Anyone feel resentful and overwhelmed in December?

[Decemberresentment]

This is going to be long and ranty, so apologies in advance.

Does anyone else feel that the overwhelming majority of chores, Christmas prep, life admin, falls to them? I always feel like this during December, it's as if the rest of the years resentment builds up.

DH and I both work full time, 2 kids, 1 in primary, 1 in secondary. DH does most of the cooking, washing etc, he picks the kids up, will get food shopping while he is out. All good. I do everything else, and quite honestly, this has begun to really, really annoy me.

So, holidays, days out, presents for birthdays, Christmas for our kids and family, plus all parties etc that the kids get invited to. Respond to invites. Read the ridiculous amount of emails we get from each school each day / week and then action them, take money in this day, Christmas jumper day another day, you get my drift. Book the breakfast club. Make sure the kids out of school activities are booked, paid for, worked out when they all break for holidays etc. Look through the school websites for term dates, add them to the calendar. Book their opticians, dentist. Sort through wardrobes and get rid of clothes and shoes that no longer fit. Arrange tradesmen if needed around the house. DH will do DIY, though most of the time I need to ask him to do that too. He changed some light bulbs last week, left the old ones on the sideboard - why???????? Who does he think will move them???

It all comes to a head in December when I buy everything single present, he just buys mine, and even then not a huge amount of effort goes into it. For context, he mentioned in the year that there was a show he wants to see, it is booked, paid for and babysitter organised. Because I like to make the effort and listen to what he says.

Today, I have been in a mood. DH got up first with the kids, I came down later, dog wasn't fed, nor let out in the garden for a wee. Just pushed me over the edge to be honest.

I am sure if we sat and spoke about it, there would be more he does than I can think of but right now it doesn't feel like it.

I just feel like if I don't do it, we wouldn't go anywhere, do anything. It's all up to me.

I'm just done to be honest. I just want to a little more thought to go into me.

There is more, but that would he very outing and I just want an anonymous rant really.

Agree with this.

OP writes that she "works out" when the kids break up for holidays as if there's more to it than just "making a note".

"Yes but I do all that plus I'm in Australia so I have .."

I really thought you were going to say "to do it upside down"

😆

So what does your dh say when you discuss this with him?

I'm not a martyr, I am a lone parent with a full time job who leaves stuff to the last minute and then gets overwhelmed. I do want Xmas to be lovely for me and my family, I want to see people, enjoy nice days together and have nice food, play games etc, host and travel around. I want my home to be reasonably tidy and clean for when people come over.
It's all on me though and there's only so much you can do in advance.

I get it. My DH does a lot practically but I always say that he only does jobs that can be done while listening to a podcast. Almost all of my jobs could not be done like this because they require thinking and planning and organising. It’s exhausting in a different way and you never get to switch off. DH cooks but doesn’t do the food shop so even that planning is down to me, he is just on automatic pilot when he sees that Tuesdays meal plan is spaghetti bolognese and he cracks on. I appreciate him doing the cooking but he’s not had to think about any of the prep so for him it’s quite relaxing and he’ll do it with a glass of wine while pottering about and listening to the radio. Meanwhile I’ve got a to do list as long as my arm.

Totally agree.

I don't understand why people say they are exhausted.
Is it really that hard to keep on top of emails from school?
When people talk about appts, unless your child is ill why are there so many?
I really don't get it.

Women have always borne the brunt of the Christmas load, and I think it's a good idea to be very firm in allocating tasks to other family members. I insisted on my husband buying presents for his parents and sister. I do remember it being a huge wake-up call for the family when I was seriously ill in run up to and over Christmas - they finally realised just how much work went into the whole thing!

Snap!

He thinks he's unappreciated in the house because he sticks a load of washing in . It is unappreciated, I'd rather he didn't, he ruins mine and DC clothes because he just shoved everything in together and puts it on a hot wash. And then crams it in the dryer so it comes out creased to hell and back.

He can't be relied upon for anything. It's just not how his brain works. I broke down yesterday because he was complaining about doing something I'd asked him not to do (which creates more work for me).

He doesn't get that if he doesn't do a loaf of washing, nothing happens, it's fine, it will get done a couple of hours later.

If I drop one of the plates I'm spinning, there's always a consequence. I can't forget Christmas party day/the Nativity/the christingle/the school carol concert/flute lesson/swimming/football club/gymnastics etc. Because then out kid would miss out, or I'd have to run round and collect the flute/Christmas jumper/snack plate for the party etc. I'm exhausted and drained.

I understand what you mean OP, it's the mental load of always having to be "on". It's overwhelming being the one who has to organize family life to keep everything going. Sometimes you just want to down tools and not do ANYTHING, and let someone else pick it up but no one will. It's like when you have too many webpages open on your internet browser and you need to close them all down to see clearly!

I was just having a rant to my DH yesterday (who is amazing and does his fair share at home) that I wanted a chill weekend this weekend, but despite not having any official plans I have ended up not stopping all weekend with the random housework, organising, Christmas shopping etc that I don't feel chilled at all. I feel like a chill day for parents doesn't really exist, there is always something to do!

There was no way I was going to do everything ever.

He had a SAHM who did everything whilst his Father had a very big job as a finance director in the city so they had a housekeeper and she spent her time being a lady that lunched, doing some good works for charity and letter writing.

The first year we were living together he expected me to buy and write all the Christmas cards, this is late 1990’s so about 75 cards sent unlike these days, I laughed in his face and said we buy and write our own relatives and friends cards. He asked did I want to sign my name in his cards, no I did not it’s an in joke now about do you want to sign in your own handwriting.

I remember meeting a women friend for a weekend away. She had made two home cooked meals and put them in the fridge for her family. DH asked what do I do for food? and I remember replying see that big white thing in the corner it’s called a fridge you take stuff out and cook it and if it’s empty you go to a shop and and buy food to put in it.

I just refused to do it all and as long as no one dies as a consequence it’s fine. I find many women have much higher standards overall than men and also worry about being judged. I have never given a shit if people judge me.

The classic question asked by men are my clean socks/pants whatever? What do you do? Again tried by him in the early days, no idea they are yours was my reply.

@MiddleParking Agree cooking and laundry are the two jobs that are constant. I cooked and he did laundry because that was where our strengths were. We both worked FT.

Yes, but more about money then time. It's the gift giving and expectations. I'd happily just give presents to the kids in the family and be done, I don't really want any presents but we always end up gifting lots of gifts to adult family and friends and it's just so so much money. I'd rather just have the time with people and enjoy some good food and a drink, but being asked what I want (nothing, really) and trying to divine what everyone else wants is really stressful and makes me feel a bit resentful. Gift giving among adult at Xmas feels like a social nicety that's past it's due date now when so many people can buy what they want through the year anyway, it's just a big tat exchange.

I think cooking and washing are daily activities which are quite time consuming tbh. But the stuff on your list is things you have to remember to do. Best way to look at it is how many hours a week do you both devote to your chores? if it’s a mental load thing just stop doing something at tell him he’s doing that bit from now.

I do think coming up to xmas is the worst because theres a lot to organise and you do need to split tasks so no-one is miserable. Is this specifically about the presents? We only buy for DD and DH chooses one gift and I choose the other. We basically choose our own gifts for DD (DH wraps as I am apparently incompetent at that) to give us because neither of us care for gifts but it’s important she knows how to give as well as receive. I hate choosing presents for people, have no fucking clue tbh get quite stressed out by class birthdays.

Also I’ve never bought gifts for Dh side of the family ever. It wouldn’t have occurred to either of us that I would.

It's not just making a note though. It's then working out what days we can take to be off with them, asking DH to let me know what days he can do, booking them into clubs for the rest. He doesn't even consider that school breaks need prep. It just gets done. I would love one day for him to say holidays are on the calendar, what days can you cover, he will sort the rest.

It’s not that answering invites or paying for breakfast club is a big chore. It’s the mental load involved in juggling all of these tasks that’s the problem.

I’m equally fed up. Apparently I’m in the wrong because DH had a Christmas jumper day at work and I hadn’t got his Christmas jumper out of storage and washed it. He’s a grown man, he can wash his own jumper and make sure it’s clean and ready to wear!

I have partially solved the present dilemma though. I buy for DC because it matters to me if they don’t get any gifts. But I don’t buy for DH’s family. He has to shop for them and if he fails to do so then I just shrug and point at him.

I think yanbu and I'm trying very hard to offload some of the Xmas stuff at the moment, but even offloading it requires organisation I can't be arsed with.

People talk about Christmas martyrs as if middle aged women one day think 'right I'm going to do everything to make myself feel good and resentful' but this isn't how it works. The frog is cooked slowly.

Plus everybody everywhere bangs on about the Magic of Christmas as if the Magic isn't some slightly sweaty middle aged woman straining to hold everything so the kids don't think it's made up and the oldies can reminisce about their childhood xmases (also created with the love and duty of middle aged women). You don't want to change things up because they'll die soon and then you'll be sorry their last or last few xmases weren't 'the same'.

I sympathise. It will be different next year... Won't it.

I get it OP. I only work part time but still feel completely overloaded with all the domestic duties. I have brought everyone’s Christmas presents, made all the Christmas arrangements, went to post office to post parcels and overseas cards (his family). I do all the food shopping, laundry, housework. I am responsible for any maintenance/decoration of the house, I have to deal with any plumbing emergencies, car issues ..

Dh supposedly shares the cooking (but it’s twice a week usually). And he takes ds to football practice and matches. Dh is NHS staff so works long hours and can’t easily take time off.
I actually had a cry this morning because I’m so miserable at the moment.

I just do not understand how this conversation (the one about the Christmas jumper) ever managed to arise. What led up to an adult man thinking he could even mildly criticise his wife for that?

Agreed. There is room for improvement with my husband but he simply wouldn’t with this.

I have a friend who has to pack for her husband whenever they go anywhere. She complains about it plenty. I find it absolutely infuriating and have not one iota of sympathy for her.

I feel the same op. DH does the shopping and some cooking but that’s about it.

He’s never been the one to look at the school calendar and work out who will be at the kid’s assemblies, sports days etc, or to book out of school clubs and activities.

Birthdays and Christmas wouldn’t happen if I didn’t initiate it all. I now get him to sort things for his side do the family but I’m often embarked at the lack of thought and effort that goes into it.

what doesn’t help is the commercialism at this time of year. Having Christmas things in the shops since August makes me feel that I should be more organised than I am. But why? I really don’t need to be thinking about Christmas during the summer holidays. This week I have had emails about winter holidays for 2024/5 now on sale ‘book now for the best prices’. Can’t we enjoy winter 2023/4 first? Those kind of things frazzle me, I feel guilty that I’m wasting money by not booking now which is ridiculous. I’m unsubscribing from as many emails etc as I can to try to avoid some of the madness!

I used to OP, so can relate, however I do think a lot of people also bring more stress on themselves by doing all the 'extras' that really aren't necessary. I am not sure how much you are doing that, but if there is anything you can forego/suggest someone else organises (partner) if they really want to do it, then please do that. Now my child is older Christmas is quieter - he's already had his main gift(s) and knows that, and there will only be a few token gifts from other folk to open on the day (I've established several times that he's ok with that, beyond reasonable doubt). Dinner will be relaxed - we don't host lots of folk or go to big events, as we never enjoy that sort of thing. We are past the nativity, school party etc etc stage too, so that takes some pressure off!

Ultimately you can and should only do so much, and you have to say no to some things if you want any sense of relaxation/time for you/family!

I understand what you mean OP. You are doing all the thinking while your DH gets to relax his brain and zone out while not at work. I used to feel the same when my children were younger. It's easy for people to say that he is doing the same amount but it isn't the same type of work. Not everyone want or enjoys taking on all the mental load and yet for some reason people seem to think if you have a X chromosome it is somehow easier for you and that it is by default "your job" The fact that some people are suggesting you allocate tasks to your DH says it all!!

I would not do anything for his side of the family or for his friends and cut down on doing other things as much as possible.

this. Just don't do it.

You’re not wrong OP - this image nails it for me