Anyone feel resentful and overwhelmed in December?

[Decemberresentment]

This is going to be long and ranty, so apologies in advance.

Does anyone else feel that the overwhelming majority of chores, Christmas prep, life admin, falls to them? I always feel like this during December, it's as if the rest of the years resentment builds up.

DH and I both work full time, 2 kids, 1 in primary, 1 in secondary. DH does most of the cooking, washing etc, he picks the kids up, will get food shopping while he is out. All good. I do everything else, and quite honestly, this has begun to really, really annoy me.

So, holidays, days out, presents for birthdays, Christmas for our kids and family, plus all parties etc that the kids get invited to. Respond to invites. Read the ridiculous amount of emails we get from each school each day / week and then action them, take money in this day, Christmas jumper day another day, you get my drift. Book the breakfast club. Make sure the kids out of school activities are booked, paid for, worked out when they all break for holidays etc. Look through the school websites for term dates, add them to the calendar. Book their opticians, dentist. Sort through wardrobes and get rid of clothes and shoes that no longer fit. Arrange tradesmen if needed around the house. DH will do DIY, though most of the time I need to ask him to do that too. He changed some light bulbs last week, left the old ones on the sideboard - why???????? Who does he think will move them???

It all comes to a head in December when I buy everything single present, he just buys mine, and even then not a huge amount of effort goes into it. For context, he mentioned in the year that there was a show he wants to see, it is booked, paid for and babysitter organised. Because I like to make the effort and listen to what he says.

Today, I have been in a mood. DH got up first with the kids, I came down later, dog wasn't fed, nor let out in the garden for a wee. Just pushed me over the edge to be honest.

I am sure if we sat and spoke about it, there would be more he does than I can think of but right now it doesn't feel like it.

I just feel like if I don't do it, we wouldn't go anywhere, do anything. It's all up to me.

I'm just done to be honest. I just want to a little more thought to go into me.

There is more, but that would he very outing and I just want an anonymous rant really.

Christmas martyrs are fools. They have only themselves to blame. If they don’t want to take on such a ridiculous workload, they should either learn to delegate, learn to say ‘no’ or learn to prioritise and just decide to do a lot less unnecessary stuff which nobody cares about and chill out.

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Posted too soon.

If you read the full thread, you will see this is all year, just ramps up the resentment at Christmas.

Actually thats exactly how I've been feeling. Thanks op.

Sorry to hear you are feeling the same, ssd

No, but I feel very lucky that my husband helps with presents and cooking. I really feel for all of you who get left to do everything, not just at Christmas but all year round. I can imagine it would not be easy to just stop doing everything, especially if you have children.

It’s all the bloody school admin that sends me over the edge in December! Carols, nativities, pantos, jumper days, bloody ancient egypt day next week. Why the week before Christmas is it Ancient Egypt day? I’d be fine if there weren’t 4 emails a day from my kids schools everyday.

It sounds like your husband does actually do a lot and you’ve kind of minimised the jobs he does to ‘all cooking and washing’ then given a big long list of yours which could equally be minimised to ‘school stuff’. Not really fair. Given that he does actually help more than most peoples husbands seem to - have you tried just asking for more help at this time of year? Make a list of people needing gifts and split it? I agree very much with the ‘Christmas martyr’ comment.

YANBU, I assume you’ve spoken to him about taking on more and he just doesn’t?

If he won’t take on more of the mental load, could you ask him to take on more of the housework like cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, or kids drop offs and pick ups?

At least if he does most of the housework you may feel less resentful about the rest.

FFS, it’s not ‘helping’ when you live there, he is an equal partner in this!

It’s not a race to the bottom just because your H does even less.

I had this exact fight with OH this morning, I'm working right up to Christmas eve, so will not be there to do my normal prep on Christmas eve for the dinner the following day, and I do not want to be in the kitchen all day Christmas day on my own. He is off so I asked him to prep the veg, parboil the potatoes, take the gammon out of the slow cooker etc, you get the idea. He says' he's not a cook' I'm not a bloody plumber mate, I still fixed the toilet when it broke.
Nearly called off the whole Christmas dinner and his parents could starve.

Agree with this

DH does laundry and cooking. These are big tasks

Some of chores on OPs list eg book breakfast club, get rid of old clothes are so inconsequential it's nonsense to compare them

I agree it isn’t “helping out” but your DH does the cooking, the cleaning, shopping, and school runs?

It sounds like you maybe aren’t suited to the more “organisational” jobs you are left with, the life admin that we all know takes up a lot of brain space and energy.

Would it help to sit down and say you would like a review of who does what? Not because you’re saying the balance is unfair, but you would like to shake up the roles a bit?

I also agree with PP that better boundaries around saying no to some of the Christmas shizzle might help. 💐

Why would it take all day? It a Sunday roast, the easiest meal of the week?

Exactly. Mine also does the laundry and I consider myself very lucky - when he went away for a week recently and I had to pick it up I was losing my mind, 2 kids under 5 and it’s a huge job. Give me a few random bits of school admin over that any day of the week.

I'm obviously being unreasonable, judging by the responses. Of course, I know cooking and washing is a lot, but I am still finding the mental load very overwhelming.

I will go, have a bath, go to bed, and hopefully get out of bed the right side tomorrow morning

Im in a similar position OP, I have a dh that practically does a lot.. bins, recycling, all cooking and shopping and half the school runs. But all the organising is on me. We have three kids in school/nursery and the organising/mental load is excessive this time I year. I think I feel resentful sometimes as if he doesn't do one of his jobs i just pick it up, but if I don't do something he wouldnt even notice and it just doesn't get done. I went away with work for 2 days in November and when I got back no one had done any homework, they had no clean uniform and he'd completely missed my dds gymnastics class. Agree with post above that it isn't about him doing his share, but balancing each share in terms of the mental impact it has.

I don't think pps comparing him to other people's husbands who do even less is relevant or helpful. Your feelings are completely valid.

I do everything in December AND all the cooking and washing all year round. We both work. It’s enraging .

This made me well up. I thought i was being totally unreasonable. I think it boils down to the fact that if I didn't arrange things, we wouldn't do anything as a family, or a couple, you know? He would never suggest we go out for dinner. Just him thinking to book a table for us and arrange a babysitter, would be hugely appreciated.

YABU. You say your dh does all the cooking, shopping, washing which must be a large part of the chores ( it certainly is for us). I appreciate Dec is busy but it is only once a year and how often do dentist appointments for the kids need to be made ? Maybe once/ twice a year ?

Yes but I do all that plus I'm in Australia so I have all the admin for my 3 all starting new schools in Jan..
3 kids and 3 different schools.
New uniforms, books, orientations and a graduation blah blah I'm exhausted!

To be honest OP, you sort of lost me when one of the first items on your long list of jobs was answering invites.

That's not really a major job is it?

And by your own admission, your DH does all the washing and cooking and works FT. So he's not exactly sitting around with his thumb up his arse is he? Tbh I'd rather do your list of jobs if it meant someone else cooked and washed.

I honestly don't know what you want people to say.

You are right, it's not a major job but its the assumption that I will do all.

Not a big thing but I didn't say he does all of the washing etc, but he does do most of it. I probably cook dinner twice a week.

I think I just need to take a long hard look at myself and find out why I am finding this so hard.

Yanbu. It is tiresome. I dont mind as its for the kids. I'm a single parent work FT and I'd love someone to contribute to my Christmas. I accept its all about presents for the kids and pulling crackers though.