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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to let my ex have our child for a Christmas event this weekend

86 replies

Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 22:51

I asked in early September if I could have our child this weekend, which is my ex's normal weekend. Ex is due to have our child for Christmas.

Ex immediately said yes. I arranged a big family event for tomorrow for lots of family who are travelling from far and wide.

I picked our child up early from school today for special family stuff. Ex called at school closing time in a rage asking where I have taken our child (apparently after finding out child wasn't there) and when I explained that we made this arrangement, demanded to know why I hadn't sent a reminder.

Evidently ex has made loads of plans. Even though ex has our child for Christmas, they were planning for tomorrow to be their big Christmas event (??). Many people have gone out of their way to attend at great expense.

Our child can't possibly attend both events as they are at exactly the same time.

AIBU to tell ex tough luck?

OP posts:

Bournetilly · 16/12/2023 15:40

Latenightreader · 16/12/2023 15:29

Is it? I’ve just read through (using see all posts by OP) and I can’t see any confirmation of that. I was surprised that so many people went straight to the poster being female because I thought male.

Show quote history

Sorry I meant a previous thread.

Notmetoo · 16/12/2023 15:40

x2boys · 15/12/2023 22:56

Rather than ask on here why not just act like a grown up.and try and reach a compromise?

It sounds as though a compromise isn't possible as both events are at the same time.

Latenightreader · 16/12/2023 15:41

Bournetilly · 16/12/2023 15:40

Sorry I meant a previous thread.

Show quote history

Ah, thank you.

Haydenn · 16/12/2023 16:47

The amount of women on mumsnet who leave relationships (or talk about leaving relationships) because they are sick of carrying the mental load and taking care of men as well as children is staggering. In this case the OP has left her relationship, and is still expected to be a planner for her ex and remind him about things.

it isn’t her job or place to do this!!! And if she starts this kind of management she’ll fall into having to remind him about everything

Honeyroar · 16/12/2023 17:44

Nobody actually said she is expected to or that it was her place!! Or that he should get his way. Or that she was unreasonable.Just that sometimes it helps (on both sides) to remind each other of changes to the norm. Not all divorced parents have to ignore each other and be as unhelpful as possible at every opportunity…

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/12/2023 19:25

Lolocopter · 15/12/2023 23:19

@SD1978 ex has acknowledged that it was all agreed to, but maintains that it's my fault nevertheless because this was a favour and I didn't remind them.

It's difficult to know what revenge might follow. Ex is always plotting against me (which I realise is creepy sounding, but it's true), so in some ways I don't think there's a clear revenge to be contemplated.

If revenge is likely then you need to go all out on empathizing with him blaming your relatives and thanking him again for swapping the weekends- massage his ego

Kwasi · 16/12/2023 21:27

Haydenn · 16/12/2023 16:47

it isn’t her job or place to do this!!! And if she starts this kind of management she’ll fall into having to remind him about everything

OP hasn't said if they're a man or a woman

Original poster

Lolocopter · 17/12/2023 00:48

Ex has now emailed to say they want to deduct the cost of the missed plans from our child's maintenance this month.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 17/12/2023 01:08

Lolocopter · 17/12/2023 00:48

Ex has now emailed to say they want to deduct the cost of the missed plans from our child's maintenance this month.

Tell them that's not appropriate or reasonable because the mistake was theirs, perhaps the extra cost can serve as a reminder to them to keep track of changes they have agreed to.

Loopy3585 · 17/12/2023 01:09

Maintenance has nothing to do with his missed plans. Maintenance is towards the child’s cost of living. Tell him to jog on and if you don’t like it you’ll go through cms

McKenzieFriend001 · 17/12/2023 10:58

It clearly sounds like you might benefit from a formal CMS arrangement and a child arrangements order through the family court. You would have to attempt mediation first, prior to making an application using the form C100 which you can fill in online.

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