Ex keeps saying he doesn't want to see ds

[hiddy]

Long back story of abuse.

He has seen ds a handful of times since early September.

He is like a toddler having a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and he says the most ridiculous things without thinking. I know from experience there is no stopping him when he's in this mood.

3 times now since October he has sent me emails saying he doesnt want to see ds.

I thought we were getting somewhere and he saw ds for the first time the other day in ages.

Now he's kicked off again with me and sent me another email to say he doesn't want to see him. It's because of me - he can't cope with how I treat him which is grey rock.

What do I do? He's 100% going to come back and want contact again. I can't keep doing this. It's not fair on ds (he is just 6). Ds is unaware of what his dad is saying obviously. But he has no idea when he is seeing his dad again and neither do I.

Hes never going to change.

Just make sure you get the money your DS is due from his deadbeat dad

Thought I'd just update this thread.

He's emailed me today saying he is going to pick ds up on Saturday morning and he always wants me to provide him with the number for social services as he would like to speak to them himself.

No idea what to do.

Tell him to use Google.
Why is he asking you for the number ?
And why is any of this a social services matter?

@Nchanged89 that's probably going to be my exact response. I see it more as a threat.

Though social services have been involved. I've been told I should have an early help worker to deal with all this so I'm going to phone them on Monday anyway. I've spoken to them twice in the last couple of weeks. He knows I have spoken to them so probably wants to get his side across.

Though social services were really happy with me when I spoke to them and the steps I had taken. They advised little contact through a 3rd party.

Suppose I shouldn't worry about it but I can't help it

It is a threat

Why are SS involved?

Because I called the police a couple of months ago.

The police automatically pass your details and the incident on to social services.

he always wants me to provide him with the number for social services as he would like to speak to them himself.

Nah don't tell him anything. Just ignore that part as it's not your job to be his secretary. As a PP said he can use Google.

Also if SS want to speak to him they will ask you for his contact details.

As above, tell him nothing. You dont need to. You've been going grey rock and he hates it, this is just another thing to get you to respond.

If you're happy for him to see your son, reply to that part. Ignore the shit about social services.

I would set up one of the parenting apps and direct all contact with him through that. If he wants to facetime he needs to make the arrangement through the app. No other contact. If you have an old or spare phone get a cheap sim and set that up for the facetime and only switch it on when the arrangements are made.

Apply to CMS and get your divorce sorted ASAP- using a solicitor for that contact.

He is playing you, wanting you to go begging....

I just don't understand why I'm so scared of him still.

Because of what you went through in the relationship, I was in a very similar situation. It took me a long time to not be so scared any more, counselling for PTSD helped me.
The comment he made about uou giving him the number for SS reminded me of my ex and the way he behaved and spoke to me.

@Nchanged89 thank you. I often wonder about ptsd. I still have therapy every now and then so I may book another session to help go through it all.

As he is so charming, I don't have many that actually understand and I feel like it's me going crazy half of the time.

I'm sorry that my experience brought back painful memories for you x

I think I'd email him back saying you'll make ds available to him to collect from x at x time. If he's not arrived within 30 mins you'll be taking ds out for the far. I'd not even mention ss, if he wants to speak to them he can do the same as everyone else and google the number

Don’t chase him. He doesn’t turn up - don’t suggest another one just leave it

Honestly let him take you to you to court.

Save the emails and protect your son.

An absent dad is better than a bad dad

Thanks for all the comments. They do help.

I'm going to ring social services again tomorrow. I've been trying to get them to call me for the last 2 weeks. I'm not going to say anything to ex until I've hopefully spoken to them

I'm not going to say anything to ex until I've hopefully spoken to them

You don't say anything to ex regardless.

You aren't his PA.

If SS ask for his contact details then give them to SS. They can then contact him if they want to.

I would take it as a good thing that he has documented it all for you. Print out and send on incase your lose your emailed and texts. Don’t force him to see your son try and make up for it, it’s his decision and your lives will be easier parenting solo. Don’t pretend to give your son gifts from dad etc, just tell your son the people in his life love him.

Leaving it for him to contact and then having to go back and forth trying to arrange times and dates every time he wants contact is a mistake. Make a set schedule and he either uses that contact time or he doesn’t.

You know his schedule so choose something that will work with his work schedule. Say your contact is every Tuesday from 3-7 and every Saturday from 8-2. Please confirm it at least 24 hours ahead or else you will make other plans. If he uses all the contact he has then you discuss increasing it. No way I would get into a negotiation and a back and forth over every contact.

I haven't responded but he has sent another email today again asking for the details for social services and to ask how ds is.

Last week he didn't want to see him again. It's just ridiculous

Don’t stress about him asking about social services. They have enough experience to be able to recognise when someone is threatening to call social services as an abuse tactic. They’ll soon see through the “concerned dad” who is so concerned he rarely sees the child he’s worried about.

Don't engage with him regarding SS;he has google.

If he wants to know how your DS is he can arrange a phone call with him.

He's still angling for contact with you.

I'm just scared also because my divorce is literally about to start. My solicitor has drafted a letter ready to send to him. I might ask her to put it off sending him it until after Christmas.

I still haven't responded.

He can't arrange a call as he is blocked - I would unblock him so he can speak to ds but that's when it usually goes wrong. Ds is only 5 and not the interested in speaking and I always hold the phone for him and try encourage ds to speak however ex then turns the call on to me.

He can't arrange a call as he is blocked - I would unblock him so he can speak to ds but that's when it usually goes wrong. Ds is only 5 and not the interested in speaking and I always hold the phone for him and try encourage ds to speak however ex then turns the call on to me.

Firstly it is worth remembering both emails and text messages are not instantaneous methods of communication.

Secondly if ex ever turns the call on you end the call immediately. No-one can force you to continue with a call you don't want to speak on. Yes you do really have that power.

Thirdly you need to take a couple of proactive steps to manage his communication so you are less afraid.

Get a new number by getting a PAYG sim and handset. Get your solicitor to add that is your new number to the letter being sent. Switch the phone off between calls and just do whatever you need to do to keep that phone active.

Set up a new free email address. Move every single person and company to this new email address except him and anyone who is likely to give him your new email address. It will take you about 6 weeks for the bulk of people/companies. Log on to it twice a week or so when you are in the company of other people. This is to deal with the few stragglers who may take 6-8 months to be told what your new email address is plus him. After 6 months log on once a week again in the company of other people to see if he's emailed you. (If he gets your new email address treat his emails like spam and bounce his messages.)

Your ex may still harass you after doing all this but you will be able to easily show everyone without having to filter messages that he's called you and emailed you.

So today I contacted social services myself. She was lovely.

She said we are going to have an 'early help wokrer' which is what was recommend to my by my local domestic abuse organisation.

She said it is clear by what I've said that exh is just using my son to get at me. She can understand why I feel so scared.

She said he is more than welcome to speak to them however if he speaks to them about more contact, they will tell him to go to court.

If he says that I am an unfit mother in anyway, they ready know this isn't the case and although they would investigate, I have nothing to worry about and it will only look bad on him.

They said they will really try help me and ds through this.

I feel much better. I am allowing contact for one day this weekend and have my mum to do the handover as a 3rd party.

I feel much more supported now. Social services said they will be in touch in a few days as she doesn't want to leave it. She said I can also think about a welfare check but we will discuss that later.