I cried at Therapy and I'm so embarrassed I feel queasy at the idea of going back

[ItIsWotItIs]

Not exaggerating, it's such an awful mix of terror and nausea and dread that I cried I'm questioning my ability to face the therapist again. Which is unfortunate because I think she is good and I feel comfortable otherwise - it's not her at fault, it'd be exactly the same with anyone. It's like I lost control and was seen at my most revolting and I can't put that genie back in the bottle. How do I cope with the shame?

As is blatantly obvious from this post, I need to go back. But I'm distressed by the idea of it now.

I've fucked everything.

But maybe they are only real because I'm a drama queen and normal people wouldn't be upset? The reason that "normal" people wouldn't cry over this is that they haven't had to cope with the same life experiences as you

If you were being a drama queen you wouldn't be feeling upset about it now.

Do you want to find out more about why you have such an extreme judgement and censorship of your right to access a normal healthy emotion? If I were your therapist I'd really want to know that you feel so strongly and censorious about this.

In a way, they need to know. We all the right to access all emotions. And to respond to the extremes of emotion with self compassion, so they are dealt with in a healthy way and not left to fester.

It’s literally because you’re so uncomfortable about it that you need to bring it up with your therapist. Those are really string feelings and it sounds like you’ll really benefit from exploring them, as difficult as that may be

And the fact you say your family would judge you is really telling

I’ve cried in therapy before, I was embarrassed and I still am sometimes.

Can you email now to explain that you would like to discuss crying at the start of your next session. Then the feelings are out there in the real world. You’ve done that a bit here, when you are ready that goes to irl. (You don’t need to if you trust yourself to bring it up at the next session.

I cried today at work though actually wfh but I couldn’t help letting it show. I also felt I should have been able to handle things. I even couldn’t manage when I rang a colleague. All that’s happened is someone else will deal with the situation and I think they want me to some assertiveness.

If it helps this thread has made me feel better so you sharing here has done a bit of 😊

I don't think I did anything except cry for the first several sessions of therapy I had. It's COMPLETELY normal so please don't be discouraged to go back.

That is what therapy is for. Tell your therapist how you are feeling about crying last time. They will want to know and will help you understand it.

Blimey OP. I cried at every single therapy session I ever had. It’s just how I left my emotions out. There was one session where I couldn’t even breathe, full on snotty messy. She didn’t bat an eye. You’re talking about emotional stuff, you’re gonna cry.

I thought that's what therapy is for to let it all out.

OP - it sounds as if you are scared of crying? Do you find crying comes easily?

Crying in therapy is a REALLY good sign. Firstly, it shows that you have acknowledged your emotions and secondly, that you have trusted your therapist to open up. Your therapist will not be judgemental.

I'm not surprised that you are embarrassed about it as you mentioned in your post above that "tears are inappropriate and somehow wrong, like I'm faking something for attention? .... My family would be so shocked, or upset, or just uncomfortable if they could see me crying over this"

You were conditioned when growing up to not cry, that it was shameful, embarrassing, and therefore something to be afraid of. I am guessing when you were a child that when you cried, you probably did not have a loving or empathetic response. It is not surprising that you are feeling uncomfortable about it now. This could be worth exploring further with your therapist, as crying is a natural reaction and a very good sign. I really wish I could cry too, but I am understanding at least, why it is so difficult for me.

Therapist here op. Trust me this is not an issue at all. Please return to your next session, as a therapist crying is not an issue for us at all, it is a good step forwards in your treatment. You could always tell the therapist you had felt embarrassed, have a quick chat about it. Often I find one all that emotion has come it it doesn't tend to happen again in future sessions s, good luck ☺️

Omg the amount of times I’ve cried in therapy - proper snot gushing, hiccuping, can’t speak ugly crying too. A lot of the time when I didn’t even think I would be upset.

Roll with it OP, talk about how you feel about the crying next time? I bet loads of people feel like this

💐💐💐

I get you OP. Tears aren’t really ‘allowed’ in my family neither. If I have even been upset I am much more likely to get ‘a common sense talking to’ than a hug.
When my gran died at Easter I can’t count the times I have been upset and ended up feeling so much worse after. One day I went and sat in church alone (actually the church my grandparents were at for 15 years - long story) and I just cried on my own. The lovely lady curate came and sat with me and hugged me (she knew my gran from her childhood). I felt embarrassed afterwards bit we are actually great friends now and she is helping me a lot.

It's like I lost control and was seen at my most revolting and I can't put that genie back in the bottle. How do I cope with the shame?

Er…I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself here. Did your parents used to yell at you for crying or something? It’s normal to cry even if you’re not in therapy.

You’ve probably had such an extreme reaction because when you were little and cried there would be consequences (angry parents?). Just remember crying is just water.

Sorry to make light of this but I literally cry every single session of counselling - I thought that's what you did. My counsellor has literally been teaching me how to cry properly!

It's like my brain thinks I've done something like puked all over myself in front of somebody else.

I’ve done that. I was unwell at the time though so I didn’t have the energy to worry about it.

It sounds like you have a problem with showing emotion? Would you feel also guilty if you got angry about something?

That last sentence sounds like part of the reason you need therapy - not being snarky, just that big emotions are OK. Crying is OK. I'm a big crier, I still hate it when I cry in public/in front of someone and I feel embarrassed about it but not as visceral a reaction as you seem to be having. The therapist is not going to judge you for it and the whole point is therapy is a safe space to do that - you're not supposed to be stoic in therapy.

You poor thing OP. It fees like the crying will actually have been incredibly useful for the therapy, as it will give you an opportunity to explore with your therapist some of the feelings about crying that you have been indicating here with such clarity of mind.
I do hope that you can get to your next appointments and pick up on this task.
I know you know it rationally, and that others have already said this, but I'll reinforce it too: There was nothing bad or wrong or ugly or unusual about you crying xxxx

Just to add, you suggest that the core of your negatuve feelings about crying has something to do with the reason for the crying. I'm sure that if you pushed at this idea you would see that it was harsh on yourself.

Sometimes the trigger for tears can be something awful in itself; sometimes it is kind of a proxy - something that you can bear to feel emotional about because it is less horrifically unapproachable than The Awful Thing itself. Sometimes it is neither of those things, and it is connected to the huge reservoir of your sadness by a million confusing little pipes that you might never untangle. In all of those cases, the tears are equally worthy of respect and compassion and love. And that holds true regardless of what The Awful Thing is. xxx

I cry every week in therapy, btw. Not howling sobs but a constant stream of tears that uses up endless numbers of inadequate NHS tissues every single session. Thinking of going private, where the tissues probably have adequate absorption😏
I also have this embarrassing thing where my throat just closes up in a spasm and I can't talk at all, except by pushing whispers through

It's part of the process.

Don't run away from therapy, this was your breakthrough! Your therapist will absolutely not be judging you, they'll see it as progress as you obviously have strong blocks and struggle with being vulnerable but you managed to overcome that which shows how effective the therapeutic relationship is. When you go back and start to see that you're still accepted and that your tears are met with compassion and empathy you'll be able to start rewriting the script from the nasty things you tell yourself about your emotions not being valid and you not being worthy of support

I passed out multiple times in therapy, the therapist had to lurch and catch my head. These things happen! Arguably it's good to know someone really sees you even if it makes you feel vulnerable.

Not to get all therapist on you but the fact you're having this reaction probably tells you something you need to know. Do you have shame or embarrassment around crying in general? Or being vulnerable and open emotionally? Are you feeling shame because you've always been taught your emotions aren't important and you should hide them?

Who cares what your family would say? Some people cry easily and others don't. Some will cry at something minor and not when something serious happens. Others feel if they start to cry they'll never stop, so make sure they never start. My DIL cried the other day because a song ended! (But she is pregnant.)

Could you write an email to your therapist and briefly explain?