Anyone feel resentful and overwhelmed in December?

[Decemberresentment]

This is going to be long and ranty, so apologies in advance.

Does anyone else feel that the overwhelming majority of chores, Christmas prep, life admin, falls to them? I always feel like this during December, it's as if the rest of the years resentment builds up.

DH and I both work full time, 2 kids, 1 in primary, 1 in secondary. DH does most of the cooking, washing etc, he picks the kids up, will get food shopping while he is out. All good. I do everything else, and quite honestly, this has begun to really, really annoy me.

So, holidays, days out, presents for birthdays, Christmas for our kids and family, plus all parties etc that the kids get invited to. Respond to invites. Read the ridiculous amount of emails we get from each school each day / week and then action them, take money in this day, Christmas jumper day another day, you get my drift. Book the breakfast club. Make sure the kids out of school activities are booked, paid for, worked out when they all break for holidays etc. Look through the school websites for term dates, add them to the calendar. Book their opticians, dentist. Sort through wardrobes and get rid of clothes and shoes that no longer fit. Arrange tradesmen if needed around the house. DH will do DIY, though most of the time I need to ask him to do that too. He changed some light bulbs last week, left the old ones on the sideboard - why???????? Who does he think will move them???

It all comes to a head in December when I buy everything single present, he just buys mine, and even then not a huge amount of effort goes into it. For context, he mentioned in the year that there was a show he wants to see, it is booked, paid for and babysitter organised. Because I like to make the effort and listen to what he says.

Today, I have been in a mood. DH got up first with the kids, I came down later, dog wasn't fed, nor let out in the garden for a wee. Just pushed me over the edge to be honest.

I am sure if we sat and spoke about it, there would be more he does than I can think of but right now it doesn't feel like it.

I just feel like if I don't do it, we wouldn't go anywhere, do anything. It's all up to me.

I'm just done to be honest. I just want to a little more thought to go into me.

There is more, but that would he very outing and I just want an anonymous rant really.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s so tedious. Especially when you have to come up with all of the gift ideas from everyone, to everyone. Not fun!

@Decemberresentment I get it! All of what you say mirrors how I feel. Drowning in life admin. I'm just needing DD to announce at 8pm some night that they need to go to school the next day dressed as a green frog or something similar to tip me over the edge!!

I think it's more that Christmas is a flashpoint.

I do almost everything at Christmas and at a time when work goes mental also. But I enjoy it and kind of thrive off the busy-ness, in the knowledge that I'll get down time in the holidays.

DH does almost nothing, Christmas just isn't a big deal to him. But he more than pulls his weight across the year.

I deal with almost all the present buying and organising the Christmas days out and holiday entertainment. I only work 1 day a week though so I don't mind it. It does keep me busy but I enjoy it and I like planning nice activities for the dc. It would be a lot on top of a ft job and I'm not planning to work any more days until the youngest is in secondary. DH is involved with a lot of the school admin, always reads the newsletters and gets things ready to take into school as he does the morning drop offs.

Yes. Probably because I am alone though. No one to share the burden. Also plenty of birthdays thrown in this time of year. Adults buying for adults, extended family, friends, it is very tiresome and expensive! Also moreso for me because most people's immediate family I'm buying for are larger than mine.

Yanbu but I would take some time to re-prioritise, swap tasks with your DH if the issue is the mental load being more the more straightforward physical tasks. Offload any tasks that are not necessary. Try some new ways of managing them. How is your relationship otherwise, you say you are resentful so try and reframe how you see things maybe. Some things may need to go undone, as you say otherwise all the pressure is on you. Don't let it be that way.

This all sounds like generic advice but I say this as someone who walked away from their marriage for similar reasons (and other issues) and I regret it everyday.

I feel Christmas is one long to do list, and I have reduced it down over the years till virtually zilch but there’s been falling out and tears - and it creeps back it, needs to be constantly held back - I’m my own worst enemy - I hate gifts!!!

The thing I resent about Christmas is the sheer volume of social obligation and the relentlessness of it all. Loads of work parties which are more or less a three line whip (with all the expectation of buying secret santa and having to find party clothes and all that jazz too). School related stuff which I'm guilted into. DD's social stuff. Things DP has planned and put into the calendar months ago which clash with other stuff but which he wants me to go to. I can go days on end without having half an hour's downtime. I end up absolutely ragged by the time Christmas rolls around and just want to stay in bed, which of course I can't. Then we're back into January and the whole thing cranks back up again.

I'm not as a rule the sort of person who moans about hating people or wanting to be a hermit and curl up with a hot chocolate. I'm not an introvert, I like going out and seeing people but by God it all gets a bit much.

And I know I should say no and sometimes do but you can't say no to everything...

I think it could be around his thoughtlessness and it's creating resentment

You get him and everyone else a thoughtful gift and he doesn't do that for anyone, including you. You feel unappreciated and quite possibly unloved.

I feel you OP. Christmas is relentless, I hate it tbh, I feel like I'm pissed off and agitated through the whole of December. The pressure and expectation is just too much. Relatively small things start tipping me over the edge and I just can't enjoy Christmas these last few years.

Yep, I do almost all of it too.
Only 1 child but they have a December birthday - that hasn't quite been yet!- so I often feel very stressed at this time of year.
No advice but solidarity.

I just really agree and feel the same and I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Its hard to feel like you are caring for everyone in a practical way and not getting that back. The only thing thats helped me is prioritising things I do enjoy and treating myself occasionally. I really want to ditch a load of christmas faff but it seems to be impossible.

Not really what you are complaining about but I wish schools would do more to minimise the demands on parents at this time of year (I'm a teacher and a parent). Christmas jumpers are bad for the environment and just another thing to do and pay for. We were given two days notice for this from our nursery so I couldn't even get one second hand. Ancient Egypt day of it requires bringing anything is silly.

I have a DH who is a bit like this (great practically but only organises stuff if it's his and his alone) and I've basically permanently delegated some things to him - he's not the sort to then not do it. So he's in charge of haircuts, dentist, presents for his side of the family etc (he's always done that). Would it work to sit down and make a list and divide it up a bit more?

We do share the washing though.... If you have a cleaner, him doing the washing and cooking is probably quite a big share of the household chores.

Also, I get a decent Christmas present. If you want him to prioritise this, tell him. Send links to what you want and if he gives you something else explain why you're unhappy! If you want a surprise send 3 options. I think a lot of men/people are just crap present buyers!

YANBU it’s the ball juggling that gets me exhausted. Have just negated a number of things off my December list in order to maintain my sanity!!lol
I live in a multi generational household & I’m lucky people will offer help & do things if asked (& yes I say help because that is the way it is phrased & viewed) but why is it always me who has to think about it & do the asking!!? DH is lovely & very obliging when asked to do jobs, but think to do them himself probably not🤣
And to those saying we choose to keep taking the mental load, you’re correct to a level, but if we stop the impact on the family members unable to control their circumstances is unfair so we keep going. Good luck OP hope you had a nice bath xx

Laundry/Cleaning should not be minimised. That is a massive job. My DH does most of the life admin and I do the two things above (obviously not JUST that, we both also work FT but overall, those are my 2 big jobs and the finance stuff and mostly all other admin is his. We share the cooking and shopping). I would be gutted if he thought he was genuinely doing a lot more than me and would want it out in the open rather than breeding resentment.

At the moment it's a fair share and I think he even knows he has quite a sweet deal never having to think about the laundry, which for a family of 5 (2 primary age children) is a daily, thankless chore. Unlike cooking which although a grind, at least brings a lot of pleasure when you are sharing a delicious meal together!

I get you, OP 🍷

it’s the fact that having to think about/organise/be on top of everything all falls to you.

My husband had the actual audacity to tell me the other day that he finds the run up to Christmas “exhausting”. I have done 95% of the Christmas shopping and the 5% he has done has been stuff I have told him to buy (he’s not even finished his 5% yet).

also. Why does every Friday in December have to be Christmas Fucking Jumper day at school? Why is one not enough? I seriously resent shite like that.

my 5 year old asked me today “why doesn’t the elf visit us 😞”. I told her it was the parents. Fuck it. Elf parents are not team players.

I'm with you OP. My husband does nothing as he works long hours. (As do I obviously but not as much as him) I've sort of accepted that's the way it is otherwise I'd be even more bitter than I am. I hate the fact that Christmas just quadruples the amount of work that I have to do. I buy every present. I have lists all over the place. I have to work out who would like what and provide family members with ideas too. (Most of them give me ideas back mind you) . I have to think about what surprise presents I can get for our children and he's no idea they are from him when they open them.
I love being with my family at Christmas and love the day itself but I'm bitter and twisted about the rest of it.

My husband is practically fine but if I need him to do
something outwith his usual “jobs” I have to really spell it out to him. He’ll do it. But it wouldn’t ever occur to him to do it without me asking him to. He doesnt understand why this annoys me.

Wish I got 25% of the help you do...

I think cooking and laundry are the two jobs that make things really overwhelming when you have children, tbh. The admin stuff with two healthy kids (I presume yours are as you don’t mention otherwise) isn’t really a comparable workload. I do think that having too much of one type of thing to do can drive you bananas though - you might find it less stressful for you to do more cooking and laundry but to agree that in return he’ll take more of the mental stuff off you.

Not letting the dog out isn’t on. I take the view that any kind of lie in or down time where your husband (generic ‘your’, obvs) looks after the kids ceases to count if there are any kind of negative consequences for it, eg someone doesn’t get appropriately fed or taken care of during that time or there’s a mess to be cleared up as a result of it.

Yes 😞

I have a DH with ADHD so its difficult to rely on him to remember things and plan.

I had a full on meltdown today I just felt so pressured 😞 and taken for granted.

Hmm, all those 'little' jobs add up though

Fair enough her DH does a lot... But sounds like the lions share is op's

Take the light bulbs.. why should she move them??

It's like the ubiquitous Royal 'we'

'Oh, we should do that' .. Really meaning she should do it

I always found that reframing it helped a bit, it's not about whose list is longer or some weird tit for tat comparison of whose mental load is worse. Tasks don't have equal weight for each person and they also don't always weigh the same. But a little bit of kindness makes it balance a tiny bit better.

So today for example my day involved getting the kids out the door for rehearsal by 11:30, 2 buses, shopping, then rehearsing and interacting with kids and adults from 1:30 until 5pm. We have done this every weekend since October, but this week was bloody hard and today was almost crushing under its mental "weight". I'm tired, this week has been busy and I just don't have the mental energy to cope well right now. Last week was actually more complicated because one of them was coming from camp but it didnt feel so difficult to handle.

When my husband takes them to the same activity, he doesn't stress if they are warm enough or nag them about the outfit they have chosen (because he doesnt know the hall rapidly alternates between too hot and too cold according to what they are practising), he doesn't care if they have practised at all during the week or if they have their water bottles, he doesn't have the two of them chattering at him for the entirety of both bus journeys. He drops them off and comes home. He goes back and collects them. He doesn't read the noticeboard or the follow up emails (even if he did I would still read them too so he isn't really doing anything wrong). He can quite often manage the whole thing without having to have a single interaction with another human. To him it isn't difficult, if he suddenly had to stay and be a responsible adult for ratios it would become difficult for him too. He would never manage the costume list or know what to do when a random child bursts into tears. He likes our children, but most kids are like alien lifeforms to him and it wouldn't even occur to him to try to get to know them or ask how their week has been.

His day wasn't "easy" either but his struggles mostly involved food shopping and cooking which he found the "easier" option today.

Apologies for the punctuation and really long post my phone is being difficult and it's 3am.

Maybe your DH isn't that bothered about a social life or going out as a couple ... you need to stop doing the things you resent ... you didn't have to organise tickets, babysitter etc for his present .... if it feels overwhelming then just stop.
I appreciate that the school admin things are time consuming but so many women seem to get into a frenzy of organising too many events over Christmas and then get exhausted and resentful ... just slow down and say 'no thanks' to most invitations.

And obviously too late now but so many people who complain about stressful lives always seem to have a dog as well ... caring for pets is very time consuming & I often think people don't factor that in before getting a dog.