Ex keeps saying he doesn't want to see ds

[hiddy]

Long back story of abuse.

He has seen ds a handful of times since early September.

He is like a toddler having a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and he says the most ridiculous things without thinking. I know from experience there is no stopping him when he's in this mood.

3 times now since October he has sent me emails saying he doesnt want to see ds.

I thought we were getting somewhere and he saw ds for the first time the other day in ages.

Now he's kicked off again with me and sent me another email to say he doesn't want to see him. It's because of me - he can't cope with how I treat him which is grey rock.

What do I do? He's 100% going to come back and want contact again. I can't keep doing this. It's not fair on ds (he is just 6). Ds is unaware of what his dad is saying obviously. But he has no idea when he is seeing his dad again and neither do I.

Hes never going to change.

I was in your position and I forced the issue by taking it to court myself. I wanted an enforceable court order so that I could go back to court when he let our DC down repeatedly. I wanted him to be answerable to someone apart from me. I hoped that taking it to court would wake him up and make him realise what he was jeopardising each time he didn't turn up or was abusive. He also had addiction issues.
Ultimately the court agreed with me that I was allowed to make safeguarding decisions before each visit. And he never asked to see our DC again.

I haven't asked him to see ds. The ball is completely in his court. I've been waiting for him to ask to start context again. He did and had 1 day. A few days later it's turned back to this again.

I'm sort of getting maintenance. I had to week 2. weeks for the last payment and ask for it constantly.

Now I've blocked him, I can guarantee I won't get it this week so I'll go to cms next week.

In all fairness, he was giving me much more than I'd ever get through cms but he won't set up a standing order to pay. Again, it's all about control.

If I go to cms, he will 100% rub it in my face that I now get less than he would have given me if I hadn't. But as he won't set up regular payments, im not sure what I'm supposed to do

So he's refusing to see DS to punish you?

I think you should call it out, but not expect any positive response. "You're upset with me and taking it out on DS. That's sad."

Then move on to the next agreed date.

Unfortunately, men like this have zero actual interest in their children.

Having no contact is better than crap contact in my opinion. You can tell your ds that his dad was unwell when he's older and that's why he couldn't see him. Better that than having him come and go and make your son feel insecure (which it will, that's the worst thing).

Just ignore his emails. He's either looking for attention or he's genuinely trying to tell you he doesn't want contact. Either way, his emails are pointless and irrelevant.

It sounds like you're still emotionally attached to him. Work on empowering yourself and your son so that you can both see what a dead weight your ex is and emotionally move on. Good luck, I know it's not easy.

Print the emails off in case your email provider ever crashes and loses them. Forward them to a different email address of yours too. Also keep any where you are going out of your way to arrange contact.

Then leave him to it and be delighted that your child doesn't have this dick in their life any more.

Oh I am still attached to him in some way. 100% but it's good that I can at least see it. I was very trauma bonded to him.

But I've had therapy and still continue to have it when needed, I've worked with my local domestic abuse charity and I've done the freedom programme which was the best thing I've ever done. I really am trying so hard and I am doing so much better.

On top of what's best for ds, I can't take his abuse either. I can't even see him. My mum did the handover for me last time. It would be much better if he was out of my life that's for sure.

I've rang social services. Someone will call me back soon - I've spoken to them before about him so hopefully they can help.

Also, does anyone think I should call the police about this?

Ive made 3 reports on him on the past. Hes never been arrested but it's just so they can build up a picture to what he's like if he ever were to become worse.

The police always tell me to call them up about a it if that he does but I don't want to call them every time he shouts at me. That seems like I'm being really petty which I don't want to come across as.

I've been in this situation. Stop sending your son. I had to because my ex kept making court applications and then not taking up the contact or cancelling it and then disappearing again until the next application citing parental alienation. It was utterly draining and the effect on my child was catastrophic. Eventually court ended the contact order and i've been left to pick up the pieces.

Let him take you to court and in the meantime cut him off. Your son needs a stable parent and he's not a toy to be picked up and discarded at a whim.

It sounds like you have made great strides in getting away from him/realising that you were in an abusive relationship. Don't worry about seeming petty, make sure they know there's a potentially violent man situation. See if they can advise you. Seek out other organisations with experience in this. You're doing so well, more power to you ❤️

I’m having second thoughts about my suggestion.
If he’s been abusive to you to the point you’re needing to make police reports then I’m not so sure a once-a-month invitation is a great idea. It might still be because it shows you’re willing to facilitate a relationship between your son and his dad, and it might cut down on angry/unhelpful email exchanges. But yeah, I can see that actually it might be great if he’d just fuck off and disappear.
I think a chat with a family lawyer might be a good idea, just to see what they recommend in terms of offering contact with shit dads who might take you to court but who probably won’t.
If you want your son to have an ongoing relationship with their half sibling, could you contact their mother directly? Depends on what she’s like and what the dynamic was when you were a stepparent but if things are quite amicable it might be nice for the kids. It could be pretty minimal too, maybe sending each other birthday cards and meeting up once a year or so or just sending occasional email updates so the kids have that continued link.

Sadly his behaviour is text book. Now you’ve left he’s likely using the only things he can (like agreeing a divorce or seeing your ds) to maintain some form of control over you. You’re obviously handling it well though as if you weren’t he wouldn’t be throwing his toys out the pram. The best thing you can do is maintain fixed boundaries, which will initially drive him up the wall, but which eventually should see him losing interest in further attempts to abuse you as they will be unsuccessful. Do not ever unblock him on your phone. He doesn’t need to have face time if he has the option for face to face contact. Also only reply to emails about contact. Use a stock phrase like “please let me know the date and time you’d like to have ds so I can check our availability and arrange for my mother to do hand over”. Repeat this as many times as necessary. Do not be drawn in to other conversations. If his email doesn’t require a reply do not reply specific to making arrangements for contact do not reply.
I know it’s tough emotionally on you and you feel for your son but all you can do is try to protect him from the impact of his father’s behaviour and the best way to do that is to limit the impact he has on you emotionally and to not facilitate a relationship between them that is conditional on your efforts. Dragging out his removal from your child’s life won’t benefit your child so while I’m not advocating you deny contact, I think you need to put the responsibility back on him to be seeking it and arranging it. That way if he chooses to end it it’ll be sooner rather than after years of inconsistency and feelings of rejection and abandonment for your child.

I’m glad you have written proof and keep all communication through email or text.

My ex tried to take me to court over it and I had so much evidence to prove that I hadn’t stopped contact and it was him refusing to see my child.
My ex went there and started crying saying I had stopped him for years etc and I had all the print outs ready and proved he was a complete liar.

Tell him you are saddened that he refuses to see his child as it’s not fair on your son but he cannot keep doing this as this has been the X time.
Tell him that you are not going to keep playing these games any more and you will be putting your son first.

If he gets into contact again, tell him to go through a contact centre and do set days and times on a regular basis to prove himself.

Nothing in your posts suggests you should call the police but it might just be that you'r leaving out a lot of detail. Him telling you you're bad and refusing to see your DS is not something the police will do. Threats, attacks etc on the other hand, ARE relevant.

A friend had this. He took her to court because she said he couldn't take the DC away for 2 weeks with his new girlfriend. He wanted to go to the other side of the world with a 18 month old and a 5 year old. If he'd been an active part of their life, fair enough and a fun experience for the DC... except at that point, they were LUCKY if they spent one night a fortnight with him. More often, he'd collect them on a Saturday mid morning, and drop them back at hers at 5. Usually starving as he claimed to have no money to feed them. This is despite the fact that the court order mandated EOW (Fri-Sun) and every Wednesday after school until after dinner.

The judge apparently laughed at him and said, "let's see if you can actually turn up for the times you're supposed to be with your children, and then we can talk about a two week holiday."

Instead of face timing from your phone, buy a cheap tablet for DS, kindle fire will work. Then download skype or similar and send details to ex then it's up to him to facetime on that device directly with DS. You could have a set time, perhaps not too close to bedtime and at 6 I don't think you need to be managing the conversation. Ex can chat to him whilst he plays or read him a story etc. chances are he won't bother but the option is there without you in the picture.

Do not have your son around an abusive man! Your son needs to be the priority and forcing him to be around a man who has abused you is completely unacceptable.

I just don't know what to do if he comes back and asks to see him

My exSIL walked out of dgd's life when she was four. Four years later he asked to see her and she said she didn't want to see him. I thought she would have jumped at the chance

Just tell him that if he isn't consistent then you don't need him in your son's life. Sounds like your son is better off without him.

Actually the best approach is to email them and then to ignore them as necessary, as to go to Court you need to go to mediation first.

he has another son who he doesn't see anymore. That's by choice of his son who is 10. As far as I know he wants nothing more to do with his dad. And being his former step mum, I understand why.

OP I think it is more important for you DS to have a relationship with his half-brother than his dad.

I've now met a few adults who have good relationships with their half-siblings but not their absent fathers. If they knew of their half-sibling(s) when they were children the relationship was helped by their mothers until they were secondary school age.

I know I wouldn't have to do mediation. My solicitor told me I could probably avoid it as it's been domestic abuse which I have proof of. It would just go straight to court.

I honestly don't think it would get that far though. He wouldn't want to pay the court costs to do it. As long as he has somewhere to live, he's getting fed and sex, he's not bothered about anything else. Now he's found that, she will become his priority.

I don't mean to sound bitter there because I'm really not. It works in my favour!

we didn't have to go to mediation as my ex refused to engage with it.

He wouldn't want to pay the court costs to do it.

That's a win.

Just email and ignore as appropriate.

@Reugny I will thank you. I need to trust my own judgment

You are so lucky to have that in email.

Can you prove this has happened before? That he's dropped ds and then come back expecting to pick up again with no regard to how ds is affected?

If I were you I would send an email and state you are concerned about the effects this has on ds with dropping and picking up. The not knowing. All the stuff you said in your op. Don't get personal. Don't blame ex. Just state factually how inconsistent contact that may/may not suddenly stop is harmful to your child. Keep child focused. Always always write as though it will be read in court.

Set out a proposed contact schedule. Offering minimal contact(eg once a month). But state of course you would be happy for him to have more contact and that can always be built up if he's shown consistency and it's clear the relationship will benefit ds not harm him.

Give him a couple chances. If/when he backs out again respond via email saying you had raised this as a concern for how it effects ds can he confirm he is committed going forward.

Then if he doesn't show he's committed stop contact. Grey rock the duck out of him because he will escalate at that point with his threats of court etc etc.

You don't think he will do court so remind yourself of that. Even if he does do court you have all the evidence he is emotionally abusing your child and you raise this at court (do not make this accusation to ex before court just phrase it as not beneficial to ds/ has long term effect on his emotional health). You have nothing to be scared of from court. I expect a court would order contact and build it up regardless of how shit he's been walking in and out of the kids life. Family court from my experience doesn't put kids first it has theirs mantra kids need to see their dad no matter what. You have to have serious provable physical/sexual abuse to the child for court to give a shit. Does not matter what he did to the mum court think that's got nothing to do with his role as father.

Anyway. Let him take you to court. Keep child focused. Raise your concerns and hope judge sees the truth of it. But don't worry. Judge will just order contact that builds up and if he doesn't stick to it it doesn't build up. You won't loose you kid to him or anything like that. No way when you have emails explicitly saying he doesn't want to see his kid- that's proof he's using the child to manipulate and abuse you. You might get a court order for contact you have now you can't loose