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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Didn’t want to make him food

103 replies

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 06:55

Some context needed. I have three kids, work as teacher and I’m doing an MA with a big assignment coming up. Yesterday, I had worked all day, picked up the kids, came home to cook dinner, do two loads of washing, play with my 6 year old and put him to bed. I then had to iron a school skirt and do a couple of jobs for work. This is the first evening all week I’ve had 20 minutes to watch something on telly and just relax DP texts as I shut my computer asking me to put some food on for him.

He’s been at work drinks but won’t eat in front of other people- it’s a thing for him but I have said for him to please not ask me to cook like this before. He would cook for me if it was the other way around- I just wouldn’t ask him to as I’d eat earlier in the day.

I made him food and then I was just fed up so I went to bed and when he came up I told him I had a headache that’s why Id gone to bed and not waited for him. AIBU to not want to make him food? I don’t want him to be starving and come in to nothing if he hasn’t eaten all day- but I think he should eat before he goes out.

OP posts:

Whattodo112222 · 15/12/2023 07:50

Surely you just reheat dinner leftovers no ? Or leave him a plate?

If he wants pasta he can put a pack of tortellini in himself. Job done in 3 minutes.

You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do, but you're making a rod for your own back by not saying no.

Original poster

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:52

I was definitely being unreasonable but just was fed up and didn’t want to be rude! I spoke to him this morning and suggested he let me know earlier in the day if he will want something and I can make it when I make the kids’ food. J

OP posts:

EtiennePalmiere · 15/12/2023 07:52

That's still treating you like a restaurant though.

Ophy83 · 15/12/2023 07:53

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:50

This is the thing- yes he’s really good (now!) at sharing the household stuff. The thing is he has lots of food issues - textures are hard for him and he is veggie so if he’s going to be out I can make something the kids will like and don’t have to worry about his food dislikes.

If he's not going to want the family meal that's different! He should have planned for this knowing he was going out and have some standby quick meals e.g. fresh pasta, or freeze some portions of meals he likes when there's leftovers

AdoraBell · 15/12/2023 07:54

YANBU. Either he could cook something simple or if he had communicated earlier you could have put some food by when you cooked. Either way the onus is him to be an adult.

Dacadactyl · 15/12/2023 07:54

DH was a fussier eater til we got married. Now he is used to my ways he isn't.

I think he is being unreasonable to have a long list of food requirements/needs and then expect to be catered for.

If I were you, I'd start a new rule which is one meal for the whole family. He needs to let you know by midday (or whenever is convenient for you) whether he intends to eat what you plan to make or not.

If he's not gonna eat it, he has to cook for himself.

I wouldn't be pandering to his odd behaviours round food and not liking textures etc. I wonder how quickly his preferences will change if you don't kow tow to it.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2023 07:54

Why are you being so passive and making him separate food? You could’ve just refused his request.

mottytotty · 15/12/2023 07:55

You’re working, doing an MA, and taking care of the kids. He could have made himself pasta when he came back. Don’t be a people pleaser, say no

mottytotty · 15/12/2023 07:56

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:52

Are you reading the responses? People are you’re being perfectly reasonable not wanting to cook.

Ginmonkeyagain · 15/12/2023 08:01

I mean, he could have planned in advance and bought something that was going to be easy to make when he got in from his party.

Also he is not going to die if he just has toast or some crisps one night.

I mean I got in from my work Xmas party on Wednesday night I was very hungry (there were canapes apparently but I managed to miss them). So I had one of those Jamie Oliver pouches of black lentil dhal, a lump of cheese and some crackers. Not an ideal dinner by any means but it took 2 mins to make and I was a bit tipsy and very hungry.

No harm done.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 15/12/2023 08:01

littlehorsesthatrun · 15/12/2023 07:52

You weren't being unreasonable! He doesn't get to deliberately not eat food AND expect you to make him a separate meal to cater for his fussiness. He's not a child so don't treat him like one.

Noicant · 15/12/2023 08:02

Dh eats leftovers or sorts himself out and I’m nowhere as busy as you. I would have just grabbed a sandwich or something if I came in late and everyone else had eaten. I think it’s really inconsiderate to come in late expecting someone who already has loads of shit to do to then start cooking for you as well. It’s just thoughtless.

Whattodo112222 · 15/12/2023 08:02

You're only unreasonable for being so passive about it.

CurlewKate · 15/12/2023 08:03

So what did you cook?

Olika · 15/12/2023 08:04

I wouldn't have cooked

MyFirstLittlePony · 15/12/2023 08:04

Put a few ready meals in the fridge/freezer

s d put the phone away next time you try to relax for a minute so you don’t get his texts

he sounds too demanding

he can cook himself some pasta when he gets home (whilst eating a bag of crisps, if he’s starving) like a normal person

partners don’t put orders in like this!

MyFirstLittlePony · 15/12/2023 08:06

And STOP cooking for him

he should not “let you know earlier”

he should not let you know anything at sll

he’s the fussy one. He can prep and cook his own meals!

Maray1967 · 15/12/2023 08:08

Mine would cook for himself. Simple as that. Yours needs to learn!!

alwaystroubleonmn · 15/12/2023 08:11

Sounds like a breakdown in communication and a lack of planning by you both - it’s not your responsibility to ensure he’s fed but you run a household together - you should solve this problem together. It’s not hard.

Heronwatcher · 15/12/2023 08:13

You were not being unreasonable!

If he has food issues, even more of a reason why he needs to know the onus is on HIM not you to plan this. He needs to batch cook some meals he is prepared to eat, or at least the sauce element of things like pasta. Or buy some storage cupboard stuff he likes like cup a soup, noodles, whatever. When he gets in he can cook the pasta in 15 mins and defrost the sauce in the microwave at the same time.

Obviously not quite as nice as having it ready and presented on a plate when you get in, but then we’re not in the 1950s any more…

Hankunamatata · 15/12/2023 08:14

He needs some freezer food that he can whip out and zap himself or you can just chuck in oven

AnnaMagnani · 15/12/2023 08:18

I was a fussy eater. I got a lot less fussy when I had to make my own food.

Let him get on with it himself

EtiennePalmiere · 15/12/2023 08:19

Maybe this is rude but I think anyone who can't at least make pasta, eggs and something on toast are really sad.

rainbowstardrops · 15/12/2023 08:23

Well you're a better person than me because I wouldn't have got up and cooked again.
Why couldn't he do it himself when he got in, or grabbed a microwave meal on the way home?

RatatouillePie · 15/12/2023 08:29

Really? He sounds like a needy extra child, not a husband.

Surely someone who can father 3 kids can make some pasta for themselves?!?!

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