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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn’t want to make him food

103 replies

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 06:55

Some context needed. I have three kids, work as teacher and I’m doing an MA with a big assignment coming up. Yesterday, I had worked all day, picked up the kids, came home to cook dinner, do two loads of washing, play with my 6 year old and put him to bed. I then had to iron a school skirt and do a couple of jobs for work. This is the first evening all week I’ve had 20 minutes to watch something on telly and just relax DP texts as I shut my computer asking me to put some food on for him.

He’s been at work drinks but won’t eat in front of other people- it’s a thing for him but I have said for him to please not ask me to cook like this before. He would cook for me if it was the other way around- I just wouldn’t ask him to as I’d eat earlier in the day.

I made him food and then I was just fed up so I went to bed and when he came up I told him I had a headache that’s why Id gone to bed and not waited for him. AIBU to not want to make him food? I don’t want him to be starving and come in to nothing if he hasn’t eaten all day- but I think he should eat before he goes out.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2023 06:57

If he wants food he has what you made earlier, heated up. You shouldn’t have to start cooking again.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/12/2023 06:57

Couldn't he have just made himself some beans on toast? I mean, if all you were doing was chucking a ready meal in the oven then fine but if he was expecting you to properly cook then no he's an arse.

Dacadactyl · 15/12/2023 06:58

I might be missing the point but why are you cooking twice? If you've already cooked for you and the kids, is there not enough leftover for him to bung in the microwave?

I wouldn't cook 2 separate meals for anyone in my house, EVER. People would be left hungry here.

DustyLee123 · 15/12/2023 07:01

Once I’d left food for my DH, it’s what me and the kids had for tea. He rang on the way home to ask what was for tea, decided he didn’t want it so that went in the bin, and he got himself a pizza on the way home. I never cooked and left food for him again.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/12/2023 07:01

Of course you aren't unreasonable. He has hands, he is capable of getting himself food.

margotrose · 15/12/2023 07:03

I can't believe you got up and made him something Blush

Let him ask all he wants - he's a grown man and capable of feeding himself after going out with his mates.

Doingmybest12 · 15/12/2023 07:04

I can not imagine as an adult contacting someone on my way home to say will you cook for me ? Especially after a social get to gether. Either you get left overs or you make something on toast yourself. I could imagine checking if someone plans to be late asking what are you doing about eating and agreeing to leave left overs or agreeing they'll get something themselves. Or if I was going to get chips on the way home maybe checking food won't be wasted but yo ask will you cook no..

IamnotSethRogan · 15/12/2023 07:12

Well what was it you cooked for him? If it was throwing a pizza in the oven and he was starving then I don't think it's a big deal, DH and I would do this for eachother without thinking about it but I cam understand if you had to properly cook why you're feeling put out

It sounds like you've got a lot on!

Fraaahnces · 15/12/2023 07:14

I’d just text him and say, “I was finished with cooking for the kids and I, eating and cleaning up at x time. I’m tired from my own busy day at work and have done two loads of washing, ironing for tomorrow, picked up the kids and done bath and bedtime plus extra work on my assignment and prepared work for tomorrow. From now on your eating disorder is not my problem. Don’t order me to put food on for you on evenings like that anymore.”

wildwestpioneer · 15/12/2023 07:17

I think you need to make it clear to him he either eats whatever you cooked earlier, reheated or makes his own. I know you sis she was at a Xmas party, but does he often expect you to make him something? I presume he much be ravenous if he won't eat in front of other people.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 15/12/2023 07:19

I agree with PPs that what he was asking for is relevant. Putting a frozen pizza in the oven so it's ready when he gets back - fine. If he was expecting an actual cooked meal - then no.

coodawoodashooda · 15/12/2023 07:21

I can't imagine phoning with that instruction either

Beautiful3 · 15/12/2023 07:29

I would get those frozen pizzas and tell him to cook one if those or make beans on toast. I wouldn't have made it, if I was busy like you. When my husband goes out, he grabs a takeaway on the way back and eats it. Why didn't he do that?

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 15/12/2023 07:31

This is what kebab shops are for.

amylou8 · 15/12/2023 07:33

Chucking a tray of nuggets and chips in the oven so it's cooked when he gets in...no big deal. Making a proper meal...not a chance. Could you not have made an extra portion of what you and the kids were eating?

Heronwatcher · 15/12/2023 07:34

Why an earth didn’t he either get himself something on the way home or just make himself a sandwich when he got in?

There is absolutely NO WAY I’d put up with this, I’d make it clear that if he wants dinner after being out late he makes it himself. What my partner and I tend to do is chat/ text during the day, and we will ask whether the other one wants dinner (which would be cooked at the same time as all the other food and then left to one side), but if the person who has said no changes their mind, no way would either of us start cooking again.

Does he share the cooking/ housework generally?

Lolovans · 15/12/2023 07:36

If my husband is out I'll sometime call him and ask if he wants the oven heated, but he would NEVER ask me to cook for him.

HeraSyndulla · 15/12/2023 07:38

Then don’t cook anything. He’ll survive.

shepherdsangeldelight · 15/12/2023 07:42

You're not unreasonable not to want to make him food if you don't want to.

But, if you didn't want to, you needed to reply to his text telling him you wouldn't and he'd have to just make himself something quickly when he got in. And he needs to make other arrangements for similar situations in the future. (Including the obvious solution that you just leave him whatever you had to reheat).

Making food anyway and then going to bed with a pretend headache is not going to resolve anything.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/12/2023 07:42

He is being a complete knob. Surely he could make himself some toast? Even my rubbish cook of a DH can manage that.

Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:46

He asked for pasta. He’s a very fussy eater- so it’s not much effort to make but still takes faffing around in the kitchen.

OP posts:
alwaystroubleonmn · 15/12/2023 07:48

I don’t understand- you’d made dinner when you got home, surely you made enough for him to reheat later? Or do you not normally cater for the whole family when you cook - they seems a bit mean.

EtiennePalmiere · 15/12/2023 07:49

Why did you do it ? Was he appreciative ? Sorry but he sounds a little pathetic, like a child

Ophy83 · 15/12/2023 07:49

The easiest option if you know he struggles eating when out and about is to make enough dinner for all of you, and save a plate of food for him to heat up when he gets in, there's no need to cook twice.

Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:50

This is the thing- yes he’s really good (now!) at sharing the household stuff. The thing is he has lots of food issues - textures are hard for him and he is veggie so if he’s going to be out I can make something the kids will like and don’t have to worry about his food dislikes.

OP posts:
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