Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Refusing to come to house? Please help what to do with ex

98 replies

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:26

Ex partner has seen dd twice and she is 1, no real back story, just that we separated in pregnancy and he had no interest in her initially. The first two times were very hectic (he’s not local anymore). He got the train and we are in the countryside so had to go and collect him. We went out and obviously had to take all her things and basically project manage for him as he said he didn’t know how to change a nappy but would at some point etc. That’s fine, I want dd to be safer and happy so I am ok with being around to do these things until he’s ready.

Anyway. I have now told him that it is disruptive to her routine to be out all day and driven long distances. She won’t sleep well in the car so the last two times we met she had basically no nap and the evenings were hell with her. I have explained to him that I would prefer to come back to the house where he can play with her and then she can have her food and sleep when needed. He’s said he’s not ready for this and will wait around the corner until she’s ready to come out again? There’s nowhere for him to go other than a tiny shop. AIBU here to expect this of him? I can’t believe he can be so difficult? He was like this in the relationship but I didn’t expect him to be like it where dd is concerned. I’ve asked him why and he said he wants to build up to it?! AIBU?

OP posts:

BeeCucumber · 10/12/2023 09:18

Stop trying to manage him and his time. It’s not working. He doesn’t want to be a dad - he just wants to be a bystander whilst you do all the work. Just stop.

Original poster

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:21

Yes he pays more than he needs to pay. He is generally an ok person. But he has form for being incredibly difficult, everything is a drama etc. He keeps saying it’s a big thing getting to know her. I said it’s impossible to get to know her like this and I am exhausted and need to have a simple day. He hasn’t replied. I have to collect him as he got on the train at 7:30. I am just totally fed up.

OP posts:

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 09:22

The answer is simple. He's asking for something unreasonable which you can't do. So you give him the option of doing something reasonable and if he continues to refuse, then he's refusing to see her. You can't control that.

lkmbj · 10/12/2023 09:25

You are not his chauffeur or his social secretary.
You do not need to pick him up from the station. He is an adult and should sort his own transport. It is completely irrelevant to you how difficult or easy that is.

Just tell him she is available from 10-12 (whatever time suits you).

You should not be spending all day with him.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 10/12/2023 09:26

What do you think would happen if you refused to enable him @undfll11 what's the worst that could happen?

Summerbay23 · 10/12/2023 09:26

You need to let him sort out his own schedule. Let him get a taxi /hire a car. Stop picking him up. Stop going on days out with him. Say he is welcome to come to the house (for a set number of hours) or take her out for a morning/afternoon. How he manages this shouldn’t be your concern, he’s 38 not a helpless 17 year old young father.

DidiAskYouThough · 10/12/2023 09:31

Well everyone's replies are pretty unanimous. Just stop.
It's your choice to keep indulging in this nonsense, but don't complain if you choose to keep pandering to this idiot.

Snowdogsmitten · 10/12/2023 09:31

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:31

I am so stressed and upset

I don’t want to stop them seeing each other. I don’t think that is right. But for fucks sake just get on with HER routine?

He’s 38.

38?!?!?!?!?!!! Fucking hell. He’s utterly pathetic. What a total failure.

Not sure why you want your poor kid to see this useless dolt, I’d stop bothering. Two times in her life is hardly worth continuing, not when it’s such a pain in the arse to facilitate. Because he’s so useless…

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 09:32

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:21

You don’t need to pick him up. You can text him and change plans.

But if you are going to tell him it’s the last time you are doing so. He can see her at your house and make his own way to and from the house.

You say he is making it complicated. But you are because you are engaging in this. You are also making it more complicated.

This isn’t for her benefit. Because it’s not benefitting her.

You can make it really simple. He can see the child at your house and he can travel there and back. That’s it.

Gymmum82 · 10/12/2023 09:35

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:21

You don’t have to collect him. Say sorry I’ve things to do. You’ll have to get a taxi here. If he wants to go out. Say that doesn’t work for me I’m afraid. I have things I need to get on with at home. You can either come here or take her out on your own. He doesn’t get to dictate what happens. You have a voice. Use it

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 10/12/2023 09:36

I know it's frowned upon to not facilitate relationships with useless dads but seriously , don't bother. She's better off without this nonsense. She might grow up thinking that's all she's worth .

You don't get to build up to anything, if he can't get it together to do even the basics just get on with your life and put your energy into something that might actually benefit her.

Original poster

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:37

If I don’t collect him now it will be an issue. I’ve agreed to.

If I asked him to previously he would definitely have got a taxi. He’s not unreasonable in that sense. For some reason he just can’t actually do what’s best for her.

So fed up!!!

OP posts:

SouthEastCoast · 10/12/2023 09:40

I think you are unreasonable to expect him to play with her in your house but I also think he is unreasonable to need you to be with him every step of the way when he takes her out.
also how ridiculous is he to refuse to change a nappy…. Bloody hell.

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/12/2023 09:42

NancyJoan · 10/12/2023 09:10

Just stop. Stop picking him up. Stop making lots of arrangements. He never going to be ready. If he wants to see her, he can make his own plans.

Honestly - I'd just give up on this. This is stressing you out more than parenting 24/7 does. Why put yourself through it, you're not getting any benefit or time to yourself.

I'd not turn up at the station to collect him and see what happens.

Summerbay23 · 10/12/2023 09:43

So are you going to speak to him today about changing things?

familyissues12345 · 10/12/2023 09:44

Please don't let yourself get stressed about this man (easier said than done I know)

I did just that, jumped through hoops for him then get angry and resentful when he pissed me off. It affected my MH hugely and subsequently impacted mine and DS's relationship as I was so flipping stressed. I couldn't really see it at the time, but look back now and think why the hell did I let him get to me that badly.

Relationship with DS is fab now thankfully as I haven't had to deal with his Dad for a few years (DS now 20)

MinnieGirl · 10/12/2023 09:47

You don’t need to do anything for this man. If he wants to see his child he makes an effort. You don’t have to go out to places or do anything else he wants to. That is not in your child’s best interests.

You say you’ve agreed to pick him up today. So get to the station and say we are going home as it’s cold and I’m far too tired to be dragging DD 40 minutes away for your benefit. You are welcome to come to the house. If you don’t want to fine.

Your daughters needs trump his. He wants to be a dad or he doesn’t.

Moving forwards, no you can’t pick him up. No you won’t go out for the day as this doesn’t work for baby. In the summer when she’s a bit older maybe. But not now. It’s his issue, but he’s making it your issue.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/12/2023 09:49

Sounds like you’ve got two kids.

Nicole1111 · 10/12/2023 09:49

Stick to your boundaries and your routine. When she needs to go home she goes home. He has to entertain himself. It should give him an idea of how important it is for her to be at home as presumably he will be cold and miserable out and about, just like she would have been. When he complains tell him this isn’t about him and he needs to focus on your child’s needs (to sleep well, eat well, rest, be somewhere familiar) instead of his own.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 10/12/2023 09:51

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:41

@Santaiswashinghissleigh i know. He’s not been flaky with actually meeting though, it just has to be in the way he wants. I don’t get his refusal to be at the house? I’ve asked and he just says he wants to build up to it?

And yet, he has met her twice in the year since she was born...

rorret · 10/12/2023 09:51

Why are you enabling his contact? If he wants to see her, he has to make that happen.

Did you move or did he? (apols if I've missed that)

However, the home cooked food is not the hill to die on.

Keepinmovin · 10/12/2023 09:53

I'm going to just take a slightly different view here.
You live in a remote place, that's not his fault. Yes you can ask him to get a taxi but at least he is making an effort
I would hate my ex being in my house and so I don't think he's at fault for saying he won't come in your house.
If he's had zero involvement with the DC to date then I think it's normal he won't understand routines/nappies etc if he has no experience with babies. So maybe he just doesn't understand.
You'll have to get over this home cooked food thing, in a divorce you don't get to dictate how the other parent looks after the child (unless ofc it's neglect)

It seems like neither of you are quite ready for these meet ups and DD is too young either way. Maybe just suggest you leave it a few months until the weather is better and she's not quite as small and can cope with nap situation. It's probably stressing ypu both out

EnidSpyton · 10/12/2023 09:53

If he wants to see his daughter, he needs to do so in a space where she is safe and comfortable.

At the moment, that is at home, with you, as he is so useless that he can’t meet her basic needs if left alone with her.

So those are the conditions. He comes to your house and sees your daughter at your house. He has to arrange his own transport there and back - him living where he does is not your problem.

If he doesn’t want to do that, then he doesn’t see his daughter. End of. You need to put your foot down and stop bending over backwards to facilitate him. He is a grown man and a father. He needs to start acting like one. And if he can’t, then he has no place in her life and she will be far better off without him.

It’s lovely that you want her to know her father, but you can’t force the relationship. You also need to reflect on whether her having an unreliable and inconsistent father figure in her life is going to be of any real benefit to her going forward.

cansu · 10/12/2023 09:55

Just arrange a meet somewhere child friendly. Stay there for a couple of hours and then go home. He can go off and do whatever he wants. You have been helpful and have offered your home so he can get to know her better. If he won't then that is his loss.

LeggyLegsEleven · 10/12/2023 09:57

If you have to micro manage his visits this isn’t going to last. He doesn’t need to build up his visits with a baby, it’s a baby!

I know someone who’s ex lived a big distance away. She spent years trying to facilitate visits and he would come up with various reasons it didn’t work. He even moved closer and rarely came because he would have a list of barriers. He then had a health scare and she couldn’t get shot of him for 6 months. He got the all clear and was never seen again. He needs to want this relationship himself.

Flip

1 2 3 4