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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refusing to come to house? Please help what to do with ex

98 replies

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:26

Ex partner has seen dd twice and she is 1, no real back story, just that we separated in pregnancy and he had no interest in her initially. The first two times were very hectic (he’s not local anymore). He got the train and we are in the countryside so had to go and collect him. We went out and obviously had to take all her things and basically project manage for him as he said he didn’t know how to change a nappy but would at some point etc. That’s fine, I want dd to be safer and happy so I am ok with being around to do these things until he’s ready.

Anyway. I have now told him that it is disruptive to her routine to be out all day and driven long distances. She won’t sleep well in the car so the last two times we met she had basically no nap and the evenings were hell with her. I have explained to him that I would prefer to come back to the house where he can play with her and then she can have her food and sleep when needed. He’s said he’s not ready for this and will wait around the corner until she’s ready to come out again? There’s nowhere for him to go other than a tiny shop. AIBU here to expect this of him? I can’t believe he can be so difficult? He was like this in the relationship but I didn’t expect him to be like it where dd is concerned. I’ve asked him why and he said he wants to build up to it?! AIBU?

OP posts:

cansu · 10/12/2023 09:59

You seem to be very worried about him being annoyed. Do this visit and then email him about what you are and are not going to do in the future. If he is annoyed so be it. You are not responsible for him.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2023 10:04

You only need to make her available you don't need to pick him up, provide nappies, wipes, food, clothes. He is her father, he needs to organise and pay for his travel plans and have a stocked nappy bag that he brings with him.
In your shoes I would be choosing a child friendly place that is somewhere he can get to and meet him there for a few hours and then leave for nap time.
You are the mother of his child not his mother, let him adult or fail, he is not your responsibility.

Beautiful3 · 10/12/2023 10:05

I don't get it. If he wants her then he can collect her and take her for a walk and cuddle, then return her back to you after 2 hours. He cannot expect you with him all of the time?! Sounds like he's not ready to be an actual parent. Perhaps he's best waiting until she's older, to take away etc.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 10/12/2023 10:07

I wouldnt even be facilitating contact. He is being dragged into visiting. He isnt fathering. I dont think he will eve or be a loving and meaningful relationship for her so I'd protect her by stopping contact altogether. Unless he commits to regular, scheduled contact on her terms. Why should she be dragged around? There is nothing in this for her.

SecondUsername4me · 10/12/2023 10:07

Meet him at the agreed point. Say to him "ill meet you back here in 4 hours to collect her back, there's a flask of hot food in the bag. See you at 3pm"

Beautiful3 · 10/12/2023 10:08

I've just seen your updates. You're doing too much by going to collect him. I'd stop with all that. Say he's welcome to visit. He cannot take her out until he's ready to do it alone.

user1471556818 · 10/12/2023 10:16

Keepinmovin · 10/12/2023 09:53

I'm going to just take a slightly different view here.
You live in a remote place, that's not his fault. Yes you can ask him to get a taxi but at least he is making an effort
I would hate my ex being in my house and so I don't think he's at fault for saying he won't come in your house.
If he's had zero involvement with the DC to date then I think it's normal he won't understand routines/nappies etc if he has no experience with babies. So maybe he just doesn't understand.
You'll have to get over this home cooked food thing, in a divorce you don't get to dictate how the other parent looks after the child (unless ofc it's neglect)

It seems like neither of you are quite ready for these meet ups and DD is too young either way. Maybe just suggest you leave it a few months until the weather is better and she's not quite as small and can cope with nap situation. It's probably stressing ypu both out

Very well put I totally agree with the above .

Sapphire387 · 10/12/2023 10:17

You know, you don't have to force a relationship with him. Leave it to him to do the running.

For comparison, I am 38, as he is. I was widowed with two young children aged 4 and 2 when I was 30, and I was a single parent for a time. I am now remarried with another baby DC and I have a DSD who lives here full-time, too. So that is four DC. I also work FT while my DH is a sahd and PT student.

I cannot believe he is wandering round like a 16yo saying he needs to build up to a relationship with his one baby daughter. That is genuinely one of the most pathetic things I have ever heard.

Thesearmsofmine · 10/12/2023 10:18

Stop facilitating contact. Imagine you were the absent parent, I bet you would do anything to see your dd because she is your whole world. If he wants to see her then her will (but I think he will disappear).

Snowdogsmitten · 10/12/2023 10:20

Well, the crux of it is that he doesn’t give a shit about what’s best for her, he thinks he should come first.

So, I’ll ponder it again, why on earth are you facilitating this shit man? He’s only seen her twice. It’s a shame he’s such a failure but she’s missing out on nothing if you stop trying to make it happen.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/12/2023 10:20

You just say “I’m happy for you to see her and spend time with her but it’s only on offer at our house, or short trips out that you can do by yourself. Let me know when you’re ready for this.”

And leave it at that. Don’t do the running round after him - he can get himself to you.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/12/2023 10:26

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:31

I am so stressed and upset

I don’t want to stop them seeing each other. I don’t think that is right. But for fucks sake just get on with HER routine?

He’s 38.

I can understand why but you can't stop him being an arsehole unfortunately.

Via email...
Continue to offer contact in your home or at a soft play on a Saturday.
explain in your email this is because he cannot change nappies etc

Do not indulge any of his weirdness... she doesn't "need" contact at this age.
He's a stranger and it might be easier given his low efforts to just cut contact.

Also re:his suggestion
Does he plan to just walk the streets in the freezing cold with a one year old in a pram???

User3456 · 10/12/2023 10:27

If he doesn't want to come into the house while she has a nap, and would rather wait outside til she's ready to come out again, just let him. Not your problem that there's nowhere for him to go, you have offered him a solution (and that's for him to come in). Maybe he will reconsider next time. He needs to deal with the consequences of his decision. Good luck!

Crikeyisthatthetime · 10/12/2023 10:39

They are strangers to each other. He has no experience with babies, of course he's terrified of being handed a baby to look after on his own, and he doesn't sound the type to put himself out.
What I don't understand is why you are trying so hard to push this particular lump of jelly up the hill! Why try to force a relationship that is causing you so much stress, inconvenience and anxiety? Your daughter doesn't know this man from Adam. He doesn't know how to look after her. He doesn't want to learn. He isn't interested in making it convenient for you. He's an arse.
You know what he's like yet you are still letting him manipulate you. You sound a bit afraid of him in fact.
You need to have a good hard look at your boundaries and start to reinforce them.
And be honest with yourself about why you are doing this to yourself.

Ellie1015 · 10/12/2023 10:41

Pick a child friendly place as close to station as possible and meet there. He can get a taxi from station. Meet for an hour or two then both go home. Cuts out some of the driving.

Home would be easiest but I know plenty of people who wouldn't be comfortable going to ex's home or having ex in their home so I am not that surprised that won't work for one of you.

zingally · 10/12/2023 10:43

Presumably he didn't have a problem with being in the house when you were busy making said baby?? What's different? Surely a 38 yo man can make small talk for an hour? Or, hell, just put a film on?!

I wonder if there's someone having a word in his ear at his end? His own mum for example? Telling him he needs to see his daughter? When actually he'd rather drop it and forget the whole incident?

At the end of the day, if it's not conducive to the wellbeing of your DD, drop the contact unless it can be made to suit HER. Put in a claim for child support and get on with your life. He's already shown that he's not THAT interested in actively parenting this child, so why bother?

Ultimately, when kids get older, they work out for themselves which parents were good and which were wasters.

Shardonneigghhh · 10/12/2023 10:44

Ok. I've been a single parent for 10 years. Their dad is useless and i spent years trying to facilitate a relationship between them and him.

My advice to you is this:

The relationship between him.and his child is his responsibility. You can make your child available but you do not need to facilitate the contact. That's his job. It needs to work for you also.
As a baby, a full day out is not neccessary. You need to tell him a variation of "DD will he available for you to visit between 10 and 12 on Sunday mornings." He needs to learn to care for her first before he takes her out anywhere, and the most suitable place for that is in your home. Once he's got the hand of looking after her he can then build up to taking her out. Without you. Pick a time that suits you and stick to it. He will either step up or he won't.

If you don't put this in place now, you are signing up to years of the same, and he will never really parent her, just be present while you are doing the parenting.

LeggyLegsEleven · 10/12/2023 10:48

If you got on the train and met him further down the line is there somewhere better to go. A town? Better than driving about.

Soontobe60 · 10/12/2023 11:01

undfll11 · 10/12/2023 08:53

the problem is if I say ok you can wait while I feed her and she naps… where will he even go. It’s the middle of nowhere basically.

is he reasonable to not want to be in her home? I can’t understand it at all

Yes he is! It’s not that he doesn’t want to be in HER home, it’s that he doesn’t want to be in YOUR home playing happy families.

MuggleMe · 10/12/2023 19:04

He may be travelling a really long way but that's on him. I'd start with a visit to the park without you. So what if he's travelled for hours for 45 mins. He's working up to it right?

stomachameleon · 10/12/2023 20:47

@Keepinmovin I agree.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 21:55

This is a no-brainer. He's an adult but acting like a child. If he wants to see his daughter, he comes to where she lives, or he rents or buys his own place nearby in order to facilitate things on his terms. If he can't &/or won't then that's on him, NOT YOU.

There is little point being upset over stuff you can't control and the decisions that other people might or might not make.
The End.

2mummies1baby · 11/12/2023 09:38

I genuinely don't think your daughter will get anything from having this ridiculous man-child in her life. Bin him off from now on.

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