Page 2 | I cried at Therapy and I'm so embarrassed I feel queasy at the idea of going back

Original poster

ItIsWotItIs · 14/12/2023 21:36

MonsteraMama · 14/12/2023 21:30

If it makes you feel any better the first time I saw my therapist I did puke all over myself. I still see her every other week and we've developed a brilliant relationship over the last four years. It's her job to see me at my absolute worst, most gross, most awful. I know it's hard but it's literally their job to see you at your most vulnerable.

I'm so sorry that happened, I hope you were ok!

Yes, I do agree with you logically that they kind of sign up for seeing us at our worst.

OP posts:

RhinestoneCowgirl · 14/12/2023 21:36

I cried constantly through my first session and felt revolted and embarrassed, but I knew I needed to go back. At the next session I told my counsellor just how horrible I had found it, and it was very liberating to be able to tell her. Building trust with a counsellor takes time, but I'm sure you will get there.

DidIMakeaMistake · 14/12/2023 21:38

Oh OP! I’ve cried a lot in front of my therapist, I know one time I was particularly in a very bad way, and I really struggled. I was so far gone, so upset. She really helped me ground myself and feel safe.

TheYear2000 · 14/12/2023 21:38

It really is a safe space for expressing yourself. Being able to be sad and cry and nothing disastrous to happen is quite interesting. If you examine what has happened, the only problem with you crying in therapy has been your own thoughts/feelings about it. That suggests that it isn't a disaster to cry in therapy- and that you need to work on your own responses to your emotions, as you clearly have feelings needing to be expressed but you are experiencing distress and shame when processing them. Good therapy is hard work, as you are undoing years/decades of unhealthy ways of dealing with your feelings- but it is totally worth it. Please persevere, it'll be worth it. There is no shame in having feelings and expressing them.

DidIMakeaMistake · 14/12/2023 21:39

Really you must cry and normalise it. Perhaps she can help you get to the bottom of why you feel this way about crying, why it’s shameful (to you).

Original poster

ItIsWotItIs · 14/12/2023 21:39

Maybe you feel so terrible because you grew up thinking it wasn’t safe to cry or show vulnerability. Maybe this fear of vulnerability in front of others has become part of you as a defence mechanism. That would explain your terror; it must feel so unnatural for you.

I think it's the Thing that I'm crying over that's making me really crazy.

I think I'm ok about crying about something not controversial - like a bereavement I had. I cried then and feel embarrassed by that but whatever, I can get over it.

I feel so guilty and bad for crying over this today it literally seems like I'm going to die if I keep "indulging" the emotion.

I sound insane, I know.

OP posts:

itsmyp4rty · 14/12/2023 21:41

You don't sound insane! You sound conditioned.
Can you email the therapist and tell her if that's easier?

Bigcoatweather · 14/12/2023 21:42

Psychologist here. Totally normal. Please, please don’t feel embarrassed. Therapy is space where you can genuinely be yourself and you have our unconditional respect, care and regard.
Crying can be very cathartic and a bit of a release. It’s unlikely you’ll cry every session, and we honestly don’t mind.
Go back and keep going back until you’re in a better place for you. You’ll know when.

Feliciacat · 14/12/2023 21:42

Oh so you think ‘the thing’ is not something ‘cry-worthy’ and that you are wrong to cry over it? That does make sense. However, human minds are very complex and if this thing makes you cry then you are entitled to your feelings and you should explore the upset in order to help yourself. If it means something to you, that’s ok.

cinemonbunsandcoffee · 14/12/2023 21:45

Hi OP, it is absolutely fine, you’ve allowed yourself to be vulnerable with your therapist, that happened because you felt safe in the therapeutic space she has created.

Crying is absolutely normal and expected when having therapy. When you visit any therapist office they always have a box of tissues for a reason.

Good therapists are not so easy to come by xx

Good luck 🍀

Original poster

ItIsWotItIs · 14/12/2023 21:45

I don't think I can even say the word "crying" or "cried" comfortably FFS. They just aren't words I am comfortable using in relation to myself. Today I said I am upset and need to switch off my camera, and then it was obvious in my voice.

But I don't know how to broach it in the next session if I can't say that word and agree it would probably be good to talk about it.

I literally feel like a drama queen and a liar that the tears are inappropriate and somehow wrong, like I'm faking something for attention? But I'm not because they're real?

But maybe they are only real because I'm a drama queen and normal people wouldn't be upset? My family would be so shocked, or upset, or just uncomfortable if they could see me crying over this.

OP posts:

Offcom · 14/12/2023 21:47

If you’ve been seeing the therapist for a while and never cried before they may well be feeling delighted at this development

And we all know that therapists think we’re always talking about ourselves when we discuss our pets/the neighbours we hate/ads that annoy us, so whatever embarrassing thing you cried over, they’ll think it’s about your childhood right?

pickledandpuzzled · 14/12/2023 21:56

I cry about issue A, because issue B is too big and scary to address.

When I’m stressed, a Christmas advert or similar is a nice, safe release.

pickledandpuzzled · 14/12/2023 21:57

Did you know tears contain stress hormones? They literally release stress from your body. They are t a random sign of weakness or emotion but a real bodily function.

Foxblue · 14/12/2023 21:58

Can you reframe this as a win (or talk about reframing it as a win with your therapist) - you know intellectually that it's healthy to cry, and you know a therapist expects you to cry, but your body is having a visceral reaction from (by the sounds of it) long standing beliefs over crying.
Crying is a normal bodily reaction. Start there. Start with the absolute basics of 'why do people cry' into Google. Start treating it as a bodily function like sweating or sneezing. Really hammer it into your head that tears are a normal bodily function - this might separate it from the idea that you are doing it for attention.
And start treating it as a WIN.
So you've overcome years of programming that's made you believe that crying is something to be ashamed of, that it's attention seeing, that it's embarrassing, and you've been able to cry. Sure, you're mortified and feel sick at talking about it, but what a massive step you have made, in that case, to be doing it! It's normal, you've done a normal healthy thing. And it might take time for you to talk about it, and that's okay!
Can you email your therapist with options ahead of your next session, so you don't have to talk about in person?
You could say:
I want to discuss the crying but I'm extremely uncomfortable and need to take it slowly.
You could say
I don't want to acknowledge the crying at all, and if it happens again I would like no acknowledgement.
You could say
I want to talk about the crying, but in my own time, can we set it to one side until I feel ready, then I will bring it up?

It's your therapy - you are allowed to set the terms, and it's okay to give yourself a breather if you need to. Your therapist is used to it.

Confrontayshunme · 14/12/2023 22:01

If it is reassuring, I cried in and after the first 4-6 sessions I had. After I worked through some of the hardest stuff, it got easier, and I cried less. The first few times were me talking about my childhood, and the therapist said "And now looking back, did you deserve that?" I did not, and the crying was my body's way of understanding that for the first time.

MigGirl · 14/12/2023 22:02

ItIsWotItIs · 14/12/2023 21:24

Not exaggerating, it's such an awful mix of terror and nausea and dread that I cried I'm questioning my ability to face the therapist again. Which is unfortunate because I think she is good and I feel comfortable otherwise - it's not her at fault, it'd be exactly the same with anyone. It's like I lost control and was seen at my most revolting and I can't put that genie back in the bottle. How do I cope with the shame?

As is blatantly obvious from this post, I need to go back. But I'm distressed by the idea of it now.

I've fucked everything.

I imagine it's totally normal to do this, I cried my eyes out during almost every therapy session I had last year. I actually really needed it and my therapist was absolutely wonderful.

They will have seen it all before so don't worry about it, you ovously need therapy, so keep going. It can be so releasing to get everything out.

cloudglazer · 14/12/2023 22:04

I am a therapist. If you can, please tell your therapist about it. Shame about crying is common, and exploring with your therapist what is going on for you with that will help. If you were on a screen, it can happen that you share more of yourself than you would have in the room, and the shame you are feeling now is part of the response to that for you.
And if it helps, I properly sobbed in my own therapy yesterday.

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 14/12/2023 22:06

OP it doesn't matter what your family would think if they saw you cry over what ever this is. Crying is a release and isn't something to be ashamed of. It also doesn't only happen with sadness. You can cry when happy, angry or stressed etc. It's uncomfortable to sit with the emotions you are feeling but if you need to cry then do so. Your therapist will not be alarmed by tears. If you want to move forward than you push through the uncomfort and attend your next session. If you are not ready to talk about it then say so but just showing up will be a huge step forward.

BoomBhuna · 14/12/2023 22:06

I work in this field and agree with what others have said.

The other thing to consider is, do you think the therapist is still thinking about this now? Will they wake up thinking about you? Will they spend their weekend thinking about their client who cried and how ridiculous she was? Of course not! Firstly it’s her job and she understands. And secondly therapists have their own busy lives and issues to get on with as well.

The therapist has seen it all before and understands that tears are a normal part of the process. Please be kind to yourself and think that crying is very part of your treatment and recovery x

mynameiscalypso · 14/12/2023 22:06

I once made my therapist cry in a session. That was quite awkward!

ShinyBandana · 14/12/2023 22:07

Oh god… I did a full on but unexpected primal howl during online therapy and it took about 20 mins to calm down from. My therapist sat there and when I looked at her she just said ‘well done. How do you feel now?’ and she smiled. And I felt the utter relief of letting go of something I had been too scared to show anyone. She said it happened often and it was her job to be present.

OP, it’s normal for them. I think it shows you’re building trust with your therapist and that’s part of the process x

sprigatito · 14/12/2023 22:10

I think it doesn't matter how many times we tell you that crying is normal and that the therapist has seen it all before. You're still going to feel that horror and revulsion, because at some point you've been programmed to believe that your emotions are disgusting and that expressing them is taboo. This reaction is a huge part of your trauma and it's really important that you go back and work through it. One day you'll be able to cry without feeling like you've shat yourself in church - you'll be free of all that shame and fear. Don't give up now!

redfacebigdisgrace · 14/12/2023 22:11

Maybe therapy will help you explore why you have such a strong reaction to feeling tearful. There’s absolutely no shame in it. Try and be brave and trust your therapist. I would explain how you felt in your next session with her. Good luck x

biter · 14/12/2023 22:13

It may not be usual for you but it's ok. In the last 2 weeks I've unexpected cried during a professional coaching session, a GP appointment, when talking to my adult son in the car, and when someone posted a lovely comment to me on a thread earlier. Before that hadn't cried for a about 2 years.

Crying is just sometimes necessary. Go with it, and you may find it useful and cathartic. Make sure you discuss it with your therapist too.