power in a marriage. My opinion.

CatMadam · 17/12/2023 16:40

@TurnthePotatoes it’s not a civil partnership, that’s what I meant.