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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to let my ex have our child for a Christmas event this weekend

86 replies

Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 22:51

I asked in early September if I could have our child this weekend, which is my ex's normal weekend. Ex is due to have our child for Christmas.

Ex immediately said yes. I arranged a big family event for tomorrow for lots of family who are travelling from far and wide.

I picked our child up early from school today for special family stuff. Ex called at school closing time in a rage asking where I have taken our child (apparently after finding out child wasn't there) and when I explained that we made this arrangement, demanded to know why I hadn't sent a reminder.

Evidently ex has made loads of plans. Even though ex has our child for Christmas, they were planning for tomorrow to be their big Christmas event (??). Many people have gone out of their way to attend at great expense.

Our child can't possibly attend both events as they are at exactly the same time.

AIBU to tell ex tough luck?

OP posts:
WorriedMum231 · 15/12/2023 22:53

You’re not his gatekeeper. You asked he agreed. He messed up and he’s trying to blame you, ignore him.

Honeyroar · 15/12/2023 22:53

I think particularly because the ex has her for Christmas you should definitely have this weekend. He forgot, it’s his problem. But he probably has a point that a reminder might have been a good idea.

Ktime · 15/12/2023 22:54

YANBU. Have you got a text or email you can shove in the twat’s face?

He is trying to sabotage your time with dc, he has no plans.

StarDolphins · 15/12/2023 22:55

My MIL DH I’d this once for a childcare day ‘should’ve reminded me’. Nope! If you agree to something, it’s your responsibility to put it in your diary.

I’d just say tough titty, you agreed the swap.

FictionalCharacter · 15/12/2023 22:56

He messed up because he forgot what the arrangements were, blew up at you, and blamed you for not reminding him? I bet you’re extremely glad he’s an ex!

Original poster
Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 22:56

@Honeyroar I will remind ex in the future, but they claim they had this plan in place before even agreeing to my request. So I assume if I had sent a reminder, this would just have been used as a reason to rescind our agreement.

OP posts:
x2boys · 15/12/2023 22:56

Rather than ask on here why not just act like a grown up.and try and reach a compromise?

Original poster
Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 22:57

@Ktime I agree it's shit, but I also think that ex legit messed up and now a lot of people will be disappointed.

Ex is an evil narcissist but I actually feel a bit bad. (Not bad enough to screw over all my guests though.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 22:58

@x2boys there is no possible compromise. We both have unmovable events.

OP posts:
Neitheronethingnortheother · 15/12/2023 22:58

x2boys · 15/12/2023 22:56

Rather than ask on here why not just act like a grown up.and try and reach a compromise?

But the OP has reached a compromise

The Ex has the child for Christmas so the OP is doing a big family celebration this weekend. That is the compromise.

It's the ex who is trying to mess up the compromise and personally I don't see why the OP should have to compromise further than they already have done.

SD1978 · 15/12/2023 23:00

Do you have in writing that this was previously agreed to. Do you have a court order. Will you sticking to this cause you serious issues in the future? Personally- sorry- depending on how long ago the arrangement was made I would have sent a reminder- just reminding you that we have swapped weekends, but that's up to you. Biggest thing for me would be what is the potential trial fallout from this, and is it worth it

Original poster
Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 23:00

WorriedMum231 · 15/12/2023 22:53

You’re not his gatekeeper. You asked he agreed. He messed up and he’s trying to blame you, ignore him.

So glad

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 23:02

@SD1978 yes, I immediately forwarded the email.

There is no court involvement.

The ex is a monster and probably will be horrible no matter what unfortunately.

OP posts:
MumChp · 15/12/2023 23:03

His problem. Not yours. I hope you have proof of the agreement.

SD1978 · 15/12/2023 23:06

And does he accept the email and the error is his? With these kind of situations- I always worry about what will happen after , what can he or do you think he might do since you're not changing your plans.

Original poster
Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 23:19

@SD1978 ex has acknowledged that it was all agreed to, but maintains that it's my fault nevertheless because this was a favour and I didn't remind them.

It's difficult to know what revenge might follow. Ex is always plotting against me (which I realise is creepy sounding, but it's true), so in some ways I don't think there's a clear revenge to be contemplated.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 23:23

You aren't your ex's secretary so as soon as they agreed to this arrangement they should have been an adult and made note of it.
This is their problem not yours.

miniegg3 · 15/12/2023 23:27

Unfortunately for him, he screwed up 🤷‍♀️

LorlieS · 15/12/2023 23:38

It's a total nightmare, I hear you.
Just err on the side of caution is my suggestion. If your ex is a "true" monster he could always go down the court route and trust me - that is hell as they favour fathers at all costs.

LorlieS · 15/12/2023 23:40

But I think you are in the right here - he forgot!

Kwasi · 15/12/2023 23:44

Am I right in thinking OP is the dad and it's the mum who's forgotten?

wildeflowers · 15/12/2023 23:49

Here we go, another manchild. He needs to take responsibility for himself. You're not his mother! Please tell him something along those lines!

Silvers11 · 15/12/2023 23:54

Kwasi · 15/12/2023 23:44

Am I right in thinking OP is the dad and it's the mum who's forgotten?

Could be either way - or a same sex couple? Not sure it really matters?

glossypeach · 16/12/2023 00:05

LorlieS · 15/12/2023 23:38

It's a total nightmare, I hear you.
Just err on the side of caution is my suggestion. If your ex is a "true" monster he could always go down the court route and trust me - that is hell as they favour fathers at all costs.

I agree with courts favouring fathers. My ex was abusive, failed drug testing multiple times and they still favoured him. But at the same time, you shouldn’t have to tiptoe your life around trying to cater towards your ex just for the sake of them potentially taking you to court/back to court. It’s exhausting, and when the ex knows that regardless how they act or treat you that you will still cater to them for peace - it’s not a nice way to live.

Original poster
Lolocopter · 16/12/2023 00:11

@glossypeach yeah, I am pretty sure ex would be encouraged in this behaviour if I were to give in every time.

Tbh maybe I would this time, but our child would be so upset with a change in plan

OP posts:
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