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Original poster

To have blown up at colleague

121 replies

CherryShirt · 13/12/2023 19:33

I have quite a loud/forthright colleague in my team of eight, not known for his tact - if it’s in his brain, it comes out of his mouth. It irritates me sometimes, but it’s not a major problem. Or so I thought!

In recent weeks, his bugbear has been that our team is unsociable; nobody ever goes for a drink after work, it’s boring, can’t we go out etc. I noticed he’s never tried to organise anything himself 🙄 but I thought, why not, and I said “Okay - let’s get something in the diary. When are good dates for people?” We agreed on dates and a venue.

A few days before, I asked him in general conversation if he was looking forward to Thursday. He said, “Oh yeah, I went to say - I can’t make it now”. I was quite taken aback and asked what had happened. He replied, “I’ve… made other plans?” (In other words, he got a better offer.) This is despite the whole thing being organised because he pushed for it. A couple of others then pulled out on the basis that they had only really been going because he’d made a fuss. In the end we just cancelled.

Anyway, tonight before leaving the office he asked people if they fancied a drink. No one was up for it. He got stroppy again!! Saying “God, you’re all so boring; why do none of you ever want to go out?”

I could NOT let that go. I said, “Excuse me, but I went to a lot of effort to organise a team night out, and you pulled out with zero explanation. You had the option to come out with us and you weren’t bothered. How can you say now that no one’s ever interested in going out?”

He looked a bit taken aback; he obviously hadn’t expected me to call him on it. Then he got defensive and said “Well why does everything have to be organised? Couldn’t we just go for a drink spontaneously? I’d love that”. I pointed out that most of us drive to work and that some have childcare to consider, so yes, it DID need to be organised.

As I was going I heard him muttering about me, why was I having a go at him, what was my problem… I gritted my teeth and ignored him and left. But frankly, I REALLY don’t want to socialise with him now, spontaneously or otherwise.

Was I wrong to point out what he’d done?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 14/12/2023 08:41

Next time he calls you all boring just say, “We’re not boring, we just think you’re a wanker.” Or similar.

BlockadeRunner · 14/12/2023 08:54

Spontaneous drinks are a great but when people have commitments it’s just not possible. I think what you said was perfect. I’m assuming he doesn’t have commitments? I remember spontaneous nights out after work in my twenties that all stopped once I had DS. How old is he? Sounds like a PITA.

Fimofriend · 14/12/2023 08:59

I worked for a couple of years in a place where we could get a couple of beers or soft drinks after work in the canteen each Friday. One of my coworkers complained that most of us were boring because we never participated. "It is Friday! You need to socialize a bit. It is good for you. Have a life!".

She seriously thought that we all left early to go home and do chores and watch telly. It took quite a while for her to realize that the reason why we didn't participate was that we usually had plans with friends and/or relatives on Friday nights. I can't say I was too surprised to find out that she didn't really have any friends of her own, only her boyfriend's friends. She had zero empathy.

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/12/2023 09:04

Maray1967 · 13/12/2023 19:36

No, he needed telling. The spontaneous thing is very revealing - he clearly had no idea that some people have children to pick up.

And the fact that he continued to carp on about it after he was told shat, shows that he not only didn't know, but doesn't care, either!

Everything should be for his benefit.

Next time he starts on OP just say "No! You are right. We are all as boring as hell."

OR - I rather like @Brefugee 's idea of a secretly organised "spontaneous" post-work drink. Then all go to the pub, find a table in the corner and get a box of dominoes out . . . then start talking about your aches and pains and swapping a few home remedies for (say) bunions ("I always find that rubbing them with the cut end of half a potato works wonders". "A lady at the bus stop told me that bacon fat and cornflour in a poultice . . ." etc.)

Live up to your reputation. Force him out and then let your hair down in celebration!

He's an absolute arse.

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/12/2023 09:06

PuppyMonkey · 14/12/2023 08:41

Next time he calls you all boring just say, “We’re not boring, we just think you’re a wanker.” Or similar.

This is also good . . . 😂

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/12/2023 09:08

LookItsMeAgain · 14/12/2023 08:33

I'm going to echo the sentiments that have been posted so far. YWNBU in the slightest.

Priorities change as our lives change. I remember going out regularly with my work colleagues after work when I was footloose and fancy free and had no responsibilities or children or family of my own. Now, not so much because I do have responsibilities and while there isn't anyone saying that I can't go out, I do have to make sure that kids will get to their activities or be collected or whatever before I would commit to agreeing to go out after work.

If I were you, I'd ask to have a quiet word with said colleague today just to clear the air and say that you apologise if he was left with any impression that no one was 'having a go at him'. You were very disappointed that having everyone else available to go for drinks (due to their personal commitments) and having done this on the back of his earlier comments it was he who backed out even after he agreed that the date suited him.

Or you could just go about your day and say what a wonderful night it was, hopefully making him feel some level of regret that he wasn't there.

I'd ask to have a quiet word with said colleague today just to clear the air and say that you apologise

Bugger that!

He needed telling.

laclochette · 14/12/2023 09:11

Well done! You did everything right. You tried to accommodate him in a way that worked for everyone, and he let everyone down. He expects everyone to accommodate him on his terms or nothing, which is preposterous and selfish. He thinks like a child. Is he much younger than everyone else? This is what life was like for me when I was in my 20s. Once you're older and people have kids, committed partners and more responsibility at work, spontaneous evening drinks are almost impossible and anyone with half a brain and a smidgen of empathy should be able to see that, even if those circumstances don't apply to them.

ButterBastardBeans · 14/12/2023 09:12

You were restrained. How did you resist the urge to add, "There's a reason no-one wants to socialise with you XXXXX".

He's probably been watching Ally McBeal on Gold or something.

gamerchick · 14/12/2023 09:18

Brilliant. Bravo man Grin

Mumtime2 · 14/12/2023 09:22

His ego will be hurt 🤯
Men sometimes struggle to hear the truth.
Go you!

MsRosley · 14/12/2023 09:30

Workawayxx · 13/12/2023 19:43

Yanbu. He wants company completely on his terms, at short notice, when he doesn’t have a better offer 🙄🙄.

On the nail. Utterly self-centred bloke.

hsapposhit · 14/12/2023 09:31

He's a wanker.
He needed telling.
I'd ignore any whinging and moaning in future. If the others want to organize some kind of social event then fine, he can be invited, but that's it. No pandering to him and no setting up events just because he has moaned.
I'd not be wanting to go anywhere with him though. Right pain in the arse he is.

TorroFerney · 14/12/2023 09:55

StrugglingwithmyMH · 13/12/2023 23:52

You’re being unreasonable for thinking that procreating gives you the right to blow up at your colleague

Eh? Substitute kids with elderly relative, gym class, Spanish lesson, second job, . What an odd take on it.

Holdingontilljuly · 14/12/2023 10:01

Jheez no way would I apologise to that twat. Fingers crossed he leaves then you can all going to his leaving drinks 😂

ButterBastardBeans · 14/12/2023 10:26

Holdingontilljuly · 14/12/2023 10:01

Jheez no way would I apologise to that twat. Fingers crossed he leaves then you can all going to his leaving drinks 😂

😂

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/12/2023 10:35

Well of course you should all keep your diaries free and be primed and ready to jump up and say YES PLEASE! should he spontaneously decide to grace you all with his presence for a few drinks... but you probably wouldn't be scintillating enough company for one so adept at spontaneous socialising

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 14/12/2023 10:41

StrugglingwithmyMH · 13/12/2023 23:52

You’re being unreasonable for thinking that procreating gives you the right to blow up at your colleague

Er what? Confused. What a bizarre take on the OP.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 14/12/2023 10:42

GrumpyPanda · 13/12/2023 22:57

You didn't "blow up" at him by the sounds of it - you were blunt but measured and calm the way you describe it. Good on you.

Yep you called him out, not a "blow up".

Well done 👏

deydododatdodontdeydo · 14/12/2023 10:47

Don't worry about him muttering about you to colleagues, they likely think he's a wanker too.
Only takes one person to stand up to these boors, and others feel confident to speak out as well.

housethatbuiltme · 14/12/2023 10:56

It sounds like he has the opposite of what I struggled with at uni.

I got pregnant at 19, had my oldest at 20 and went to uni at 22. Not wildly older than standard uni students. As it was a popular long medical course many had had gap years/repeated A levels to get a higher score/not got accepted the previous year/done the foundation level too so people where anywhere between 19 and 22 anyway.

Only 4 of us in the class had kids though (and 2 where mature students with adult kids, the 3rd was my age but her parents where raising her kid while she was moved away to uni).

However they (not the 2 mature students they kept to themselves mostly, probably where sick of irritating 20 somethings lol) utterly couldn't grasp for the life of them why I couldn't just go out for spontaneous drinks after uni etc... or to parties, no matter how many time I told them I had a child to get home too.

Is he young-ish and just hasn't faced having any responsibilities in life before?

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves · 14/12/2023 11:54

Holdingontilljuly · 14/12/2023 10:01

Jheez no way would I apologise to that twat. Fingers crossed he leaves then you can all going to his leaving drinks 😂

No... you all say you're going to his leaving drinks but on the day itself "something... came up."!

Well done OP. As a PP put it, he obviously only wants to socialise with his work colleagues last minute when he's got no other plans and couldn't possibly consider that other people might actually, shock horror, have plans and commitments.

I had similar with a colleague once. A colleague was leaving and moving away so we were trying to organise some drinks for him. He (the person leaving) and me had set days we could do because of other commitments. The only thing the other colleague did in the evenings was go to the gym, but he absolutely refused to change his gym days around. Me and the leaving colleague had very fixed commitments that couldn't be swapped, but for some reason the other colleague thought his time was more precious and our plans should have been cancelled to fit his gym schedule.

Needless to say, just two of us went for drinks, moaned about him for a while, then had a fab evening!

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 14/12/2023 12:19

He sounds juvenile. Well done for calling him out

SinnerBoy · 14/12/2023 12:28

You could all get your heads together and pretend you'd all had a night on the tiles together and wind him up one morning.

Ha hah! Sharon, what are you like? I never thought I'd see you dancing on the tables!

And Tom, don't think we'll forget you disgracing yourself like that! Did your wife get the puke stains out?

He'll blow a gasket.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 14/12/2023 12:38

TorroFerney · 14/12/2023 09:55

Eh? Substitute kids with elderly relative, gym class, Spanish lesson, second job, . What an odd take on it.

Show quote history

Yes. Feeding the cats, yoga class, plans with other friends.

Who does & doesn’t have kids is completely irrelevant.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/12/2023 19:08

Emotionalsupportviper · 14/12/2023 09:08

I'd ask to have a quiet word with said colleague today just to clear the air and say that you apologise

Bugger that!

He needed telling.

Show quote history

I'd be happier if you could quote the WHOLE sentence rather than cherry picking the bit up to the word apologise.

The quote was that "I'd ask to have a quiet word with said colleague today just to clear the air and say that you apologise if he was left with the impression that anyone was 'having a go at him'.

I don't think it's fair to pick the first part and leave the bit in bold out. I'm not suggesting that the OP apologise for what was said because that clearly needed saying, just that if he was left with a misguided impression that anyone was having a go at him, then it is that misguided impression that needs to be cleared up.