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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this comment from an advisor at HMRC just shows how things haven’t changed with sexism

103 replies

whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:05

I called to make payment back for child benefit that I owed. It was around 600 quid. I was calling to make the payment and it was taking forever, the guy on the phone acknowledged it himself and I was in no way rude to him, just the entire process was long winded. I said flippantly, it’s hardly worth even claiming CB by the time it takes to do something so simple. To which he said ‘well ask a single mum on low income that question, it’s important to them.’

Sorry what? Single mum? Heaven forbid a single dad might need support? Or is it just women that we put in this light?

I am single parent so I don’t know if I internally took offence to this comment because of that? Or am I right that this ‘single mum’ phrase is often a put down?!

OP posts:
Greenshake · 09/12/2023 20:07

I think you are way overthinking this. I would imagine most single parents are single mums!

Cas112 · 09/12/2023 20:08

His response is probably right

Pipistrellus · 09/12/2023 20:08

There would be far more single mums claiming CB than single dads.

TheNewSchmoo · 09/12/2023 20:08

Oh for god's sake.

Original poster
whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:08

Hmm maybe. Just thought it was quite rude though he didn’t know I am a single parent.

OP posts:
thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 20:08

I don't think it was intentionally sexist and they have a point that many people on low incomes really need their CB so your comment that it's not worth claiming might have wound them up.

I'd have rolled my eyes and ignored the comment rather than responding to you.

Keilagh · 09/12/2023 20:09

Majority of single parents are women.

Original poster
whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:09

Keilagh · 09/12/2023 20:09

Majority of single parents are women.

@Keilagh how does that work?

My ex is still a single Dad?

OP posts:
Keilagh · 09/12/2023 20:11

whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:09

@Keilagh how does that work?

My ex is still a single Dad?

Show quote history

You’re being deliberately difficult. Goodbye.

Flump8 · 09/12/2023 20:11

whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:09

@Keilagh how does that work?

My ex is still a single Dad?

Show quote history

most main care givers, who are single, are mums. It is therefore the single mums who need the benefits more.

Jacfrost · 09/12/2023 20:11

whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:09

@Keilagh how does that work?

My ex is still a single Dad?

Show quote history

Is he the children's primary carer? Is that why you were paying back CB?

Pipistrellus · 09/12/2023 20:11

whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:09

@Keilagh how does that work?

My ex is still a single Dad?

Show quote history

I assume they mean the parent with majority care and claiming the CB.

Precipice · 09/12/2023 20:12

thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 20:08

I don't think it was intentionally sexist and they have a point that many people on low incomes really need their CB so your comment that it's not worth claiming might have wound them up.

I'd have rolled my eyes and ignored the comment rather than responding to you.

It's pretty clear that OP meant not worth claiming for her, not that CB couldn't be worth the bother for anybody. In the same way anything that costs time but saves money may be an unwanted faff for someone not very concerned about money but very concerned about their time, but deemed necessary for someone who needs money more urgently than spare time. Why does it wind anyone up to acknowledge that?

Original poster
whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:12

Keilagh · 09/12/2023 20:11

You’re being deliberately difficult. Goodbye.

Show quote history

@Keilagh i’m being factual

OP posts:
Behindyouiam · 09/12/2023 20:14

@whatsbowb who is your children's primary carer?

user628468523532453 · 09/12/2023 20:14

For goodness sake.

You made an unnecessary irritated comment. He made a throwaway comment in response that you consider imperfect.

Why didn't you just sort it out online instead of hanging on the phone getting irritable and taking it out on low paid call centre staff.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 09/12/2023 20:16

He was rude to pull you up but I don't agree he was sexiest.

Ladybughello · 09/12/2023 20:18

whatsbowb · 09/12/2023 20:05

I called to make payment back for child benefit that I owed. It was around 600 quid. I was calling to make the payment and it was taking forever, the guy on the phone acknowledged it himself and I was in no way rude to him, just the entire process was long winded. I said flippantly, it’s hardly worth even claiming CB by the time it takes to do something so simple. To which he said ‘well ask a single mum on low income that question, it’s important to them.’

Sorry what? Single mum? Heaven forbid a single dad might need support? Or is it just women that we put in this light?

I am single parent so I don’t know if I internally took offence to this comment because of that? Or am I right that this ‘single mum’ phrase is often a put down?!

Clearly an unintentionally old fashioned comment, yes. He should say “parent”. But also an obviously weird comment to suggest that it isn’t worth spending a bit of time on the phone for £600. Quite insulting to those who need it.

SequentialAnalyst · 09/12/2023 20:19

It was unprofessional for him to reply like that, IMHO., although I don't think he intended offence.

You were making a light remark. His reply was not in the spirit of a light remark, but I suspect it just came out like that as an off the cuff reply. But at least he has an understanding of how many people live.

I'd be a bit annoyed at this exchange. But only briefly...

CremeBrunette · 09/12/2023 20:21

It’s not sexist to acknowledge that most primary carers of young children are women. Or that women are mostly the ones that give up work, work part time and don’t take up promotions to be flexible for childcare. It’s also not sexist to state that when these women have a relationship breakdown, the CB is a helpful sum of money to them.

It’s not worth it for you to claim as you are over the threshold. You are not the average single parent. You are lucky because one your income is over the threshold and two you consider your ex a single dad too which suggests he’s still heavily involved. The fact that you can’t see much beyond your own circumstances suggests he really did need to highlight it to you, even if you didn’t want to hear it.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/12/2023 20:32

You could avoid all this by just sorting it online. If you're having to pay back £600, you're keeping a similar amount and that's assuming only one DC.

Most people could put up with a phone call or a bit of online admin if it was going to keep them on the right side of HMRC and gain them £600.

ChiIIieP · 09/12/2023 20:33

So you were rude to him and sounding ungrateful, he uses a single Mum as an EXAMPLE, and you're offended? Did he say only single Mums need help? Did he actually say those words? Just because he used an example doesn't make him sexist ❄️

SavBlancTonight · 09/12/2023 20:45

Oh please. You are being deliberately obtuse. Of course the vast bulk of single parents claiming child benefit, and even more so the ones who are desperate, are women. That's fact and we all know that.

How many single parents on cb with primary care responsibilities who are men do you actually know vs women?

Diaria · 09/12/2023 20:45

Your comment was inappropriate.

His was alright and not sexist but reflective of what he is experiencing - most who claim child benefit are female and it would have heightened importance for a struggling single Mum who isn’t getting CM off ex.

You don’t hear of many single Dads now do you?!

It may only be £1261, but it’s a lot to many.

Qwerty556 · 09/12/2023 20:55

You may have been ruder to him than you realised.

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