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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh said he recorded me and showed to others

104 replies

Poorstickman · 15/12/2023 15:18

We had a huge argument at the weekend, we both said lots of nasty things and it was really awful 😞 I’ve tried and tried to save things but he always shuts me down and will never talk about things or hear me out. Whilst he was shouting me down, I started to get more upset and was shouting back and he said that he’d recorded me when we had an argument before and showed people and they agree I’m crazy
I feel sick as know I’m not
Aibu or is this a really wrong thing to do?

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 15/12/2023 17:49

Lachimolala · 15/12/2023 16:45

This happened to me. He then showed it all his friends, colleagues and family. Even my own family. It’s an abusive tactic designed to isolate you from your support system, comes under the umbrella of smear campaign.

Bet he didn’t record himself bullying and berating you at length did he? Course he didn’t. Manipulative and cruel.

This ☝🏻 OP beware this man, he is dangerous.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 15/12/2023 17:56

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 15:23

he said that he’d recorded me when we had an argument before and showed people and they agree I’m crazy

I strongly doubt that he actually did record you and show it to people. This sounds like a nasty, immature lie calculated to hurt and scare you rather than a real thing he actually did.

However, whether he actually did this or not, he sounds like a horrible man and I think you would be better off out of this relationship.

Either way they are both disgusting and horrible things to do to your partner.

ALongHardWinter · 15/12/2023 17:57

He sounds like an absolute dick.

Minion21 · 15/12/2023 17:57

Some posters don't have the slightest idea of what they're talking about: as a therapist once told me, recording partners during arguments is often a tactic used by manipulative people. OP, end your marriage for your own sanity.

Namechange1990 · 15/12/2023 18:14

my Ex partner did this to me as well he would film to suit him and showed my whole family…. it only got worse from there this is just the start. Leave before it gets worse

AnneValentine · 15/12/2023 18:21

lljkk · 15/12/2023 15:26

Would the responses be same if OP were female & had had to content with abusive shouty nasty words from a male partner?

What did she do with it? Show all his mates? Her mates? And then taunt him? Yes. That’s abuse.

did she do it and keep it to herself for evidence so she can escape. No.

Missingmyusername · 15/12/2023 18:23

Marriage is done, regardless.

Could be calling your bluff?

bombastix · 15/12/2023 18:24

Divorce

Kath85 · 15/12/2023 18:26

This

ActDottie · 15/12/2023 18:30

That is such a breach of trust. Yanbu.

Greenpolkadot · 15/12/2023 18:33

You don't need this OP.
You deserve better.

Snowdogsmitten · 15/12/2023 18:40

He’s abusive. He’s using age old abuse tactics to fundamentally destroy your sense of self. How bad you feel right now? Yeah, that was his goal. Leave.

MsRosley · 15/12/2023 18:43

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 15:23

he said that he’d recorded me when we had an argument before and showed people and they agree I’m crazy

I strongly doubt that he actually did record you and show it to people. This sounds like a nasty, immature lie calculated to hurt and scare you rather than a real thing he actually did.

However, whether he actually did this or not, he sounds like a horrible man and I think you would be better off out of this relationship.

Every word of this.

Not19foreverpullyourselftogether · 15/12/2023 18:48

He is abusive abd you deserve better than a life like this. Would you like support to LTB?

MeinKraft · 15/12/2023 18:49

So he goads you until you lose it and then records you. This is totally toxic, Jonny Depp and Amber Heard type stuff. Even they had the sense to split.

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 15/12/2023 18:50

Poorstickman · 15/12/2023 16:35

Thanks everyone, feel really strange scout it. It’s actually him that says all the hateful words and swearing and then I end up nearly at breaking point and get really upset, it’s then he says I’m insane in the head etc
I’m not sure if he’s just making it up, but yes if he has recorded me, I hope he recorded his part in things too

What does reactive abuse mean?

You need to get out as soon as you can, he will destroy your mental health and then it will be even harder to leave.

Do you have kids together @Poorstickman ?

fetchacloth · 15/12/2023 18:51

YANBU. Divorce him.

WhatNoUsername · 15/12/2023 19:00

Poorstickman · 15/12/2023 16:35

Thanks everyone, feel really strange scout it. It’s actually him that says all the hateful words and swearing and then I end up nearly at breaking point and get really upset, it’s then he says I’m insane in the head etc
I’m not sure if he’s just making it up, but yes if he has recorded me, I hope he recorded his part in things too

What does reactive abuse mean?

This is a classic tactic of abusers. Antagonise and bait you you up by being vile and not letting you talk until you can't take any more and you explode, and then they call you crazy and over emotional and unstable and abusive etc etc. He's gone one further be recording you and humiliating and degrading you in public. What an absolute areehole.

befuddledmonster · 15/12/2023 19:01

my narcissistic abusive ex did this to me all the time 'all my mates think you are mad' 'im videoing you for evidence' ive got it all on tape'. He would shout at me for hours until i broke and then recorded me and told everyone that is how i always am to him. never showed the bullying from him, the shouting at my son for nothing, screaming at me for being useless at everything... no, just me finally having a gut full. It's actually something every narc abuser does (ive been through therapy and women's aid - they said it's like they have a user guide to follow)

From experience - leave him now. Dont tell him you're going, wait til he is out, pack everything you need and want and get the hell out of there to some where safe. Block his calls, emails and everything and file for divorce. DOnt let him back into your life - they dont let you get away twice! Trust me - this is the start and it gets worse.

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/12/2023 19:12

How did he record you without you knowing? Is the house bugged?

ManchesterLu · 15/12/2023 19:12

Whether he actually did this or he's making it up, it would be the end for me.

NerdyIsMyMiddleName · 15/12/2023 19:13

No one who loves you would do this. Get out.

samqueens · 15/12/2023 19:22

I’m sorry you’re going through this. He is probably lying about the recording - he just wants to get in your head and make you feel terrible about yourself.

TBH this is a classic ploy of abusive men (the getting in your head, not the recording). I really recommend reading the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Read discreetly on kindle app or Apple Books - don’t tell him obviously) and then decide what you want to do…

bombastix · 15/12/2023 19:22

If you don't leave you will be mentally destroyed by this man until you are a shell of yourself.

It happens more than you think. The cheery husband who lovely to everyone and the desperate, overstretched wife who gets quieter and quieter with every year.

Universalsnail · 15/12/2023 19:25

This would be a deal breaker for me. I would end this relationship

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