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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thoughtlessness

99 replies

MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 07:53

6 years ago my husband went out for his Christmas 'Do' and never came home. He clearly had suffered a mental event of some kind, and for months afterwards was saying he was going to find a way to end his life. After trying to get medical help for him (with his parents support), and being patient with him, we hoped he would come home. Our kids were 4 and 6 at the time - I can't even begin to explain how hideous it was to try to keep things normal for them over this time. After two months, my husband told the kids he would never be coming home and within another two he was living with someone he had worked with. I can't even begin to describe how traumatic that time was. It took me years before I could decorate a tree again, or even feel vaguely excited about Christmas.
Fast forward to this week. My new husband knows all of the above, and he also knows I have a tricky time of it around this time due to the trauma/triggers. On the whole I manage it really well, but this year my husband's Christmas do was on the same day and date as my ex's 6 years ago. My husband noticed I was low earlier in the week and I broke down and reminded him that this time of year is still hard for me - that despite trying not to 'give in' to it, certain smells/events bring back emotions and I feel worthless all over again. My husband said all the right things, and reassured me he understood.
Despite this, he left for his night out at 7and the last I heard from him was 8. He had told me the do finished at midnight and he would 'probably be home before'. At 230am I woke up and the bed was empty - I was immediately taken back to that night 6 years ago, started shaking, thinking I was going to be sick etc. I looked at my phone and saw that my husband had got in about 15 minutes before. I went downstairs and he had passed put on the sofa.
Of course he deserves a night out and of course he shouldn't be 'punished' for my ex's actions, but AIBU to be so upset that he's done this? One simple text to say he was late would have been enough. He knew how low I was and literally said 'ill get in bed and cuddle you when I get home so you know I'm there' and then he's done this. I feel so let down. TBH im not even sure that, knowing what he knew, then doing what he did, means i can be with him anymore 😔

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 16/12/2023 07:56

Have you had any talking therapy?

dothehokeycokey · 16/12/2023 07:59

I'm sorry you had such an awful time 6 years ago. However you can't expect your now husband to spend every Xmas on top toes and having to abide by rules etc because of something that wasn't even him

If everyone felt like that about every traumatic event in their life we would all spend a lot of the year being low.

I understand it must have been a horrendous time for you and your children please dont think I'm minimising your ex husbands behaviour at all in any way but please get some therapy so you don't live the rest of your life under this dark shadow.

You deserve to be happy and confident with your now husband and life.

Go downstairs and ask if he had a good night and make him a coffee and give him a hug op.

Have you thought how it might impact his fun time that your on edge when he's out?

Hipnotised · 16/12/2023 08:00

Your new partner is not your ex husband. What your DP did was nothing unusual after a work party.

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:00

Yes I did. TBH it's only this week of the year that gets to me and it always takes me by surprise that I still am affected by it. I have considered more as I can see I've not fully processed it all.

OP posts:
Peachtails · 16/12/2023 08:01

Xmas do's and alcohol will often make people lose track of time, what your ex husband did is a very rare situation.

It is unfair to place that guilt onto your now husband, but I can understand why you feel the way you do. Maybe some talking therapy like the previous poster has suggested would be a good start, if you haven't already.

dreamersdown · 16/12/2023 08:01

It sounds like you’ve had a really tricky time of it. But as an outsider, I think you are catastrophising about this (it sounds like anxiety or perhaps PTSD) and you’re in danger of doing something you would later regret.

Try not to think about your ex, but rather your husband’s actions. Making today all about your ex punishes you all. Recognising that a)your husband did come home, b) he slept on the sofa to save your sleep and c) he wasn’t even that late home - give yourself all some grace, get some more sleep, and focus on what you want to build (a happy family) instead of your ex.

MrsWhites · 16/12/2023 08:03

He obviously hasn’t meant to trigger you in this way, you can’t forever judge him by your ex’s standards. It wasn’t his fault that the dates were the same and 2.30 isn’t that late to get home.

You don’t deserve to have a miserable Christmas for the rest of your life - have you considered getting some help to deal with these feelings?

Blanca87 · 16/12/2023 08:04

You need to stop punishing your husband for your exs sins. Go to counselling to work through your feelings and build resilience. I have to say you sound really controlling and frankly self-centred about this and using it as a mechanism to control people.
i can’t believe you didn’t decorate a tree for Christmas for years??? your poor kids. I get it must have been hard but again people who had no control over what happened ended up baring the brunt of how you dealt with this. Your current dh has done nothing wrong and should be allowed to enjoy going out without worrying you are going to be mad at him because of something that happened in your past.
I mean this kindly but you need to get a grip here or your going’s to lose him.

Teaandsympathy · 16/12/2023 08:04

So sorry you had this experience. With your ex and last night. However you’re right; your dh should not be punished for your ex’s behaviour. No doubt it with a bit thoughtless of him and you’re entitled to feel upset. But as you also said he deserves a night out… and to relax. Objectively your reaction is quite extreme and something you need to learn to deal with better. Would you benefit from some therapy to learn techniques to cope with these triggers better?

ChiIIieP · 16/12/2023 08:05

Kindly, you are being extremely unreasonable here. You need counselling to upick it all and be able to fully accept what happened. Your DH hasn't done anything wrong, it's absolutely wild to say you don't think you can be with him because he went on a night out. You will end up ruining your marriage because of past issues that is nothing to do with your new DH.

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:10

Blanca87 · 16/12/2023 08:04

You need to stop punishing your husband for your exs sins. Go to counselling to work through your feelings and build resilience. I have to say you sound really controlling and frankly self-centred about this and using it as a mechanism to control people.
i can’t believe you didn’t decorate a tree for Christmas for years??? your poor kids. I get it must have been hard but again people who had no control over what happened ended up baring the brunt of how you dealt with this. Your current dh has done nothing wrong and should be allowed to enjoy going out without worrying you are going to be mad at him because of something that happened in your past.
I mean this kindly but you need to get a grip here or your going’s to lose him.

I think this is harsh - I didn't say I didn't give my kids a tree, I said that I couldn't decorate it. I would do anything to not feel what I felt 6 years ago again. I didn't want to control my husband, I asked him just for a little care at a time I was feeling really low. If you read 'control' from that then I worry for you!

OP posts:
YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:10

But he hadn't done anything.... Probably home before does not mean definitely and you wouldn't have gotten any texts while in bed asleep

pictoosh · 16/12/2023 08:11

"I'm sorry you had such an awful time 6 years ago. However you can't expect your now husband to spend every Xmas on top toes and having to abide by rules etc because of something that wasn't even him"

I agree with this I'm afraid.
I am also sorry your ex put you through such a terrible experience. It's understandable that you are triggered by the time of year and circumstances.

However, having a few too many at the works do is normal...being late in is normal...making those decisions as an adult is normal. Your trauma is not for him to manage.

Good luck xx

AhBiscuits · 16/12/2023 08:12

Your new husband has done nothing wrong. It will get old pretty fast if he has to spend his life paying for someone else's mistakes.

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:13

Thanks all. I really appreciate your honesty and I think I just thought I had dealt with the trauma. Your feedback has honestly helped me to see how 'not normal' my response was.
Thanks to all that have stated kindly, but firmly, that this is my problem. Really appreciated xx

OP posts:
LikeTheMorningDew · 16/12/2023 08:14

You'll drive him away if you let your ex's misbehaviour cast a shadow over your current relationship.

My husband's ex tried to top herself in the bath. When we first got together he used to find reasons to check on me when I was in the bathroom for a long time (not pervily... sadly). At first I was sympathetic/understanding, but then one day lost my rag completely. Our daily lives shouldn't be permanently affected by her act. I am vastly more likely to kill someone who startles me in the bathroom than to hurt myself. He actually saw my point and stopped doing it. It took him a long time to learn to relax but I'm proud he did.

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:14

I don't think YABU.

I think your new DH should've considered your feelings more and I would be upset and hurt too.

However, I would try to forgive him in your shoes.

YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:15

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:14

I don't think YABU.

I think your new DH should've considered your feelings more and I would be upset and hurt too.

However, I would try to forgive him in your shoes.

How could he have done that, not gone out and sit at home miserable with OP? The poor guy shouldn't be made to miss out and have to tip toe around OP who really should deal with this herself

NoSquirrels · 16/12/2023 08:17

Take a deep breath, have a cup of tea, centre yourself, and realise what you have now, right this moment.

You have a husband who came home a bit drunk from a Christmas do, and slept on the sofa.

Unless you have other evidence to the contrary that he’s manipulative and cruel, give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just drunk and thought it better not to wake you, and forgot he’d promised to cuddle you when he got in.

Unless you think he is a game player, then you’d be silly to even bring it up with him.

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:17

YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:15

How could he have done that, not gone out and sit at home miserable with OP? The poor guy shouldn't be made to miss out and have to tip toe around OP who really should deal with this herself

Show quote history

I hadn't ever asked him not to go. My point was a text saying he was late would have been really helpful for me. Please don't jump on someone for offering a little care.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 08:18

If my husband tried to keep on reminding my about something that was not my fault and I didn't do I would not be impressed

I would not do that to him it is not fair, if you need more counselling etc. Get it stop blaming him

margotrose · 16/12/2023 08:20

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:14

I don't think YABU.

I think your new DH should've considered your feelings more and I would be upset and hurt too.

However, I would try to forgive him in your shoes.

Forgive him for what, exactly?

Behaving perfectly normally, coming home from his Christmas do in the early hours and falling asleep on the sofa?

EmptyYoghurtPot · 16/12/2023 08:20

The most worrying thing about this is your last statement in your OP - that you are not sure you can be with him anymore because of this. That sounds like a bit of a knee jerk reaction - unless there is more of a back story?

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:20

YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:15

How could he have done that, not gone out and sit at home miserable with OP? The poor guy shouldn't be made to miss out and have to tip toe around OP who really should deal with this herself

Show quote history

He should've texted her to let her know he was running 2.5 hours late.

My DH didn't go on his Christmas do this year because I asked him not to. In the circumstances, I was not being unreasonable in asking him this. I do feel OP would've been unreasonable in requesting her DH stay at home, but a text is not too much to ask.

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:20

WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 08:18

If my husband tried to keep on reminding my about something that was not my fault and I didn't do I would not be impressed

I would not do that to him it is not fair, if you need more counselling etc. Get it stop blaming him

I don't 'keep on reminding him', this is the first time this has come up and only because of the same/time and date. We have have a happy marriage which is not impacted by this in any other way usually.

OP posts: