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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider termination due to agoraphobia and history of anorexia?

76 replies

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 15:15

Hey everyone,

I’m 22 with no children. I found out that I’m pregnant on Monday, with a clear blue digital saying 2-3 weeks. My last period was 9th November, so the Flo app is dating me at 4 weeks and 4 days. This was completely unexpected, I only tested as my left boob was excruciatingly painful that day and I was actually concerned about breast cancer but wanted to rule out pregnant first. It’s my fault I am pregnant as I stupidly had sex on the last day of my period, thinking I would be okay, I know now that I would never do that again unless trying to have a baby.

I live with my partner but our relationship hasn’t been the best at times, we’ve been together for only 8 months but met at work beforehand.

I’m not working currently as I have quite severe agoraphobia, I go out only with my partner maybe one or twice a month. I left my job in late July due to having panic attacks and needing to go home early so I currently have no income, though my partner works full time bringing home £2100 a month. I have been looking for work from home jobs but I have panic attacks when applying or trying to attend interviews, even over the phone.

I have had periods of time where I’ve been housebound for a number of years and I don’t feel far from housebound now as I do rarely go out. I have also struggled with body image and was deep in anorexia last year. I am now at a healthy weight but mentally I do still struggle. I am also autistic, but I’m not sure that it makes a difference as I know many autistic parents. I am not great with change or loud noises though.

Another note, is that I’m currently not on speaking terms with my family as I was SA by a family member earlier this year and it’s caused a lot of fallouts. I have no support from them and haven’t told anyone from my family.

My partner knows I’m pregnant and has said that he’s upset that I want to ‘kill our baby’ and said that if I have a termination, he would never have kids with me in the future. When I first found out and told him, he was very happy so I went along with it and acted happy too (I know I shouldn’t have). He told him mum and they’ve been both talking to me about buying baby stuff and took me to Asda to look (I almost had a panic attack!). She is very excited to be a grandma for the first time.

I’m not 100% sure either way as I have always liked the idea of being a mum but I am absolutely aware of my current situation and that it wouldn’t be the best. I do worry that a termination may affect my mental health, I’ve never been through it before. Also, I know it sounds silly but I have 2 cats and they seem to have filled the motherhood instinct for me and keep me company while stuck at home.

I know I still have a while to decide, I just wanted to get some opinions or maybe see if anyone has had a similar situation and what did you do?

OP posts:
Sauvblanctime · 10/12/2023 16:10

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:07

@istolethetalisker

He has been physically violent on two occasions but is awaiting counselling for that. I just really rely on him for a lot

Edited

Your partner has been physically violent and is blackmailing you now.

speak to women’s aid, they can help you leave safely, call the police, he is an abuser.

you can take a pill to terminate, even disregarding your mh issues, do you want a baby with someone who hits you?

agent765 · 10/12/2023 16:15

If you want to stay with a man who's emotionally blackmailing you along with his mother I would be booking a termination ASAP.

As PPs have mentioned, it's easier to do it earlier and you're less likely to cave in to the pressure and keep a baby you (nor he as he sounds immature running to mummy as he has) are not ready for.

If push came to shove and you think you'll have the baby just to appease them I would arrange the termination quietly and blame a miscarriage.

I do not suggest this lightly - your conscience will always prick you for this. However, a friend went through nearly identical circumstances a decade ago and now is relieved she did.

It was a rock and hard place situation for her. In her heart she knew it wouldn't work and she was right. Having the baby would have caused more stress with her MIL problem and her divorce was hard enough without having a child to fight them both over.

Do you have family or friends who can help you? I'm not sure if they have family planning clinics anymore but you could try looking up the nearest GUM clinic as they could point you to the nearest.

Failing that, there are private services like BPAS you can contact.

Do NOT get yourself bullied by anyone to do something as big as continue a pregnancy you're unsure about.

Good luck.

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 10/12/2023 16:19

I think it would not be in anyone's best interest to go ahead with the pregnancy. It would be unfair on any child. You are so young and it's very possible that as you get older your MH issues and you financial and relationship situation will improve. It would be better to wait and see how you feel about becoming a mother in a good few years.
Having a baby is an amazing thing but it's difficult. You need to be in the best place possible.

One of the most important things you can do for any potential child is choose its father and choose when you have it.

I'm not saying it's the right thing to do but you could have an abortion and not tell your boyfriend. At four weeks it just a pill.

Are you on any medication that you could use as an 'excuse' to have an abortion. (Not that you need any excuse) It's not at all unusual for people to have abortions and plenty that do don't have any regrets at all.

Lots of people with MH issues go on to be wonderful mothers but i think it would be a mistake for you.

SunsetGirl · 10/12/2023 16:21

You can to find a local sexual health clinic if you don't have a GP.

MNHQ
RaeMumsnet · 10/12/2023 16:25

Hello skeetroots, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]] or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly. We hope that some of this will be helpful to you and wish you the very best.

Thanks for the support, everyone.

MNHQ

RantyAnty · 10/12/2023 16:31

I agree with the termination at this time . You are still very young and have plenty of time for babies.

If you seek treatment now, you'll likely be ready in a few years if you still want one.
.
Register for the gp and have someone go with you. Treatment really can turn things around.

RadRad · 10/12/2023 16:32

Listen to your gut, not your partner, it won't be him going through the pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc. It's a bit of an emotional blackmail on his part, not a nice thing to do at all. You are very young still, plenty of fish in the sea if he "wouldn't have kids with you in the future", what a thing to say to you knowing how you feel, honestly!

FatFatMary · 10/12/2023 16:38

Probably the biggest thing you need to consider is how you would manage to take a child to school and back with your agoraphobia. I believe you can be cured with medication, but not from the GP. You need to see a psychiatrist. I don’t think whether to have a termination is something you should take other’s advice on.

ClemFandangooo · 10/12/2023 16:42

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:07

@istolethetalisker

He has been physically violent on two occasions but is awaiting counselling for that. I just really rely on him for a lot

Edited

Please don't have a baby with him. You've only been together 8 months and he's showing you exactly who he is and it'll only get worse. Don't bring a baby into that.

I take Propranlol and Sertraline for my panic attacks and they have made the world of difference, id definitely try and get sorted with the GP and get some help for your mental health problems, it sounds really hard and Im sorry you're having such a rubbish time.

Please don't stay with him, I know you said you rely on him but you will be able to manage alone especially if you get some support in place.

Is he a lot older than you?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 10/12/2023 16:42

You absolutely need to get out of this relationship and this pregnancy. You don't want it, you aren't ready for it and a baby would really damage your life at this stage. Women need to learn to put themselves before men and potential babies that don't yet exist.

caringcarer · 10/12/2023 16:42

Robinbuildsbears · 10/12/2023 15:32

You have the right to do what you want regarding abortion, but it doesn't sound like your relationship would survive it, so make sure you are prepared that. It sounds like you're going to need to get some to get advice about universal credit, your housing situation, etc.

This. If you don't want a baby then abortion is probably your best option but it sounds like your partner (or his Mum) would not forgive you. It will probably cause your relationship to break down so you'd need to support yourself.

Original poster
skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:50

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog The last sentence you wrote has actually changed my perspective a lot. I didn’t think of it as putting myself first until now. Thank you

@ClemFandangooo He is a year younger than me

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 10/12/2023 16:52

@skeetroots You are not wrong to consider a termination at this time. You don’t seem to be in the best place to bring a child into the mix.

And also please seek help for your agoraphobia. My son was diagnosed at 21 years old. It took a bit of effort but he graduated from university and now has a good job and life.

He started out on Sertraline and was able to resume his life almost immediately. It ultimately wasn’t the best medication for him, but it gave him his life back. He also sees a therapist (CBT).

Take care of yourself first and maybe down the road there can be a baby.

Original poster
skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:54

@Lizzieregina Thank you for providing me some hope for my mental health in the future, it means a lot to me

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 16:54

OP, really sorry to hear about your struggles. Please whatever happens, look after yourself?

IMO you’d be perfectly reasonable to ask for a termination. You sound like you’d be a lovely considerate mother but you are really not in the right place to care for a whole other person right now, particularly if pregnancy kicks off your anorexia again. As a side note, your partner is an absolute dick to have spoken to you like that and I wouldn’t be looking to have children with him anyway.

Lizzieregina · 10/12/2023 16:56

@skeetroots you are so young! You can absolutely have a positive future. You just need to try and get some good medical
help.

When this happened to my son, I was in despair that he’d ever have a “proper” life, but modern medicine has served him well!

sprigatito · 10/12/2023 16:59

You can have a termination for any reason, and having concerns about mental health issues and a less-than-stellar relationship sound like excellent reasons to me (not that it matters what I think!)

You're not a vessel for carrying babies to make other people happy. You don't owe your partner or his mother a baby. Can you go away on your own for a few days to think about it without their influence?

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 16:59

If you don't want to have the baby, then don't. Honestly, you don't need to explain or "get permission." But for what it's worth, if you were my daughter, I would be advising you to get a termination as quickly as possible. Please take good care of yourself.

Xmasblues · 10/12/2023 17:05

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:07

@istolethetalisker

He has been physically violent on two occasions but is awaiting counselling for that. I just really rely on him for a lot

Edited

You should never bring a baby into the world when their parent is violent.

You’re choosing to stay in this relationship.
The baby would have no choice, which is very unfair.

Xmasblues · 10/12/2023 17:07

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 10/12/2023 16:42

You absolutely need to get out of this relationship and this pregnancy. You don't want it, you aren't ready for it and a baby would really damage your life at this stage. Women need to learn to put themselves before men and potential babies that don't yet exist.

Very well said.

RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 10/12/2023 17:12

I think you need to put yourself wholly and utterly first in this situation.

You've only been with this fella a short time and a lot of your difficulties seem to coincide with getting together with him... You've also said in the 8 months you've been together it's been rocky/up and down. Is that right? Or just coincidence...?

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2023 17:14

skeetroots · 10/12/2023 16:50

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog The last sentence you wrote has actually changed my perspective a lot. I didn’t think of it as putting myself first until now. Thank you

@ClemFandangooo He is a year younger than me

How did you actually meet him? Online?

There are red flags waving all over this.

Please access some care for yourself, get away from him and if you feel a termination is right then have one.

But please, don't wait, get some help. Ring Women's Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

newtlover · 10/12/2023 17:16

BoobyDazzler · 10/12/2023 15:56

You can have a termination for whatever reason you like, it’s your body.

absolutely this OP
you hadn't planned to conceive and don't want a baby, end of
a termination will be simple and straightforward and if you want you can pass it off as a miscarriage
however, it sounds like your BF is manipulative and controlling, so when you have recovered I suggest having a serious think about the relationship

best of luck

Cloclo93 · 10/12/2023 17:23

This reply has been deleted

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Humbugg · 10/12/2023 17:24

It doesn’t sound like you are in the right place to have a baby right now.

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