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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn’t want to make him food

103 replies

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 06:55

Some context needed. I have three kids, work as teacher and I’m doing an MA with a big assignment coming up. Yesterday, I had worked all day, picked up the kids, came home to cook dinner, do two loads of washing, play with my 6 year old and put him to bed. I then had to iron a school skirt and do a couple of jobs for work. This is the first evening all week I’ve had 20 minutes to watch something on telly and just relax DP texts as I shut my computer asking me to put some food on for him.

He’s been at work drinks but won’t eat in front of other people- it’s a thing for him but I have said for him to please not ask me to cook like this before. He would cook for me if it was the other way around- I just wouldn’t ask him to as I’d eat earlier in the day.

I made him food and then I was just fed up so I went to bed and when he came up I told him I had a headache that’s why Id gone to bed and not waited for him. AIBU to not want to make him food? I don’t want him to be starving and come in to nothing if he hasn’t eaten all day- but I think he should eat before he goes out.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 15/12/2023 10:26

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 10:12

What? First her DH wasn’t working late he was at a jolly, secondly instead of saying that he should cook his own meals when she’s that busy,
she subserviently asked him to let her know in advance instead.

If your DH has a tendency to punish you for being out that’s your own problem, it’s not normal.

Show quote history

You’ve miscomprehended quite a few things there. I said ‘when I work late or go out after work’ - aka including on a ‘jolly’ as you so resentfully call it. I also didn’t say or even come close to implying that my DH had a tendency to punish me for being out, what I said was that if he behaved as you propose OP should and refused to make me dinner at the same time as making it for myself and the children (which is what OP entirely reasonably proposed he ask her to do instead, and for which you called her ‘subservient’ and ‘weird’) I would consider that to be an effort to punish me for being out late. Deliberately withholding the family evening meal (which he presumably jointly funds) from your spouse when they go out, as you suggest, is what’s not normal.

SENDhelp2023 · 15/12/2023 10:28

Hes an adult but you should of just said no

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 10:31

@littlehorsesthatrun

OP you haven’t answered anyone who has queried as to why he simply couldn’t have made his own pasta when he came in? It’s hardly like it takes ages to make.
Why did you have to make it for him?

Inertia · 15/12/2023 10:42

He's utterly disrespectful.

If he has issues eating with other people, it's his own responsibility to cook for himself before he goes out. At the very least, he could have asked you to save him some dinner when you cooked earlier. But no, he expects you to complete a full day at work, then work more at home while also taking care of children, cooking and household tasks, and then conjure up a meal for him on demand after he's been out boozing.

I'd have told him no, I'm still working.

Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 10:47

On the school run and then work! He doesn’t eat all day and he asked nicely- he didn’t order me to do it. I was torn between being kind to him and feeling fed up. He would cook for me if I asked him but was just really tired. He does cook three nights a week so he isn’t the man child i probably made him sound in my post. The food issues are exhausting to be honest.

OP posts:
DurhamDurham · 15/12/2023 10:52

If you knew he was going out for work drinks (not clear from your post) and that he won't eat in front of other people you could have anticipated that he'd want something to eat when he got home. You could have made him something when you were doing the kids dinner.

I certainly wouldn't have been cooking for him later, he could easily have made his own meal/snack when he got home.

Heronwatcher · 15/12/2023 10:53

He might ask nicely, so what, if you’re knackered and you’ve cooked once you can say no… nicely (or not). Surely if he’s a decent bloke, if you said “sorry babe I’m absolutely knackered, planning on getting an early night or vegging on the sofa, just can’t face the bloody kitchen again after the day I’ve had” that would be the end of it? If he makes you feel guilty/ like you’re being difficult then he’s not a decent bloke.

If he has these eating foibles then he’s absolutely got to start working things out himself- no need to be nasty, just a few boundaries. If you martyr yourself to him you’ll end up completely resentful.

DurhamDurham · 15/12/2023 10:53

I don't think Youre unreasonable for going to bed, we rarely wait up for each other. I love an early night when I've got the house to myself Smile

Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 10:54

I know what you’re saying but Ive said to another poster I have asked him before not to ask me on the way home before . BUT he would do it for me if I asked so I don’t think it’s subservient if he would do the same for me. I think he was starving and was hoping I would take pity on him- which i did!

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 15/12/2023 10:56

you could have anticipated that he'd want something to eat when he got home. You could have made him something when you were doing the kids dinner.

But why should she have to? He could anticipate that he might be hungry and just sort himself out? Chances are he probably wouldn’t eat what the kids eat anyway, plus we are not living in the 1950s! It’s not a woman’s job to “anticipate” her partner’s needs and that’s a terrible example to set/ pattern to get in to.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 11:01

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 10:54

I know what you’re saying but Ive said to another poster I have asked him before not to ask me on the way home before . BUT he would do it for me if I asked so I don’t think it’s subservient if he would do the same for me. I think he was starving and was hoping I would take pity on him- which i did!

Just remind him that you have asked him not to do this, and that next time you will just ignore the request.

By the way do you ever ask him to cook you something special and different like he does?
If not then it doesn't mean jack shit if he'd do it for you.

Heronwatcher · 15/12/2023 11:04

Just because he would do it for you doesn’t mean you have to do it for him when you’re knackered etc- you are allowed to have your own boundaries especially if you’re finding it a real PITA/ exhausting. Besides with the fact that he’s fussy with food and had also been out drinking, it’s hardly quid pro quo when you’ve done everything else that evening.

Sparklfairy · 15/12/2023 11:05

Can you give him a deadline to let you know if/what he wants (i.e. when you're making the kids tea, and if he misses it he can make his own pasta?

I get what you're saying that he asked nicely and would do it for you, but those food issues are very restrictive and not fair to put on you.

tescocreditcard · 15/12/2023 11:16

How are his food issues your problem?

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/12/2023 11:22

Why are you with someone who is incapable of putting a pizza in the oven for himself? Seriously.

I'm not trying to be unkind: just trying to make you see how utterly unreasonable and pathetic this is of him.

hsapposhit · 15/12/2023 11:24

If he's out for the evening and misses the evening meal then it's up to him to either a) eat when out or on the way home if he can't eat in front of people b) make himself something when he gets in or c) reheats a portion of the evening meal you cooked and if he doesn't like what you cooked for you and the children he can then do point b - make himself something.

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 11:24

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 10:54

I know what you’re saying but Ive said to another poster I have asked him before not to ask me on the way home before . BUT he would do it for me if I asked so I don’t think it’s subservient if he would do the same for me. I think he was starving and was hoping I would take pity on him- which i did!

Doesn't matter if he would do it for you. You are allowed your own boundaries. You are allowed to say "ill plate up food when I'm cooking for you to reheat, but once that's done, I'm not cooking again, so stop asking me because you are putting me in an uncomfortable position".

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 11:29

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 10:54

I know what you’re saying but Ive said to another poster I have asked him before not to ask me on the way home before . BUT he would do it for me if I asked so I don’t think it’s subservient if he would do the same for me. I think he was starving and was hoping I would take pity on him- which i did!

How often do you ask and how often does he ask you?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/12/2023 11:35

I know 427 people have already asked this...but why couldn't he cook his own bloody pasta? Ridiculous.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 15/12/2023 12:03

This must be the first time I've ever seen everyone tell the OP they're are not unreasonable....and the OP insists they are...strange.

If you're fighting his corner OP, I'm not really sure what you're getting from this thread!

Goodlard · 15/12/2023 12:12

DinkyDonkey2018 · 15/12/2023 12:03

This must be the first time I've ever seen everyone tell the OP they're are not unreasonable....and the OP insists they are...strange.

If you're fighting his corner OP, I'm not really sure what you're getting from this thread!

I agree!

Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 12:12

I’m not insisting I’m unreasonable 😂 I really am hearing what people are saying- I don’t agree I’m subservient but that’s what AIBU is about really- I was unreasonable to make the food and sulk off to bed. I should have just said no but didn’t like the thought of him coming home starving- but it’s his own fault and I just wanted reassurance I wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no even if he asks me really nicely and is really hungry!

OP posts:
Mrsweasleysclock · 15/12/2023 12:29

The reason you're struggling with this is because you're thinking about it in terms of only bad options.

You're tired, but if you say no then you're going to feel bad and you'll feel guilty at prioritising yourself.

You're going to make it, but you're going to be pissed off because he shouldn't have asked. So you withdraw and go to your room.

You need to change the way you see your options.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/12/2023 12:39

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 12:12

I’m not insisting I’m unreasonable 😂 I really am hearing what people are saying- I don’t agree I’m subservient but that’s what AIBU is about really- I was unreasonable to make the food and sulk off to bed. I should have just said no but didn’t like the thought of him coming home starving- but it’s his own fault and I just wanted reassurance I wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no even if he asks me really nicely and is really hungry!

@littlehorsesthatrun

not really sure what you want people to say OP…

EtiennePalmiere · 15/12/2023 12:49

DurhamDurham · 15/12/2023 10:52

If you knew he was going out for work drinks (not clear from your post) and that he won't eat in front of other people you could have anticipated that he'd want something to eat when he got home. You could have made him something when you were doing the kids dinner.

I certainly wouldn't have been cooking for him later, he could easily have made his own meal/snack when he got home.

She's not his mother though

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