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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have blown up at colleague

121 replies

CherryShirt · 13/12/2023 19:33

I have quite a loud/forthright colleague in my team of eight, not known for his tact - if it’s in his brain, it comes out of his mouth. It irritates me sometimes, but it’s not a major problem. Or so I thought!

In recent weeks, his bugbear has been that our team is unsociable; nobody ever goes for a drink after work, it’s boring, can’t we go out etc. I noticed he’s never tried to organise anything himself 🙄 but I thought, why not, and I said “Okay - let’s get something in the diary. When are good dates for people?” We agreed on dates and a venue.

A few days before, I asked him in general conversation if he was looking forward to Thursday. He said, “Oh yeah, I went to say - I can’t make it now”. I was quite taken aback and asked what had happened. He replied, “I’ve… made other plans?” (In other words, he got a better offer.) This is despite the whole thing being organised because he pushed for it. A couple of others then pulled out on the basis that they had only really been going because he’d made a fuss. In the end we just cancelled.

Anyway, tonight before leaving the office he asked people if they fancied a drink. No one was up for it. He got stroppy again!! Saying “God, you’re all so boring; why do none of you ever want to go out?”

I could NOT let that go. I said, “Excuse me, but I went to a lot of effort to organise a team night out, and you pulled out with zero explanation. You had the option to come out with us and you weren’t bothered. How can you say now that no one’s ever interested in going out?”

He looked a bit taken aback; he obviously hadn’t expected me to call him on it. Then he got defensive and said “Well why does everything have to be organised? Couldn’t we just go for a drink spontaneously? I’d love that”. I pointed out that most of us drive to work and that some have childcare to consider, so yes, it DID need to be organised.

As I was going I heard him muttering about me, why was I having a go at him, what was my problem… I gritted my teeth and ignored him and left. But frankly, I REALLY don’t want to socialise with him now, spontaneously or otherwise.

Was I wrong to point out what he’d done?

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 14/12/2023 03:55

I think you were quite dignified and restrained to be honest! The fact he was muttering about you nastily afterwards would’ve made me see red!!

HoppingPavlova · 14/12/2023 04:39

I am the person who voted YABU as this is where you went wrong:

In recent weeks, his bugbear has been that our team is unsociable; nobody ever goes for a drink after work, it’s boring, can’t we go out etc. I noticed he’s never tried to organise anything himself 🙄 but I thought, why not, and I said “Okay - let’s get something in the diary. When are good dates for people?” We agreed on dates and a venue

Why. On. Earth.
YABVU for entertaining this twat at the outset. Why would you all want to go out with such a winger? Why would most of you want to go out with people from work, period? Workmates don’t have to be friends. There is no obligation. Polite and civil during work hours, you don’t have to do anything beyond that. Why you humoured him is a mystery. If he wants to go out for drinks he should message his friends, not harass his teammates, and you should not have facilitated this. Then it would never have ended up where it did.

Kimten · 14/12/2023 04:54

He's a twat.
You did the right thing.

PriOn1 · 14/12/2023 05:05

YABU in describing what sounds like a perfectly reasoned, calm response as having “blown up”.

Other than that, good on you. He obviously only wants to go out with colleagues when there’s nothing better on offer. Presumably (and understandably) he hates his own company so much that he has to spend time haranguing people he doesn’t like much to spend time with him when he can’t find anyone else. All the rest of you have lives.

MrsRachelDanvers · 14/12/2023 06:34

Ugh-love my colleagues to work with but am not interested in anything outside work-his attitude would be really annoying. Well done you for organising but I’m afraid I would’ve just said that I enjoy being antisocial-what’s his excuse?

MeridianB · 14/12/2023 06:36

He’s an idiot. Ignore his nonsense. You did the right thing.

Oblomov23 · 14/12/2023 06:37

Good for you for politely telling him. He sounds like an irritating pain.

bananablues · 14/12/2023 06:39

He is an attention seeking, alpha male, willy waving arse. All mouth, no action.

Next time he starts make a comment about whining men who do nothing are pretty boring & tedious as well.

Swishyfishy · 14/12/2023 06:40

You both sound annoying

Rocksonabeach · 14/12/2023 07:13

No one is required to socialise or do anything personal with anyone from work off the work clock etc

we have a pub thing on a Friday after work pub goes up on a whiteboard on the Monday and we have 200 colleagues of that maybe ten will go for a drink. I can’t I have children -

no one bats an eyelid.

he’s behaving like a tiny child demanding others play with him.

you should not have entertained his shit. He’s welcome to ask and everyone is welcome to refuse.

LemonJeIIy · 14/12/2023 07:16

I would have said Yes let's all meet at the pub tonight, and then change my plans last minute and not turn up

TheAlchemistElixa · 14/12/2023 07:19

HelplessSoul · 13/12/2023 20:20

He sounds like a cunt. And acts like it.

He's the type that would order loads and make others pay for it.

Avoid socialising with this parasite.

Wow! Calm down a bit! 🤣

FedUpMumof10YO · 14/12/2023 07:22

Let me guess he's gen z with no kids?

QueenBean22 · 14/12/2023 07:22

You didn’t really blow up at him. You were very civil

ohdamnitjanet · 14/12/2023 07:32

Well done, I’d love to have witnessed that and had a good old laugh at him.

Zanatdy · 14/12/2023 07:38

Some teams are very social, others not. If he’s not happy he’s welcome to apply for other jobs. Or organise things with friends

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/12/2023 07:46

Sounds like an irritating and inconsiderate little arse! Good you spoke up!

SinnerBoy · 14/12/2023 07:51

LemonJeIIy · Today 07:16

I would have said Yes let's all meet at the pub tonight, and then change my plans last minute and not turn up

Yes, get everyone in on the act with, "I'll be there in a few minutes, just need to go to Tesco Extra / the opticians...." Next morning as he whinges, tell him, "Well now YOU know what it's like to be left in the lurch."

ANightingale · 14/12/2023 08:00

He was unreasonable to drop out of the night you'd organised, for no good reason.

It sounds like a communication breakdown exacerbated by differing personal circumstances.

I do get what he meant when he said he had in mind spontaneous socialising rather than organised events, but he should have pointed this out when you started organising something.

He will have to accept that others' responsibilities mean that after-work drinks with zero notice aren't going to happen. I can see why he would find that disappointing if he is often at a loose end in his free time, particularly if he lives on his own - but, that's no-one's fault.

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 14/12/2023 08:10

YANBU he's an idiot expecting everyone to just drop whatever they were doing to accommodate him! Most of us can't just spontaneously decide to go to the pub because we have plans, responsibilities and things to do after work. He had no issue dropping the plans you made and now he's mad because people can't just do whatever he wants, when he wants?

What an absolute jerk.

Dery · 14/12/2023 08:23

The only unreasonable thing you’ve done, @CherryShirt, is to describe yourself as having blown up at him. To me it sounds like you were very civilised in what you said - I don’t call that blowing up - and it definitely needed to be said! Good for you.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/12/2023 08:33

I'm going to echo the sentiments that have been posted so far. YWNBU in the slightest.

Priorities change as our lives change. I remember going out regularly with my work colleagues after work when I was footloose and fancy free and had no responsibilities or children or family of my own. Now, not so much because I do have responsibilities and while there isn't anyone saying that I can't go out, I do have to make sure that kids will get to their activities or be collected or whatever before I would commit to agreeing to go out after work.

If I were you, I'd ask to have a quiet word with said colleague today just to clear the air and say that you apologise if he was left with any impression that no one was 'having a go at him'. You were very disappointed that having everyone else available to go for drinks (due to their personal commitments) and having done this on the back of his earlier comments it was he who backed out even after he agreed that the date suited him.

Or you could just go about your day and say what a wonderful night it was, hopefully making him feel some level of regret that he wasn't there.

TheCatfordCat · 14/12/2023 08:37

Maybe he has no friends and work colleagues are the only people he talks to all day.

I work on Tube stations and In've heard stories of train operators only speaking on the train radio or to their manager every day, day in and day out. Being a TO is very lonely. Not the same as Ops situation but there are a lot of lonely people out there.

But aside from that, expecting the team to abandon their responsibilities to go spontaneously to the pub then accusing them of being boring is a dickish move.

shearwater2 · 14/12/2023 08:38

I think you dodged a bullet with him not coming on your night out. What a shame 💃

5128gap · 14/12/2023 08:40

No, I'd have done the same. Next time he calls you boring I'd call that out too, as its extremely rude. Id point out that not wanting to go and sit in a pub with him didn't make his colleagues boring, it just meant they had other things they preferred to do.