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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to let my ex have our child for a Christmas event this weekend

86 replies

Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 22:51

I asked in early September if I could have our child this weekend, which is my ex's normal weekend. Ex is due to have our child for Christmas.

Ex immediately said yes. I arranged a big family event for tomorrow for lots of family who are travelling from far and wide.

I picked our child up early from school today for special family stuff. Ex called at school closing time in a rage asking where I have taken our child (apparently after finding out child wasn't there) and when I explained that we made this arrangement, demanded to know why I hadn't sent a reminder.

Evidently ex has made loads of plans. Even though ex has our child for Christmas, they were planning for tomorrow to be their big Christmas event (??). Many people have gone out of their way to attend at great expense.

Our child can't possibly attend both events as they are at exactly the same time.

AIBU to tell ex tough luck?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 16/12/2023 00:35

@Silvers11 - mainly matters because all the (including mine) useless manchild, useless man expecting the woman to run around after them comments would be very out of turn- it changes not the response but the way you respond. My only question to OP really @Lolocopter- did you anticipate this which is why you removed the child from school early? If I'm honest- I'd be pretty pissed at that part. The rest you're well within your rights as they had agreed to the weekend- but the early school out without it being agreed and discussed would irritate me.

Kwasi · 16/12/2023 05:08

SD1978 · 16/12/2023 00:35

@Silvers11 - mainly matters because all the (including mine) useless manchild, useless man expecting the woman to run around after them comments would be very out of turn- it changes not the response but the way you respond. My only question to OP really @Lolocopter- did you anticipate this which is why you removed the child from school early? If I'm honest- I'd be pretty pissed at that part. The rest you're well within your rights as they had agreed to the weekend- but the early school out without it being agreed and discussed would irritate me.

Exactly. Everyone is quick to berate a father for this kind of behaviour but responses and tone might be different if it were the mother. Imagine the hell a man would get for referring to his DC's mother as a monster.

stepintochristmas1 · 16/12/2023 05:32

Where has OP said ex is a man ? Whatever ex is in the wrong .

helplesshopeless · 16/12/2023 06:03

Sounds exactly like my ex. And then the anxiety over his anger and potential repercussions would hang over me all weekend as a result!

I hope you have a fab Christmas weekend OP 🎄

Kwasi · 16/12/2023 06:07

stepintochristmas1 · 16/12/2023 05:32

Where has OP said ex is a man ? Whatever ex is in the wrong .

OP hasn't said but people are assuming, hence calling the ex a manchild.

Original poster
Lolocopter · 16/12/2023 06:39

@SD1978 actually it wasn't technically early at all, just earlier from after school club than usual. Ex arrived at the last possible moment to collect our child from the club.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolocopter · 16/12/2023 06:40

@helplesshopeless yes, this definitely is casting a pall over a weekend that otherwise would be very special. Thanks for the good wishes Flowers

OP posts:
amylou8 · 16/12/2023 07:03

OP has not gendered any one so is either Dad or trying to be woke. Not that it makes any difference which parent you are, the arrangement was made for your son or daughter, the other parent forgot and that's on them.

MadeForThis · 16/12/2023 07:07

It's not your responsibility to manage their diary.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 07:11

What do the kids want to attend?

PuttingDownRoots · 16/12/2023 07:14

I think Ex wins either way here...

They either got to take child to event or got to moan how horrible OP was at event

Redcar78 · 16/12/2023 07:16

Honeyroar · 15/12/2023 22:53

I think particularly because the ex has her for Christmas you should definitely have this weekend. He forgot, it’s his problem. But he probably has a point that a reminder might have been a good idea.

I'd imagine one of the reasons she divorced him was so she didn't have to do his thinking for him anymore. He can buy a calendar like any other adult 🤷‍♀️

SD1978 · 16/12/2023 07:23

@amylou8 - Im leaning towards it dad posting...l not that it matters, but it's also turned into a man bashing thread, when it's about disorganised parents, which doesn't always have to be the father.

Bournetilly · 16/12/2023 07:26

YANBU, your ex agreed to it and also has your DC for Christmas. I would have sent a reminder though (not that it should be needed).

Bournetilly · 16/12/2023 07:29

amylou8 · 16/12/2023 07:03

OP has not gendered any one so is either Dad or trying to be woke. Not that it makes any difference which parent you are, the arrangement was made for your son or daughter, the other parent forgot and that's on them.

From a previous post it’s mum posting.

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 07:30

You're not his/her PA why would you have to remind him/her. (S)He should update his/her phone calendar if (s)he can't remember. What a tosser.

Edited as I realised OP didn't say it was dad but I'd seen others say he so assumed they had.

PheobeBebe · 16/12/2023 07:34

What good would a reminder have done? You would have sent the reminder this week, he would have still made loads of plans for the weekend, argument would still have commenced! Yanbu

Theunamedcat · 16/12/2023 07:40

Beware of third party revenge too because the people who he made arrangements with will only have his side of the story 🙄

I put a text exchange up as my banner photo on Facebook once because he was telling lies about me "keeping the kids from him" it clearly showed him sending me abuse because I asked where he was when he was late getting the kids the last line was like fuck you bitch I'm not getting them at all now enjoy losing your job

Kinda shone some light on him and stopped them inboxing me

slashlover · 16/12/2023 07:52

amylou8 · 16/12/2023 07:03

OP has not gendered any one so is either Dad or trying to be woke. Not that it makes any difference which parent you are, the arrangement was made for your son or daughter, the other parent forgot and that's on them.

Or they're trying to weed out the bias that sometimes exists here.

How would it be woke?

McKenzieFriend001 · 16/12/2023 07:57

I would imagine the "revenge" will be that your ex will withhold your child/ren following the Christmas weekend they have them.

How old are they? (The kids - not your ex!)

Original poster
Lolocopter · 16/12/2023 07:59

@WandaWonder our child wants to stay with me. My child doesn't like seeing the other parent and says that everyone is unkind to them there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolocopter · 16/12/2023 08:00

@McKenzieFriend001 year 2 age

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolocopter · 16/12/2023 08:01

PuttingDownRoots · 16/12/2023 07:14

I think Ex wins either way here...

They either got to take child to event or got to moan how horrible OP was at event

100%. I wonder what sorts of nasty things will be said about me, and to whom

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 16/12/2023 08:03

OP, it is not your responsibility to remind your ex. It also isn't your responsibility to placate them, or to try to find a solution here.

They messed up. It's easier for them to blame you, than accept responsibility.

If this is repeated behaviour, in future, a shared Google calendar might help. I have one with ex, and he can either check or ignore it as he likes. I also recommend taking screenshots of messages when he agrees to changes. Mine used to delete messages and try to claim he'd never agreed.

Peablockfeathers · 16/12/2023 08:07

I doubt they have anything planned anyway. Its either they forgot (their responsibility to remember) and are lashing out as they feel embarrassed they contacted the school; or they know full well what was agreed and are determined to ruin it.

You have it in email, not your job to remind a grown adult of something so important- I bet if you had they'd have intercepted you at school anyway to be spiteful or said no you can't anymore.

Try and enjoy your weekend, they seem to agree it was indeed planned and if they're a nasty person anyway I'm sure they'd twist whatever to make you feel bad!

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