To consider termination due to agoraphobia and history of anorexia?

[skeetroots]

Hey everyone,

I’m 22 with no children. I found out that I’m pregnant on Monday, with a clear blue digital saying 2-3 weeks. My last period was 9th November, so the Flo app is dating me at 4 weeks and 4 days. This was completely unexpected, I only tested as my left boob was excruciatingly painful that day and I was actually concerned about breast cancer but wanted to rule out pregnant first. It’s my fault I am pregnant as I stupidly had sex on the last day of my period, thinking I would be okay, I know now that I would never do that again unless trying to have a baby.

I live with my partner but our relationship hasn’t been the best at times, we’ve been together for only 8 months but met at work beforehand.

I’m not working currently as I have quite severe agoraphobia, I go out only with my partner maybe one or twice a month. I left my job in late July due to having panic attacks and needing to go home early so I currently have no income, though my partner works full time bringing home £2100 a month. I have been looking for work from home jobs but I have panic attacks when applying or trying to attend interviews, even over the phone.

I have had periods of time where I’ve been housebound for a number of years and I don’t feel far from housebound now as I do rarely go out. I have also struggled with body image and was deep in anorexia last year. I am now at a healthy weight but mentally I do still struggle. I am also autistic, but I’m not sure that it makes a difference as I know many autistic parents. I am not great with change or loud noises though.

Another note, is that I’m currently not on speaking terms with my family as I was SA by a family member earlier this year and it’s caused a lot of fallouts. I have no support from them and haven’t told anyone from my family.

My partner knows I’m pregnant and has said that he’s upset that I want to ‘kill our baby’ and said that if I have a termination, he would never have kids with me in the future. When I first found out and told him, he was very happy so I went along with it and acted happy too (I know I shouldn’t have). He told him mum and they’ve been both talking to me about buying baby stuff and took me to Asda to look (I almost had a panic attack!). She is very excited to be a grandma for the first time.

I’m not 100% sure either way as I have always liked the idea of being a mum but I am absolutely aware of my current situation and that it wouldn’t be the best. I do worry that a termination may affect my mental health, I’ve never been through it before. Also, I know it sounds silly but I have 2 cats and they seem to have filled the motherhood instinct for me and keep me company while stuck at home.

I know I still have a while to decide, I just wanted to get some opinions or maybe see if anyone has had a similar situation and what did you do?

@Cloclo93 I know. I often feel very behind people who are my age and fear I’m ruining my life. It’s really hard to live like this, I wish I could just get up tomorrow and have a different life completely with no mental health issues. I hate being stuck inside

@Nanny0gg I met him at work, he was my manager

@skeetroots I think all of us who struggle like this feel the same way. I know in situations like yours it feels difficult to feel hopeful but the really good news is that you’re in control of your ED sufficiently to be maintaining a healthy weight, at least, and that means you can focus on the agoraphobia and stuff until bit by bit, you’ve got a normal adult life. The former element is SO important though - they both are - and if you’re feeling like you’d be a parent who had difficulties beyond normal new mother anxiety, you’re definitely not being unreasonable.

Take your pro life propaganda and shove it where the sun don't shine.

@Cloclo93

I’m concerned that I’d be unable to go to antenatal appointments, baby check ups after birth, take the baby outside, when the child is older I’m concerned I’d be unable to take the child to school. I struggle a lot with looking after myself and have done ever since I can remember. I would feel horrible knowing that my mental health caused my child to have an upbringing anything less than that of their peers and it would be because of me

I’m not 100% sure either way

You shouldn’t have a termination unless you’re sure. Don’t say anything about how you’re feeling to your partner. Give non-committal answers, nod along, etc, and give yourself time to think. You need to separate things out in your head and ask yourself firstly whether you want a baby. Don’t bring your relationship into it or what other people want - just think about what you want.

There is support for agoraphobia out there. A friend has massively improved (she had OCD too) so don’t have a pessimistic view of the future. You can get over these things. They don’t have to dictate your life forever.

Would you be able to raise the baby on your own? That’s what you really need to think about, it doesn’t sound like you could at the moment.
If you had the baby and separated would you be happy to leave your child in the care of someone go has already been violent towards you?

Could you cope with the Intrusion of having social services involved due to your current mental health issues and your partners violence?

Put yourself first. Seek help for you MH and a termination.

When I read the title my thoughts were very different till I read the thread .

i suffered agoraphobia and during my pregnancy found the strength to overcome it but i was in a very different place had lots of therapy and very much wanted baby .

you do need therapy , you do need to register with a gp to access these things . Your partner is abusive my ex was too claimed he was helping me but in reality loved me been trapped at home . Dv does increase during pregnancy .

You will also be tied to this man who is abusive , and either through contact visits or staying with him the child would be exposed to that .

Do you have anyone else involved who will help you ? Get you to the chemist ?

if you can it’s much easier and safer to fake a miscarriage at this stage.

i just want to add it is completely possible to recover from agoraphobia

Is there an off switch?

Yep @Cloclo93 I really don’t think you’re helping at this point.

I have asd, adhd, ocd, agoraphobia and some physical issues . I had my first baby at age 19 after recovery from an ED .

my situation was different in that everyone who knew was telling me to end the pregnancy that it would make things worse - in my case it gave me a reason to try harder and have more therapy, a reason to eat properly and keep up with that and although I do still struggle with agoraphobia I now manage to do more because having a baby who needed fresh air each day was my motivation to get out.

ultimately you need to do what’s best for you but I wanted to let you know I’ve been through very similar and it wasn’t the disaster everyone told me it would be x

Do you have any other support?
Perhaps a best friend, sister or mum?

You need to make a plan and start changing your life.

Step 1 - have a termination.
Do not tell your DP or any of his family.
Afterwards you can tell him the truth or say you miscarried.

Step 2 - move out.
This relationship, especially living together will be making your MH worse.
See if you can’t move back home with your mum for a couple of years until you’ve sorted out your MH issues.

Step 3 - get help for your MH issues.
You can’t do this properly until you’ve done step 1 and 2.

You don’t want to get to 30/40 and look back and realise you’ve wasted half of your life being at the mercy of your MH issues.
You may never be cured but you can definitely make it better to be able to live a normal life.

Personally, I'd get out of the relationship and then have an abortion. If he's been physically violent in the past, there's a good chance he will again.

My mental health was so low when I was pregnant, and I was on antidepressants the whole time (I take citalopram). I've had depression since I was a child, and bad anxiety since I was 18. Pregnancy is very hard, and looking after a newborn is even harder. Please only go through with this if it's something you're ready and prepared for!

I'd talk to women's aid and see if there's anything they can do for you.

@Refreshingitagain well done for coping with recovery and a teenage pregnancy at the same time, that’s some achievement.

However the OP is in a different situation, her partner appears to think she is just a vessel for his babies and she’s looking for reassurance that it’s OK to consider termination, which probably means she’s had some thoughts of doing that.

I may be speaking with some slight bias because I am sick to my back teeth of being asked why my PTSD, EDs, depression, anxiety and OCD have not magically vanished overnight because I possess a boyfriend. I’m sure motherhood is different but sometimes mental illness overrides surrounding issues (relationships are hugely important in my life).

OP, other posters have correctly identified that you actually have two problems here.

The first problem is that you’re pregnant and you don’t think you want to be a mother right now.

The second problem is that your relationship with your boyfriend sounds extremely unhealthy.

Regarding the first problem - you sound like you’re looking for permission to have a termination. You don’t need anyone’s permission except your own. But it’s usually considered a good reason to terminate if the pregnancy is very early, and the woman is very young, and has unresolved mental health issues, mental health problems which she isn’t yet able to manage independently and with confidence. You seem to fit that category.

Just to be clear - you could be a mother if you want to, and if you want to have children you can. But you don’t sound like you want to be a mother right now. You sound like you want to be a mother in the future, but not now.

The second problem - by your own admission, you feel very dependent on your boyfriend, who has been violent, and doesn’t hesitate to try to emotionally manipulate you. Please recognise that this is not a healthy relationship. I know you feel like you can’t cope without him, but the state you’re currently living in is not going to be doing your mental health any favours.

Please, please don’t have a baby to please your boyfriend. The baby would be better off with you as a single mother. Your boyfriend would not make a good father at this point. He’s violent and hasn’t yet dealt with that, and he’s even younger than you. You shouldn’t expose a helpless baby to that.

I agree, I think she needs to do what she wants to do and ignore the opinion of others (I think that’s what i meant to get across but I’m not that good with writing, and she has the opposite situation to me as everyone told me to terminate )

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau

I hope that things can be more manageable for you in time. I know that is all we can hope for sometimes, just to be able to manage things better. I agree that being in a relationship isn’t a magic fix and also brings it’s own challenges at times too - in a sense you are emotionally responsible for another person to some extent too, which can be incredibly taxing. I’m wishing you all the best

OP you have only been two together eight months and he has hit you twice? Unfortunately it isn't counselling he needs. He is just revealing his true self although usually abusive men take longer to turn violent. Also you can order the contraceptive pill online if it is easier than venturing out. I would be very careful OP. I would probably pretend you have bad a miscarriage because I would worry about his reaction.

There's a good possibility that you will lose residency and SS will want his Mum heavily involved. You've got to then consider if your MH will ever recover. As said, put yourself first. He's physically abusive, you need out of the relationship. You don't know what you will be subjecting this baby to, having him for a father and you with MH issues which are going to get worse if you stay with him. Is what you(and him) can offer really good enough?

Sorry @Refreshingitagain I didn’t mean to sound snappy!

OP I'm really worried that having the baby would leave you entirely trapped with and dependent on your partner.

If you have no job, no income, no family support and can't leave the house, then you and your child will be completely dependent on him.

It's terrible that he has been physically violent to you. I wouldn't count on that being fixed with some counselling. Also it's common for men to become more abusive when a woman is pregnant or has young children, as she is more vulnerable.

In your shoes I'd only consider keeping the baby if I had a support structure in place in case I needed to leave the partner. I think it would be entirely reasonable to have a termination.

I get my contraception delivered and order online! It does cost, but I call it the anxiety tax. I hate calling the drs up, it makes me so anxious.

See this as a wake-up call. You need to take action to address your mental health issues and sort out your life. If you keep the baby, then you must make changes to your life. A child does not deserve to be part of a shit relationship and neither do you. You cannot protect a baby when you can't even protect yourself. You don't really have time to sit back and see what happens. You need to do what is best for the child.