Not to let my ex have our child for a Christmas event this weekend

[Lolocopter]

I asked in early September if I could have our child this weekend, which is my ex's normal weekend. Ex is due to have our child for Christmas.

Ex immediately said yes. I arranged a big family event for tomorrow for lots of family who are travelling from far and wide.

I picked our child up early from school today for special family stuff. Ex called at school closing time in a rage asking where I have taken our child (apparently after finding out child wasn't there) and when I explained that we made this arrangement, demanded to know why I hadn't sent a reminder.

Evidently ex has made loads of plans. Even though ex has our child for Christmas, they were planning for tomorrow to be their big Christmas event (??). Many people have gone out of their way to attend at great expense.

Our child can't possibly attend both events as they are at exactly the same time.

AIBU to tell ex tough luck?

I wonder if there even is an event or is he trying to save face for forgetting? I actually also wonder if he even forgot or, like a pp points out, he recognised an opportunity where he could 'win' either way. By agreeing and then 'forgetting' he gets to ruin your weekend just as effectively as refusing in the first place.

It's not really a "win" is it. If they want to spew vile about you then they'll just come across incredibly bitter.

Just send him the dialogue where your ex agreed.

Me and my ex have a spreadsheet of the whole year to get round previous issues like this. Any agreed changes get updated. Tedious but it has stopped any 'misunderstandings'

@Borris ex actually would prefer to leave the entire year unscheduled so that every single event has to be negotiated at the last minute. The only reason we even have any kind of schedule is because I force it each academic year. Ex would never ever ever share a calendar, unfortunately. Though maybe this is an opportunity to push for this ...

@geckofrog I don't understand it either, but there is a class of people who get off on constant drama and power plays

I hope you have a brilliant weekend op. Please don't let exp spoil it for you (even in the background).

I know others have suggested a shared calendar. I just wanted to give an alternative view before you go down that route. A long time ago I was the new GF of a man like your exp.

If she gave him an inch he would try for a mile. He could never see anything from anyone else's perspective other than his - right that minute. He was a right old pita. That is why he is an ex!

I would stick to your weekends, confirm everything in writing like you are doing & just be super consistent plus recognise you'll never avoid this kind of drama but at least it's contained & not every week.

If you do need to swap, do it like this but try to minimise those times even if it is a right old pain.

If you shared a diary you could find a whole extra load of nonsense to deal with and being asked to swap more etc. which I imagine you'd be best avoiding xx

YABU

BUT a simple text a few days ago wouldn't have hurt.

When I make plans with anyone in advance i or they always text a few days before to check all still going ahead

YANBU I meant

You'd agreed, I wouldn't remind him of anything, unless you want to be his PA.

Keep everything in writing with a man like this, as otherwise they claim it didn't happen.

Don't give a moments thought to what he is or isn't telling family. You know he'll make up lies to save face, plus you never have to see those people again, so don't waste headspace on them.

I hope you and your DC have a wonderful time this weekend!

If he’s as horrible as you say I wouldn’t put it passed him to not have forgotten, but to have landed this on purpose to upset you and ruin your weekend

I don't recommend a shared calendar with a man like this.

Im future maybe just stick to the regular schedule.

You are his ex not his PA. my ex messed about a bit at the start of our co parenting and I stood my ground he doesn't mess about as much now (cancels contact a lot but when things are changed he knows I won't be his PA and remind him).

Enjoy today. Grey rock him. Don't read his messages this weekend and enjoy your Christmas with your child xx

@Honeyroar

But he probably has a point that a reminder might have been a good idea.

I'm always surprised when I see this type of comment (especially when it's the female supposed to remind the male). Digital calendars are pretty efficient - I wonder why he didn't just put this event in his calendar? Or was he waiting for the opportunity to put his Ex in the wrong? 🌹

Oh dear….that’s unfortunate for him. You of course are in the right here, and I would plough on with your plans and not answer his messages. I reckon his big plans are totally fabricated to try to make his point more valid. Ignore. And buy him a diary for Xmas….

You’re probably not forgetful then! I am sometimes and the odd reminder helps. It works both ways. We’d remind my husband’s ex and she’d remind us.

This is your only mistake OP.

The intention is to try to spoil your family event. Don't allow this.

Forget about everything else and enjoy your family Christmas celebration.

🎄✨☃🎉🍾

If ex had genuinely already made the plans he'd have immediately said no to your request.

He hadn't, he either did this on purpose or did not listen to you.

He screwed up not putting it in his diary.

You know what he's like. It's why he's an ex.

So yes, a reminder would have been wise.

No, DC can't be in two places at once.

Sadly, ex will be telling everyone how you deliberately ruined the family plans - may be time to ensure everyone knows the truth, including the Christmas plans.

And bombard him with reminders next time.

It’s a good job you didn’t send a reminder. Because then he would have changed his mind about you having DC and refused to let you.

So many posters are so aggressive. It reminds me of a friend who used to work on the Jeremy Kyle show. It was the job of runners to wind up participants as much as possible so that they would be aggressive to family on air.
OP, this is your child's father. Be as courteous as possible. I would definitely have sent a reminder. Can you compromise in any way? So many posters screaming for you to act aggressively and put him in his place. Your poor child. Deal with it with grace and be as helpful as possible. Everyone makes mistakes. If you deal with him by showing kindness and compassion it will ultimately be the best for your child.
I think many MN posters come from the school of Jeremy Kyle, how to wind up everyone to cause the most upset.

Posters are aggressive because they are assuming OP is a mum and the ex is a dad.

I always feel so sorry for the actual children stuck in the middle of this.
so much tension. I expect they are utterly relieved when they are old enough to tell parents and the family court to do one and spend their free time with their mates

It sounds like you knew he'd/she'd forgotten, as you picked up your child early from school. And you sent no reminder.

Poor child, they obviously have two ex's for parents who are toxic parenting together. It takes 2 to end up with this nasty situation and the child will know about it and it will taint christmas memories. Kids are not daft.

You need to try harder at adulting the pair of you.

She picked him up from after school club - not early from school.

The ex got there right at the end of after school club.

It is possible to read all the OP’s posts without wading through the whole thread. (Actually, this is often a good idea, as other posters can be more angry on the OP’s behalf than the OP is themself.)

I hope that you don't imply what you feel about your ex in front of your DC. That's an awful thing to say even if you do think that.
Remember your DC is half of your ex, & children do get very damaged being in the middle of this stuff.

Is it? I’ve just read through (using see all posts by OP) and I can’t see any confirmation of that. I was surprised that so many people went straight to the poster being female because I thought male.

It takes 2 to end up with this nasty situation

Not if one of them is abusive. Making comments like this helps abusers and makes it harder for victims to resist being pushed around.

Sometimes there is one parent who is abusive and willing to harm the children to get at their ex and another who cares deeply about the children and is working tirelessly to keep them safe without allowing their ex to continue controlling and abusing them at every turn.