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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to come to house? Please help what to do with ex

98 replies

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:26

Ex partner has seen dd twice and she is 1, no real back story, just that we separated in pregnancy and he had no interest in her initially. The first two times were very hectic (he’s not local anymore). He got the train and we are in the countryside so had to go and collect him. We went out and obviously had to take all her things and basically project manage for him as he said he didn’t know how to change a nappy but would at some point etc. That’s fine, I want dd to be safer and happy so I am ok with being around to do these things until he’s ready.

Anyway. I have now told him that it is disruptive to her routine to be out all day and driven long distances. She won’t sleep well in the car so the last two times we met she had basically no nap and the evenings were hell with her. I have explained to him that I would prefer to come back to the house where he can play with her and then she can have her food and sleep when needed. He’s said he’s not ready for this and will wait around the corner until she’s ready to come out again? There’s nowhere for him to go other than a tiny shop. AIBU here to expect this of him? I can’t believe he can be so difficult? He was like this in the relationship but I didn’t expect him to be like it where dd is concerned. I’ve asked him why and he said he wants to build up to it?! AIBU?

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 10/12/2023 08:27

Just accept he can't be a df.. Pointless trying to force him to. He sounds about 12....claim cms and raise dd alone....

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 08:27

He sounds weird and pathetic, how old is he?

Keilagh · 10/12/2023 08:29

What? How bizarre. How old is he?

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 08:29

Its hugely disruptive to her, to you and what is he going to do wander around in the cold?

She isn’t getting anything out of his visits and she isn’t building a relationship with him.

Tell him no. You aren’t handing over a one year old for up to wander the streets with.

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:31

I am so stressed and upset

I don’t want to stop them seeing each other. I don’t think that is right. But for fucks sake just get on with HER routine?

He’s 38.

OP posts:
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 08:31

personally I think you should make sure you don’t manage to much for him. He needs to start making effort to make contact happen or it’s pointless.

If he wants to wait outside while she naps I’d let him. Even if there is nowhere to go that’s his choice, he’s an adult.

However wouldn’t it be easier for him to just do shorter visits do he sees her for a few hours between naps? Takes her to the park alone or for a walk without you? It would mean only short periods but at least it would be short periods where he has the responsibility without you.

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:32

@Lifeasiknowitisout he doesn’t want me to hand her over, he wants me there too. So I have to pack all her stuff and can’t give her home cooked food etc all because he won’t play with her in the house

OP posts:
Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:33

@Dowhadiddydiddydum he won’t go without me. He lives too far away for short visits unfortunately.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 10/12/2023 08:35

He doesn't want to be a dad, but is too cowardly to say this and will make your and DC life so awkward you will tell him to fuck off and then he can blame you as being the bad guy.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 08:35

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:32

@Lifeasiknowitisout he doesn’t want me to hand her over, he wants me there too. So I have to pack all her stuff and can’t give her home cooked food etc all because he won’t play with her in the house

Ok.

So tell him you aren’t meeting him for all 3 of you to wander the street with her.

Not sure how that changes that much to be honest. You there or not, it’s the same. Disruptive, not relationship building and stressful for you and dd.

So say no.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 08:36

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:33

@Dowhadiddydiddydum he won’t go without me. He lives too far away for short visits unfortunately.

Sorry I misunderstood.
If he won’t even take her out to the park for half hour without you then that is pathetic.

In your shoes I’d lay out exactly what you are and aren’t prepared to do and if he can’t manage contact within that then I’d let there be no contact. You can’t force people to take responsibility, he will either step up or he won’t.

can’t he come down once a month and get a hotel/b and b near by. Then over the weekend see her for a few hours each day, go off to the park, for a walk, etc.

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:37

I’m so fucking stressed. Our life is so simple without him in it. I don’t want her not to know her dad but I am furious he expects this!!!! She just wants to be home. It’s busy it’s Xmas and it’s cold. And he expects me to be there the entire time so doesn’t actually want to do any parenting. I can’t win can I

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 10/12/2023 08:39

Your dd always having an absent df is better than flakey one. He will never be reliable op. Lots of dc grown up fully functioning without a df... It really won't be her loss if she has jolly good dm!!

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:41

@Santaiswashinghissleigh i know. He’s not been flaky with actually meeting though, it just has to be in the way he wants. I don’t get his refusal to be at the house? I’ve asked and he just says he wants to build up to it?

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 08:41

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:37

I’m so fucking stressed. Our life is so simple without him in it. I don’t want her not to know her dad but I am furious he expects this!!!! She just wants to be home. It’s busy it’s Xmas and it’s cold. And he expects me to be there the entire time so doesn’t actually want to do any parenting. I can’t win can I

The stress is another reason you need to not do this.

He is negatively impacting you in many ways and it’s not ok.

I know you want her to know her Dad. But he is a dick. A dick that has no worries about doing what’s best for him at the expense of the child.

He is the one that’s causing his lack of relationship with his child. Not you. You having health boundaries that are in your child’s best interest isn’t causing this. It’s not your fault.

CatOnAMushroom · 10/12/2023 08:42

If he's only seem DD twice in a year he doesn't seem very interested sadly in being a parent.
If you are intent on supporting his contact perhaps meeting for an hour or so in a cafe/soft play place/library near the train station would be a better option for you all
P.s. no home cooked food for one meal shouldn't matter too much

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:43

@CatOnAMushroom he started seeing her a month ago.

i wanted her to have my home cooked food because I work all week and it’s time I can spend on her properly. I am angry he thinks it’s ok to disrupt this.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 08:44

Let him lurk about in the fucking cold then, he will either give up and come knocking on your door or he will give up entirely and catch the train home.
He can't have it the way he wants, the baby comes first and her best interests are sticking to her routine and not being pushed around the village at freezing temperatures not interacting with her father.

Soontobe60 · 10/12/2023 08:44

As far as your dc is concerned, this person is a stranger. She has seen him twice. So why are you trying to get a stranger to take her out away from you? He doesn’t want to have a relationship with her I’m afraid.

Mix56 · 10/12/2023 08:45

Why are you setting yourself on fire to keep him warm?

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:45

Soontobe60 · 10/12/2023 08:44

As far as your dc is concerned, this person is a stranger. She has seen him twice. So why are you trying to get a stranger to take her out away from you? He doesn’t want to have a relationship with her I’m afraid.

@Soontobe60 im not doing that. I am happy to go with them. I just don’t want her routine disrupted and not being home disrupts things.

OP posts:
Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:45

@Mix56 fucks knows. Just trying to do what is best. I really can’t win can I. He was like this in our relationship to be fair so I don’t know why I expected differently of him here.

OP posts:
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 08:50

Op as an aside I think it is ok if he doesn’t want to come into the home. I kind of understand that. However it is on him then to come up with an alternative way to manage contact and he shouldn’t expect you to organise everything. If he can’t then that is his problem and responsibility.

as someone else said it is better to have a father absent that an inconsistent one.

I do think the home cook food can be skipped for one day for contact. That will have no impact over all and is not a hill to die on.

ScarlettSunset · 10/12/2023 08:51

Dontbeme · 10/12/2023 08:35

He doesn't want to be a dad, but is too cowardly to say this and will make your and DC life so awkward you will tell him to fuck off and then he can blame you as being the bad guy.

I agree with this. It sounds like he doesn't really want anything to do with her but he wants to be able to complain to anyone who asks that you won't let him see her, so everyone is sympathetic towards him while you become the evil ex.

Really, I think you'd be better off just letting him drift away, and concentrate on raising her without him in her life. It's unlikely they will ever have a real relationship and I don't agree that it's better to have a deadbeat dad than no dad. He's just not up to it and it'll just cause both you and her more stress to try to force it.

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:52

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 08:50

Op as an aside I think it is ok if he doesn’t want to come into the home. I kind of understand that. However it is on him then to come up with an alternative way to manage contact and he shouldn’t expect you to organise everything. If he can’t then that is his problem and responsibility.

as someone else said it is better to have a father absent that an inconsistent one.

I do think the home cook food can be skipped for one day for contact. That will have no impact over all and is not a hill to die on.

@Dowhadiddydiddydum thanks for this perspective.

It’s frustrating as what he wants to do is essentially a day out… but I have to be there and I have to do all the nappies the food etc as he ‘isn’t ready yet.’ I do believe he wants to do these things but I’m exhausted after a long week of being a single parent and can’t understand why he can’t make life easy and play in her nursery room.

OP posts: