I cried at Therapy and I'm so embarrassed I feel queasy at the idea of going back

[ItIsWotItIs]

Not exaggerating, it's such an awful mix of terror and nausea and dread that I cried I'm questioning my ability to face the therapist again. Which is unfortunate because I think she is good and I feel comfortable otherwise - it's not her at fault, it'd be exactly the same with anyone. It's like I lost control and was seen at my most revolting and I can't put that genie back in the bottle. How do I cope with the shame?

As is blatantly obvious from this post, I need to go back. But I'm distressed by the idea of it now.

I've fucked everything.

For therapists, seeing people cry is like seeing the inside of someone's mouth for dentists.

I did put my camera off on zoom when it happened. Somehow that makes it worse? I dunno.

Good God if you can't cry in therapy when can you? Its practically expected you will cry in therapy.

Yes I know this rationally.

Crying is perfectly normal and healthy for other people. It's just not OK for me.

I probably cried during most sessions when I saw a psychologist. They're well used to it, it's normal. You definitely shouldn't feel embarrassed. Just go back an be glad that she's good and helpful!

When I went to therapy there was always a box of tissues within easy reach. Crying is practically mandatory!

Crying in therapy is completely normal. Feeling a bit embarrassed or whatever is usual but terror is quite an extreme reaction so you should probably discuss this with her in your next session!

I know I shouldn't feel embarrassed but I do. I honestly feel like I need to take a shower.

It's like my brain thinks I've done something like puked all over myself in front of somebody else.

Hi, I’m a therapist. It’s completely normal to cry.. that’s why we always have tissues ☺️.

I’ve lost track of the number of clients I’ve seen who have shocked themselves by crying in sessions. The whole purpose is to be a safe place where you can open up. Please don’t feel bad about it and it’s most likely a good sign. Hope therapy is helpful for you 🌺

I get that. But the only way you're going to be able to get past the need for total control over how the therapist sees you (which isn't really possible anyway), or a belief that you're revolting when you've lost control, is to keep putting yourself in that situation. Telling yourself that's what the therapist does for a living, in part, might help you go back.

If it makes you feel any better the first time I saw my therapist I did puke all over myself. I still see her every other week and we've developed a brilliant relationship over the last four years. It's her job to see me at my absolute worst, most gross, most awful. I know it's hard but it's literally their job to see you at your most vulnerable.

I totally get it. I've walked out of / hung up in therapy sessions when I've thought I'm going to cry. I am not good at crying in front of other people at all. It will be okay though, your therapist probably is taking it as a sign that they've done a good job!

Therapists/Counsellors expect most people to cry. I sobbed like mad when I went, with snot and everything. Felt so daft, but the Counsellor was very kind, gave me some tissues and just listened.

I think this is definitely something you should go back and discuss with your therapist, they will help you through these feelings.

I'm glad that your body felt in such a safe space that it could cry. In time your mind will catch up. You've got this x

I researched about crying because it was something that I was embarrassed about and conditioned to believe is shameful but there is some science to it. Copy paste from google but it's just a natural coping mechanism:*
*
Crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, otherwise known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Once the endorphins are released, your body may go into somewhat of a numb stage. Oxytocin can give you a sense of calm or well-being.

Please go back and tell your therapist exactly how you are feeling. This will be really useful information for her. You need to explore - over time, and at your own pace - how you learned that crying in front of someone else was something to be so desperately ashamed of

I was in therapy for many years, and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself, but there were MANY awkward, difficult and shameful moments for me. It's all part of the process, but please do start sharing these feelings with your therapist

This would also not be something to feel quite this shameful about, or which should make you have to cut off all contact with someone, if it happened during the course of seeing someone for help, as a part of the thing you were seeking help for. You have permission to be a fallible, leaky, pukey, teary human being.

Without wishing to sound patronising, I’d start your check-in next session by asking your therapist if you can explore why you feel such extreme embarrassment at showing emotion during your last session.

Therapy is a long old haul, and you’ll get upset at times during sessions, it’s normal and expected. So it’s best to work through this issue at the start, so you can move forward with your therapy. I’m certain your therapist will reassure you and help you to understand where your reactions are coming from. Good luck!

Ps I know this is absolutely about you and not about the therapist, but honestly it makes the therapist’s job much easier if you’re open. I totally get that it feels weird and uncomfortable, but it’s healthy to get it out, and I’ve come to believe that showing some vulnerability is a sign of strength 💪

I’ve never not cried in therapy. Huge snotty gulping tears, every fortnight like clockwork.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re working on healing. Your therapist has seen it all before and is not judging you for crying.

It’s worth exploring why it’s such a big deal. On its own it may seem less important to discuss than other subjects. It may offer insight though.

my therapist explored why I was so tentative asking to borrow a pencil, and what had made me need to leave for a wee. He felt I was avoiding something!

Really useful.

We never talked about the trauma I was processing at all! Best therapy ever.

That's literally what they're there for. God, I cry every time. One, that shows you're opening up and getting something from the session and two, if you can't cry to your therapist, who the hell can you?!

Enjoy it OP, you pay for them to let you be you. That's the whole point. Be your raw, true self, it'll help in the long run.

Crying is a natural response to strong emotion. Therapy is literally dragging yourself over hot emotional coals. Crying is actually good as it means you’ve hit a nerve and are starting to unpack things.

Maybe you feel so terrible because you grew up thinking it wasn’t safe to cry or show vulnerability. Maybe this fear of vulnerability in front of others has become part of you as a defence mechanism. That would explain your terror; it must feel so unnatural for you.

Definitely go back to therapy and let your therapist know you feel this way so they can reassure you. I needed reassurance from my therapist because I thought I was being annoying by talking to her (can you imagine)! Having a conversation about how it’s ok to give myself permission to talk was very healing for me. Maybe a conversation with the therapist about how it’s ok for you to give yourself permission to cry will be healing for you.