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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn’t want to make him food

103 replies

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 06:55

Some context needed. I have three kids, work as teacher and I’m doing an MA with a big assignment coming up. Yesterday, I had worked all day, picked up the kids, came home to cook dinner, do two loads of washing, play with my 6 year old and put him to bed. I then had to iron a school skirt and do a couple of jobs for work. This is the first evening all week I’ve had 20 minutes to watch something on telly and just relax DP texts as I shut my computer asking me to put some food on for him.

He’s been at work drinks but won’t eat in front of other people- it’s a thing for him but I have said for him to please not ask me to cook like this before. He would cook for me if it was the other way around- I just wouldn’t ask him to as I’d eat earlier in the day.

I made him food and then I was just fed up so I went to bed and when he came up I told him I had a headache that’s why Id gone to bed and not waited for him. AIBU to not want to make him food? I don’t want him to be starving and come in to nothing if he hasn’t eaten all day- but I think he should eat before he goes out.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 08:44

I was replying to someone who said going to bed and not talking to him was unreasonable- i was agreeing.

OP posts:
Goodlard · 15/12/2023 08:59

More fool you for doing it and for reining a headache and not telling him the real reason you went to bed!

Therealjudgejudy · 15/12/2023 09:01

Why couldn't he make his own pasta when he got in? Stop being a doormat, he's not a child

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 09:05

Why didn't you just say "no, I'm not making you food, do it yourself"?

MiddleParking · 15/12/2023 09:24

When you say pasta, did he just want you to put pasta on to boil for him to put something on or did he want you to make a meal with it?

CurlewKate · 15/12/2023 09:28

To be honest, it doesn't matter what he expected the OP to do. Unless it was "Could you put the oven on at 180 please" or "Could you put a pot of water on the hob, please" he was being hugely unreasonable.

Autumnleaves89 · 15/12/2023 09:28

I can’t even believe you’ve told him to let you know in advance so you can make it earlier! Tell him to make it himself for fucks sake!
Wow.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 09:40

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:52

I was definitely being unreasonable but just was fed up and didn’t want to be rude! I spoke to him this morning and suggested he let me know earlier in the day if he will want something and I can make it when I make the kids’ food. J

Why would you cook a grown man’s supper? If he wants pasta he can make it.

Why would you not tell him to take responsibility for his own meals next time?

Alwaystired23 · 15/12/2023 09:41

He should have just picked something up in his way home or made himself something when he got in. Yanbu imo.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 09:43

Autumnleaves89 · 15/12/2023 09:28

I can’t even believe you’ve told him to let you know in advance so you can make it earlier! Tell him to make it himself for fucks sake!
Wow.

Some women are just subservient to their husbands. It’s weird.

MiddleParking · 15/12/2023 09:50

CurlewKate · 15/12/2023 09:28

To be honest, it doesn't matter what he expected the OP to do. Unless it was "Could you put the oven on at 180 please" or "Could you put a pot of water on the hob, please" he was being hugely unreasonable.

Well, that was why I was asking as putting pasta on to boil is to my mind no more work than making a cup of tea which I would happily do for DH coming in. If he wanted her to put sauce on it that becomes cooking in my book which is not reasonable.

ShouldGoToBed · 15/12/2023 09:51

I put yabu because you should have said no instead of doing it but then letting it ruin your evening and seething and then lying about why you were upstairs.

You’ve already told him you don’t like these requests, pasta doesn’t take long so he could easily have done it himself when he got in. You decided to martyr yourself when you could have said no, I’ve been on the go all day and I’m knackered, you’ll have to make yourself something when you get in.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 09:51

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:50

This is the thing- yes he’s really good (now!) at sharing the household stuff. The thing is he has lots of food issues - textures are hard for him and he is veggie so if he’s going to be out I can make something the kids will like and don’t have to worry about his food dislikes.

Then he cooks it himself, surely?

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 09:52

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 08:44

I was replying to someone who said going to bed and not talking to him was unreasonable- i was agreeing.

You haven't answered why he couldn't do it himself.

Pasta takes 10 minutes!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 15/12/2023 09:53

If he’s got the capability to hold down a job, go out to work drinks, and phone home to make his oh-so special princessy requests, he’s got the capability to eat leftovers of the dinner that’s been made OR sort his own food out. How do you stand it?!

PaulaPocket · 15/12/2023 09:55

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 15/12/2023 07:31

This is what kebab shops are for.

My DH would be jumping at the chance for a kebab.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 09:56

spitefulandbadgrammar · 15/12/2023 09:53

If he’s got the capability to hold down a job, go out to work drinks, and phone home to make his oh-so special princessy requests, he’s got the capability to eat leftovers of the dinner that’s been made OR sort his own food out. How do you stand it?!

Or make his own pasta.

IamnotSethRogan · 15/12/2023 09:57

I just think people are a bit over the top. OP was not unreasonable to be feeling tired and fed up and not want to do it but honestly I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone you're in a relationship with if they would mind maybe boiling you a bit of pasta because you're starving and on the way home. Relationships aren't a battle ground and there's nothing wrong with asking for something, which the op could have said no to. I would ask my husband to make me some food if I was hungry and on the way back as he would for me. If I was completely drained, I'd tell him I couldn't and that would be the end of it.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 15/12/2023 10:01

Madness.

My husband would never ask me to cook for him. It's a massive imposition for him to have asked you. Very mum and child dynamic. If he was single he would manage.

MiddleParking · 15/12/2023 10:02

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 09:43

Some women are just subservient to their husbands. It’s weird.

Show quote history

How is making dinner for the whole family and leaving your spouse’s for later while they’re out ‘subservience’? If my DH didn’t do that when I work late or go out after work I’d assume he was trying to punish me for being out in the first place.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 10:04

I would have reminded him of the previous conversation where I told him to not ask this of me.

He is being rude and disrespectful, treating you like a fucking line cook after you have had a busy filled day.

If he has these issues with food then he can deal with them himself and to not make it extra work for his already put upon wife.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 10:12

MiddleParking · 15/12/2023 10:02

How is making dinner for the whole family and leaving your spouse’s for later while they’re out ‘subservience’? If my DH didn’t do that when I work late or go out after work I’d assume he was trying to punish me for being out in the first place.

Show quote history

What? First her DH wasn’t working late he was at a jolly, secondly instead of saying that he should cook his own meals when she’s that busy,
she subserviently asked him to let her know in advance instead.

If your DH has a tendency to punish you for being out that’s your own problem, it’s not normal.

WeeOrcadian · 15/12/2023 10:13

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:52

I was definitely being unreasonable but just was fed up and didn’t want to be rude! I spoke to him this morning and suggested he let me know earlier in the day if he will want something and I can make it when I make the kids’ food. J

But you weren't BU

He's making you believe that you were

His issues are just that - his. Why should you start cooking after a bloody hectic day?

susiedaisy1912 · 15/12/2023 10:15

Beans on toast
Soup and toast
Egg on toast

No need for him to need a big meal if he'd been out drinking with work mates.

susiedaisy1912 · 15/12/2023 10:16

He asked for pasta? Pot noodle it is then.

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