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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to come to house? Please help what to do with ex

98 replies

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:26

Ex partner has seen dd twice and she is 1, no real back story, just that we separated in pregnancy and he had no interest in her initially. The first two times were very hectic (he’s not local anymore). He got the train and we are in the countryside so had to go and collect him. We went out and obviously had to take all her things and basically project manage for him as he said he didn’t know how to change a nappy but would at some point etc. That’s fine, I want dd to be safer and happy so I am ok with being around to do these things until he’s ready.

Anyway. I have now told him that it is disruptive to her routine to be out all day and driven long distances. She won’t sleep well in the car so the last two times we met she had basically no nap and the evenings were hell with her. I have explained to him that I would prefer to come back to the house where he can play with her and then she can have her food and sleep when needed. He’s said he’s not ready for this and will wait around the corner until she’s ready to come out again? There’s nowhere for him to go other than a tiny shop. AIBU here to expect this of him? I can’t believe he can be so difficult? He was like this in the relationship but I didn’t expect him to be like it where dd is concerned. I’ve asked him why and he said he wants to build up to it?! AIBU?

OP posts:
Wildhorses2244 · 10/12/2023 08:53

I think that you need to be much less thoughtful about his comfort, time and preferences.

If he’s getting the train is there a playground or a soft play or a museum or some within walking distance of the train station? Try and find somewhere that can be your regular place so that you don’t have to have the conversation each time and can just go “see you at soft play at 10”

Arrange to meet him there. Dd has a short morning sleep in the car on the way, has a play and some lunch with her dad with you there. And then after lunch you say “I’m taking her home for her afternoon nap and some crafts this afternoon Do you want to come or go home?”

Theres no reason he can’t wait in the cold, walk to the meeting point, do a short visit, stand outside your house etc. None of those affect you and whilst they’re stupid choices he’s an adult and they’re happening because of things he’s chosen.

Aishah231 · 10/12/2023 08:53

You're trying to do the right thing OP but this isn't the right thing. Put your expectations in an email. He needs to come to yours whilst it is cold etc and he can build gradually to taking his child out on his own. If he doesn't reply or won't agree that's on him. Put it in writing so it can't be denied later.

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:53

the problem is if I say ok you can wait while I feed her and she naps… where will he even go. It’s the middle of nowhere basically.

is he reasonable to not want to be in her home? I can’t understand it at all

OP posts:
Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:55

@Wildhorses2244 thanks. There is nothing like that round her sadly. So it would be a Costa in Next or nothing. It will be MANIC in there today

OP posts:
buckingmad · 10/12/2023 08:55

It’s not rocket science changing a nappy. Who taught you to do it?

romdowa · 10/12/2023 08:57

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:53

the problem is if I say ok you can wait while I feed her and she naps… where will he even go. It’s the middle of nowhere basically.

is he reasonable to not want to be in her home? I can’t understand it at all

Where he goes is his problem. You've offered for him to he in the house during this time and he's declined. So let him figure it out. You tell him what works for you and then he can either do it or not.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 08:58

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:53

the problem is if I say ok you can wait while I feed her and she naps… where will he even go. It’s the middle of nowhere basically.

is he reasonable to not want to be in her home? I can’t understand it at all

That’s not your problem to solve.

Thats his. Stop trying to solve it.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 08:58

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:53

the problem is if I say ok you can wait while I feed her and she naps… where will he even go. It’s the middle of nowhere basically.

is he reasonable to not want to be in her home? I can’t understand it at all

Who cares where he goes. He doesn’t think it is an issue so why do you? Try to let that go.

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:01

Ok. I’ve agreed to pick him up so what do I do? When he gets in the car say I’m taking her home, where shall I drop you in the meantime? I think it will cause an argument as he will want to drive 45 mins to a place we can go. I can already see it unfolding

OP posts:
Wildhorses2244 · 10/12/2023 09:02

Yes, I can totally understand why you don’t want to take her to Costa in next a weekend in December!

What if he got off the train a stop earlier or later? Would that make a difference to what was around? Or is there a playground on a housing estate near the train station?

I also agree with pp that it’s totally fine for him to stand in the cold for two hours whilst she naps if he wants to. Offer for him to come in if he changes his mind and then let him crack on!

Igmum · 10/12/2023 09:02

Agree with PP. At the end of the day he's an adult. He is perfectly capable of organising everything himself (including family members to support him) but he isn't. You're parenting him and it is stressing you out. Leave it. If he wants it he will sort it out. It's better for your daughter to have an unstressed mum.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 09:04

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:01

Ok. I’ve agreed to pick him up so what do I do? When he gets in the car say I’m taking her home, where shall I drop you in the meantime? I think it will cause an argument as he will want to drive 45 mins to a place we can go. I can already see it unfolding

Tell him you can’t pick him up.

Why are you stressing yourself out and working so hard for a man who doesn’t care about your child?

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 09:04

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:01

Ok. I’ve agreed to pick him up so what do I do? When he gets in the car say I’m taking her home, where shall I drop you in the meantime? I think it will cause an argument as he will want to drive 45 mins to a place we can go. I can already see it unfolding

You tell him prior to the day at x time I will be taking Susie home for a nap. You’ll need to think about what you are doing in that time.

When it gets to x time on the day follow through with what you said. If he says “ oh can we go to x place” you reply “no, I’m taking Susie home for a nap as we agreed. I’m leaving now if you want to wait near ours otherwise we will see you here in 2 hours”.

Honestly though if the issue is you think he will coerce or manipulate you in to doing things you don’t want to do then you’re best not to have any contact with him.

Wildhorses2244 · 10/12/2023 09:06

What time are you picking him up? I think ideally you would do something together and then take her home for a nap, offering that he can come or not as he likes.

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:08

@Wildhorses2244 he can’t get here until 10:45. He is quite far away. So it’s an awkward time. There is honestly nothing round here other than a Costa in a next off a main road. There’s lots of farms for kids but they are 40 min drives again on top of going to the station. I’ve just text to ask him to please be sensible and let her stay home today. He hasn’t replied.

OP posts:
Rocksonabeach · 10/12/2023 09:10

Suggest a contact centre then

NancyJoan · 10/12/2023 09:10

Just stop. Stop picking him up. Stop making lots of arrangements. He never going to be ready. If he wants to see her, he can make his own plans.

Rocksonabeach · 10/12/2023 09:10

Or a third party eg his mum but he needs to provide everything for his daughter eg nappy and food etc

Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:11

NancyJoan · 10/12/2023 09:10

Just stop. Stop picking him up. Stop making lots of arrangements. He never going to be ready. If he wants to see her, he can make his own plans.

@NancyJoan he says he is making plans by the places we could drive on to from the station… which are miles and miles away

OP posts:
Original poster
undfll11 · 10/12/2023 09:13

It’s so hard not to fall out with him. Why the fuck does he want to make things so complicated! For him it’s a day out but for me it’s massive organisation. The only time I did this was when my brother got married. DD does not want to be dragged out all day in the cold.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 10/12/2023 09:15

Ok OP. You need to tell him some facts.

You are exhausted from juggling everything in the week and it's not working for you.

I've been a lone parent for 14 years, stop trying to accommodate difficult people into your already stressful situation.

Gymmum82 · 10/12/2023 09:15

Nah. Just claim maintenance and be done with it. If he wants to see her and be a father he can do all the arranging. Stop trying to force it. He’s not bothered. Raise her on your own. It’ll be much easier in the long term

Temporaryname158 · 10/12/2023 09:16

If he wants contact he needs to be a father. So tell him today verbally and follow up on an email/signed for letter that from today if he wants contact he makes the effort.

he travels up, you are not running to pick him up, he makes his own way to your house to pick up your dad. He then takes her out to do whatever. He returns her to your house. He goes home.

he turns up prepared with nappies, wipes, snacks/food and you have a break from full time parenting for a few hours where you can do the life jobs you need or want to.

if he cannot commit to this then tell him you will not be giving him dd. Keep the door open by saying if he wishes to reassess this when she is older and out of nappies he can.

you aren’t his chauffeur, taking up most of your Sunday to drive him about to see his dd and you and dd not being able to do what you want.

be firmer else this will continue to be a nightmare

Theeyeballsinthesky · 10/12/2023 09:16

NancyJoan · 10/12/2023 09:10

Just stop. Stop picking him up. Stop making lots of arrangements. He never going to be ready. If he wants to see her, he can make his own plans.

This with bells on!! Stop it! Stop it now!! You are enabling him to treat you exactly as he did in your relationship. If he wants a relationship with his daughter then he can pull his bloody finger out

but honestly OP I doubt he does want a relationship with her (twice in one year??) what he wants is the ability to keep yanking your chain

DidiAskYouThough · 10/12/2023 09:18

So stop pandering to him. Get access formally sorted so it's in the child's best interests and works for her. How he gets there/attends is on him to figure out, all you have to do is make your kid available at a particular time.
Is he paying CMS at least? You know this man is utterly pathetic and incapable of less than the bare minimum, so stop expecting him to behave like a normal person and get everything formalised. (Court/mediation)

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