Ex keeps saying he doesn't want to see ds

[hiddy]

Long back story of abuse.

He has seen ds a handful of times since early September.

He is like a toddler having a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and he says the most ridiculous things without thinking. I know from experience there is no stopping him when he's in this mood.

3 times now since October he has sent me emails saying he doesnt want to see ds.

I thought we were getting somewhere and he saw ds for the first time the other day in ages.

Now he's kicked off again with me and sent me another email to say he doesn't want to see him. It's because of me - he can't cope with how I treat him which is grey rock.

What do I do? He's 100% going to come back and want contact again. I can't keep doing this. It's not fair on ds (he is just 6). Ds is unaware of what his dad is saying obviously. But he has no idea when he is seeing his dad again and neither do I.

Hes never going to change.

UPDATE:

I am absolutely fuming/heartbroken.

Exh is with ds now. He was supposed to collect ds at 9.30 from my mum. I dropped ds off at 9am with a Christmas card and chocolates for his dad from ds.

I got a text from exh at 9.30 saying he had slept in. He had been out last night and doesn't have his car. He needed to arrange someone to help him get his car and then he would come and collect ds. He was going to be late. He then asked if I could drop ds off. I was already busy at this point on my way out.

I replied and said no. He then asked if my mum could drop him off with ex instead. I felt like saying no as this isn't the arrangement however ds was so excited to see his dad and wanted to give his dad his card and chocolate that I called my mum and she agreed to drop ds off with him.

She dropped him off and rang me. She said he was really hungover. His mum is there so I hope ds is ok.

I have text him to check ds is ok 2 hours ago and he hasn't replied to me.

Absolutely nothing is straightforward with him. He still hasn't paid maintenance so I've gone to cms.

He hasn't put ds first at all here has he? This is the 2nd day he's seen ds since October.

Hes absolutely shit. I don't know what to do going forward.

Sorry I just need to vent.

Tell him if he can’t stick to contact arrangements and put his child first he can’t have contact.

Why is he able to text you? Thought you had blocked him?

You are not helping yourself here. Stop dancing to his tune. Emails to arrange contact via a third party. Don’t change your arrangements.

If you’re worried about your son being upset then don’t tell him he might be seeing his father, just drop him off with his grandma for the day and then it’s his dad’s choice whether he turns up or not. Just make sure your mum is free in case he doesn’t.

He emailed and asked for a FaceTime for ds yesterday which I agreed too so I had to unblock him in order to do this. It was then that ex told ds about seeing him today. Not me - him. To which ds got very excited which is why we've done the whole card and chocolate thing.

I then decided to keep him unblocked today incase of emergency with ds. I don't feel comfortable with ds being in his care and not able to ring me if there was anything urgent.

I don't check the email address all the time, I have to log in to check it. I'd just be sat all day checking it if he remained blocked and I have a busy day today.

In situations like this, I'm glad he is unblocked because I am worried sick - ds comes first whenever he is with his dad. I will take any sort of abuse his dad gives me as long as I know ds is safe.

I don't feel it is wrong to do this, I need him to be able to contact me if I case of emergency. My mum isn't great with her phone so I don't want to rely on her for this.

As soon as ds is back with me, he will be blocked again. He has only been unblocked since yesterday.

I am doing what my gut tells me to do as a mum but clearly I can't win

I say this with kindness OP because I have been EXACTLY where you are.
Your ex sounds v similar to my ex, you are still allowing him to control you.
Good move with the CMS.
You need to set days in advance where he can see your DS obviously xmas is difficult and different, but if he doesn't turn up, he doesn't turn up stop bending over backwards for him. In the new year I'd make your son available on certain days if ex can't be bothered you can't make him. He doesn't like the days? He can take you to court.
I know it's hard, it will get easier but you have to take control

I had to block my ex on everything and look at it logically, what emergency would he need you in? He's an adult and his parent he will have to deal with it. If you really don't think he is able to cope you shouldn't be sending your son.
Or get a cheap phone with a simcard you only switch on when your son is with him.

You can't change other people's behaviour, you can only change yours towards them. It will get easier as you get stronger I promise you.
He is still playing stupid games, stop allowing him to and he will get bored of it.

This is a very sensible suggestion by @Onionsmadeofglass

Set out what you are prepared to do, you can't force him to see his DS so all you can do is outline the schedule that works for you and the notice he's required to give you. Put all in writing and get on with that divorce pronto!

He’d have to take me to court. Constant, reliable contact is of course a yes. Filtering in and out of their lives when they feel like it is a big no, my kids deserve stability not to be constant let down and insecure about how valued they are.

I filed for divorce on Thursday. Applied for cms yesterday.

I'm not speaking to him unless he gets in touch with me. Zero emotion in any replies.

I only unblocked him yesterday for the FaceTime as I feel I need to show I am not stopping his relationship with ds.

I am at breaking point trying to get over his abuse, find the courage to file for divorce and cms....whilst trying to co-parent. Not that any of this is conparenting.

Social services do want to help. They wanted to do a safe guarding test on him - I think I'll agree to that now after today.

I'm really trying to be and do everything all whilst trying to give the kids a good Christmas. I'm absolutely exhausted.

I'm going to see how ds is when he gets back. Not by asking him lots of questions or by putting him under any sort of pressure but just see with his general mood.

Ds doesn't even ask after his dad anymore. He used to get emotional about missing his dad but not now.

The card he did for his dad was absolutely beautiful. He put so much effort into it. All I could do was supportive and pray that his dad didn't let him down.

Hes not capable of being a reasonable coparent. He is not putting your DS first, he's putting his selfish needs first.

You are doing everything right! Its hell but you can’t change that. Keep taking care if business. Take care of yourself as well as ds. You will come out the other side eventually.

100%.

Last night was the night where all the builders and trades people go out - I get it. It happens every year. But why the hell that is more important than time with ds who he has hardly seen, I have no idea

@hiddy and if he only arranged yesterday he'd have known he had the night out and would be hungover. He's obviously arranged this in response to the divorce filing the day before.

I feel for you Hiddy. It's clear to see how much you are trying to protect your child. He's lucky he has you

Because he knows that you care and will pander to his selfish shit.
After Xmas leave him to it. He will get bored, the SS thing, calling you an unfit mum, sulking when you grey rock, messing with maintenance it's classic behaviour from abusive dickheads when they are losing control.
He knows you will go out of your way for your son = he doesn't have to.

He doesn't know I've filed yet I don't think but he knows I have a solicitor. They have his letter ready to send but I've asked for it to be sent in the year just to avoid anymore of his shit over Christmas. My solicitor has been great.

Thank you, I'm really glad to see it shows on here how much I care and love my son. He will be home soon and honestly I can't wait to get him home, get our pjs on and just snuggle.

The next day he will supposedly see ds is 6th Jan. It will be interesting to see if he wants anymore contact over Xmas.

@Nchanged89 I just feel like I can't win. If I didn't do the FaceTime, ds wouldn't have known about the visit and we wouldn't have done the card and chocolate that was all his idea. But I feel I need to show I am somewhat supportive of their relationship which is why I allowed the FaceTime and chocolate and card.

If it wasn't for the card and the gift, I would have said no and I don't think exh would have benn particular bothered if he didn't have him as he was hungover. The issue was the card and chocolate that ds was desperate to give. He was so excited.

He never really let his other son down like this who he no longer sees but I suppose that's because I was there to do it all. And I was there to make sure at least one of us were always looking after him properly.

He's back. He introduced ds to his new girlfriend that he's been with for a month.

Well that sums him up and what today was about really.
His selfish needs over your sons needs.

@Nchanged89 I won't lie, I have absolutely sobbed my heart out. Today has been too much.

I've never ever done anything wrong to him. He has absolutely destroyed me and it doesn't stop even when we are separated

It can stop if you put a stop to it.

I was exactly the same as you, I jumped to everything my ex said, every threat, took every stupid comment and stunt to heart.
I just snapped one day and told him ( by email) it had to stop, no more threats, I didn't want to hear his thought and comments on my parenting. Told him what days the kids were available and if he didn't like it he needed to get a solicitor to contact me as I had NOTHING more to say to him ever again. It took me about 3 years to get to that point though.

My kids have seen him for what he is, he got his new partner and went from threatening full custody to not being bothered anymore.
I never bad mouthed him to the kids, when he was wishy-washy I dealt with it the best I could.
SS told him to shut up years ago, he does and pays the bare minimum. After counselling and gaining back control of the situation I sleep on a night now without having nightmares about him. I no longer have to hear his voice or read his bullying passive aggressive rants by text or email because he got bored, he got bored because I didn't react to it anymore.

@Nchanged89 thanks so much for all your advice. I do appreciate it. I've cried so much that I've got a massive headache. I can't believe the lengths he goes too to try hurt me.

Seen as today, he hasn't put ds first at all, I'll get my solicitor to write him a letter with the contact I will agree too - every other Saturday 9.30 -4.30. This is all I will allow.

They offered to do it before but I said I would wait for social services to see us. I'll call them after Christmas too. We have been referred for early help as I've already said. I don't think they will be impressed with today at all.

Thanks for alll your advice. I'm going to try keep going for the kids but I imagine I'll spend the rest of the nights trying not to cry if I'm honest

Take a deep breath, I know it's hard when he gets under your skin like this. Don't let your son see you upset.

You can get a control on this. Document everything. Create a paper trail.
Engage with SS, they have seen this a million times, this kind of abuse does get worse after you split. I considered taking him back a few times because it wasn't as bad when be was under the same roodf as me.
You are doing well, you are putting your sons needs before your own but you need to really take control of the whole situation, how dare he make you feel like this.
Just keep going, it won't last forever, just don't wait as long as I did, he made me so ill I couldn't be the parent I wanted to be and then goaded me when my mental health was so bad.
Watch a xmas movie with your son, reblock him and don't let him upset you anymore tonight. He doesn't give a shit about today. He will get bored of this eventually I promise, but you need to protect yourself with everything you can.
I look at my ex now with pity, he is a sad excuse of a man, you are so much better than this.

Argh, this guy is a waste of space and not fit to be called a father.

Sending all good wishes to you and your son and the rest of your family for a lovely Christmas.

And good riddance to this idiot in 2024, honestly.

You sound like you are doing all the right things. Stay strong.

Thank you. I'm never usually bothered for the new year but I can't wait for this one! Just me and ds welcoming it together.

Thank you, I'm just passed it with him at this point. He's a complete waste of space. I