To see a lot of couples in this situation

[Whatyoutryingtodo]

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

It is generally 50:50 on divorce though?

Although I'm married I am very shy and didn't fancy being in the spot light or saying my vows in front of everyone so we went to the registry office with 2 friends for whitenesses and it was about £60 at the time.
Then we met our parents and went for a nice meal at a restaurant.
Not everyone's choice but it was what we wanted and our marriage is stronger than ever.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7334313/amp/I-never-felt-marriage-important-day-Paolo-died.html

The law has updated re bereavement support allowance (widows pension) in February 2023 to now make payments to cohabiting couples.

It’s exactly the people in the can’t afford the wedding that would be affected like this woman was eg needing his salary to mortgage but they wouldn’t pay it to her.

It’s also worth bearing in mind that people get ill or die abroad on holiday and whilst you might not have issues here unmarried dealing with hospitals etc it can be a different scenario abroad.

I think a lot of people (women, and men possibly), are under the misapprehension that there is such a thing as "common law marriage". In fact, whilst I believe earners in a partnership are responsible for a contribution towards their children's upkeep, there is no maintenance for the lower or non-earner. Since it is generally, though not always, women who have care of the children, this means that she is at a disadvantage financially, as compared to a married woman.

These sorts of practical issues should, I think, be covered at school - obviously not just this issue but all sorts of other issues that many people seem to be unaware of, for instance credit, compound interest, etc, etc.

I agree that it is somewhat odd that people seem to see marriage as less of a priority and binding commitment than having children.

"It is generally 50:50 on divorce though?"

The caselaw to support the above is a starting point, there are many factors which influence that not least how long (duration) the marriage was, children (how many age and needs thereof) and the earning history and future earning capacity of the spouse who "contributed" less to the marriage pot.

I don't think you can assume 50-50 every time but I agree that 99% of the public assume that is the case (especially men who don't want to or resent having got married).

You can marry anywhere. It was me with the Lancashire link which is £190 all in on a Monday. Nice weekend break in the Ribble Valley…Other areas may be cheaper. I had a friend marry in court house in NY and that was very inexpensive (obviously holiday cost too)

What an old fashioned view? Are you from tge fifties? Do you define yourself by your lack of a man and children.?

@Dixiechickonhols yes, I was just trying to point out that some places cost more than others…although the can marry ‘anywhere’ isn’t that straight forward, for our council you have to have been a resident for 7 days straight. Which makes it a bit (shed tons more) more expensive! Add in travel or making it into a holiday, still bumps the price up from what some are quoting.

we’ve swung back round to not bothering simply due to costs for a bit of paper and 15 mins of someone’s time. Cheaper to do poa, as everything else wills, pension, no kids is already in place!

They have to offer service that costs no more than £57. There are usually some rules to get this though. The two councils we spoke to only offered them on a Tuesday morning between 10 and 12 and both only allowed the people having the marriage/civil partnership and the two witnesses. The day often changes from council to council and some only offer it one day a month rather than one day a week making it less accessible.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 · Today 19:57

@Rhaenys @Superscientist it would seem there is no standardised cost for a registery office do, our local office is £400 just to get the piece of paper,

MARRIAGE. IS. NOT. JUST A PIECE. OF PAPER. 🤦‍♀️

I am starting to despair for humanity!

I agree with this. Then after they’ve been together a really long time it seems a bit pointless to get married and have the expense and faff of a wedding. I think this is even more common when one or both have been married before.

Sadly there’s a lot of this: “He would never do that”, until he does.

Agree with @ellyeth There is no such thing as a common law wife. You are entitled to FUCK-ALL from your boyfriend/flatmate if your relationship goes tits-up.

And if it does last some years, and he dies, you will be entitled to nothing, and you will have less of a right to decide what happens to him/his body, (and what sort of funeral he has,) than his parents, and siblings. You will have a say in NOTHING. The postman will have as much control over what happens as you!

So you basically don't trust anyone, which isn't healthy either.

Dixiechickonhols · Today 19:54

This post is a perfect example of why schools should be teaching pupils the absolute imperative of knowing what your rights are and getting your paperwork to align with what you want as you go along in life.

People "not getting round to it" can be as much due to busy-ness as literally not understanding the gravity of failing to do something promptly to reflect their wishes.

I also think it is nigh on impossible for most people to access the advice they need to do their own paperwork effectively and cost effectively for their own budget (eg citizen advice bureau is not available etc).

I have to say that reform of many many areas of law which affect the personal financial affairs of the man in the street is desperately needed but clearly the government does not care about that because the advice to get it right is accessible to them.

They should be teaching the implication of being on the deeds of a house, the implications of not having a will, the implications of not getting married, the implications of having to pay child maintenance (and how easy it is to avoid it) the implications of borrowing money etc.

None of it seems to be taught quite as well as ticktock teaches young girls that their sole aim is to emulate their fave influence in a big bling wedding. Great stuff.

@FreshWinterMorning you are totally over reacting and missing the point. So calm down dear!!!!

I was making a comment regarding the actual cost of getting married. And what you get at the point of being married…. It is literally 15 mins of someone’s time and a piece of paper in exchange for a lot of money…nice little earner! That all you get to show for a shed ton of money…the rights you bang on about are a separate thing, only coming into force at other points of your life. Not at that moment stood in a draughty, dingy, cold, damp concrete 1960s decorated registry office having been asked (fleeced) for £400 for a single bit of paper, supposedly doing something momentous.
I totally see why people prefer to prioritise that money on something else kids or no kids etc etc

I have had all the same questions you have had.

I didn’t say that at all. I’m happily married, just not naive.

£400? Where did THAT figure come from?
All registry offices are legally bound to offer a statutory ceremony which is £57. It's £35 each to give notice (£47 for a foreign national) so £151 in total.

People need to look at the legal side of marriage a lot more than they do........currently seeing g this with a family member whose wife is extremely abusive (( wife is my side of the family ))

Long marriage with no dc, wife has barely worked for years due to the fact she picks fights with people and loses jobs, hell I'm only involved because I used bils phone one day and noticed he'd made repeated calls to the samaritans.......he stands to lose half of everything, his pension, his home the lot. And I don't agree with it, especially as they had no dc.

I'm exactly in the position you describe......engaged since 2010.....weddings are a waste of money IMHO..... to each their own.

And no. She wasn't like this when they married, it's a combination of alcohol abuse, poor mental health and her choosing to push her role as professional victim instead of taking responsibility for her actions.

As well as being a public commitment to each other marriage is a very powerful legal document. Its main value is to protect the financial equality of the woman who most often has years away from paid work to have and look after children. If the estates of them are too widely differing a pre nup can be made to protect assets but basic fairness and security will be maintained. And in the case of illness accident and death the spouse is the next of kin taking precedence over other members of the family.

27 years and one child later, I am oldish and getting a civil partnership in the next few weeks. It is for the avoidance of doubt (in my pensions) and avoidance of tax as (being old) we are just touching the position where it’s relevant. Before reaching this point I was happy with mirror wills and my slightly higher salary.

it‘s certainly not no cost and no hassle. Many local registry offices have shut. Some we looked at only offer the cheaper prices midweek at odd times - dynamic pricing! We are signing only, no ceremony ie spoken word. We are having no guests just the two witnesses we invited - someone up thread mentioned registry office staff to be witnesses - that was a big no anywhere near me (England) and getting a stranger seemed too risky. That then leads to a meal. I’m not being a misery, I’m really looking forward to it but the point is it’s not zero cost and effort. I’ve had to pay for a car too as there’s no reliable public transport and I don’t want to miss my slot!! Without the ring and clothes, I reckon we will have spent £750. with the ring and clothes (no flowers, make up, hair involved), maybe 1.5. It all
adds up though I intend to enjoy it!

We only want to marry for the inheritance tax benefit, otherwise as you say, the kids are the bigger commitment, not the wedding. So it’s one of those admin things we never get round to.