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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thoughtlessness

99 replies

MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 07:53

6 years ago my husband went out for his Christmas 'Do' and never came home. He clearly had suffered a mental event of some kind, and for months afterwards was saying he was going to find a way to end his life. After trying to get medical help for him (with his parents support), and being patient with him, we hoped he would come home. Our kids were 4 and 6 at the time - I can't even begin to explain how hideous it was to try to keep things normal for them over this time. After two months, my husband told the kids he would never be coming home and within another two he was living with someone he had worked with. I can't even begin to describe how traumatic that time was. It took me years before I could decorate a tree again, or even feel vaguely excited about Christmas.
Fast forward to this week. My new husband knows all of the above, and he also knows I have a tricky time of it around this time due to the trauma/triggers. On the whole I manage it really well, but this year my husband's Christmas do was on the same day and date as my ex's 6 years ago. My husband noticed I was low earlier in the week and I broke down and reminded him that this time of year is still hard for me - that despite trying not to 'give in' to it, certain smells/events bring back emotions and I feel worthless all over again. My husband said all the right things, and reassured me he understood.
Despite this, he left for his night out at 7and the last I heard from him was 8. He had told me the do finished at midnight and he would 'probably be home before'. At 230am I woke up and the bed was empty - I was immediately taken back to that night 6 years ago, started shaking, thinking I was going to be sick etc. I looked at my phone and saw that my husband had got in about 15 minutes before. I went downstairs and he had passed put on the sofa.
Of course he deserves a night out and of course he shouldn't be 'punished' for my ex's actions, but AIBU to be so upset that he's done this? One simple text to say he was late would have been enough. He knew how low I was and literally said 'ill get in bed and cuddle you when I get home so you know I'm there' and then he's done this. I feel so let down. TBH im not even sure that, knowing what he knew, then doing what he did, means i can be with him anymore 😔

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 16/12/2023 08:21

You don’t need to worry for me, I’m not the one punishing others for something someone else did. You’ve come on a platform seeking advice and perspectives and from what you had written you come across controlling in this instance. That’s my perspective.
This could be a real moment where you reflect on your approach to your past trauma and think about how your behaviour is impacting others.
Good luck.

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:21

@margotrose forgive him for being thoughtless and not texting her.

YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:22

MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:17

I hadn't ever asked him not to go. My point was a text saying he was late would have been really helpful for me. Please don't jump on someone for offering a little care.

Show quote history

You said in your OP "despite this he left for his night out" indicating that you did expect him to just stay home. As I said, you wouldn't have gotten any texts while in bed sleeping, you woke up and he was home, it's not like you woke up and had no idea where he was and no indication of when he'd be home. You need to chill out

Goodlard · 16/12/2023 08:22

I don't understand, you were asleep, woke and your husband was home. Why were you upset? You were not even aware he was late?

hellsBells246 · 16/12/2023 08:22

Op, your ex-h put you through a massive trauma, and I'm not spirited you are still affected by it.

I agree that counselling might help you come to terms with it.

Sending you 💐

Savvasy · 16/12/2023 08:23

These replies are ridiculous.

Of course he should have thought to have text you, it was really selfish and thoughtless of him, he let you down.

You will feel better with some time but YANBU at all. He caused you extra stress and worry and it was totally preventable.

Savvasy · 16/12/2023 08:25

Blanca87 · 16/12/2023 08:21

You don’t need to worry for me, I’m not the one punishing others for something someone else did. You’ve come on a platform seeking advice and perspectives and from what you had written you come across controlling in this instance. That’s my perspective.
This could be a real moment where you reflect on your approach to your past trauma and think about how your behaviour is impacting others.
Good luck.

Edited

What a load of cool-wife crap.

OP's DH didn't do what he promised, her feelings are totally valid.

YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:26

Savvasy · 16/12/2023 08:23

These replies are ridiculous.

Of course he should have thought to have text you, it was really selfish and thoughtless of him, he let you down.

You will feel better with some time but YANBU at all. He caused you extra stress and worry and it was totally preventable.

He caused stress and worry by being asleep on the sofa when OP woke up at 2.30?? Should he have sent hourly updates of his whereabouts? This response is ridiculous not others. OP was asleep what good is a text if it's not received

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:26

YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:22

You said in your OP "despite this he left for his night out" indicating that you did expect him to just stay home. As I said, you wouldn't have gotten any texts while in bed sleeping, you woke up and he was home, it's not like you woke up and had no idea where he was and no indication of when he'd be home. You need to chill out

Show quote history

If you read the punctuation it says despite this he left at 7, and the last I heard from him was 8. This was for conext/timings, not me saying 'despite me being sad he went out'. Thanks for the comment about 'chilling out' to get over deep trauma...why didn't I think of that earlier???!!!

OP posts:
Goodlard · 16/12/2023 08:27

@Dacadactyl why on earth did you stop your DH going on his Xmas do?

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:28

Goodlard · 16/12/2023 08:27

@Dacadactyl why on earth did you stop your DH going on his Xmas do?

I dont mean to sound off, but that is none of your business. Suffice to say, I was not being unreasonable.

YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:28

Savvasy · 16/12/2023 08:25

What a load of cool-wife crap.

OP's DH didn't do what he promised, her feelings are totally valid.

Show quote history

He didn't promise anything

Goodlard · 16/12/2023 08:30

Savvasy · 16/12/2023 08:23

These replies are ridiculous.

Of course he should have thought to have text you, it was really selfish and thoughtless of him, he let you down.

You will feel better with some time but YANBU at all. He caused you extra stress and worry and it was totally preventable.

As far as I can tell OP was asleep and woke to find him home and asleep on the sofa!

Goodlard · 16/12/2023 08:31

@Dacadactyl so are you saying that OP s DH should never go to a Xmas party? Because it sounds like you condone controlling behaviour.

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:31

Blanca87 · 16/12/2023 08:21

You don’t need to worry for me, I’m not the one punishing others for something someone else did. You’ve come on a platform seeking advice and perspectives and from what you had written you come across controlling in this instance. That’s my perspective.
This could be a real moment where you reflect on your approach to your past trauma and think about how your behaviour is impacting others.
Good luck.

Edited

I literally put a post on to say I had reflected and was really thankful for people kindly stating that this was my issue. If someone had suffered a loss on a date and asked a loved one to be thoughtful at that time would it be 'controlling'?? I just don't understand why you have to be so unpleasant - just say it's my issue and move on.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 16/12/2023 08:31

🤣 cool wife, that term gives me the dry boak and it’s use is so problematic.

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:33

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:20

He should've texted her to let her know he was running 2.5 hours late.

My DH didn't go on his Christmas do this year because I asked him not to. In the circumstances, I was not being unreasonable in asking him this. I do feel OP would've been unreasonable in requesting her DH stay at home, but a text is not too much to ask.

Show quote history

@Goodlard read my last sentence above. I do not think she should've asked him to stay at home in the circumstances.

YeahIsaidit · 16/12/2023 08:33

Blanca87 · 16/12/2023 08:31

🤣 cool wife, that term gives me the dry boak and it’s use is so problematic.

It's insane isn't it, you're considered a cool wife, pick-me type if you're not the kind of person that feels the need to control people and know of their whereabouts at all times

Laurama91 · 16/12/2023 08:36

MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:13

Thanks all. I really appreciate your honesty and I think I just thought I had dealt with the trauma. Your feedback has honestly helped me to see how 'not normal' my response was.
Thanks to all that have stated kindly, but firmly, that this is my problem. Really appreciated xx

My mum died when I was 6 in a car accident. I am now 32. I still get anxiety when I'm in a car I'm not in control of. I got out of a taxi on holiday and felt so weak and sick I didn't make it through the door of the hotel.
I also try very hard not to comment on my partners driving but something I do have to ask him to break earlier for example.

So as for 'not normal" response, I think this is wrong. This is a normal response for something that hasn't been dealt with. I havent had therapy or anything but I try really hard not to say anything

Blanca87 · 16/12/2023 08:37

I post that after you written it, I think sometimes there is a delay? I’m not intending to be nasty to you just throwing my perspective into the ring.
Anyhoo, I’m sure your husband will appreciate a cup of tea and apology and your family can all enjoy your weekend. 😘

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 16/12/2023 08:37

Op, I highly recommend talking therapy.

You need to learn how to put your exes actions behind you and move forward.

You deserve it.

Do not end up bitter like my mother. It's a shell of a life and you don't want to live like that.

LadyBird1973 · 16/12/2023 08:37

Personally I think that given the specific nature of the OPs trauma, her husband should have stayed home on this occasion. I think that would have been the more caring thing to do.
At the very least he ought to have been in regular contact with her.

AllThatTwitters · 16/12/2023 08:38

I’m a little shocked at some of the responses here. Sometimes it seems on mumsnet like asking your partner to modify their behaviour in any way is deemed controlling, ffs.
OP, you went through a massive trauma and well done for getting through it and then forging another relationship. I’m sorry he was thoughtless about not texting you, it would’ve been a simple thing for him to do. Maybe have a good talk with him today- if his hangover can handle it.

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/12/2023 08:40

I think you need more therapy as you're clearly not over this event. Your new husband has the patience of a saint it must be very hard for him always feeling a bit second best.

Savvasy · 16/12/2023 08:40

MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:26

If you read the punctuation it says despite this he left at 7, and the last I heard from him was 8. This was for conext/timings, not me saying 'despite me being sad he went out'. Thanks for the comment about 'chilling out' to get over deep trauma...why didn't I think of that earlier???!!!

Show quote history

Ignore the MN venom, in force this morning 😂

Meanwhile, in the real world, most people would feel exactly the same and you definitely don't come across as controlling.

I hope you can do something nice for yourself today and feel better; you will forgive him I'm sure, you've done so well to get through the trauma of the past.

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