DH thoughtlessness

[MINKY75]

6 years ago my husband went out for his Christmas 'Do' and never came home. He clearly had suffered a mental event of some kind, and for months afterwards was saying he was going to find a way to end his life. After trying to get medical help for him (with his parents support), and being patient with him, we hoped he would come home. Our kids were 4 and 6 at the time - I can't even begin to explain how hideous it was to try to keep things normal for them over this time. After two months, my husband told the kids he would never be coming home and within another two he was living with someone he had worked with. I can't even begin to describe how traumatic that time was. It took me years before I could decorate a tree again, or even feel vaguely excited about Christmas.
Fast forward to this week. My new husband knows all of the above, and he also knows I have a tricky time of it around this time due to the trauma/triggers. On the whole I manage it really well, but this year my husband's Christmas do was on the same day and date as my ex's 6 years ago. My husband noticed I was low earlier in the week and I broke down and reminded him that this time of year is still hard for me - that despite trying not to 'give in' to it, certain smells/events bring back emotions and I feel worthless all over again. My husband said all the right things, and reassured me he understood.
Despite this, he left for his night out at 7and the last I heard from him was 8. He had told me the do finished at midnight and he would 'probably be home before'. At 230am I woke up and the bed was empty - I was immediately taken back to that night 6 years ago, started shaking, thinking I was going to be sick etc. I looked at my phone and saw that my husband had got in about 15 minutes before. I went downstairs and he had passed put on the sofa.
Of course he deserves a night out and of course he shouldn't be 'punished' for my ex's actions, but AIBU to be so upset that he's done this? One simple text to say he was late would have been enough. He knew how low I was and literally said 'ill get in bed and cuddle you when I get home so you know I'm there' and then he's done this. I feel so let down. TBH im not even sure that, knowing what he knew, then doing what he did, means i can be with him anymore 😔

He's done nothing wrong this is entirely a you issue.

Your ex left you at a horrible time , but it's so unfair to your lovely new husband to be carrying this over to him.

You really should get some therapy. To help you deal with this better.

Christmas is a difficult time for lots of people

I think a lot of the replies on here are from people lucky enough to have never experienced trauma or had to deal with the aftermath.

OP, you are totally not unreasonable.

I'm sorry but if my partner for whatever reason wanted to leave me because I was two hours late, I'd be accepting their decision.

To be fair, this isn't a counselling service. It's a chat forum. It's for garnering opinions based on the experience of strangers.

You’ve already absorbed the feedback on being a bit unreasonable for thinking about leaving him, so that’s good, I won’t go into that.

HOWEVER - dramatic pause - I don’t get why so many people seem to have husbands who won’t send a polite “I’m a bit tipsy and might be later than expected” text. Basic manners can exist within a marriage people!

OP - I don’t think you’d be wrong to have a conversation and say “please can you just let me know if you’re going to be later than you thought because I tend to overreact, for reasons you know about”. That’s not mad at all.

OP, if I were you I'd hide this thread now.

You've taken posters views on board, acknowledged that maybe some extra therapy might help, you deal with this (understandably) difficult time of year for you.

Now go and make your DH a coffee and ask him if he had a good night. Tell him how alarmed you were when you woke up but then put it (and this thread) behind you.

Try not to let what your ex did to you spoil another Christmas.

And don't let this thread bring you down further. Some poster just can't help judging how another person deals and responds to tricky times.

Mine would know that I'd be asleep, so wouldn't want to wake me. As OP
was, by the time she was awake her DH was home. It was a non issue.

I agree with PPs that this is not a reasonable response which clearly stems from unresolved trauma and counselling would help. However I would speak to your DH about it - not in an angry, accusing way, but so he can help you in managing your difficult emotions. I'd just tell him how you're feeling and your response to the situation, but tell him you're trying to manage it and plan to get counselling as you recognise it is your issue not his, but you'd welcome his support at this difficult time. And hopefully he'll be apologetic for having worried you and reassure you.

I totally get why this time of year gets to you. I’m the same with august bank holidays. Decades after the traumatic event my mind automatically starts acting up a few weeks before. I found the key was to find my own thing to do, having the kids around massively helped distract me.
Your husband did nothing wrong here. He understood and treated you kindly before he went out and came home at a decent time. He didn’t fall asleep on the sofa to upset you, he probably did it because he didn’t want to disturb you. I think some talking therapy would help you clear your head a little.

The lack of a text made all of a minute's difference in terms of OP knowing where he was. If he'd texted that he would be back at 2, the chances are OP would still have been worried at 2.30, because he couldn't know he would fall asleep downstairs. The fact that he was happy to let her track him on his phone shows that he was prepared to go out of his way to reassure her.

HOWEVER - dramatic pause - I don’t get why so many people seem to have husbands who won’t send a polite “I’m a bit tipsy and might be later than expected” text. Basic manners can exist within a marriage people!

I just think it's completely unnecessary for a grown adult to have to tell another grown adult that they're not going to be home bang on time.

Expecting your partner to be home at an exact time from a night out is (imo) silly behaviour and only leads to loads of unnecessary stress and worry.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. It’s not too much to ask for a text to say he’s running late, especially since you had already explained how low and anxious you were feeling. It was thoughtless and inconsiderate and it’s okay to feel a bit upset about it.

But, something I have learned is that it’s really not possible for the person who hasn’t experienced the traumatic event to understand how you’re feeling, and trying to get them to understand is often pointless. They won’t really grasp how bad you’re feeling and it’s not really reasonable to expect them to. So it’s okay to be a bit upset, but it’s not reasonable to take it further than that unless there’s other behaviours that make you think that the relationship is in trouble.

If you haven’t already done so, please try to get some therapy from a psychologist who is trained in trauma processing and PTSD treatment. Things like EMDR can really help. PTSD is not just about war or life threatening situations - any extremely stressful and upsetting event can cause these symptoms. You deserve to feel better and not have this hanging over you for the rest of your life.

YABU

As other posters have pointed out, you can’t blame him for what’s happened in your past.

You aren’t his mum and he can get back whenever he wants.

In all of the time where partners have been late home, it’s extremely rare for them to have got into an accident/been attacked etc.

The actual event didn’t finish until midnight and I would have expected him ti be home a couple hours after it ended but expected him to stay out later if he was having a good time.

I’ve never had a curfew as an adult, unless I had a babysitter to be back for.
If I go out then I could be back by 9pm or 11am the next day.

I would not be happy with my DH wanting to know what time I’ll be home.

Gently, you have had a lot happen in such a short amount of time.
I can’t get over your timeline.

You had a very traumatic experience 6 years ago, then your DH left you for another woman and you say how badly it affected you for a very long time and did have an impact on your kids but now you’ve got a new partner and got married.

I don’t think you healed properly from your last relationship and I think you should look into some sort of therapy and heal properly, as I can’t see your new relationship lasting if you don’t deal with the ghosts of your past properly.

The problem with wanting others to mitigate past trauma is that it can lead to a steady cycle of more and more mitigation/control.

Your husband did nothing wrong in the grand scheme of things, you were asleep so wouldn't have seen a text any way, you panicked for a few seconds more than you would have.

It's shit when you have a traumatic past, but the only person who can work through it is you. Yes you should be supported and have help, but not to the extent of innocent parties having to modify their behaviour for it.

It's not about being a cool wife, and I hate how dismissive it is. I've been referred to as a cool wife, it's not because I have absolute faith in my husband, he's human like the rest of us and no more or less likely to make crappy decisions. It's because the only person in life I'm able to affect the behaviour of is me. It took me therapy to get there, but I can't spend my life putting the burden of the person who was responsible for my trauma onto everyone else.

It's not about being a control freak, it's about respect. In OPs case, she has overreacted and I don't think her DH should have to give up his works do.

HOWEVER, if it became a pattern of behaviour (i.e him refusing to do something like text her when that is her sole reasonable request), then she is within her rights to want to say "I don't want you to go".

Just as he is within his rights to say "this relationship is not for me anymore because I find it controlling"

Thanks for all of your views. I've spoken to DH and said I'd have appreciated a text. Thanks for the people here that recognise how terrifying deep trauma is. I will seek therapy for this - it's been so helpful for the reflection of hoe OTT my reaction is. For those of you wittering on about ccontrol and how my lovely husband must be a Saint for 'putting up woth me wanting ONE TEXT', please troll off and make someone else's day unpleasant as I'm muting the thread now. Thank to all the lovely ones who have truly steered me with advice this morning xxxx

Oh give over, you were asleep, you were sooo worried. You didn't even hear him come in, you were that sound asleep.

You're just trying to control him, for something that would've made zero difference to the situation.

Just because someone points out that you are being unreasonable, doesn't make them a troll.

OK not a troll, just unkind then. Give yourself a pat on the back for being a generally unkind person!

HOWEVER - dramatic pause - I don’t get why so many people seem to have husbands who won’t send a polite “I’m a bit tipsy and might be later than expected” text. Basic manners can exist within a marriage people!

One 100% this. I too have some trauma about this when I was left home alone and I would wait for my mum to come home but would be late with a client. I used to sit at the window in hysterics. Long before mobiles. I never told her because I knew it would was work and she couldn't help it.

So I too find it important to get a text to be told if anyone is going to be later than expected. Not just husband but the kids too when they are home. I certainly do the same. Thankfully, OH is brilliant that way. Only once did go too far with the drinks and didn't but then his friend did text me.

If it is something that is so essential to you due to trauma then you husband should absolutely understand and therefore be prepared to stick to it.

You are definitely not wrong OP, so don't feel bad but discuss it together. Don't leave him.

@MINKY75 give yourself a pat on the back for having slept the whole time your DH was out, not a worry and then starting a row and wanting to leave him because he should've text even though you were totally unaware and fast asleep......

Crikey talk about trying to start a row over nothing!

Another option may have been for you to think, I've slept until after he had come home, I must be starting to deal with the trauma as otherwise i would've been awake stressing about him.

Yabu, it's your responsibility to heal before starting a new relationship. You didnt. You owe it to everyone to take responsibility and heal. Seek therapy, find coping strategies that dont rely on others.

I hope you haven't told him you dont think you can be with him anymore, that's incredibly controlling.

Well done OP that's great :)

You’r husband has done nothing wrong. You need to be very careful not to punish him for your exH.

When I started reading about your ex, I could tell he was having an affair. Mental health crises happen but rarely with no prior indication or diagnosis. It's classic that he had an affair and his guilt and dishonesty lead to him blaming some kind of mental breakdown instead of admitting he what he was doing.

Anyway, you need to find a way of moving on from it. Therapy should help - you need to build your esteem back up.

Your ex didn't irrationally go missing. He cheated and lied and was a coward. Your current husband is very unlikely to do the same.