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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The thought of letting MIL hold my baby angers me

365 replies

livelovelasagne · 12/12/2023 13:30

Okay so I'm going to be completely blunt with this. My MIL is a complete know it all, and DH is a total mummy's boy. Our baby is due in early jan and his family are visiting from 8 hours away, travelling via trains, for two weeks (in a hotel of course).
I'm very much a mama bear, we have DS who is 3 and I was just totally on edge letting anyone hold him as a newborn but I managed and was always polite. Currently pregnant with our second, I just can't shake the anger of letting my MIL hold the baby. Because I know for a fact she'll be a total baby hog and do things without my permission while she has me doing everything for her. I have my reasons to dislike her, I've always stood by the no kissing the baby rule. She keeps saying things such as 'I can't wait to kiss the baby's face' as if she's trying to anger me on purpose. She also planned a trip for her, FIL and SIL (both of who are lovely and I can't wait for them to meet baby) in a busy city the day before they come. I just don't think it's safe for them to be in this packed city and travelling the day before they meet the baby, god knows what germs could be picked up. She thinks she knows everything and gives me unsolicited advice all the time and she knows it makes me feel like a bad parent. She's made comments during this pregnancy like 'your bump is tiny I don't know why you complain about being uncomfortabe'. I know I sound totally angry and bitter, but I'm just done and at my wits end with her. The thought of letting her hold my newborn when they visit just shakes me to my core! I've spoken to DH about this and he just thinks I'm being hormonal. But I already know she'll think she owns the baby and gaslight DH into thinking I'm being horrible if I don't let her do certain things such as kiss the baby/ take baby out of my sight. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way and for any ideas of how I'll be able to combat these negative feelings when she visits.

OP posts:
August1980 · 13/12/2023 17:45

My first thought reading your post was how awful you sound… oh and I am pregnant too, simply not feeling that animosity towards anyone no matter how much the advice/insensitive comments irk me. Best of luck with your new arrival. Let it go and look forward to spending time with your new baby and family. You will be a MIL too, hopefully you will hold your tongue when your DIL is on here slating you…

DemelzaandRoss · 13/12/2023 17:50

It’s the season of goodwill. Try & be nice.

Lulu123450 · 13/12/2023 17:57

No you are not being difficult to be honest. You have every right to not want someone to kiss your baby’s lips/face, that’s completely reasonable. You should be the one holding the baby the most and you have the right to take your baby back at any time without asking. I had a mother in law like this and a husband who thought I was unreasonable and I put up with a lot, now I’m older and wiser it would be different. Be pleasant, be nice, let her hold the baby but stand your ground on your rules which are totally warranted and even if they weren’t, you’re the mum. Good luck with the baby x

crowisland · 13/12/2023 18:02

Insist that all visitors mask. High flu and covid season. Blame it on the doctor

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 13/12/2023 18:07

That all sounds very dramatic and over the top.

I feel for your husband and kids.

Have you considered trying not to mind. Not saying that your MIL isn't going to be annoying but it will be so much easier and enjoyable for you.

You've got another kid so the whole germ thing is pointless tbh.

Do it for your husband if you can't do it for yourself.

Congrats on the baby. It's such a precious time when they are little. Don't sour it

Ladysmirnoff1 · 13/12/2023 18:09

I Don't blame you for the no kissing the face rule. I believe herpes cold sores come from being kissed as a child / baby and stay dormant in the body . Just tell her it's your baby and if she can't abide by your rules in your house then you can't leave her alone with your baby. If she wants a cup of tea etc just say if you're welcome to make yourself one and help yourself to food whenever your hungry and say your hubby will cook for you if want some hot food. 2 weeks is way too long. I think a week is more than enough. Stand your ground & kick hubby's ass if needed. Good luck. Xx

Astonvilla123 · 13/12/2023 18:10

My youngest of 5 was kissed continuously and repeatedly as a baby by me, his dad, his four older siblings (including a toddler with terrible levels of hygiene), our pets, relatives and anyone else who popped by -and yet has grown up absolutely fine and is happily still alive.

I have a relative who was obsessed with cleaning, sanitising things and never having anyone near her children.
Sad to say that her children have multiple allergies and health issues. I don't think this is unrelated.
I hope to be a grandma one day and very much hope to be able to hold and kiss my grandchildren. Obviously if I was unwell / had herpes or something I would not but otherwise I feel you're being unreasonable.

LovelyIssues · 13/12/2023 18:10

You and your MIL both sound extremely over bearing and difficult. Sorry OP

Sennelier1 · 13/12/2023 18:23

@livelovelasagne I don't think you are difficult in any way, it's only natural you don't pass around your newborn as if it was a plate of cookies. My daughter let me and DH hold her newborn, walking her through the house, outside pushing the pram, but she was always in the immediate vicinity. When our GC was 6 weeks old our daughter needed to be absent for like 40 minutes (my husband drove her to an appointment) and I stayed home with the baby. All went very well but my daughter had a few nervous tears when she came home - it was the first time mother and baby were separated. I gave her a big hug, told her I understood, and she told me she absolutely trusted me with her newborn but that it hurt to be apart. Not hard to understand I think?

Lindyloomillion1 · 13/12/2023 18:34

You sound hard work. And quite like your MiL. If you want your baby to have a good relationship with it's grandparents, ease up. And what is a mama bear?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 13/12/2023 19:11

Lindyloomillion1 · 13/12/2023 18:34

You sound hard work. And quite like your MiL. If you want your baby to have a good relationship with it's grandparents, ease up. And what is a mama bear?

I agree, and you also sound immature.

As for a "mama bear", I love the way women say that, as though they are superior to other mothers, who presumably don't care about their children!

restingbitchface30 · 13/12/2023 19:11

My mil is a know it all, overall nasty piece of work. Always telling me where I’m going ‘wrong’ and just giving plain stupid advice. Told me to give my 4 month old honey etc, just dumb stuff! But it was important for me to let her be the first to meet my twins. She had not long lost her husband, I don’t really have much family and I knew it was important to my partner as they were his first kids. I just knew the first year I would have to see her (and grit my teeth) more than I normally would. They are now 18 months and I’m back to seeing her a few times a year! Just play the game for a short while then back away a bit and let your partner take charge of the contact.

Mumof3confused · 13/12/2023 19:44

I sort of know where you’re coming from because I had a very similar experience with my ex MIL when my first was born. She was in special care and MIL booked a train to come and see her. We had been told to limit visits to the special care department (for obvious reasons) and I was also in the same hospital. Told my ex that she needed to wait until we were out and ready for visits. He said he couldn’t stop her from coming down. He actually took her to the special care to see baby. I am still RAGING about this, she had no business there whatsoever. When we eventually got home, his whole family descended on us and I ended up running back and forth to the kitchen for teas and coffees while they literally smothered the baby - MIL had a thing about piling blankets on babies even in sweltering summer heat. They didn’t even bring a shopping bag of bloody food. Baby ended up back in hospital with a gut infection 2 weeks after the visit, no prizes for guessing where that came from.

I realised a decade later that I had a much bigger problem than MIL. I had a ‘DH’ problem. He didn’t protect me. Massive red flag. Divorced now and thank God that cow is out of my life.

You might be irrational but if your MIL is anything like mine, there’s years of passive-aggressive snidely comments and undermining you as a mother and wife leading to you now feeling like this. You need to speak to your husband and he needs to have complete clarity on where his loyalties are. He needs to cocoon his family and stand up for you, even if that means upsetting his mum. He’s a big boy now.

Iaintsadwhenugotobed · 13/12/2023 19:46

I would say YANBU. because no one who doesn’t have a mother in law like that will actually get how the comments hit inside you! It’s done innocently by purpose to light a fire they think you can do nothing about. Honestly I would just say concentrate on yourself while she is there. Have those needed naps and rest. You could also play her at her game and keep the obvious hand sanitiser everywhere and keep water wipes and wipe baby when u feel the need to. I guess it’s her grandchild too and it would be nice if she could spend that time with them. But if you are that annoyed then just take ur own precautions. It’s only 2 weeks hopefully they will fly by. Good luck :) ps. hubby needs to have a word with her about the baby hogging slash kissing on face. Not ur problem because not ur mum. Healthy boundaries should be made by him.

Ihatebathmats · 13/12/2023 19:49

I can not believe you are being told you are BU because you have a "no kissing rule" do people not know the germs that can be passed on!! Why do they feel the need to kiss your baby anyway!!

Tell her to piss off and leave you in your little baby bubble. Hugs OP & stand your ground

Ihatebathmats · 13/12/2023 19:51

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 13/12/2023 19:11

I agree, and you also sound immature.

As for a "mama bear", I love the way women say that, as though they are superior to other mothers, who presumably don't care about their children!

Show quote history

It's quite clear she never meant that others don't care about their children! Mama Bear is a very over protective mother, unlike others like myself who have a more relaxed approach.

Immature, honestly 🙄

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 13/12/2023 19:52

Deep breaths... Just keep reminding yourself that you are your baby's mother, nobody can replace you as their mother. Doesn't matter how many snidy comments are made or how long people hold your baby, you are still mum!

Elfandwellbeing · 13/12/2023 19:56

You are being bratty and UR. You do not like her, it’s clear but she’s your dh mum, have some respect. Unless she’s abusing you, in which case, direct your dh to deal with the issue.

Dynababy · 13/12/2023 19:58

You sound high maintenance. Visiting or being in a city is normal not something to fear, it’s normal to kiss babies… have you had anxiety post covid? Maybe you just don’t like her and that’s allowed but you don’t sound that rational.

Morgysmum · 13/12/2023 20:44

A lady who has just had her 2nd baby, she didn't know how her 1st DD would get on with 2nd DD, when they talked about the baby, DD 1 wasn't happy and would say no.
So her mum, set the rule after giving birth, it would just be, her, her husband and the kids for the first day, to give her daughter time to adjust to the baby, before any other family got to see the baby.
Then maybe set time limits, such as they can only come around for a couple of hours a day, you will adjusting to 2 children, so don't need to worry about pandering to her needs. (just don't tell her that bit)
But I think you need some help about, people bringing germs in, some germs are good and help to build the immune system. When your eldest goes to nursery or pre-school they will pick up germs and fetch them back home.

whyisntanelephantblue · 13/12/2023 20:55

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

It actually is very normal to have a "no kissing the baby" rule. Have you ever heard the age old adage "My Baby. My Rules"

If OP's MIL doesn't like it. She can stick it up her backside

OP. My love. This is your baby, your MIL has her own baby, she can kiss and cuddle your DH. YANBU

IDontWannaCareButIDo · 13/12/2023 21:00

Sorry I am late to the thread - you aren't being unreasonable and newborns are genuinely a great unknown when it comes to what they can and cannot withstand with germs etc, so you are right to build your boundaries as you see fit.

I have a recurring struggle with my DH in regards to how he can sometimes be very passive/ignorant to how his MIL behaves compared to how I feel about her.
You aren't wrong to feel the way you do, we are entitled to our feelings. Best advice I can give is to give yourself grace, and not lose sight of who you are and what you want your family to be.
Your MIL had her turn, now it's yours and first and foremost this is your baby.
You're doing awesome, I'm just sorry you have these feelings to combat because I know they can suck a lot of energy you wish they wouldn't from you.

matchingmoll · 13/12/2023 21:18

Nothing you have said sounds unreasonable.

Livelovebehappy · 13/12/2023 21:22

People saying that the OPs rules should be followed - what about the dad’s wishes here? He probably wants his mum to feel included and not have to face hostility, because I sense whatever the MIL does when she comes, that it’s always going to be wrong or inappropriate in OPs eyes. Op can’t disregard what her husband also wants here.

yeahwhatev · 13/12/2023 21:28

Your feelings are real and you need to work out where they are coming from. Your MIL is possibly annoying but you are also clearly projecting a whole lot of negative feelings and anxieties on to her which she does not deserve. I didn’t have the easiest relationship with my MIL so am sensitive to this stuff but I’m afraid you lost me at ‘very much a mama bear’. You are part of the problem here and once you realise that and figure out what your negative feelings and anxiety about (instead of dumping them all on your MIL as an easy target) you’ll probably feel less awful.