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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to just want it to be so special. 38 weeks.

86 replies

Justanightmaretobearound · 14/12/2023 23:00

I’m 38 weeks pregnant with a much longed for baby, I’ve waited 6 years!

I feel so ungrateful and rubbish as the day I announced my sister announced too, she’s 2 weeks behind but due to circumstances we found out we’d both be induced on the same day.

I don’t know why but since finding this out I feel so sad and tearful. I can’t even rationalize what it is that upsets me so I guess I probably am unreasonable.

I can’t stop cleaning the house, morning and night full on scrubbing the bathrooms, floors, polishing. I can’t relax at all.

I said to my DH tonight I’m struggling and he said he’s not dealing with this and has gone to bed. I just wanted to talk to someone.

I am so obsessed with this perfect experience of having a new baby that I can’t relax or let anything slip in fear of it being less than perfectly special.

OP posts:
Christmassss · 14/12/2023 23:05

I don’t think you are being U, I think you are hormonal and feeling tired. Your day will be just as special if your DSis also gives birth on the same day.

InflatableSanta · 14/12/2023 23:05

I think that's probably a fairly human emotion. But there's also not really a solution so I imagine your DH feels a bit helpless.

Your baby when they arrive really will be special. Wishing you all the best.

And do keep checking in on your emotions, it's totally normal and human to get the baby blues fairly badly if the baby is much wanted

Nothing went to plan with either of my children's births and I had awful PND after despite having wanted them so badly, but I love them so much now and they bring so much joy. The little details that matter so much now won't matter at all in the grand scheme of things

RandomButtons · 14/12/2023 23:06

I think you need to talk this through with a counsellor to be honest. You should be thrilled your sister is due too - your babies will grow up together and be into the same stuff at the same time.

There is no perfect new experience of a new baby. It’s wonderful and exhausting in equal measures. Try to take the pressure off and just enjoy the experience.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2023 23:06

Give yourself a break. Nesting is completely normal but I can promise you there’s no perfect way to be pregnant and no perfect way to have a newborn. Even if you got what you’d thought was perfect you might not experience it that way anyway.

You’re very very pregnant, you’re tired, it’s the middle of winter, your body is working incredibly hard, your mind is in overdrive, your hormones are overwhelming and you’re about to go through the biggest change of your life. Literally everyone who’s been there knows it makes you a bit crazy.

This isn’t to do with your sister or your husband - though he should have let you talk - you’re just panicking about trying to control something that can’t be controlled. Try and let go a bit. Do small things that make you feel calm and content. Accept not being in control. You’re on a rollercoaster with many variables and inbuilt uncertainty. That’s okay. It’s normal. You’re doing fine.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/12/2023 23:07

OP drop the idea of a perfect birth or newborn experience. You're likely setting yourself up for disappointment. It's very exciting your family will introduce 2 new members at the same time. Focus on that and a lifelong special bond between cousins.

user1473878824 · 14/12/2023 23:10

Oh mate. You’re FULL of hormones. But of course it will be special, your sister having a baby doesn’t make it any less special! And your baby will have a lovely cousin the same age. You’ve been trying for six years, nothing can really take away how special this is, and I mean that in a nice way not in a trying to diminish your feelings way.

CuriousGeorge80 · 14/12/2023 23:10

I completely understand your feelings about your sister. Similar happened to me after many years of trying, my brother announced they were having a baby at the same time (well, within a month). I was really sad as my brother is sort of the golden child. What I would say is that it’s lovely that the two children have each other so close in age.

CroccyWoccy · 14/12/2023 23:14

congratulations on your longed for pregnancy! Sorry you DH is being a dick tonight.

some thoughts:

  1. reframe your thinking about your sister - it’s not a competition, it’s lovely that you get to share this, cousins sharing a birthday in the future is special.
  2. You’re nesting - it can feel a bit crazy. Don’t do anything stupid (I was up a ladder painting to ceiling at 39 weeks).
  3. Obsessing about a perfect experience is setting yourself up for PND. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It might be awful! Having a newborn is hard. But you will love them with all your heart and that’s what matters.
SparklingSparkle · 14/12/2023 23:14

Ultimately one day soon you'll be alone with this tiny baby and you'll be able to look at them and know you're their mummy and nothing can change that. That's all that matters.
It's going to be amazing.
Try and rest.
This is all very natural.
Pregnancy and hormones are insane!!
You're going to be a wonderful mum.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 14/12/2023 23:19

I can guarantee that you'll have forgotten all about it when your beautiful baby has arrived. This is just your hormones, please take it easy and go easy on yourself.

Induction is such a hard process and you will be thankful your sister is going through the same thing so you'll have someone to talk to and lean on when it gets tough.

This should bring you closer together not tear you apart!

WowOK · 14/12/2023 23:22

It took me 7 years to have my first daughter., 7 years of fertility treatments. 7 years on a treadmill of hope, false positivity, loss, sadness, grief and repeat. Getting pregnant didn't erase all of that trauma. Honestly, having a baby doesn't erase it either. It stays with you. You're expected to be grateful and for everything else to fall away.

I tried to make everything prefect. I think it was an anxiety response. The thing is it's unobtainable and unsustainable. Realistically, good enough is enough. No point in a spotless home if your so exhausted you don't have time to do the fun or interesting stuff. The jobs will still be there tomorrow.

You mentioned your sister. Do you feel overshadowed by her pregnancy? I think its lovely that you'll have cousins growing up together (assuming you like your sister).

ErrolTheDragon · 14/12/2023 23:29

I can’t stop cleaning the house, morning and night full on scrubbing the bathrooms, floors, polishing.

Apparently this sort of thing, known as 'nesting', is quite common in late pregnancy!

Robinni · 14/12/2023 23:30

Justanightmaretobearound · 14/12/2023 23:00

I’m 38 weeks pregnant with a much longed for baby, I’ve waited 6 years!

I feel so ungrateful and rubbish as the day I announced my sister announced too, she’s 2 weeks behind but due to circumstances we found out we’d both be induced on the same day.

I don’t know why but since finding this out I feel so sad and tearful. I can’t even rationalize what it is that upsets me so I guess I probably am unreasonable.

I can’t stop cleaning the house, morning and night full on scrubbing the bathrooms, floors, polishing. I can’t relax at all.

I said to my DH tonight I’m struggling and he said he’s not dealing with this and has gone to bed. I just wanted to talk to someone.

I am so obsessed with this perfect experience of having a new baby that I can’t relax or let anything slip in fear of it being less than perfectly special.

I can’t stop cleaning the house, morning and night full on scrubbing the bathrooms, floors, polishing. I can’t relax at all.

You’re nesting because you’re about to give birth, this is all very normal.

Regards your sister, even if you are induced on the same day, you probably won’t give birth on the same day, if you do - how cute for the cousins to have this special bond.

Quit worrying about her baby, focus on yours.

You are about to become a mother so it is best to put idealistic notions out of your head, it’s unachievable.

The baby will take over your home and entire life, largely the baby will dictate what way things play out and your visions of perfectly will be swiftly brushed aside.

If you are going to be induced you need to get up on what that means, it could be a bit of a process so please rest all you can and try and enjoy the last few weeks before the birth.

Bounce on a birthing ball, do daily walks to try and get baby into a good position and move things along naturally.

Whatever happens, you are going to be ok, the medics will guide you and the baby will be worth it all. Never mind your sister. Huge hugs.

Mumontherunn · 14/12/2023 23:32

Your feelings are totally valid. It’s a strange old time towards the end of pregnancy, and things are definitely heightened.
Couple of things - just because you’re being induced on the same day doesn’t mean babies will arrive on the same day. It can slow a slow process for some and fast for others. And also, once the dust has settled, I think you’ll love having a baby at the same time as your DSis. Someone to chat through the different stages with, someone who understands you completely. Good luck

Robinni · 14/12/2023 23:32

ErrolTheDragon · 14/12/2023 23:29

I can’t stop cleaning the house, morning and night full on scrubbing the bathrooms, floors, polishing.

Apparently this sort of thing, known as 'nesting', is quite common in late pregnancy!

@ErrolTheDragon

Indecided to wash down all my walls, have the entire house repainted and all the carpets professionally cleaned. It was bizarre.

Tawlk · 14/12/2023 23:34

You are absolutely not being unreasonable or ungrateful. You’re about to embark on something you’ve longed for for a long time, it’s okay to want it to be extra special. It will be really special and when your little one forms a relationship with their cousin that will also be magical ❤️ the birth-day is just the beginning and that part all becomes a distant memory pretty quick. Good luck with everything and go easy on yourself x

hellsBells246 · 14/12/2023 23:36

I am so obsessed with this perfect experience of having a new baby that I can’t relax or let anything slip in fear of it being less than perfectly specialI

This is not a healthy way to welcome a baby.

Just worry about yourselves.

Kendodd · 14/12/2023 23:40

Well I hate to break it to you but it's not going to be perfect, we don't live in a Hallmark film, we live in real life. My best advice I could give you is lower the bar. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be happy, and that's fine.

MeinKraft · 14/12/2023 23:42

It's not going to be picture perfect OP, it's going to be messy and there will be crying and poo explosions and all sorts of things won't be the way you've planned because babies have a mind of their own. It's all less than perfect and that's what makes it special, because it's your own special journey with your own child. It is incredible that you get to go through this with your sister - will you be in the same hospital?

Fionaville · 14/12/2023 23:45

You are being hormonal. I think you should visualise things not being perfect and accept it. None of that stuff will matter when you have your baby. That is the perfect moment, it doesn't get anymore perfect than holding your newborn baby. Just focus on that.
Your sister isn't stealing your thunder. You've got an lifelong friend for your baby before they are even born! It doesn't get any better than that!

WandaWonder · 14/12/2023 23:47

OP think back has anything in your life been picture perfect? if so then that is genuinley a worry because life is not like that, if you keep on thinking that and it is not how you want it to be how will you cope?

user1471447924 · 14/12/2023 23:49

Gosh. 🙃

Original poster
Justanightmaretobearound · 14/12/2023 23:55

Thank you for the lovely replies. They’ve made me feel a lot less like a monster. I’m off to get an early night hopefully, induction day tomorrow.

OP posts:
PullUpTheDrawbridge · 15/12/2023 00:04

All the best. There's no such thing as a perfect birth, newborn, babyhood, childhood, teenage hood etc. Just be yourself, that's enough xx

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/12/2023 00:17

Aww you have waited 6 years for this, and now your baby is possibly going to share her/his birthday with his/her cousin - for you, your baby's birthday is special and I think you are feeling disappointed that your special day is now special for your sister too.

Does your sister already have children ? has your sister waited 6 years ? do you know what you are having, do you know what your sister is having ?

When you have time could you come back and let us know who was born when ?
Congratulations on your imminent birth !

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