Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh said he recorded me and showed to others

104 replies

Poorstickman · 15/12/2023 15:18

We had a huge argument at the weekend, we both said lots of nasty things and it was really awful 😞 I’ve tried and tried to save things but he always shuts me down and will never talk about things or hear me out. Whilst he was shouting me down, I started to get more upset and was shouting back and he said that he’d recorded me when we had an argument before and showed people and they agree I’m crazy
I feel sick as know I’m not
Aibu or is this a really wrong thing to do?

OP posts:
DidiAskYouThough · 15/12/2023 15:49

Just get divorced, you only get one life, why throw it away on this nonsense when you could be enjoying yourself.

Verv · 15/12/2023 15:51

DidiAskYouThough · 15/12/2023 15:49

Just get divorced, you only get one life, why throw it away on this nonsense when you could be enjoying yourself.

This x 2

EvilElsa · 15/12/2023 15:52

Same as others here, that would be it for me. I couldn't come back from that. Record yourself telling him you want a divorce for being a manipulative, deceiving shit (don't really, but do get a divorce).

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 15/12/2023 15:54

mottytotty · 15/12/2023 15:48

Did you miss that he shouted OP down?

Show quote history

No I didn't miss that. I'm just saying I'd love to hear his side too. She may feel her behaviour in arguments is within the boundaries of what’s normal. It may not be. They might both be toxic. We don’t know.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 15/12/2023 15:55

But if things are at that stage it's most likely dead in the water anyway.

Frasers · 15/12/2023 16:01

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 15/12/2023 15:54

No I didn't miss that. I'm just saying I'd love to hear his side too. She may feel her behaviour in arguments is within the boundaries of what’s normal. It may not be. They might both be toxic. We don’t know.

Show quote history

Absolutely. I simply don’t get the whole. The op says it’s him and his fault so that means it is and he’s the problem. That might be true, but clearly they are past the point of no return, she said they have screaming matches where they say nasty things. He recorded her on a previous shouting match.

if your relationship is in such a way you both do this. And it is both, then it’s over. Arguing about who is worst is pointless. It’s over.

Wheresthebeach · 15/12/2023 16:03

Leave. No excuse for trying to humiliate you like that. What will he record next?

saffronsoup · 15/12/2023 16:06

Beezknees · 15/12/2023 15:31

Record it to report it to the authorities. Not to show everyone just to talk about how "crazy" your partner is.

Show quote history

I can see showing it to a few people to see if your view is accurate. If someone is telling you they aren't mistreating you but you think they are then getting a friend to assess can be helpful. Just like people post their fights on here and ask others what they think.

FartSock5000 · 15/12/2023 16:12

@Poorstickman its hard for you to see the truth now because you have been well trained to see what he wants you to see but you are in an abusive relationship and this man does not love or respect you.

He is deliberately winding you up then recording you to show off how crazy you are to win others over to "his side".

This isn't what we do when we love and respect someone. This is abusive.

Please try hard to leave. Your brain gets addicted to the highs and lows of abusive relationships and it will be harder and harder to go.

You stay and he will end up dumping you but not before he has turned you into a nothing-husk of who you were. All your light will be gone and you won't know who you are anymore.

NOTHING excuses what he is doing. Your brain will try to rationalise it and blame you. If you didnt react or scream back or fight back, then everything would be ok. You made it worse etc. None of that is true.

Holdingontilljuly · 15/12/2023 16:13

End it now. That is not the action of a long term supportive partner.

He is laying the groundwork for ‘I told you she was crazy’. Divorce will be a battle if you have kids so prepare yourself

hsapposhit · 15/12/2023 16:14

This marriage is over.
You are both shouting at each other.
He shouldn't be recording you and showing it to friends, but it also shouldn't get that far in the first place.
If you can't communicate without yelling at each other you should split.

horseyhorsey17 · 15/12/2023 16:14

If he's actually done this then he's an insane psychopath and you should be making an exit strategy.

AInightingale · 15/12/2023 16:16

Ah yes, 'crazy', Where would men be without that word.

Ex called me that, along with 'nutter' and 'demonically possessed.'

His next partner (lasted 18 months) was also apparently crazy, psycho, and unstable. And his new relationship has hit the rocks. Another crazy 'nightmare'. Fancy that, what's the chances.

You're not crazy OP. It was an argument and he broke every convention of confidentiality in your marriage in the most shameless way. The police etc need authorisation at the highest level to record people covertly in their own homes. It's a massive intrusion on a person's privacy and dignity. He's totally out of order here.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 15/12/2023 16:17

LTB. You might feel like you don’t want to but by God you should. Nobody who loves you would treat you like that.

Yalta · 15/12/2023 16:20

Wonder if he recorded his verbal attack and showed that as well as your reaction. Or did he just say that you just started to verbally attack him without any reason

Neitheronethingnortheother · 15/12/2023 16:31

Whether or not you were being abusive and he recorded you to check that with friends or he's another idiot with a supposedly "crazy" partner you both sound deeply unhappy in the relationship and past the point of no return

Divorce him and enjoy some peace and quiet and being able to live your life without shouting

Lorrymum · 15/12/2023 16:32

Total betrayal of trust and incredibly childish.

MushMonster · 15/12/2023 16:34

He is gaslighting you.
Now, that I have learnt not to ever put up with. It does not get any better.
He can get lost, forever.

Original poster
Poorstickman · 15/12/2023 16:35

Thanks everyone, feel really strange scout it. It’s actually him that says all the hateful words and swearing and then I end up nearly at breaking point and get really upset, it’s then he says I’m insane in the head etc
I’m not sure if he’s just making it up, but yes if he has recorded me, I hope he recorded his part in things too

What does reactive abuse mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Poorstickman · 15/12/2023 16:36

@MushMonster For what reason? So I do what?

OP posts:
fussychica · 15/12/2023 16:44

Wow, just wow, some bloody awful men out there. Sorry, that would be the end for me.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 15/12/2023 16:45

Frasers · 15/12/2023 15:28

Exactly.

Show quote history

Did either of you read the OP's Original Post?

Her husband was SHOUTING at her.

They both said lots of nasty things.

'He always shuts me down and will never talk about things or hear me out'

'Whilst HE was SHOUTING me down, I started to get MORE UPSET and was shouting BACĶ'

So@lljkk and @Frasers the OP
(@Poorstickman ) probably is Female, and she did have to contend with

"abusive nasty shouty words"
from a male partner, so I am not quite sure what point you are trying to make here?

Of course, if the OP had been the one to make a recording and had then shown it to other people, she would have been the one who was a complete shit, and if she found herself being divorced over it then maybe she could work on her personality before going into a new relationship.

But it wasn't the OP being* a complete shit, it was her male partner! *

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 16:45

lljkk · 15/12/2023 15:26

Would the responses be same if OP were female & had had to content with abusive shouty nasty words from a male partner?

This wasn't a case of the OP abusing her partner while he silently sat there, though. The OP says that he shouted at her and wouldn't let her speak, then when she shouted back he started calling her crazy. They were both shouting and both said some unpleasant things, but the clear implication here is that the OP did not start the shouting and also that her husband thinks it's OK for him to shout at her, but if she shouts too then she must be 'crazy' (classic misogynistic thinking and gaslighting).

I also think if she claimed to have recorded him and shown it to all their friends who all agreed he was crazy, and she had done this for no purpose other than taunting him with that in an argument, then yes, my response would still be the same. If someone actually is so abusive that you need to record them because there's the possibility of violence and/or a court case, then you keep the recording somewhere safe until you need it to show the police/social worker etc. You don't a) share it with mates and b) tell your partner about it.

Lachimolala · 15/12/2023 16:45

This happened to me. He then showed it all his friends, colleagues and family. Even my own family. It’s an abusive tactic designed to isolate you from your support system, comes under the umbrella of smear campaign.

Bet he didn’t record himself bullying and berating you at length did he? Course he didn’t. Manipulative and cruel.

Frasers · 15/12/2023 16:48

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 16:45

This wasn't a case of the OP abusing her partner while he silently sat there, though. The OP says that he shouted at her and wouldn't let her speak, then when she shouted back he started calling her crazy. They were both shouting and both said some unpleasant things, but the clear implication here is that the OP did not start the shouting and also that her husband thinks it's OK for him to shout at her, but if she shouts too then she must be 'crazy' (classic misogynistic thinking and gaslighting).

I also think if she claimed to have recorded him and shown it to all their friends who all agreed he was crazy, and she had done this for no purpose other than taunting him with that in an argument, then yes, my response would still be the same. If someone actually is so abusive that you need to record them because there's the possibility of violence and/or a court case, then you keep the recording somewhere safe until you need it to show the police/social worker etc. You don't a) share it with mates and b) tell your partner about it.

Show quote history

In this argument, he didn’t record this argument, he recorded a previous one. She has not commented on that one.