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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider termination due to agoraphobia and history of anorexia?

76 replies

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 15:15

Hey everyone,

I’m 22 with no children. I found out that I’m pregnant on Monday, with a clear blue digital saying 2-3 weeks. My last period was 9th November, so the Flo app is dating me at 4 weeks and 4 days. This was completely unexpected, I only tested as my left boob was excruciatingly painful that day and I was actually concerned about breast cancer but wanted to rule out pregnant first. It’s my fault I am pregnant as I stupidly had sex on the last day of my period, thinking I would be okay, I know now that I would never do that again unless trying to have a baby.

I live with my partner but our relationship hasn’t been the best at times, we’ve been together for only 8 months but met at work beforehand.

I’m not working currently as I have quite severe agoraphobia, I go out only with my partner maybe one or twice a month. I left my job in late July due to having panic attacks and needing to go home early so I currently have no income, though my partner works full time bringing home £2100 a month. I have been looking for work from home jobs but I have panic attacks when applying or trying to attend interviews, even over the phone.

I have had periods of time where I’ve been housebound for a number of years and I don’t feel far from housebound now as I do rarely go out. I have also struggled with body image and was deep in anorexia last year. I am now at a healthy weight but mentally I do still struggle. I am also autistic, but I’m not sure that it makes a difference as I know many autistic parents. I am not great with change or loud noises though.

Another note, is that I’m currently not on speaking terms with my family as I was SA by a family member earlier this year and it’s caused a lot of fallouts. I have no support from them and haven’t told anyone from my family.

My partner knows I’m pregnant and has said that he’s upset that I want to ‘kill our baby’ and said that if I have a termination, he would never have kids with me in the future. When I first found out and told him, he was very happy so I went along with it and acted happy too (I know I shouldn’t have). He told him mum and they’ve been both talking to me about buying baby stuff and took me to Asda to look (I almost had a panic attack!). She is very excited to be a grandma for the first time.

I’m not 100% sure either way as I have always liked the idea of being a mum but I am absolutely aware of my current situation and that it wouldn’t be the best. I do worry that a termination may affect my mental health, I’ve never been through it before. Also, I know it sounds silly but I have 2 cats and they seem to have filled the motherhood instinct for me and keep me company while stuck at home.

I know I still have a while to decide, I just wanted to get some opinions or maybe see if anyone has had a similar situation and what did you do?

OP posts:

AlltheFs · 10/12/2023 15:24

It doesn’t sound that you are in the right place to raise a baby and a termination would
be the right thing to do.

I can’t see how you can provide a suitable home and your mental health will likely worsen with the stress of a newborn. Plus you are very young.

So in your position I wouldn’t go ahead. You can tell everyone it was a miscarriage if needed, no-one needs to know.

Original poster

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 15:27

@AlltheFs

Thank you for the reply. I really am leaning more this way. My partner is crying a lot over the idea and thinks I will be able to get over my 10 year ongoing mental health conditions just by having a baby. I need to think more realistically and try to explain to him but he is just so upset

OP posts:

youcandanceifyouwanna · 10/12/2023 15:31

Your partner shouldn't have told his mum this early, and the emotional blackmail he is using on you is appalling- major red flag. Whether you decide a termination or not please consider if this is someone you want to be with.

Robinbuildsbears · 10/12/2023 15:32

You have the right to do what you want regarding abortion, but it doesn't sound like your relationship would survive it, so make sure you are prepared that. It sounds like you're going to need to get some to get advice about universal credit, your housing situation, etc.

Sunflower8848 · 10/12/2023 15:33

You have to want a baby 100%. They are a lot of work, and if you are struggling with your mental health and not even sure you want a baby then bringing a poor kid into that environment doesn’t sound great. The kid would be able to sense it was unwanted and that would probably affect its mental health. Intergenerational trauma is a thing.

Have you had counselling? Can you join some online support groups? It sounds like you have a lot of trauma and personal stuff you need to process before you can even think about having a child.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/12/2023 15:36

I found having my DD incredibly hard ony mental health and I was lucky to be financially secure, older and have a huge amount of stability and support. (Husband, family and friends as well as paid help). Given what I know now, i wouldn't have wanted a baby in your position.

I think if you are going for an abortion the sooner the better in terms of your own healthwell being.

That said it's a personal choice. It might be worth some counselling

Planesmistakenforstars · 10/12/2023 15:40

OP, it sounds like a very difficult situation to bring up a baby in. I also think you need to consider that there's a massive likelihood that you would be a single parent. I think it's helpful to write the whole situation out like this to process your thoughts, and I hope you get good advice, but you don't need to justify any decision you make about this, you don't need to prove you've agonised over it, and you don't need to take anyone else's opinion into account.

covenoflittlewitches · 10/12/2023 15:40

At this stage a termination is a tablet and heavy period.

I think you are actually being very clear headed.

KatBurglar · 10/12/2023 15:41

It is never unreasonable to have a termination if having a child is not right for you just now.

That’s not saying you will never be ready, just that it’s not what’s best for you at this point.

Having a child does a number on your mental health even when you’re stable and in a strong relationship. It’s difficult stuff. It has its rewards, absolutely, but the costs can be high.

Give yourself permission to choose what you want, not what other think you should do.

All the very best whatever you decide to do.

HamSandwichKiller · 10/12/2023 15:44

Given your fragile mental health and the fact these health problems are long term and recurring I think having a baby is too much to ask of yourself. It also wouldn't be fair on a kid to end up trapped at home with a depressed parent. Unless you really believe your parter is going to step up massively there's no way you should proceed.

widowtwankywashroom · 10/12/2023 15:46

It doesn't sound like a healthy environment to bring a child into. Sorry.

doublec · 10/12/2023 15:49

Missing the point of the thread but breast pain is rarely a sign of breast cancer.

With regards to the pregnancy, if you feel you're not ready to have a baby, there's nothing wrong with having a termination. You're still so young, and maybe you're best putting yourself first and working through your issues while you have the time.

I also think your boyfriend is emotionally blackmailing you which is a huge red flag. You've only been together for 8 months too so it's not exactly a long term partnership. Maybe take this time to also think about if he's really the one for you too. It sounds like he's putting his feelings over your own.

OhpoorMe · 10/12/2023 15:51

OP I fully support your decision. It's yours to make.

I do want to tell you about my experience with agoraphobia though. I went from not being able to leave the house at all, to living a normal life in 6 months. All thanks to medication. I'm not going to lie it was hard at first but it gave me my life back. There's nothing to say you can't terminate, focus on yourself, and go on to have a happy healthy life with children in the future.

Anisette · 10/12/2023 15:53

What treatment are you having for your mental problems?

Original poster

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 15:56

None at the moment. I used to live alone and never went to a GP, then I moved in with my partner and I’m not registered to a GP and I’m struggling to find one that will let me register online and do phone appointments. The furthest I go with my
partner is just to the shop around the corner once or twice a month so I don’t feel confident going to a GP as I am so scared of my panic attacks, they can lead to fainting too. When I lived alone I did go out a bit more though as I felt less pressure to, but maybe once a week at most still. @Anisette

OP posts:

BoobyDazzler · 10/12/2023 15:56

You can have a termination for whatever reason you like, it’s your body.

Hibernatalie · 10/12/2023 15:57

It's so early, as PP said it is such a straightforward procedure at this stage. My mental health was great when I got pregnant deliberately and I still struggled in the beginning. YANBU at all.

Abitofalark · 10/12/2023 16:01

I think you should go to see your GP in the first instance, with your partner if possible. You both need someone to discuss it with. And you need help with your general condition of health as well as to discuss your pregnancy which now makes it more urgent to get help and advice, especially as you don't have your parents and family circle to turn to. Your doctor can be a wise and experienced counsel as well as referring you to other services for your various health and pregnancy needs. Don't be two young potential parents alone and in distress without any outside professional comfort or guidance.

crumblingschools · 10/12/2023 16:02

Were neither of you using contraception?

Original poster

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:03

@OhpoorMe

Is it okay if I ask what kind of medication you have tried? I did try propranolol once as I was able to order it online for panic attacks without prescription. It made my heart rate in the low 40s which gave me major health anxiety as I wasn’t eating at the time too. I referred myself to speak to a psychiatrist on the phone but they said I must treat my eating disorder first before agoraphobia, I can’t remember why. I’m feeling pretty hopeless with it truthfully, it’s been going on for 10 years now

OP posts:

Janinejones · 10/12/2023 16:04

It doesn't seem that a baby would have a very good start in the life that you describe as most probable.
A termination now would not lessen your chances of a future pregnancy I think. Whereas a later one might

istolethetalisker · 10/12/2023 16:05

22 is incredibly young to make an 18yr+ commitment, even without all your mental health issues. Plus your relationship sounds like it could be controlling. (If this is a one-off reaction and your BF desperately wants to be a Dad, I might forgive him for such a horrible, blackmailing comment. Might. Is he controlling in other ways? Is he older than you?)

I agree with PP that this doesn't sound like the right environment to bring a child into.

Original poster

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:05

@crumblingschools I ran out of my birth control pills a while ago and wasn’t able to get to the pharmacy yet to pick them up as my partner has been working night shifts for quite a while and sleeping in the daytime. I know I shouldn’t have had sex without them. I can’t use condoms as I’m allergic

OP posts:

OhpoorMe · 10/12/2023 16:06

@skeetroots I take Sertraline. It was hard at first, it made my panic worse for a few weeks then slowly better. My plan was to take it to get stable enough for therapy but to be honest I'm so happy on the Sertraline I've not bothered with therapy!

I'm not suprised you say you're afraid of panicking. Agoraphobia is a fear of panic attacks, not a fear of outside. But you end up avoiding your triggers so much you end up trapped inside. What Sertraline did for me was stop my body reacting to the triggers, so I no longer had to brace for reaction or avoid them.

Original poster

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:07

@istolethetalisker

He has been physically violent on two occasions but is awaiting counselling for that. I just really rely on him for a lot

OP posts:

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