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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have blown up at colleague

121 replies

CherryShirt · 13/12/2023 19:33

I have quite a loud/forthright colleague in my team of eight, not known for his tact - if it’s in his brain, it comes out of his mouth. It irritates me sometimes, but it’s not a major problem. Or so I thought!

In recent weeks, his bugbear has been that our team is unsociable; nobody ever goes for a drink after work, it’s boring, can’t we go out etc. I noticed he’s never tried to organise anything himself 🙄 but I thought, why not, and I said “Okay - let’s get something in the diary. When are good dates for people?” We agreed on dates and a venue.

A few days before, I asked him in general conversation if he was looking forward to Thursday. He said, “Oh yeah, I went to say - I can’t make it now”. I was quite taken aback and asked what had happened. He replied, “I’ve… made other plans?” (In other words, he got a better offer.) This is despite the whole thing being organised because he pushed for it. A couple of others then pulled out on the basis that they had only really been going because he’d made a fuss. In the end we just cancelled.

Anyway, tonight before leaving the office he asked people if they fancied a drink. No one was up for it. He got stroppy again!! Saying “God, you’re all so boring; why do none of you ever want to go out?”

I could NOT let that go. I said, “Excuse me, but I went to a lot of effort to organise a team night out, and you pulled out with zero explanation. You had the option to come out with us and you weren’t bothered. How can you say now that no one’s ever interested in going out?”

He looked a bit taken aback; he obviously hadn’t expected me to call him on it. Then he got defensive and said “Well why does everything have to be organised? Couldn’t we just go for a drink spontaneously? I’d love that”. I pointed out that most of us drive to work and that some have childcare to consider, so yes, it DID need to be organised.

As I was going I heard him muttering about me, why was I having a go at him, what was my problem… I gritted my teeth and ignored him and left. But frankly, I REALLY don’t want to socialise with him now, spontaneously or otherwise.

Was I wrong to point out what he’d done?

OP posts:
PinkBuffalo · 13/12/2023 20:46

Yanbu! I do not have kids but last thing I want to do is go out with colleagues after work. They are colleagues no friends
Plus I have gym class to get to

Beaverbridge · 13/12/2023 20:51

Good for you, these types need to get called out.

1983Louise · 13/12/2023 20:57

Is he 10, if so smack his arse and tell him to grow up...........

Cocolapew · 13/12/2023 20:57

I think he asks because he knows people can't make it. Then he sounds like he's always up for it but his colleagues are too boring, whereas he's Mr. Party Animal.

whynotwhatknot · 13/12/2023 20:59

what a knob he sounds about 12

diddl · 13/12/2023 21:03

Perhaps if he keeps asking & people keep refusing he needs to take the hint!

So when was he going to say that he couldn't make it I wonder!

Leave him to organise the next one.

Chickenkeev · 13/12/2023 21:05

I put YABU, but merely for the fact that you can't argue with stupid.

CatWoman12345 · 13/12/2023 21:16

He doesn’t actually want to go out with you lot, he wants to make himself out as a fun party goer, he’s a secret introvert who goes home to his cat and a book.

ActDottie · 13/12/2023 22:22

Woooo good for you! It sounded like he needed to be pulled up on it.

LittlePudding1 · 13/12/2023 22:40

Good for you op, you are 100% in the right for calling him out
I bet he's one of these "I'm so much fun" people when in reality he's boring as fuck

Gymnopedie · 13/12/2023 22:52

It's a pity that when you said 'with no explanation', you didn't say 'because you thought you got a better offer' instead.

Next time he wants to go out call him on it. 'Oh, not got a better offer tonight Nigel?'

GrumpyPanda · 13/12/2023 22:57

You didn't "blow up" at him by the sounds of it - you were blunt but measured and calm the way you describe it. Good on you.

SinnerBoy · 13/12/2023 23:05

He sounds like a tedious, selfish, inconsiderate, childish tosser. You were absolutely right to put him straight.

And I can't believe that 16 people have voted that you were unreasonable! Perhaps it's his family!

LittleOwl153 · 13/12/2023 23:12

It's a shame it got cancelled - you could have all had a great time without him... then called HIM boring!!

ChocolateCinderToffee · 13/12/2023 23:15

I would have said ‘We have all got social lives - but not with YOU!’

Couldyounot · 13/12/2023 23:25

Nice one, OP

StrugglingwithmyMH · 13/12/2023 23:52

You’re being unreasonable for thinking that procreating gives you the right to blow up at your colleague

Gymnopedie · 14/12/2023 01:51

StrugglingwithmyMH · 13/12/2023 23:52

You’re being unreasonable for thinking that procreating gives you the right to blow up at your colleague

Is that what you took from the OP? You must have skipped over a lot of it.

MariaLuna · 14/12/2023 02:08

Pathetic man.

Not your problem.

Don,t make it yours.

LuciaPillson · 14/12/2023 02:10

Gymnopedie · 13/12/2023 22:52

It's a pity that when you said 'with no explanation', you didn't say 'because you thought you got a better offer' instead.

Next time he wants to go out call him on it. 'Oh, not got a better offer tonight Nigel?'

See now, in my mind his name is not Nigel, it's Charlton. As in, 'So what would you have us do, Charlton? Should we snort a bathtub full of cocaine, dress up as weasels, climb up on the town hall roof and have a yodelling contest, then sneak into the zoo and wank off all the meerkats? Is that what we ought to be doing to avoid being boring in your eyes Charlton? Well is it? IS IT??'

Ger1atricMillennial · 14/12/2023 02:39

Def-Con level diva it's all about him, I suggest he finds another place to work. Do not waste any of your outside of work time on him ever.

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 14/12/2023 03:19

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2023 20:12

He's a total div and you're 100% right.

I haven't heard 'div' in years. I was considering 'wazzock' but div is to the point.

TammyJones · 14/12/2023 03:24

Maray1967 · 13/12/2023 19:36

No, he needed telling. The spontaneous thing is very revealing - he clearly had no idea that some people have children to pick up.

THIS
Well done op.
It's called Boundaries.
So now carry on and ignore him, while he has his childish tantrum.
I for one would be silently cheering you on, as I bet many in your team were Grin

TammyJones · 14/12/2023 03:29

GrumpyPanda · 13/12/2023 22:57

You didn't "blow up" at him by the sounds of it - you were blunt but measured and calm the way you describe it. Good on you.

I agree it was a very dignified response- well done.

LauderSyme · 14/12/2023 03:41

YANBU at all. Completely fair to point out what he'd done and call him out. Knob.