Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thoughtlessness

99 replies

MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 07:53

6 years ago my husband went out for his Christmas 'Do' and never came home. He clearly had suffered a mental event of some kind, and for months afterwards was saying he was going to find a way to end his life. After trying to get medical help for him (with his parents support), and being patient with him, we hoped he would come home. Our kids were 4 and 6 at the time - I can't even begin to explain how hideous it was to try to keep things normal for them over this time. After two months, my husband told the kids he would never be coming home and within another two he was living with someone he had worked with. I can't even begin to describe how traumatic that time was. It took me years before I could decorate a tree again, or even feel vaguely excited about Christmas.
Fast forward to this week. My new husband knows all of the above, and he also knows I have a tricky time of it around this time due to the trauma/triggers. On the whole I manage it really well, but this year my husband's Christmas do was on the same day and date as my ex's 6 years ago. My husband noticed I was low earlier in the week and I broke down and reminded him that this time of year is still hard for me - that despite trying not to 'give in' to it, certain smells/events bring back emotions and I feel worthless all over again. My husband said all the right things, and reassured me he understood.
Despite this, he left for his night out at 7and the last I heard from him was 8. He had told me the do finished at midnight and he would 'probably be home before'. At 230am I woke up and the bed was empty - I was immediately taken back to that night 6 years ago, started shaking, thinking I was going to be sick etc. I looked at my phone and saw that my husband had got in about 15 minutes before. I went downstairs and he had passed put on the sofa.
Of course he deserves a night out and of course he shouldn't be 'punished' for my ex's actions, but AIBU to be so upset that he's done this? One simple text to say he was late would have been enough. He knew how low I was and literally said 'ill get in bed and cuddle you when I get home so you know I'm there' and then he's done this. I feel so let down. TBH im not even sure that, knowing what he knew, then doing what he did, means i can be with him anymore 😔

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 08:40

AllThatTwitters · 16/12/2023 08:38

I’m a little shocked at some of the responses here. Sometimes it seems on mumsnet like asking your partner to modify their behaviour in any way is deemed controlling, ffs.
OP, you went through a massive trauma and well done for getting through it and then forging another relationship. I’m sorry he was thoughtless about not texting you, it would’ve been a simple thing for him to do. Maybe have a good talk with him today- if his hangover can handle it.

Everything a man does is called controlling

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 16/12/2023 08:41

LadyBird1973 · 16/12/2023 08:37

Personally I think that given the specific nature of the OPs trauma, her husband should have stayed home on this occasion. I think that would have been the more caring thing to do.
At the very least he ought to have been in regular contact with her.

I disagree completely. This is the Op's issue to address.

This should not prevent her husband from doing anything at all. It's not his responsibility.

He did nothing wrong. He went out, came home went to sleep. End of.

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:42

I honestly love this forum and how helpful it is. Thanks again for all of your support and feedback. I've really taken on the feedback that I'm going to end up bitter or lose my husband because of these feelings - I will definitely pursue counselling.
xxx

OP posts:
ChiIIieP · 16/12/2023 08:44

Glad to hear you've taken it on board OP. Also try and put yourself in his position. If his ex would have done that 6 years ago just try and think how you'd feel if he was being funny with you about it now, and saying he didn't think he could be with you anymore. It's hard to see yourself sometimes x

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:45

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/12/2023 08:40

I think you need more therapy as you're clearly not over this event. Your new husband has the patience of a saint it must be very hard for him always feeling a bit second best.

How do you know he 'always feels second best'. I don't recall seeing you lurking in my kitchen watching our relationship. I asked DH for some extra care and thought at a really tricky time. If that's not something you think a partner should do, then I worry for you and your relationships!

OP posts:
pictoosh · 16/12/2023 08:45

As an asides, I love the term 'cool wife' on here. I've been accused of being one more than once. I laugh to myself and think, 'why, yes'.
Glad to be a shrug-it-off amenable sort...he is too. Works for us.

ChiIIieP · 16/12/2023 08:49

pictoosh · 16/12/2023 08:45

As an asides, I love the term 'cool wife' on here. I've been accused of being one more than once. I laugh to myself and think, 'why, yes'.
Glad to be a shrug-it-off amenable sort...he is too. Works for us.

Yeah I feel like the cool wife term comes out when other people can't understand why someone would be chilled about something. Suddenly the cool wife thing gets thrown at you like playground shite 🤣

DeadbeatYoda · 16/12/2023 08:49

Glad you've listened to the responses. You absolutely need to let go of this and if that means counselling then crack on. The behaviour of your original husband should not still have this hold on you, for your kids' sake you need to sort it. Well done for being brave enough to put it out there on a forum and taking the comments on the chin. Here's wishing you many, many happy Christmas's in the future.

stonedaisy · 16/12/2023 08:50

To the trolls being deliberately cruel to this lady - please get in the cold sea, you'll be so much more use there.

OP I see you, particularly as he promised to come to bed and give you a snuggle. But its over now, he's a different guy and now that event is done you can get on with enjoying your crimbo. I hope you all have a great one!
Be so kind to yourself and put yourself first whenever you can x

NCNov123 · 16/12/2023 08:51

I want to give you a big hug. What an awful thing to happen with your ex. I'm glad you're in a better relationship now.

I both think that your husband could have texted, and that your response suggests more therapy is needed to process what happened with your ex.

I do understand your panic. Before my DH and I were married we had a period of long distance. He had a terrible habit of falling asleep somewhere after drinking too much (early 20s so lots of nights out). Sometimes his own bathroom, but sometimes not - once the other side of the city after he fell asleep on public transport. I'd get so stressed about whether he was back safe and I still prefer that he texts when he's leaving somewhere so I can estimate when he should be home.

Later, when you're calmer and he's not hungover, you can explain that you know he didn't do anything wrong, but it would really help you if he texts it he's going to be later than planned. I think he'll understand. Have a lovely Xmas.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/12/2023 08:53

First of all I want to say how sorry I am that your exH did that to you. You are obviously a very kind person to believe the “mental episode” part of his story. It must’ve been horrific for you all.

that said, I agree with the others who’ve said your reaction was unfair on your husband. He got drunk, rational judgment goes out of the window a bit then doesn’t it? No harm was done really, he was just a bit late.

I hope things look brighter for you today and I wish you a very happy Christmas

margotrose · 16/12/2023 08:55

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:21

@margotrose forgive him for being thoughtless and not texting her.

He shouldn't need to text her. He's a grown adult on a works' do, not a teenager out with his mates.

jemenfous37 · 16/12/2023 08:57

In no-one's defence except for everyone everywhere who has been to a work do, had a drink or two, and lost time...
It happens; the first hour is usually v slow and you wonder whether you can sneak away, then all of a sudden, it's 5 hours later, and you are thinking wtf happened to 8-12?!
No, it isn't fair on those expecting some kind of contact/behaviour/home-time, but in the absence of nefarious activity stealing those hours, I think I would take any home time as an target, not a definite.
All that said, understandably, you still feel raw about your experience, and yes, you will resent current partner for not remembering. But, you are aware of your feelings and have asked for thoughts here. Ignore the meanies.
You could get your revenge by hoovering next to his head...
I do hope that this Christmas is better for you

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:58

stonedaisy · 16/12/2023 08:50

To the trolls being deliberately cruel to this lady - please get in the cold sea, you'll be so much more use there.

OP I see you, particularly as he promised to come to bed and give you a snuggle. But its over now, he's a different guy and now that event is done you can get on with enjoying your crimbo. I hope you all have a great one!
Be so kind to yourself and put yourself first whenever you can x

Thank-you so much for your kindness. It is bewildering that some people can't just seem to say 'it's your issue' and move on. I cam on here for some context and on the whole there have been loads of 'sorry you've had a shit time but sort yourself out.' and that's exactly what I plan to do. Merry Christmas xx

OP posts:
WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 16/12/2023 08:59

Op... I get the impression you expected him to stay at home and not go at all

SouthEastCoast · 16/12/2023 09:01

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 08:20

He should've texted her to let her know he was running 2.5 hours late.

My DH didn't go on his Christmas do this year because I asked him not to. In the circumstances, I was not being unreasonable in asking him this. I do feel OP would've been unreasonable in requesting her DH stay at home, but a text is not too much to ask.

Show quote history

The thing with Xmas dos though is that it’s 9 o’clock and you’re having a great time and then suddenly it’s 3 o’clock and no time has passed in between …

it’s unreasonable to as new DH to walk on eggshells because of undealt with trauma.

Goodlard · 16/12/2023 09:01

I presume you also track your DH @MINKY75, why?

You would always have known where he was?

You now because you track him, he'd only been home 15 minutes? So you've made an issue of that?

To be honest if not tracking my DH and accepting he is having fun and staying out a little later, makes me a cool wife, I'm bloody happy with that!

Control freaks on here are worrying!

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 09:05

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 16/12/2023 08:59

Op... I get the impression you expected him to stay at home and not go at all

Not at all, just a text to say 'keeping the party going' would have helped with the panic of not finding him in bed. Absolutely happy for him to go.

OP posts:
Asifiwouldnt · 16/12/2023 09:07

It think some of these replies are truly awful

OP I dont think your were unreasonable asking for and expecting consideration.

He could have texted a couple of times to say he was going to be later than planned and not to worry he was coming home just might be late.

Yes we all deserve a night out for Xmas but I love my husband more than a night out with work and I’d be terribly upset if I knowingly caused him distress at such a sensitive time and would happily drop a few texts just to make sure he wasn’t anxious.

I don’t think your expectations were wrong. You didn’t ask him not to go out despite the date being the exact same one etc.

That history with your ex sounds truly awful and you were amazing keeping going and rebuilding your life with your kids.
i wish you all the best.

Original poster
MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 09:07

Goodlard · 16/12/2023 09:01

I presume you also track your DH @MINKY75, why?

You would always have known where he was?

You now because you track him, he'd only been home 15 minutes? So you've made an issue of that?

To be honest if not tracking my DH and accepting he is having fun and staying out a little later, makes me a cool wife, I'm bloody happy with that!

Control freaks on here are worrying!

If I had said my previous partner had been killed on a night out and I wanted my new DH to text to say he was safe - would that be controlling?
One time of year is insanely hard for me. I asked DH for a bit of care and he flunked. I was upset. If that's controlling my dear then I worry for you.
PS we have a video doorbell so I knew when he came in.

OP posts:
Goodlard · 16/12/2023 09:07

@MINKY75 but he was downstairs! His lord man falls asleep on sofa after a few too many!

You track him,

margotrose · 16/12/2023 09:08

But even if he'd text you earlier, you'd still have been asleep and woken up panicky wouldn't you? Because you didn't check your phone straight away to know he had or hadn't been in touch?

Goodlard · 16/12/2023 09:08

margotrose · 16/12/2023 09:08

But even if he'd text you earlier, you'd still have been asleep and woken up panicky wouldn't you? Because you didn't check your phone straight away to know he had or hadn't been in touch?

Exactly!

Pluviophile1 · 16/12/2023 09:09

Your new DH sounds like he is trying hard to take your worries and anxieties on board. Don't go leaping into 'I can't be with him any more' mindset after this. It seems like he had a bit too much and lost track of time. Yes, he should have contacted you but 'beer in, wits out'.

I agree with PP that you need to seek help for this or you are at risk of jeopardising this relationship with your very understanding new DH. He is not your ex and you being on a constant knife edge isn't healthy for your relationship.

Onelifeonly · 16/12/2023 09:13

MINKY75 · 16/12/2023 08:20

I don't 'keep on reminding him', this is the first time this has come up and only because of the same/time and date. We have have a happy marriage which is not impacted by this in any other way usually.

Show quote history

And yet in your original post you immediately jumped to not being able to continue the relationship. That was such a massive over-reaction. Yes he could have texted to say he'd be later BUT you found him downstairs when you did wake up so how do you know what time he came in? Also a late text could wake you and perhaps he was actually trying to be considerate. Or got drunk and lost track of time but still remembered not to crash into your bedroom. Perhaps it was a lot more fun than he anticipated - that does tend to distract from what's going on at home.

He went out, he came home. He isn't your ex. You need to deal with your feelings but you have no grounds to blame him for anything.

Swipe left for the next trending thread